MiL wants to go to care home. We don’t think she’s ready.

My mum told us that if dad died first, she wanted to go into a Home. He died when Mum was 92 and a few days after the funeral she went into a lovely Home “ for a rest” for two weeks. It gave her a new lease of life. She did not have to worry about shopping or meals or housework. She joined in with whatever was on offer, including a trip to the local theatre, something she had not done for years. There were three lounges, and she mostly chose to go in the one most frequented by the men, as she found their conversation more interesting!
Mum hadn’t a clue about how her stay was financed, but she wanted to stay, and after several weeks, she agreed to put the empty house up for sale. She had seven good months here before she fell ill and died three weeks later.
It was absolutely the right decision.
If she had not been able to self-fund, she would not have been deemed to need to be in a Home, though she did need support from carers. But the social side was more important than the care. I hope this helps, OP.

I think it is up to her to make her own decisions. Why won't she be able to discuss politics or books in there? There may well be like-minded people that she will make friends with.

Cloudscape You are clearly thoughtful and caring; your MIL is lucky to have you!¬ So good that you can take on some of the suggestions here.

I too knew an elderly lady of 89 years who chose to go into a Care home, before evident "need"! She wanted to hand over responsibilities for every day living, to use her energy for other things. She wanted to have no worries re her house etc. No heating to deal with etc. She went into a Care home that allowed residents to go out etc and to lead relatively independent lives. She loved that her meals were cooked, her breakfast brought in bed, help was available if she needed it and she could still see friends as and when, have visitors, sit in a garden that was not her responsibility. She had several happy years there.

Good luck with the coming arrangements.

You’re welcome Cloudscape it’s just like real life some you’re going to like, some you aren’t some you agree with, some you don’t, some posters are very forthright but most people are kind and you get a LOT of really good advice, don’t leave, take the rough with the smooth you ll soon get used to the different styles. Chuck out of your head any nasty one and concentrate on those with good kind advice even if it’s not always what you would have thought of 🙂

Just as an aside to the main question; a good care home will foster the continuation of existing hobbies and interests both within and outside of the home. They are not prisons and if they’re in a location where residents can walk to a cafe or the shops they’ll encourage that, with support if needed. If too far from local amenities most have a mini-bus or other transport available to enable residents to get out and about.

Care homes local to me all have activity coordinators who arrange in-home events alongside visits to the cinema, theatre art/craft fairs etc. In addition to the organised ‘formal’ activities there are often lots of opportunities for more informal events and celebrations too.

Sounds like she wants to exercise her choice while she still can. I would do the same at her age, before being forced by circumstances to make the move.

grannyactivist puts it very well based on her experience as a chaplain. I was, clumsily, aiming at the same thing based on training I’ve had in listening to the desires of people with dementia — which is not suggest cloudscape’s mil has dementia, just the importance of listening very carefully to what people say.

Thanks Bluebelle - my first venture into Gransnet. It’s difficult to encapsulate entirely what you mean in a title but I see what you mean.

No point in leaving cloudscape people all have different views and very different ways of expressing them, some will agree, some will disagree, some will disagree kindly, some will sound sharp, you just accept that everyone is different when you throw out a question for advice or views.
I also think it may be the way you expressed your title “We don’t think she’s ready” which made it sound as if you thought she was wrong and you were right, if people read subsequent posts by you they would have realised that wasn’t what you meant at all, but not everyone goes through all the posts (a big bugbear of mine) before replying
Hang around most people on here are kind and caring

Thank you so much grannyactivist. That was just what I was hoping for. That makes so much sense. I’m so grateful ( I was so upset by previous posters view that I was being patronising and controlling that I left Gransnet - have rejoined just to say thank you for your lovely and helpful post) x

Lovely post Grannyactvist I hope I m strong enough to know when I need help
I think you will warm to it once you know she s ok Cloudscape she sounds a wise woman who knows what’s best for her
Good luck I m sure it ll all work out well

Your post reminds me of someone I met when I was a Care Home Chaplain. The lady had made the same decision as your MIL cloudscape, but her family brought her to look around the home with a view to a month’s respite in order to see if it really was what she wanted as they thought she didn’t ‘need’ to move yet. She was adamant that she wanted to move in on a permanent basis and that’s what she did.

After about eight months or so she confided in me that she had become so tired and lonely at home that she just wanted some company and the reassurance that there would be people around her to look after her when she needed it. She wanted to move while she still was ‘herself’, so that if she deteriorated in health the people at the home would remember her as she had been. She initially continued to take part in many of the activities outside the home that she had previously enjoyed and when she became very frail and couldn’t go out any more she was so well established in the home that the other residents and staff often popped in to sit with her. She was a very thoughtful and intelligent woman who became a great favourite with everyone.

I think it is Japanese culture which encourages older people to dispose of their belongings as they get older so that their sprit is freed. Perhaps your mum is just naturally aware of this and wants to move, taking very little with her.
Getting a one or two week visit for her would be good. Then your worries that she might not settle would be assuaged.
You could also offer to store her belongings for a bit when she does go into a home, just in case she doesn't settle.

This might sound like criticism but that's not how it's meant, more a way of 'owning' your own perplexity. The old lady does not sound to be perplexed at all fro what has been said. Perhaps she has decided she'd like to have meals made for her and to have people around her.

Her wishing to take very little with her could also be taken as a sign that she wants to just let go and rest. At 92 this is hardly surprising.

I hope she finds what she wants and is content with the rest of her life.

cloudscape

Thanks for all the helpful comments particularly the suggestions about a trial stay.
To those concerned that we are intending not to respect her wishes that’s absolutely not the case . As I said we’re perplexed and are trying to understand her reasoning, not disrespect her wishes. We’re just worried.

So sorry cloudscape, my post was never meant to be critical- just to say that, it is her choice. So refreshing in many ways, as we have witnessed so many older people in tears, begging us to help, because their family want to put them in a care home, kicking and screaming and totally against their wishes.

So I think it is wonderful she has made a choice and wants to stick to it. At 92, it is wonderful.

I give up.

Am really really not trying to say that she doesn’t know best just looking for some insight about how a 92 yo might be viewing the prospect of supported accommodation v care home and why she’s making that choice. At the moment the reason “I don’t want to move house” isn’t making a great deal of sense to us. We are respecting her opinion and always have.

Your MIL sounds like a totally compos mentis, active adult who is certainly more than capable of making her own decisions, for her own reasons. Let her do so. How would you feel if you were making a decision about changing your own living arrangements and she told you that "you were not ready"? Annoyed at the patronising interference? I would be.

Fleurpepper

'she’s adamant that she wants to go to a care home'

so that is her choice entirely, and to be 100% respected, surely.

It's her life, her choice.

the problem of moving into supported accommodation is simple; unless it's within a complex that includes a full care facility, there may have to be another move, and not at a time she may not have the choices and capabilities she has now, sometimes in an emergency.

it depends very much on the care home as to whether there are other residents who are able to relate to others or are all in end of life/dementia situations.

cloudscape

Thanks Norah. Feel thoroughly told off now 😔

No intention to 'tell off' - attempted pointing to the other side. We do know what is available when we need care.

A 2 week stay is a brilliant idea. See what fits.

Most people are desperately trying to get the elders into homes while they are kicking and screaming not to go this time the
lady who is fully capable would like to go into one I think it would be a big mistake to think she doesn’t know best
You say she s starting to find it a bit more difficult to go to her meetings and at 92 that will escalate quickly
Please don’t think there wnt be anyone in the home able to debate politically with her or chat about books there will be all sorts of folks there just like outside. Most homes do not lock the residents in they are normally free to come and go, on their own if able or with family if not.
Most homes do do a two week trial they don’t want unhappy residents either
Good luck I think you are very lucky that your mum in law can and has made her own decision

Thanks Norah. Feel thoroughly told off now 😔

A friend's dad went to a care home after hospitalization for a fortnight. Went home, but he'd liked it so much, he sold up and went back.
Can she do a fortnight in the best one?

Baggs

I think a trial of a couple of weeks would be a good idea and I think your MiL deserves to be treated as if she knows what she wants. It would be disrespectful not to do her that justice.

Indeed.

We intend to select our care, when and as needed in our opinions - we know what we're about far better than our daughters.

Thanks for all the helpful comments particularly the suggestions about a trial stay.
To those concerned that we are intending not to respect her wishes that’s absolutely not the case . As I said we’re perplexed and are trying to understand her reasoning, not disrespect her wishes. We’re just worried.