This made me laugh.......

Some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities, on our way home from a "social session" over the years. A couple of weeks ago, I was out for a few beers with some friends at the one of our local joints and had some rather nice import beers. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home. Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.

Note from Greatnan - this was someone on an expat forum, not me! I don't drink and drive.

Priceless Greatnan

Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning:
"Windows frozen."

Husband texts back:
"pour some tepid water over it."

Wife texts back:
"computer completely knackered now."

Thanks for that one gracesmum First time I've retold one of thse to DH; he laughed too!

The teacher gave an assignment to her fifth grade class :
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.

But then the teacher realized that only Janie was left.
"Janie, do you have a story to share?'

''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whisky, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whisky on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 enemy troops.

She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last enemy with her bare hands.

''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?

"Stay away from Mommy when she's drunk."

]grin]

Loved it, Carol!

Carol Very funny

This was recounted by the lovely Gervaise Finn, school inspector in the Dales.
he was observing a lovely young teacher, with a new reception class. To start the lesson she was showing the class photos of animals - Cow, Dog etc and asking the children to put up their hands and tell her what the animal is called. All went well until she held up a picture of a sheep. Silence. Not a hand goes up. Brows throughout the room are furrowed. The teacher picks on a few of the more vocal members and tries to coax them to answer. This is sheep farming country after all. After more coaxing eventually a trembling hand is raised and a timorous voice says "Miss, I'm not sure, but is it a Swaledale/Leicestershire cross?"

I love his books, and there was a TV programme too. I really envied him his job!

A conversation in Heaven......

SYLVIA:
Hi Wanda.

WANDA:
Hi Sylvia. How'd you die?

SYLVIA:
I froze to death.

WANDA:
How horrible!

SYLVIA:
It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from
the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy,
and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?

WANDA:
I died of a massive heart attack.
I suspected that my husband was cheating,
so I came home early to catch him in the act.
But instead, I found him all by himself
in the den watching TV.

SYLVIA:
So, what happened?

WANDA:
I was so sure there was another woman
there somewhere that I started running
all over the house looking. I ran up into
the attic and searched, and down into the
basement. Then I went through every closet
and checked under all the beds. I kept this up
until I had looked everywhere, and finally
I became so exhausted that I just keeled over
with a heart attack and died.

SYLVIA:
Too bad you didn't look in the freezer
---we'd both still be alive.

funny motor insurance claims (all from genuine forms)

"I was driving along the motorway when the police pulled me over onto the hard shoulder. Unfortunately I was in the middle lane and there was another car in the way.." (Thanks M Robson)

"Going to work at 7am this morning I drove out of my drive straight into a bus. The bus was 5 minutes early.." (Thanks N Bradley)

"The accident happened because I had one eye on the lorry in front, one eye on the pedestrian and the other on the car behind." (Thanks Sharon Burrows)

"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."

"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the hood. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."

Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: Travelled by bus?

The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were - Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn. Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo.

"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard."

"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."

"I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control."

"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"

"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."

Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous nature? A: "I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan."

"First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car."

"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."

"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"

"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."

"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way"

"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face"

"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car"

"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."

"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

"Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."

"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."

"I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."

"As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before."

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian."

"My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle."

"I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull."

"I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."

"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him."

"I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car."

"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."

"The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end."

"I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way."

"When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car."

"The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal."

"No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert."

"I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries."

"The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him."

"I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact."

"The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle."

"I bumped into a lamp-post which was obscured by human beings."

"The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week."

"I knocked over a man; he admitted it was his fault for he had been knocked down before."

Absolutely wonderful, glassortwo! I love them all, especially the voodoo one!

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired, "Where have you been?" God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example,
northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things".

God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"

"That's Scotland, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lochs, forests, hills, and plains of heather. The people from Scotland are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled, "I will create England. Wait till you see the idiots I put there"

The maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset and decided to talk to her about the issue.

She asked: "Well Maria, tell me why you think you deserve a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well, Senora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."
"The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "Jor hozban he say so."

Wife: "Oh yeah?"

Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria: "Jor hozban did."

Wife, increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he???"

Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."

Wife, really boiling now, through gritted teeth said,

"And did my husband say that as well?"

Maria: "No Senora......The gardener did."

Wife: "So... how much do you want?"

!

nuttynorah that made me LAUGH!

I had to re-read the punchline! Very funny.

Why men should not write advice columns.

Dear John,

**I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work leaving my
husband in the house watching TV. My car started stalling and then it
broke down about a mile down the road and I had to walk back to get my
husband's help. When I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in
our bedroom with the neighbor's daughter!**

**I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor's daughter is 19. We have
been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and
admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. He
won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I am a wreck and need advice
urgently. Can you please help?**
Sincerely, Kate

* Reply** **

*Dear Kate:*

**A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking for debris in the
fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the
intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these
approaches solve the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is
faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.**
*I hope this helps,*

I went to a party the other day and had a little too much too drink. So I decided to do something I've never done before,
I took a bus home!
Everything went fine and I got home safely.
Problem is, I have no idea what to do with the bus now - can't remember where I took it?!?

Greatnan...brilliant!!!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to a
doctor at a street light.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya
got there, sonny?"

The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"

"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 220 miles an hour!" states the doctor
proudly.

The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

"No problem," replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting
back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all
right.... but I'll stick with my Moped!"

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just
what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer
reads 150 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting
closer !

He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH! Something
whips by him going much faster!

"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor asks
himself.

He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 180 mph.

Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!

Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and
passes the Moped at 200 mph and he's feeling pretty good until he looks in
his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes
the Ferrari all the way up to 220 mph.

Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The
Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do !

Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear
end.

The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive.

He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, "I'm a doctor.... Is there
anything I can do for you ?"

The old man whispers,

"Unhook my trouser braces from your side view mirror!"

very good.

Greatnan What a way to start the day. I'm chortling uncontrollably.

Perhaps just a little giggle?