Sometimes it’s just the small things that press the bruise isn’t it? 😢

🎖️🏅I m not sending flowers but medals for you all.

I think the logical brain must predominate there, Lucky. I feel that prolonging his suffering would not have been right and I do remember how unwell your husband was over quite a long time. But I too have those emotional moments when I think of things I should have done or said. Can’t change that though.

Redcar sorry my shaky hand press post.

Hopefully this will make you smile . After my new neurologist had my whole genome genetically tested found out I was born with a mutant gene in my receptors and it's rare . First ever patient at the neurological hospital up here to have it.

My husband was a joker he could make you believe black was white and keep at straight face . If he had lived to find out my diagnosis he would have great pleasure in telling everyone he married a mutant 😁. Luckily the mutantion I have stopped at me I have it but not a carrier for it. My brother is fine and not a carrier so our children and grandsons are fine .
But some with same mutation but different lettering and number means they have it but also carriers for it so it can be past down the generations.

Plus he would tell people the hole in the side of my heart was where cupids arrow hit me .

His grade 4 malignant melanoma was on right side of his face hidden in his thick hair and beard. It appeared over night. He shaved his beard to a goatee. And had a large oval skin graft in his face from his hairline to nearly his chin . When asked about it he said he was in a pub fight and got bottled but you should have seen the other guy.

Bet you have stories of of the madcap things your husband did and say . On your worse day try and think of those moments and that goes for everyone here . I promise it does help even for a short time .

One of the major factors for me was that I, in conjunction with my family, made the decision to let my husband die rather than have his pneumonia treated, which would have dragged him back to a totally miserable life of helplessness and fear with no hope of an end to it.
This so colours my remembrance of his death ... it feels a hard burden to shoulder even 6 years on.
The medics were about to blue light him to hospital but stopped straight away when I said I needed to discuss this with my family and totally respected our decision ... I honestly think they were relieved to have what they too knew was the right decision taken off their shoulders. And his consultant kindly showed up at the nursing home one evening to tell us all we had done the right thing and she would have been making the same decision for a loved one of hers.

But it still weighs heavy ... logical brain versus emotional.

Lots of love to all of you gong through this flowers]

Redcar sorry I didn't read you post until now. I know what it's like every little detail you remember and it's hurts just as much . But your brain can't or won't stop you reliving it. Seeing the person you love most in the world dieing is torture and there is nothing you can do . I was born disabled my husband was the fit healthy one . I was prepared to die first had even thought the children would have to watch their dad as I know he would have drunk to much until he came to his senses.

Hugs to you FGT.

Only 11 weeks, FGT: that’s no time at all. I’m 15 months into my widowhood and one of the first things I missed, and still do, is a voice calling out “hello darling”, when I put my key in the door after being out somewhere. He always did that.

We had 56 wonderful years, so a long time. His clothes are still in his wardrobe. I will deal with them one day.

I wanted to send pats on the back to all those who are coping with this hard road - even if you think you are doing it imperfectly, you are simply doing it which is an achievement in itself and deserves the admiration of us all.

I have one friend whom I see weekly at the choir I run and she always gives me a hug - as she says "You do not have someone to hug you every day and I know how lucky I am to still have my husband." That means a lot to me in the midst of this misery. If anyone who isn't widowed is reading this thread it is something to bear in mind.

My DDs and GC always hug me too, and I appreciate that so much.

I do feel very sad and very lonely a lot of the time - I, like many of us, have many physical buggerations to contend with on top of the loneliness .... I try to be good company when I am with people but I am sometimes just completely wiped out. Sometimes I feel I am just putting on an act for others' comfort - but of course if I didn't they would be very happy never to see me again ....

You obviously have a very caring nature Whiff.

Romola

Sending you condolences FGT. There's an army of us going through the same process. We know.

Indeed Romola thank you.
This is a thread for us all to share what those experiences were (are) like. It may help others to read or encourage them to join in and post. That would be good. Not as a misery fest but to listen, acknowledge and empathise.

FGT close couples who were friends . If their husband did a job for me the wife came to . One even said she needed to keep an eye on him. A neighbour said haven't you stopped grieving it's been 6 months .
I was in my local town where I used to live few months after my husband died and a good friend of mine saw me stopped dead look of horror on her face and she dashed into the nearest shop . Now the 45 year old me was hurt and just carried on . But if it has been the 50 year old me then I would have gone in after her as asked what the 🦆🦆🦆🦆 .

My husband and I did everything together. My being born disabled never phased him no matter how bad my mobility and invisible disabilities got. After he died I existed our home was just a house. I had no life . The children left as I wanted 2 years after their dad died.

But I had both parents and mother in law to look after . I was on call 24/7 not only my husband died but so did me. I lost me .

I moved over 100 miles to the north west nearly 7 years ago . And for the first time since my teens I sleep . I found me again ,got a home ,joined things I never thought I would and more friends than I have ever had.
And finding living the main promise I made my husband and living the best life I can. Have kept every promise I made him.

Until your spouse or partner dies you have no idea how it feels . I do offer people condolences but also say words don't mean anything but if you need to talk,cry have a hug or just sit in silence let me know and I will do what you need.

I didn't have that and that's why I try and help others in my own odd ball way.

Sending you condolences FGT. There's an army of us going through the same process. We know.

whiff five years on and I still relive the last week of my DH’s life every day. We were allowed to see him once before he died, we had to be in full protective gowns, hair covering, masks etc and weren’t supposed to touch him. He was sedated and unresponsive.
And at the time Boris and his mates were having parties in Downing Street….
We were happy with our own company and didn’t meet up with friends regularly so that side of life didn’t change. My friends now are all widowed or caring for husbands or wives but we see each other regularly. I do miss the days out we used to have.

I know Fried. She told me many years before I joined ‘the club that no one wants to be in’ and I’ve never forgotten.

Beechnut

I expect my cousin would agree with your first paragraph Luckygirl. She was told by the wife of a couple that three was a crowd.

Heavens ... how could anyone possibly say that? ... the mind just boggles.

Oh Beechnut what a harsh thing to say! Especially to someone newly bereaved and feeling as vulnerable as a mollusc in their new state. 😮

The friends thing is hard Luckygirl but I have been reflecting on this a bit this morning. If I’m honest, Himself and I always enjoyed each other’s company the MOST. We probably were, to some extent, one of the ‘smug marrieds’ (awful phrase but there you go). We did occasionally meet up for a meal (even a holiday once with a single friend, divorced) but whenever a get together like that was arranged (and enjoyed) we were always very grateful to being back to Just us Two. We used to have a weekly ‘date night’ on a Thursday before Himself’s diagnosis. Which is why I cannot expect to insert myself into coupledom territory, it wouldn’t be fair as deep down I do realise mist couples probably prefer the company of each other more.

So, going forward I will lower my expectations, accept any invitations gratefully as I’d be glad of the company, but I do intend to be very measured, not outstaying my welcome. “Leave when your company would still bid you stay” was the wise advice from my lovely mother in law, back in the day. I shall heed it, whilst at the same time hope for one or two firm offers of companionship this summer.

I expect my cousin would agree with your first paragraph Luckygirl. She was told by the wife of a couple that three was a crowd.

I have been on my own for a long time but I remember those early days/months/years.
People told me special dates would be hard. They were but often it was some unexpected thing that would set me off. I avoided couples for a while as their closeness would accentuate my loss.
It takes time to be able to think about him and remember his humour and find I'm laughing not crying now.
The first year is very tough and you have to look after yourself and just go with the bad days. They do get less as time goes on but I know that's no comfort now.

The friends thing is hard. It feels as if some could relate to a couple but not a widow. I have found that very hard indeed. Couples we regularly shared holidays, meals, celebrations with .... drifted away now. I guess they don't want a spare part on board. I am part of lots of groups and have friends of course, but not close ... they drift off to their coupledom and I go home alone.

His funeral was immediately prior to lock down so I share that distanced grieving process with others ... maybe that exacerbated the friends drifting away effect.
1 miss physical contact ... a hug, a passing arm round the shoulder ... all of that. Yes ... that more than anything.
I hate watching the jobs pile up that I am not strong enough to do ... plants waiting to go in, rotting garden furniture that needs breaking up and going to the tip, weeding, curtain fallen down .... silly things but we would have tackled them together.
It's bloody hard ... add in serious health problems and some days just feel a chore.
I do my best to stay upbeat for my family, but getting less good at it.

Handholds all round for those in a similar boat.

FGT being a widow isn't for sissies and there is no right or wrong way to grieve. I have been widowed for 22 years since I was 45. We knew from the start in January 2001 my husband wouldn't live 5 years . But once the cancer was removed and skin graft only me and our children knew he was dieing . As in his words he didn't want to be treated as a dead man walking. And he insisted we live and treat eachother the same way we always had . He wanted to get to his 47th birthday he died 4 days later in 2004 in our bed with me and the children. I had to tell him to stop struggling as he was in agony and couldn't breath even on full oxygen. I said we would be ok he died few minutes later. But my husband had to die the cancer was to far advanced and in so much pain . Unfortunately they fitted the morphine pump before I could end his life like we had planned . Our McMillan nurse had told us what dose would kill him and I would gladly have done it and bugger the consequences. He's agony went on longer than it should have .

I have written on other threads on this forum . But love like grief never dies. In my experience my grief gets worse as the years go by. I took me 2 years to stop counting the years ,months ,weeks,days and minutes from when he died. I talk to him everyday as it makes me feel better ,have shouted at him for dieing ,swore at him ,blamed him for things , screamed and thrown pillows then I see him with that stupid grin on his face as if to say feel better and I do.

Even after all these years bone crushing grief can hit me out of the blue but I don't fight it and cry .

Grief like love is a personal thing . And going through the stages of grief effects people differently. The rage and anger I feel over my husband is what had kept me going everyday . I have been told I am wicked to feel this way . But I use it in a positive way . It's what gets me out of bed every morning and living my life to the full.

If we didn't love them we couldn't grieve . I would rather grieve than never have loved. My husband was the other half of me and I was his . I haven't been whole since his last breath. But learnt to cope it took years . I am still married ,still Mrs and still have a husband that wouldn't change until the day I die.

I glad early grief the first 10 years. But it took me 14 years to stop reliving the last 2 weeks of my husband's life it was like watching a black and white film. It only stopped when our daughter found out and told our son . Normally they text on his death day and said I was fine and had cried. But that day she phoned and it all came out . Both of our children told me I should have told them . But they had their own grief to deal with. But I vowed never to let that happen again and I haven't.

This year took me a week before I cried as I didn't cry on the anniversary of his death . And it was something stupid that set me off and cried so much my eyes hurt and had a pain in my chest. But felt such relief I had cried.

No idea if this helps or makes sense . But I consider myself lucky we had 29 years and married 22 years . I found my one and only and he me . The only person in the world who knew the real me and I knew the real him . Some people live their whole lives and never have that .

Cards were becoming a chore anyway, Merlotgran so this seems to be an opportune moment to change my habits. It’s months until that season that must not be mentioned occurs - I might change my mind by December!

I remember your daughter and dh’s story very well, my heart went out to you then and still does now. You’re right though, we go on because there’s no alternative. X

My DH died 5 years ago of COVID, we thought we both had a slight cold, but his got worse. We did tests on Christmas Day, his came back positive on Boxing Day and he was admitted to hospital that day. We had gale force winds that night, the shed roof blew off and one of the garden gates came off its hinges! He would have fixed them both. It’s when things in the house go wrong that I really feel his loss., because I don’t know what to do.
My next door neighbours are brilliant at helping out luckily. When he died we were in one of the many lockdowns so I could only see people from 2 metres away!
It still looks odd to see just my name in a card I’ve written.
We just have to get on with life although it will never be the same. Sometimes I’m quite amazed at some of the things I’ve had to deal with.

Please don’t give up sending cards if that’s what you did as a couple. It hurts like hell in the early days to sign your name because it looks alone and adrift but five years down the line I’m proud of where I am and I sign my name accordingly.
When DD1 died I overheard a friend telling DH how stoic he thought we both were. DH replied, ‘It is what it is and we have to get on with it.’
I lost him 18 months later so ‘getting on with it’ which included selling our home and moving to an unfamiliar town to be nearer to DD2, was all down to me. It took all my strength and courage and I ended up in hospital with stress related heart problems but I bounced back.
It’s what we do isn’t it?