How to talk to muddled husband

When a friend was diagnosed with dementia, I was told to just agree with her - even if both her sons had the same name and not to try and correct her.
Any talk of going home (already there) or seeing her parents was to be kindly deflected by saying ‘maybe tomorrow’ then offering a cup of tea and changing the subject. She loved music and dancing, so we’d often have a bop around her kitchen.

I always go along with people who are confused, so much kinder. To tell them the truth, in my view is so hurtful and upsetting for them. Its impossible for them to understand, its so sad.
🙂

Assuming there’s dementia involved, is there somewhere you think he might like to go, if you mentioned it? If so, maybe say how about that? - but not today, because (insert any plausible sounding excuse) but maybe we could go tomorrow?

I used this tactic with my mother, when she was going through a phase of wanting to go and see her parents (dead 30 odd and 50 odd years). We couldn’t go today, because my car was in for a service/the roads were very icy/closed because of a bad accident, etc., ‘But maybe we could go tomorrow?’

That always kept her reasonably happy, and with zero short term memory I could ‘recycle’ as needed.

Just thought of another thing if you go with the dread of ‘what will we ever talk about’ do a bit of homework before you go and have a few ideas jotted down for you like a crib sheet so when there’s a dreaded silence you ve got an idea of where to take it

Thank you very much everybody for your kind comments and practical advice
I will put them to use starting from tomorrow

I'm sorry to hear this, Notjustaprettyface and he does need a diagnosis asap.

However , they bring him into the lounge area and we try to have a conversation but all he says is : shall we go ? When can we go?

Just chat and say things like "Soon, but let's have a cup of tea first" etc. Then change the subject.

And may I add never challenge if they say the door is white and you know it’s cream agree that it’s white …does it matter !

Lots of helpful advice here. At one time I specialised in dementia care and one thing I would add is to try not to phrase things as a question. Rather than saying do you remember say I remember when and go on to talk about an enjoyable time you had together. Talking about enjoyable times can be a good way of diverting and improving their mood if a person is becoming agitated or cross.

Would it help to talk about the past sometimes dementia suffers can remember things further back When I used to visit mum every day I never knew whether shed live me or hate me
Photos are a great help can you take a photo album with you and talk over good times it might ring some bells with him
Play some very very simple games like jenga or snap
I answer the ‘when can we go’ with ‘next time hopefully’ or something vague he will have forgotten by next time
Did he have any hobbies… gardening, cars or whatever any picture books with his subject in might take the pressure of just sitting not knowing what to say
Hope ideas these help

Notjustaprettyface
Not only go into his world but you have to practice diversion.
When he says when can we go say, shall we have a nice cup of tea and a biscuit
If there’s something going on in the lounge, say something, anything about that.
Mention other residents in the lounge.
It will feel odd to you at first but it’s surprising how quickly you learn to divert.

Thanks grannygeavy13
I try and do that sometimes but he becomes quite impatient and insistent so then I don’t know what to do ?

When my stepfather was first in a care home and then diagnosed with vascular dementia we were told to try to converse in his world as opposed to correcting and reminding him that he was not coming home and just go along with his conversation. 🌼