Not invited to funeral

BlueBelle

I myself want nothing, a simple cremation, already paid and organised, however, much to my surprise a couple of my grandkids told their mum they were not happy with a “nothing” end for me. So I am saving up money to leave them enough for a family meal in my name There’s a lovely hotel nearby that does nice wakes so that ll be fine We are a very small family and two out of three of my children live overseas so may not be able to be around, however 5 out of 7 grandkids may be able to if that makes them happy
I was the youngest of all cousins and every one of my family are already long gone, no relatives left, except my children and grandchildren

Ahh that sounds lovely bluebell.

It may be that this small funeral was all that his wife could cope with after all that had gone before.
It is sad that you will not be able to say a formal farewell.
Could you maybe make a donation to charity in his memory? ... one that he would have wished to support.

Lathyrus3

My husbands funeral was a very public affair. People were brought to it in coaches.
It was nothing more than an ordeal to be got through.

Later I scattered his ashes privately. That was real.

You can make your own meaningful goodbye and leave them to make theirs. That’s best for everyone I think.

💐 that must have been so hard for you.

BlueBelle

Well it’s not a slight on you as it’s only 8 close family so I think you must accept the thoughts behind it , even if not agreeing or understanding. I d buy a bottle of your favourite tipple or cup of tea if you prefer and quietly celebrate his life and your friendship, your way in your heart and in your head, at the time of the funeral
Funerals are just outward showing of grief and very overrated in my opinion
When my close friend died I didn’t want to go to her funeral, all her friends were dressing up and having a party, and that was their way, for me I spent my time alone just think about her We re all different
Don’t be sad for the funeral, be sad for your friendship leaving you and for his suffering, but don’t be sad about the outward stuff . Do it your way

Good, and lovely advice

I myself want nothing, a simple cremation, already paid and organised, however, much to my surprise a couple of my grandkids told their mum they were not happy with a “nothing” end for me. So I am saving up money to leave them enough for a family meal in my name There’s a lovely hotel nearby that does nice wakes so that ll be fine We are a very small family and two out of three of my children live overseas so may not be able to be around, however 5 out of 7 grandkids may be able to if that makes them happy
I was the youngest of all cousins and every one of my family are already long gone, no relatives left, except my children and grandchildren

Then you need to respect their wishes. There are many ways that you can reflect on the occasion and remember them in your own way……being involved in the service and commital isn’t necessary

Maremia

But you did get to say a proper goodbye, when you paid all those visits in the hospital.
Visits that he was able to appreciate, this side of things.
You'll find a way to make it work on the day.
Lots of good suggestions upthread.
💐 💐 💐

Like I always say, the poster gave her her flowers whilst she was still living.

My husbands funeral was a very public affair. People were brought to it in coaches.
It was nothing more than an ordeal to be got through.

Later I scattered his ashes privately. That was real.

You can make your own meaningful goodbye and leave them to make theirs. That’s best for everyone I think.

It isn't clear whose decision the "close family only" was made by.
OP shows her class in respecting the family's decision regardless and that is absolutely the right thing to do.

I want overwhelmingly at my funeral people who really meant something to me and that includes dearest friends prioritised over some family who, frankly, mean less to me.
I dislike the idea that some people , only because they have the technical label of "family" should be prioritised at all costs including over valuable , loved friends.
Friendship should not be devalued and discarded. A good friend is worth their weight in gold.

But you did get to say a proper goodbye, when you paid all those visits in the hospital.
Visits that he was able to appreciate, this side of things.
You'll find a way to make it work on the day.
Lots of good suggestions upthread.
💐 💐 💐

There are some lovely posts on here. I thin lots of people now do not want big funerals. A family member had a pure cremation a few weeks ago but did have a 'wake' as such for people a few weeks afterwards. I suppose some of these decisions might be financial

I'm sorry about your friend look after yourself x

My close friend is terminal.
Funeral will be a simple cremation. No celebration of life.
I may not even get to know that she had passed straight away as her son doesn’t have my number.
I will just light a candle for her at church.

Different people make different decisions which are not influenced by the greater circle. I would think of the music, food, art, or whatever or friend liked, take an hour out at the time of the funeral, light a candle, put the music on, reminisce, look at photos etc and be there in spirit. I have also gone to our local parish church and put a prayer message on their message trees for friends who died a long way away from me or people I no longer saw but played a big role in my life.

I understand how you feel. I have a longstanding friend. We have known each other 70 years, and were she to die first, I would be devastated to be excluded from the funeral.

But, I have said many times on GN that funeral plans are for the deceased when living. The funeral is for those left behind and if, were my friend to die and the family say 'family only' I would be devastated, but I would accept it, I would have no choice, but I think I would devise my own quiet 'funeral service', as other people have suggested and hold my own remembrance.

That must be hard to take but when it comes to funerals you have to accept any wishes that the deceased has requested. In this case it looks like a very small funeral was what he wanted.
You say that you and many others will not be going to his funeral. If you are close enough to some of them why don't you get together for lunch and share your reminiscences that way?

Should read DH and I

Due to health problems and long distance I couldn’t get to a dear friends funeral. On the day DH went to our nearby Cathedral and lit a candle and then had tea and cake as she and I used to do

Lovely post Aldom, and what a loss.

It's a tricky one, to accept the wishes of family but also to find your own path and way of saying Goodbye.

Very sorry.

My younger, twin brothers died a few months apart, four years ago.
The first brother to die wanted no one in attendance for his cremation.
My sister in law rang me to explain, thinking that I might be upset at not being able to attend. I reassured her that I was perfectly happy with my brother's wishes and I would quietly think of him on the day of his cremation. He was not religious.
When my second brother died his wife also contacted me to say that the only people present at his service would be the priest and herself. My brother and his wife were practicing Catholics and the priest had been very supportive throughout his illness. I sat in a Catholic church in Oxford, quietly remembering my brother at the time of his short service prior to cremation.
I feel I have said goodbye to my brothers' and have respected their wishes. My acceptance made it easier for their widows. I have no regrets regarding the way things were done.
I send you my kindest condolences for the loss of your dear friend. May you too find acceptance and peace.

My mum made her wishes clear. She didnt want a funeral with lots of people. She only wanted 'the breakfast club' ie immediate family who went out with her every month. We adhered to those wishes. A funeral is hard to organise and please everyone so just think of your friend and drink a toast to him.

Well it’s not a slight on you as it’s only 8 close family so I think you must accept the thoughts behind it , even if not agreeing or understanding. I d buy a bottle of your favourite tipple or cup of tea if you prefer and quietly celebrate his life and your friendship, your way in your heart and in your head, at the time of the funeral
Funerals are just outward showing of grief and very overrated in my opinion
When my close friend died I didn’t want to go to her funeral, all her friends were dressing up and having a party, and that was their way, for me I spent my time alone just think about her We re all different
Don’t be sad for the funeral, be sad for your friendship leaving you and for his suffering, but don’t be sad about the outward stuff . Do it your way