Mum won't pay for care.

Thankyou all, so many similar experiences! Im amazed and also relieved to find this out.

Thanks Visgirl I have told my Mum before that it's her care bill and her finances they want to assess. It's nothing to do with me and I'll not assume any responsibility because I can't afford it. With my Mother in Law in full time care, I am wholly aware of what the costs are - more than £1000 a week (and who earns that ?) I certainly don't earn enough.

Pepper59 I don't know if there are the beginnings of dementia or not, but she definitely has capacity right now. It's been assessed recently. You're right, she can sack who she wants and do what she wants. It would be really, really nice if she could take the responsibilty for the consequences of her choices, but "it's everyone else's fault, but mine" syndrome!

Witzend wow, that's really similar! How can you help someone that doesn't want help? Maybe they want attention and not help? That's rubbish that your DH had to pay the fees. I don't have POA, which I'm assuming he had? The people who she has lined up to have POA do not want anything to do with her because of her bad choices, lies, refusal to take responsibility for anything and backstabbing. What do these people think is going to happen to their money? They can't take it with them!!! Fancy being so in love with wealth that you cannot part with it for your own care. Delusional!!!

Dh had an aunt like this - plenty of money but absolutely loathed parting with any of it. We lived a 2 hour drive away so no question of popping in to help, though dh did his best, arranging carers - who she’d promptly send away.

She expected friends and neighbours to help her ‘for love’ when she’d never have put herself out except as a one off. I well remember her saying when younger, ‘I’ll do it once, but I’m not getting involved.’

There came a point when a care home was the only viable option, but although it was all arranged by dh, and she was quite unable to manage any more, she refused point blank to go, until 9pm one night, when my poor dh had been there all day, trying to help/persuade her.

She gave in only when he finally said, ‘Well, that’s it - if you won’t go, I’m going home.’

Dh still had to pay the fees, and get her to pay him back, because she insisted that, ‘If they know I’ve got money, they’ll find a way to steal it.’
There would be a screech of ‘How much?!’ when he presented a cheque for her to sign!

If there is no dementia or any illness which may affect her judgement, then Im afraid it's time for 'tough love'. You need to sit down and tell your mother how it is ( and how it's going to be). I'm sorry but she sounds self- centred with not a thought as to what she is putting her family through. If she will not accept that you cannot be on tap 24/7, tell her you can no longer cope and walk away ( but keep an eye from a distance). Don't answer the phone. I would never put any of my adult children through this. Im sorry but she needs to learn that her adult children have their own lives and own problems. If you don't do this your health and your mental health will suffer. Let her sack who she wants, but make it clear you won't be stepping in as you are working.

Wow.. Best of luck.. However when Social Services were assessing my Mums care package, it's just her accounts they will need to see, not yours as she is the recipient.
They take everything into consideration including upkeep of house, maintaining the building, window cleaning, garden etc etc as well as personal needs.
They won't take your assistance into consideration.
Best of luck, stay strong, lots of good advise on here.

Thanks, your messages mean a lot. I have noticed, there's a real stigma (IRL) about saying anything against your Mum. I don't want people to think badly of me, so I just keep it inside me and write here in an attempt to get things in perspective.

After a lifetime of never being believed and being blamed for everything, its easy to slip back into that mindset. I don't think most people can handle the truth of what my Mother is like so I really appreciate your messages of support.

If Social services get involved, I will refuse to pay for care- because she CAN afford it and I cannot.

I agree with woodmouse 100%.
I would leave her to stew in her self delusional pot.

If she really can’t look after herself you could involve social services. DF of a friend refused to pay for care when he needed to go into a home and the fees were paid from his estate when he died.
On no account should you give up your life to look after her.

Thanks Shropshirelass. I haven't actually confronted her on this yet, that I know she is well off. I just can't understand why anyone would try to con someone to pay for something they can afford themselves??? Also, I have several years of pension credits still to work for and she knows that, but still the guilt trips.

It's hideous that my own Mother would rather see me with nothing than pursuing my career and living with my husband, having my life just as she had hers. I have let this fully sink in and yes, its truly shocking as Mothers are supposed to want the best for us. Neither of my parents gave any care to their parents. I have already gone above and beyond, but she really needs to start taking responsiblity for the decisions she made, like moving several hundred miles away from the one who would have been her care giver. It's idiotic.

She is capable of making her own decisions and knows that she can afford care. Don’t let her guilt trip you into doing it for her. You have your life and she has had hers and is adequately provided for. This might sound hard, but when the time comes that you need to and are able to help then do so but she can pay for any help she needs. Good luck.

@Hithere you are so accurate! Have you lived this too?

@Imaround yes my Mother also had a near death experience and we thought she was changed from it, but she's not. Like you, I have had bad reactions from talking to people who I thought were my friends because many people can't deal with the truth. As I said, I have ONE offline friend who is going through similar and actually believes me. I wish I had more, so I did not feel I have to keep it a shameful secret. I am grateful to be able to talk here! You are a good person! You cannot force people to do what they don't want to do, but their choices have consequences and I hope they are fully prepared for those!

@Bluebalou I'm so sorry! One of my friends Dad's dumped her Mum when she needed nursing care because he did not want the house to be sold. Because she was homeless and single my friend got her council funding, although Im not sure of the actual legalities of that.
That is truly devastating and I'm so sorry! To find out they were so wealthy and kept the money a secret is such a huge lie. My Mum and her partner went through a nasty divorce battle which lasted years and it revealed that there was a LOT of money involved that we had never known she had, yet she still lives like a pauper.

I have been thinking about getting the safeguarding team involved, but am not sure how to do it. It was very revealing that she ended her care before she was forced to reveal her financial status for assessment. Obviously she knew she would not qualify and would need to pay in full.

Im so sorry that your father was such a selfish nasty man and that you only found out the truth after he had died.

I think my mother is making herself deliberately helpless, maybe? She has always come across as this totally selfless person, but now I'm not so sure. I cannot understand why she feels entitled to someone else paying for her care when she has the wherewithal??? I cannot understand why she expects me to give up my job/marriage/life to look after her because she won't accept carers or pay for them when she is able to. Anyway, my husband put his foot down and I took vows to be with him-not my Mum. Plus she moved hundreds of miles away. I never would have done that to her.

Iamarond I too say that you are far from heartless.
OnwardandUpward I had a very similar situation with my parents but it was my father refusing to pay for care my mother desperately needed because ‘The money’s for me when I need a nursing home’. We even discussed getting a bank loan to pay for my mother’s care, the situation was so dire. I also seriously considered getting the Safeguarding team involved because my mother was so at risk.
In the end we had to pay for a nursing home placement for mum and my father also got admitted there a few months later.
To my utter disgust we found that my father had £100’s of thousands in his accounts when he died, he could very easily have made my mother’s life comfortable.
We also discovered more that has made me view my father in a very different and disappointing way.

So sorry to hear that Iamaround
You are far from heartless

That is where I was hithere. Estranged for the most part unless I was forced to talk to her for my Grandmothers care. But then she almost died.

The range of emotions I went through when she first went into the hospital surprised me. I hate her, but I couldn't imagine her death.

Sadly, I fell for the "this near death experience has changed me" as she was getting better. It didn't.

Since that first week, she has been back to the hospital in ICU septic twice now. Because she refuses to even take her medicines. This sounds totally heartless, but this last time I told my sister I am not sure I would have called an ambulance for her. Of course I know that I would have. I couldn't not because I am not a monster and I need to be able to lay my head down on my pillow each night.

It is nice to be able to talk about this on here. So many people judge when I say, I don't like my mom. But she is not a nice person.

You have to reach the point when they have faked it so many times that
1. you no longer believe a word that come out of their mouths,
2. what you do for them is never enough
3. When you need them or are sick, they tell you you are faking it and you are an inconvenience
4. They spoil and take over all celebrations, important events in your life....
5. Etc

You say enough

@Imaround that's terrible, Im so sorry! Im actually glad youre sharing your story, Although I feel sad for you, it also helps that I know it happens to others.

Off screen there is only ONE friend who I can talk to about this because most people get upset if they know you have a problem with your parent and end up judging me for it so I've learned to keep quiet.

Im glad you can talk freely here. I will be back tomorrow as it's middle of the night here.

You're right Hithere, thanks.

This is a new thing with my Mother, but my friends Mum has been doing it for ages. I never want to be like that, its sick.

If you ignore some one sick in hospital it would feel so bad, I would struggle to do it and yet its impossible to do right by me and them,

People who are

Literally sounds like my mom.

She has, several times, stopped paying her house payment because my dad wasn't helping her around the house. That almost led to foreclosure. They had to borrow money from relatives to save th house.

She also quit paying my dad's truck payment for the same reason
They reposted his truck while she was visiting me in another state.

My sister talked to medical people to set up hospice for my dad as he is refusing all medical treatments. Mom was ps

Mad because she should have been the one to do it. But she would have turned them away saying there is no need. That is for my dads medical care, not even her own.

He is also a selfish person who doesn't even k ow how to cook a meal, but at least he is not manipulative like she is.

Sorry, don't mean to over take. But I find it is helpful sometimes to know there are others who are going through similar things. Sometimes I feel so isolated.

"It seems really manipulative, but who among us can ignore someone hurt in hospital?"

People who is called "heartless" and refuses to play that game

If she does it, she keeps doing it because it works.

If there is no reward, why do something?

@Imaround sorry to hear that. I have been wondering if my Mother is deliberately doing things that are detrimental to her health and wellbeing, especially after one of my friends told me that her Mum has "accidents" on purpose to make all her kids rush to the hospital. In my friends case, she doesn't talk to her Mum most of the time and then when an accident happens she has to. It seems really manipulative, but who among us can ignore someone hurt in hospital?

Yes, true. I don't think her GP is bothered about her as they haven't been to see her once since she got out of hospital, but I will try. I feel like she causes a lot of drama and also Ive caught her lying because she pocket dialed me by accident on her mobile while she was talking on her other phone- and I heard what she said so now realise she's lied a lot.

The suggestion that you contact her GP/community services is a good one. Obviously they won’t talk to you about your mum but if you have alerted them to the situation the ball is in their court.

My mom is classic Class B personality with the emotional maturity of a 4 year old She is capable of making decisions for herself. But like the OP's, she makes bad decisions. I think she makes some decisions on purpose in order to get attention.

I am seriously financially depleted as well. I've bought her so many things because she keeps failing to order food online. I'm not sure if there's a problem for real or if it's acting, but she always has used a computer by herself.

It's so hard to let them get on with it. Before my Mum's accident she was talking about death a lot and about a friend who was so depressed that they'd do anything to get a hospital bed. I've got a friend who is 100% sure that her Mum deliberately has accidents so she will go to the hospital...I hope mine did not do this, but there is no way of knowing.

As I said to one of my siblings, it's her choice and we must respect her choices even if we do not like them.

You have done enough Onward and you must now put yourself first. If your mother chooses to dispense of all her carers that is her choice. Do not let it spoil your life. I know how difficult it is though, as we do feel responsible towards our elderly parents however they behave.
imaround sorry to hear you’re struggling with a similar situation. You also will have to let your mother get on with it, whatever the outcome.

@Imaround I'm so sorry! That's so hurtful and annoying!

Does your Mother have a sound mind? I mean, if she's not mentally ill or anything can you work out her motives for behaving like this?

I don't know how to handle this. I don't feel right turning my back at this point, yet she has sabotaged everything I set up to help her. Because I don't live near and don't drive, I'll not see her for a few months now.

I can't think why anyone would sabotage their healing. It's nuts! Yet its totally believeable. So sad for you.