Sometimes it’s just the small things that press the bruise isn’t it? 😢

Thank you Dickens for saying that. Himself was indeed stoic and pragmatic (buzzword du jour). He never once felt sorry for himself - just once did his eyes fill when he said “I really thought I’d be here to see the Boy Wonder get His driving lessons”.

Not to be my darling man.
Not to be.

You write so poignantly about ‘missed moments’ Dickens. They do press the bruise don’t they?

I had plenty of time to anticipate his death. I made a conscious decision to listen more fully when he was talking (even Formula 1 or football). I readily acquiesced to any choice he put forward thinking “he won’t be here when I go forward afterwards, so it’s important that he has anything he wants”.

Which was never much. He was one of those men, happy to be a good provider - it’s the way he showed his love for us all - with never much wished for himself. Ah, my man.

I am reading a book on grief “You’ll Get Over It” by Virginia Ironside (she used to be an agony aunt as well as a highly successful journalist). The book has been on my bookcase for 20 years, bought when a family bereavement floored me.

I came across this sentence earlier which I liked (you of course may not we are all different):

“Don’t look on it as a life interrupted, try to think of it as a life completed and then you can take it with you for the rest of your life”.

I found that comforting.

JustkeepswimmingDonna

FGT2 your comment about the soap made me cry. After COVID I said I was never going to take anything for granted again, but we soon slip back into doing just that. Your post has reminded me how it's the little things that matter. And that are so easily taken for granted. I wish you strength to bear your loss. Keep your precious memories close to your heart. I do so hope that we are reunited with our loved ones again, when our time comes. Sending you a big hug

After COVID I said I was never going to take anything for granted again, but we soon slip back into doing just that.

That struck a chord with me.

I think it does happen like this - because we can't live life on the razor's edge.

That's what I tell myself when I rage against all those moments when I feel I didn't make the most of them, or worse, took them for granted.

But life happens, it gets in the way and demands attention to all those mundane but necessary tasks that keep us ticking over.

My partner used to collect me from work on the way home from his work and we would drive down the leafy Portsmouth Road towards Cobham habitually listening to Beethoven's Violin Concerto in D which usually lasted until the 3rd unbearably evocative movement when we'd arrive home. Anxious to put on the washing, make those phone calls or attend to 'life admin', I'd abruptly switch off the CD player...

Why oh why didn't I just live in the moment and enjoy quietly sitting with the man I loved, the man I found in later life after we'd both emerged from previous abusive relationships?

Because I had all the time in the world - because I didn't realise how quickly that time passes and that such moments are destined to become all too soon those intense memories that haunt.

I cannot even bear to listen to that piece of music. Classic FM have a habit of playing it occasionally and I have to switch off because now I'm living on the knife-edge of regret and it quite literally chokes me. I didn't understand that time passes in the blink of an eye...

FGT2 - 11 weeks - it's still so recent. I know you held out hope the day would be held at bay but you were trying to prepare yourself for it... 'anticipatory grief'. Himself was so stoic, it makes the grief even more intense. You often wrote so amusingly and affectionately about him. I really feel for you.

I’m sorry for your loss . I can understand how you feel as my husband died when I was 54 and he was 58 . We had been married 35 years and thought we would have many more years until pulmonary fibrosis happened . He died 6 weeks after his diagnosis and I wouldn’t have got through it without my family .
The moments which hurt me the most were when I had a dream that he was alive and was happy for a little time , but then I would wake up and the reality would hit me like a sledge hammer.
It was 19 years ago this summer so I have time to come to terms with it .
Sending hugs x

Totally understand how you feel. When my husband died for the first few months every time I sat at my dressing table in the morning putting my make up on to go to work I would think my husband should be in the shower and getting ready for work. My eyes would stream with tears and I’d have to clean my face and start again.

I think all of you lovely grans have said it all, I feel that I have not the words to match your thoughts.

Eight years now since I lost my lovely Mike, and still there is not a second, minute, hour that he is not in my thoughts.
It's the smallest things: cooking for one, etc etc; and where is my nice tall man when it comes to changing a lightbulb or replacing the batteries in the smoke alarm?

Everything has to be done by me, every decision big or small made by me alone. No one to plan with, holiday with, hold hands with.

I had sort of prepared myself; DH's cancer which was successfully treated in 2004, then returned in 2011, successfully treated again, then returned for the final time in 2015/16 and over the next couple of years got worse and was incurable, plus the fact he had a stroke after which he was never the same, I felt in my heart that he would not see 2019, and indeed it was much sooner, February 2018.... I had grieved during those last month's but nothing prepared me.

I am busy, found new activities, made new friends, have good loving family but that one special person who was always there was no longer with me and there is a big hole in my life. I try to live my life as he would have wished it, and hope that somewhere he is watching me and smiling.....

So so sad. I feel for you. I've recently lost parents, I'm grieving but it's definitely a different grief to that of losing a partner. Big hugs and 💞

My dear sweet lady, do not chide yourself for grieving your beloved DH. Just take 1 day at time. Cry as much as you want, it is perfectly normal. There is nothing anyone can say or do to alleviate your ache. Just think of it in manageable snippets, day by day. My thoughts and prayers are with you xx

I met my late husband when I was Grammar School and he had come home on leave from the Fleet Air Arm. Everyone called us the perpetual teenagers - and it is that closeness and a hug in passing that I miss 26 years after his passing. I have one daughter and one granddaughter who live reasonably near but, unfortunately, they are too tied up in their own affairs to give me much time. At 91 years I have outlived all of my close friends and, although I still drive ( a necessity as no local buses) I find it hard to join in local Clubs etc.
Recently, going through boxes of old photos, I found myself crying looking at our happy young selves. I always joke that we never really had arguments when he was alive, but when things go wrong - the vacuum won't work or the grass needs mowing - I do go out in the garden and have a good 'row' with him that he is not here to help! Luckily I have no near neighbours to hear me and upset!!
Big hugs to all us widows.

I rarely post on here but have always enjoyed ‘getting to know you all’ in a strange way.
FGT - your comment about the sliver of soap brought me to tears……
Sending hugs to all those who need them. 💐💐

FGT2 your comment about the soap made me cry. After COVID I said I was never going to take anything for granted again, but we soon slip back into doing just that. Your post has reminded me how it's the little things that matter. And that are so easily taken for granted. I wish you strength to bear your loss. Keep your precious memories close to your heart. I do so hope that we are reunited with our loved ones again, when our time comes. Sending you a big hug

Six months since my DH of almost 40 years passed. As you say FGT it’s the little things that hurt because they take you by surprise! I was braced for his birthday last week and the six month anniversary of his passing two weeks ago but they hit hard! Then I wrote a birthday card for our GD and automatically added his name and it completely destroyed me! I’ve avoided writing cards for that reason and instead sent text messages because no names are needed! And then my 4 year old GS asked when his grandad would get back from heaven! Every day something new sets me off. Virtual hugs to everyone out there missing the someone special in their lives 🌹

We’ve been married nearly 56 years and the thought of one of us being bereaved is almost beyond comprehension, even though I would never call us “smug marrieds,” life without each other is almost beyond comprehension. I really hope that your friends will not disappoint you FGT, although sadly some probably will. A close friend whose husband died some ten years ago experienced this a lot, some people seem to think that you’ll be fine after a few weeks/months, and if you’re not will just not contact you. I can’t imagine how you must be feeling, but sending you huge condolences.

A different context but this poem by the poet Eavan Boland just breaks my heart.

In the morning they were
both found dead.
Of cold. Of hunger. Of the toxins
of a whole history.
But her feet were held
against his breastbone.
The last heat of his flesh
was his last gift to her.

He was my soul mate. Gone just a month.

It is the little things as you say and I really feel for you FGT.
I lost my DH nearly 38 years ago (whilst pregnant with our first baby) and even now there are little things that still set me off.
I have been married to my 2nd DH for 30+ years and am dreading the day as I know how painful it will be.
I suppose all we can do is take each day as it comes and be kind to ourselves really.

FGT So very sorry for your sad loss. It's such early days for you but please be aware that the overwhelming grief does become a little less raw as time passes. There are so many of us on this site that have been through exactly the same thing and can at least offer a shoulder for you. Grief is very different for everybody and if I could offer just one piece of advice then I would say don't stress about what you or other people think you should be doing, just do whatever you feel like at the time.
Take care.

I am the same, its been 2 years, 56 years married, it still haunts me, going over and over it, thinking i could have got help quicker, etc. I still have his biscuits, crunchy nut cornflakes, bubble bath, soap, clothes, etc. I still cant believe hes gone, i expect him to walk in the door every day, it never leaves you,

These posts are very moving, they have stopped me in my tracks. I hope that comfort will find you FGT , sending heartfelt sympathy to all of you grieving.

A couple even told me that that chapter in the book is closed and that I should start building a new life !

I am so sorry this was said to you .... it beggars belief really.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I agree that it is often the little things that hit hard and quite often unexpectedly. I don't think it's wrong to have a good cry, bottleling up emotions causes more issues in the future. Be kind to yourself. X

I am reading and re-reading everyone's stories on here, and am so moved by them.

It's a cathartic moment.

It is 4 years now since my husband of 48 years died suddenly and unexpectedly.
I don't cry every night like I used to, but I think of him every day, and sometimes have cry when something just triggers me.
I understand what you are going through FGT. 💐

+FGT* I feel with you . My husband and I had good friends before he passed away .It started getting less and less . A few WhatsApp’s , phone calls . Less invitatations . A couple even told me that that chapter in the book is closed and that I should start building a new life !
I realised that after a while not many friends wanted to hear hoe much I miss my husband . There was no way anyone was going to stop me talking about him . Not about the illness but about happy memories. It made some uncomfortable , those are the ones who believe they,ll live forever !
My husband and I were a great team . He too was very thoughtful . I’m thankful for the 39 years we shared together .

You,re doing very well FGT

Exactly this Dickens. You nailed it.
It’s the small ‘unexpecteds’ that floor me more than say what would’ve been his 74th birthday earlier this week.

And Luckygirl when my husband was asked towards the end whether, in the event of a heart attack he’d want resuscitation he smiled at the doctor and said “No thank you. I can think of nothing worse than you break a couple of ribs to resuscitate me and then I wake up to I’m dying anyway with cancer. Please just let me go if that happens”.

A “Do Not Resuscitate” instruction was added to his digital notes on the Christie ward and a senior nurse said “very sensible decision” to him.

FGT2

... yes - it is so often the small things. I completely understood your reaction over the last of the make-up remover pads. It's like a bruise upon a bruise. These 'small' reminders are in some ways worse than anniversaries or other significant events - you try to mentally prepare for those. But these little things pop up out of nowhere, and you're not prepared. When you first opened the make-up pads, your DH was still with you, and he bought them... I understand why it floored you...