FRIEND OF MINE RECENTLY BEEN TURNED INTO A CARER

Ah-ha. Just asked ChatGPT where the Mobilise group is - as I couldnt find it.

It said www.mobiliseonline.co.uk

and there's a Facebook group too.

He doesn't do Facebook - but it would fit in with his way of operating to check out the website.

It's a very difficult decision to make .
I've noticed that it causes rows in some families .
One person seems to do the lion's share.

Esmay

It's a very difficult decision to make .
I've noticed that it causes rows in some families .
One person seems to do the lion's share.

I've certainly seen that time and again by now. Even in this day and age it does still tend to be the woman out of a pair of "children" that ends up in that position usually. My friend in this case is the first man I've had "telling me all about it" re being a carer - but I've had a noticeable number of women doing so prior to him though.

I've not forgotten my erstwhile brothers reaction when I told him that I was moving to Wales. His first words were "What about mother?" to which my reply was along the lines of "Well what were YOU thinking?". He'd felt quite free years before to move himself/his wife and the two grandchildren our parents doted on further up in England and not say anything at all to me (as per usual) and the news on that got relayed to me via our parents. So it was okay for him to move on - but apparently not for me to move. He just couldnt seem to see that either we both could or neither of us could - it wasnt a case of "he could - but I couldnt".

Add the fact that - as he well knew - he was by far her favourite child. She never really liked me and would keep trying to "mould me" anyway - whereas I never spotted any attempts to "mould" him.

I resisted telling him that our father had told me years before that she would try and move me into being a "carer" for her and told me not to do it - as she'd "drive you mad" and it wouldnt work out to use his words about it. Brother totally overlooked the fact that (courtesy of the family he had married into basically) his move elsewhere was a case of moving to a much more expensive house (it is pretty expensive!) - but mine as a single person was to a cheaper area...because I couldnt stay in a damp little starter house any longer and our houseprices meant that to get a more suitable one I had to move to a cheaper area. He had the option to stay put - and realistically I didnt.

Yep......my erstwhile brother who'd told me off for not doing this and his wife wasted absolutely no time in getting the message over subsequently to our parents that they'd just had a "granny flat" type building done in their nice long back garden. I'd seen all the photos and boasts about it on sister-in-laws Facebook page before the thought struck her I might find and read it one day (too late - I already had!). That message got put through just after our fathers health took another dive - and it was instantly coupled with the comment "Our youngest son (21 at the time) has just moved into it. It's for HIM - isn't that nice he's got that....he really likes that". Cue for by the time I got back to Devon to see how things were going they'd both been firmly told umpteen times already just how nice the granny flat would be for youngest son (errrm....their house is NOT a small one and the two of them had a home gym as well as their room each...plenty of room for him to have stayed living in that!). I saw all the photos - before she clicked and deleted them (too late!) and it was custom-built to their specifications - with bedroom/bathroom/sitting room/kitchen and it looked very nice and very expensive - and would have done nicely for mother actually. Basically it was a whole new posh nice 2nd home - but in their back garden. But they'd already told her clearly it wouldnt be hers and she'd accepted that (because her "beloved son" could do no wrong - in her eyes).

I'm not in the slightest bit surprised it causes rows in some families - probably most of them and, if there isn't a row, it's probably because the woman out of the "children" is too meek to stand up for herself most of the time. I would say, in fact, that a lot of women in our generation got attempted moulding from Day 1:
- Not encouraged to study hard by the mother. Mother wants the daughter to only get a low-level job (one she can manage to get even in a smaller place and not a career - as that might involve her moving away)
- Encouraged to regard helping with housework as her lot - whilst she sees her brother not being expected to help with the housework

and it all starts there in a lot of families from "our era" and most women in our generation that have had that attempted "moulding" going on probably arent even aware that maybe some of "their" decisions arent really theirs...but have been sorta wheedled onto them surreptitiously. Coulda been worse - at least most of us were brought up in British families and therefore there was a limit to just how much of that could be done....as we are all well aware the fact our bodies are female is totally absolutely irrelevant and we are due to have exactly the same lifechoices as our brothers do. So - at least thank goodness for being British - so there was only so far that someone else's "life agenda for us" could get wheedled onto us.

CariadAgain -

How horrible.
My goodness sorry to say it ,but your brother seems to be breathtakingly selfish.

I had lunch with one of my friends last Christmas and she was smarting over her sister's cyptic card .
The message didn't seem that offensive to me - perhaps subtle.
She was trying to get her to contact their parents .
The sister ,one of a big family has been tasked with the care of both parents.
Shes plainly finding it a strain.
I didn't know that my friend hasn't visited them for years and doesn't phone either .

It's a few years since one of my mother's old friends died .

But I recall the unpleasantness over her care.

Her only son did ALL of it and one of his sisters told him that it was disgusting that he washed her.
Caring for a parent isn't just a visit with flowers,chocolate and criticism.

Esmay - well what else could logically happen except a son washing the mother as well - given it had all fallen to him? Was mother just supposed to go dirty then? This is one of the tasks my friend is having to do at present - and he finds it not particularly appropriate to do that - but it's him or no-one and so he does. Mental note to self - must ask him what their bathroom set-up is in the event.....as I'd be willing to bet it's one bathroom, with a bath in and no shower or (if there is a shower) it's over the bath. I'd be very surprised if their house is at all modern and well-designed or anything.

Showers are a thing of themselves and cue for me trying to persuade my parents (make that my mother - as she always made all their decisions for them both) to rip out the bath from the only bathroom the house had and replace it with a shower just-in-case. It took her having to go into hospital for a hip replacement operation before she agreed and an emergency job was done of doing just that (fortunately they live in an area of the country with normal level tradesperson availability and efficiency - so that didn't turn into a problem of itself. They said the job must be done and very soon after = it was done and to a decent standard). So thank goodness for that being the norm there and I was just left thinking "Why on earth did she choose an old-size shower cubicle though? There's room there to put in a modern-size one". I just took it as read when I had the bathroom out in my own house that mine was going to be modern-size (as one that size can readily have things like grip rails and a chair fitted into them). I've seen exactly that has been done in a neighbours tiny bathroom - ie a chair etc has been added into their modern size shower.

CariadAgain

I've actually known the entire family for 25 years plus .
Could be as long as 30 .

The son is a very nice guy and he did his best for his mother.
The sister,in question is a very nasty person.
She is incredibly rude to me .
For years if I spoke to her she would just blank me .
Now I've stopped trying.
She didn't volunteer to wash her mother neither did she offer to pay for someone to come in .
Her brother isn't invited to her family events .

It's essential to have a suitable bathroom installed . It makes life easier.

Sorry this is incorrect…I am a carer and I claim carer’s allowance. My mum who I care for claims attendance allowance.

My reply was to exdancer

And yes, I got it. I'd just got 'carers' and 'attendance' mixed up, no big deal.

Please note once you reach state pension age carers allowance is taken off you. My brother is carer for my sister in law and her dad who lives with them. He was only allowed to get cares allowance for his wife. She doesn't reach state pension for 3 years but does get enhanced PIP for living and mobility. She has MS. My brother got his state pension last year.

Her dad applied for attendance allowance via CA and was turned down he is 93 has COPD and heart condition.
My brother has to wash and dress him.
Does all housework and cooking .

I looked after my husband and only got carers allowance and my husband had DLA in 2003 when he was terminal given 4 months to 2 years to live only reason we got them because our McMillian nurse filled in the forms. My husband died aged 47 in 2004 less than 4 months after being terminal.

Dad was refused attention allowance he died aged 80 2007. Don't know what my mother in law had but I didn't get carers allowance for her she died aged 91 in 2015.

Mom lived with me last 18 months of her life she had cancer and dementia. I was given carers allowance for 6 months because I was told she would get better. When I pointed out she has grade 3 breast cancer and dementia and there was no getting better the phone was put down on me . My mom died 4 months before her body did when the violence took over . Mom got attendance allowance once she lived with me . She died aged 90 in 2017.

Benefits are not easy to get and you have to fight. I was born disabled it took me 35 years fighting . I get PIP and only because the Brain charity got me a solicitor pro bono and took from I applied for PIP March 2022 when I was given zero on everything to August 2023 to get to PIP tribunal . The judge awarded me enhanced PIP for living and mobility indefinitely. The decision came on crown court paper so the robots at PIP can't ever take it off me .

I choose to look after them all myself. But it cost me health wise.

It is even harder to get disabled and cares benefits now . If you need to go into a home and own your own property you will have to sell it. I know where I used to live in 2005 a friend put her mom in a home it cost £1,000 a week then. So £900 is cheap. Where I live now homes are £1,500-£3,000 a week.

I know is is off what the OP started but this is my experience .

Note to OP writing things in capitals online is shouting . I assume you did it to get noticed.

I was carer to my wife for 5 yrs, - I did what I needed to do, gladly and she would have done it for me . Neither of my parents needed care they had a quick "departure".
My wife's parents had a long care period at home, 2 ladies were paid to share the daytime care helped by daily LA carers, family shared the nights.
It worked very well and cost a lot less than a care home

My widowed brother in law visited us yesterday. He was a carer for my sister in law for several years. He was sympathising with me as I now care for my husband. We were saying how unfair it is that once you get State Pension you cannot get Carers Allowance. You get absolutely nothing!

We both worked and paid our dues so were entitled to State Pension but then having to care for your partner full time with no financial support at all is unfair. We paid for our pensions!

He said he was up and down stairs maybe 20 times a day, had to get her to all GP and hospital appointments, deal with showering, toileting, dressing, cooking, cleaning etc just as I do.

A Dr said to me just last week “don’t struggle on alone. Let us see what we can do.” I asked what exactly he meant and he just shrugged. I have already had a lengthy carers assessment which came to nothing and the only thing I got from that was a lanyard with “I am a Carer” emblazoned on it. No way I am ever wearing that!

I’m a little conflicted about this.
My DM (97) has moved in with us. She is in very good shape for her years. She has 3 rooms (we used to have a large double garage) and her own bathroom with a walk in bath.
She is neither rich nor poor and she contributes to pay for her heating, lighting and all those other things that cost like house insurance etc.
We provide her main meal and take her all over the place for appointments and social activities but she doesn’t need personal care yet although that may come in the future.
As Primrose has said there is no carers allowance for us because we are too old and have a pension.
She does get the attendance allowance.
We have made a huge commitment to look after her but we aren’t out of pocket although we aren’t making anything either🤣.
She can afford to live, so can we. I’d love to get attendance allowance but there are very undoubtedly many carers, like the OP, who need it more than us and the ££’s need to be there for them. It continues to amaze me that our Governments can continue to pay so much out.

Querty. And they can afford to give away £20 million for the Ebola outbreak which is nothing to do with us! Not a penny ever for unpaid Carers.

Sounds like your Mum is still enjoying her great age, as did my Mum but as you say, the time will come when she needs more help. When you are having to run in and out, maybe do personal care, possibly feed her and sit with her for long periods, including at night then your care and support should be recognised and appreciated by the authorities.

Primrose Yes it should and I question a lot of payments successive governments make.
I already do spend a lot of time with her and my DH’s and my retirement has been hugely compromised. However she isn’t costing us money.
If we got an allowance it really wouldn’t make much difference. apart from the bank balance looking healthier !
It’s not the money it’s the responsibility in our case and we took it on expecting it to be difficult. It was a choice we made.
I don’t think you and many others had a choice.

Querty

Primrose Yes it should and I question a lot of payments successive governments make.
I already do spend a lot of time with her and my DH’s and my retirement has been hugely compromised. However she isn’t costing us money.
If we got an allowance it really wouldn’t make much difference. apart from the bank balance looking healthier !
It’s not the money it’s the responsibility in our case and we took it on expecting it to be difficult. It was a choice we made.
I don’t think you and many others had a choice.

You’re right Querty. I also looked after my Mum for 14 years after my Dad died. I gave up my job to help her and did it willingly because I loved her and because I knew she would have done the same for me if I was ill.

I hope your Mum carries on as she is now and never needs more care than she does now and ends her days peacefully at home with you.

Thanks Primrose.
I think you would deserve an attendance allowance but aren’t getting one.

I suggest having a key safe installed by Social Services. The code is then made available to the gp, carers etc. It takes some pressure off as a family member doesn’t have to be present each time a blood test or physio visit happens. Although it is a good idea to write the day and time down to remind your relative/friend that this is scheduled.

ronib when I first moved here there was a key safe on my bungalow wall. I was having a new from door and windows fitted. The fitter asked me if I used the key safe said no and never would. He said he refuses to fit them even the ones that are supposed to be tamper proof and he showed me why . He put a thin bladed screw driver between the safe and wall flicked his wrist and it came off the wall and opened.

Those who do need to have one put in a place that isn't easy to see and once fitted go round the edges with waterproof superglue several layers. And hope that will stop it being tampered with .

Of course that’s a very good point Whiff but for very incapacitated individuals with no mobility, a keysafe is the only way of staying at home, unless live in care is provided.

First and foremost, he should remember this: he is not obligated to sacrifice his own health, his job, and his future retirement simply because social services imply that “the family has to manage on its own.” A caregiver can refuse to take on this role if it has become too much to handle.
From what you describe, the problem has already gone beyond what one person can handle in the long term. If, because of caregiving, he isn’t sleeping, isn’t working, and can’t support himself financially, this is not a sustainable situation.
I would advise insisting on a full assessment of both parents’ needs, not just the mother’s. If the father also needs help, it’s surprising that they’re trying to treat this separately. It’s also worth asking about respite care, day centers, and the possibility of increasing the home care package.
As for support it would be very helpful for him to talk to other people in the same situation. Often, it is on caregiver forums that you can get practical advice on social services, funding, and how to advocate for your rights.
Most importantly: if he is already physically, emotionally, and financially exhausted after a few months, it does not mean he is weak. It means that the system is currently relying on one person more than it should.

egjotrfe original post is February and the poster hasn’t been on for some time.

ExDancer

Carers Allowance is badly named. Its given to the 'ill' person not the person who is doing the actual 'caring'.
So both his parents should request it and it'll be paid into their bank accounts, not his. The idea is that it's paid to the person needing the care to enable them to afford to pay someone to look after them. They can spend it on , say, a gardener, someone to put grab rails in the shower, a nurse, or someone to get them up and dressed in a morning, they could also spend it on riotous living, no-one checks. To my mind its a stupid allowance.
In my experience Social Services aren't much help, they are more enthusiastic about bullying the family to take all responsibility.
I found AgeUK the most helpful, especially with filling in complicated forms so please try to get him to go to them - and perhaps go with him so they are sure to get the full story?

Sorry but this is completely incorrect. Carers allowance is paid directly to the person doing the caring, not the person who is being cared for. The person cared for has to be in receipt of daily living element of PIP/child DLA or attendance allowance, and the carers allowance is paid to the carer either weekly or four weekly. It’s means tested according to the earnings threshold after tax, NI and other allowed expenses and subject to 35 hours per week minimum hours spent caring. This man will only be able to claim carers allowance for one of his parents - one person, one claim. Someone else would have to be the carer/claim CA for the second parent.

ExDancer

And yes, I got it. I'd just got 'carers' and 'attendance' mixed up, no big deal.

Then could you explain why you said this: * they could also spend it on riotous living, no-one checks. To my mind its a stupid allowance.*

AA/PIP/child DLA are not ‘stupid’ allowances. They are a contribution towards the cost of living with a disability. Of course there are checks - the main one being the initial assessment. Disability benefits are some of the hardest to secure, requiring robust evidence to back up everything you say on the application. And for most claimants there are relatively short award periods, after which the claimant is reviewed. Only in cases where the condition is severe and unlikely to change for the better, are there no requirements to attend a reassessment. Even then periodic checks are undertaken with HCP’s involved with the claimant, to check that nothing has changed.

And getting carers and attendance mixed up is a big deal, given that many people come to these threads looking for advice on benefits. If you’re going to post, you owe it to people to make sure your advice/information is accurate.

icanhandthemback

Sorry, I meant to correct that, Win. You are right, the son gets the Carer's Allowance at the moment and they could apply for Attendance Allowance to pay for additional help.

But carers allowance is dependent on the person needing care already being in receipt of attendance allowance.