Loss of friends

I lost a good friend suddenly and then my sister from illness within six months and both losses were full of grief. To lose family and friends feels as though the building blocks of life are being dismantled and it’s so painful. I’ve recently lost my husband and yes, that’s a different kind of grief, but I don’t think it means someone else’s grief is diminished - you are allowed to mourn your friend.

I’ve been - what is the term - taken aback? Astonished? Amazed? None is quite right but I’ll use ‘taken aback’…at how some of our friends have reacted to my dh’s death. They clearly feel his loss profoundly and I’ve had some beautiful letters and messages, expressing emotions and sympathies in the loveliest ways. Their grief does not diminish mine, if anything it justifies it, not that I need justification.

I hope you find some calm, Jenpax. X

Wotapalaver

The feelings of guilt for grieving for a dear friend, because you're not a family member, resonates strongly with me. I've very recently lost my dearest friend of almost 45 years and am struggling not just with the misery of losing her but also the feelings of shame that her family's loss and grief is much greater than mine. I'm trying to hide my grief from everyone in case it's seen as being unseemly too; like I shouldn't feel so devastated in comparison to her family. But despite having lost many family members over the years, I've never felt so grief stricken or adrift as I do right now. I dread anyone asking about her death or funeral because I can't hold back the tears and I'm embarrassed about that too; this strength of feeling shouldn't belong to me.

Oh Wotapalaver your post made me feel so sad for you. I can only say what I believe - that different types of bereavement are exactly that - different. Not greater or lesser. Surely people who care about you will sit with you and listen while you talk about and cry for your friend? If you haven’t anyone, then I’m really sorry. Is there anyone else you’re in touch with who was also a good friend of hers? But please the strength of feeling does belong to you. When my DH died, his close friends cried with me and still tell me how they miss him - that is such a comfort that he was loved and is missed by others as well and hadn’t disappeared from their hearts

Thanks Tulip

I sympathise with jenpex as I feel they might be feeling, as I did, that somehow their grief is not as valid or should not be as intense, if they are not related to the deceased.

I feel the same way about the way some people dismiss the grief felt when a much loved pet dies.

I should add that I do not wish to diminish or discount, in any way, the grief felt when a spouse or other family member dies.

The feelings of guilt for grieving for a dear friend, because you're not a family member, resonates strongly with me. I've very recently lost my dearest friend of almost 45 years and am struggling not just with the misery of losing her but also the feelings of shame that her family's loss and grief is much greater than mine. I'm trying to hide my grief from everyone in case it's seen as being unseemly too; like I shouldn't feel so devastated in comparison to her family. But despite having lost many family members over the years, I've never felt so grief stricken or adrift as I do right now. I dread anyone asking about her death or funeral because I can't hold back the tears and I'm embarrassed about that too; this strength of feeling shouldn't belong to me.

Nobody can know the depth of grief someone else feels. I remember a friend apologising when in floods of tears when her old dog died.
I don't think grief can be quantified by how much others think you should feel.

Magenta - how hard to have to question your right to grieve or think your grief might be judged unseemly. Both deaths of your friends were hard and especially the one who died by suicide. I think perhaps in general society underestimates the impact of the death of friends - and especially as we get older.

I have experienced similar feelings jenpax. I was very upset when a friend of mine was drowned at sea and it took a long time for me to come to terms with it. I almost felt that I had no right to grieve as much as I did as I was not a relative.

The second time was when one of my friends committed suicide by hanging herself. I not only grieved, I was also wracked with guilt for a very long time in case I had done or said anything that might have tipped her over the edge. I spent a lot of time going over recent conversations in my head and also looking for clues as to why she did it (there was not note). I literally had nightmares about it for quite some time.

In both cases I struggled with a great deal of grief that some people may have judged as unseemly.

I’ve no advice to give you as only you know how you feel and how it has affected you.
I can only say how very very sorry I am for this difficult time you are having. Sending you a warm hug. X

I understand - in the last 15 months I have lost ( and I use that word because it is such a loss) my two best ( yes really best) friends. One I’d known for 68 years and one for 54 years. Different types of bereavement are not in competition and the death of dear friends has its own particular sadnesses. Friendship is special and whilst I have other friends, these two remain woven into my life. One of them was there for me during my husband’s illness and death ( the other was terminally ill at the same time ). Have you anyone you talk to about your friends? My DD had known both of them all her life and loved and was loved by them both and so we can share memories and I can talk about them to her which helps. I haven’t any solutions - grief and loss are not things that can be tidied up and put away but as I said talking about them helps. I’m also still in touch with the children if one of them and the husband of the other and that helps me ( and also I hope it helps them a bit)