Bereavement wipes out everything

MooM00

I know the exact feeling of grief.
My husband took his own life 3 years ago at the age of 69. I grieve every day and consistently ask the big question WHY which can never be answered. I am riddled of guilt of not recognising any sign. What did i miss. Or thinking what I said or didn't say or should have said.

I just wanted to say that in my professional life I talked to a number of people in your situation and you do need to know that someone who has decided that their life needs to come to an end gives no sign - there is nothing that you missed I am sure. If he had determined to do this then there would have been nothing you could have said or done and he would have made sure that you did not know.

There is always guilt when someone dies, but the taking of one's own life amplifies that for the loved ones and my heart goes out to you.

I posted earlier but the gransnet gremlins disappeared it.

My husband died in 2022, six months after a stage four diagnosis. Like others have said, there was an element of relief his suffering was over but such an enormous weight of grief and loss. I’m finding it’s less raw but is now simply part of me. I’m living as well as I can. Blessed with family and friends, my dogs, living in our famiky home. I keep up as best I can with friends but socialise less
I thought I knew a bit about bereavement, lost parents, close friends and more but the loss of my husband has taught me I knew nothing

Fried green tomatoes two
I know exactly how you feel, I lost my lovely husband after 6 months of suffering with a brain tumour. Yes you feel initial relief but although you learn to carry on and try to build a new life, it is never the same one you had. I am now 1 week away from the first anniversary and although I have come a long way, I am feeling exactly how you describe. It's knowing you will never hold each other again and the physical presence that I miss the most. Life is different sadly 😥 and I miss his company most of all, having someone to share your day with. I did get a rescue dog which has helped, at least I have someone to talk to now but miss him more as time goes on.

That must be just one of the worst feelings, adding an extra dimesion to the process.

I know the exact feeling of grief.
My husband took his own life 3 years ago at the age of 69. I grieve every day and consistently ask the big question WHY which can never be answered. I am riddled of guilt of not recognising any sign. What did i miss. Or thinking what I said or didn't say or should have said.

Grief affects us all differently, doesn’t it? I certainly don’t believe “you get over” the loss of those you have loved. Well, I haven’t, anyway. I have found the rawness of the loss of those I have loved dearly has faded somewhat, but the grief itself will never fade.

FGT my sincere condolences on the passing of your DH! Credit to you for having counselling ! Good luck

We lost our 2 year old son over 30 years ago and never stop thinking about him. 6 months ago I lost my husband of 36 years. The grief is still raw but you have to begin to live your life differently. Luckily I have good family but I honestly have some days when I really can’t see the point of being here without him. Thankfully they are getting less often but the pain never leaves. To anyone else who is travelling this unwanted journey stay strong and my thoughts are with you all 🌹

MawsRosie

How do I put this gently?
I have no doubts that your intentions are the best and your kind thoughts do not go unappreciated.
But until a person has suffered the loss of someone dear to them, a life partner, a child, particularly an untimely death it is only so many words.
I am not underestimating the loss of a parent - but in many cases that is the natural order of things and one may have siblings or a partner to support them.The aloneness of losing one’s life partner is of a whole different dimension.
Much has been written on bereavement and loss, some of it helpful, some less so.
We are all different and we cannot know how we will react until it happens.
You can’t prepare for bereavement, you can’t rehearse your emotions.
The initial relief that suffering is over may help to dull the sucker punch in the solar plexus, and the waves of grief which wash over your head. But the loss remains.
There is no right way to grieve and while time can help you to cope with the immediate pain, it does not necessarily heal in the way the saying suggests. No, grief does not necessarily eventually fade away.
But thank you for sharing your thoughts.

Thank You.

There is no time limit in grief and it is not something you can snap out of.

It can take a long time just to really accept the loss of a loved on. And healing is another thing altogether .
Even if there is such a thing.

💐💔
Xxx

MawsRosie Wholeheartedly go with your post. Lost DD then 3 years later DH. Everyday there is a reminder. Everything I do is accompanied by a reminder. Yes, 4 years after loss of DH there are light moments but then a reminder. Everyone is different but grief is not a phase it becomes part of your life.

I havent got over it.
I've just learned not to keep on about it.

no it doesnt, we get over it but it NEVER goes away

Luckygirl3

For me it has not faded away. It is not front and centre of my life now, but is a background pain. I have no expectation that it will go away. I get on with my daily life of course, but when your life's partner is no longer there each day is a reminder. It cannot be otherwise.

... but is a background pain

Yes, this.

I lost my partner last August. People think I am grieving a little less, that I have come to terms with the loss and am 'getting on with life'.

Nothing could be further from the truth - I say little, just smile when they offer well-meant advice and thoughts.

Because each day is a reminder; we met in our late forties - both having previously endured abusive relationships, his physical - and we became each other's 'safe person'. So each day the full impact of what I have lost accumulates... it hurts more, not less.

Sometimes, the background pain becomes an immediate throat-choking feeling of despair, I can never again be the person I was when he was part of my life.

Unless you're grieving those still alive, then it's a daily/hourly agony forevermore. Plus everyone grieves the dead differently and everyone's circumstances are different. I can't ever imagine the pain of losing a child easing over time.

My son died as a child 42 years ago. Your grief doesn’t end/get better but endures all your life . Your life actually grows around it , you make a different life but the experience or the person is never forgotten and your life is never the same.

Losing a child particularly literally means you lose part of yourself, when I left the hospital room that day I felt as if a piece of me dropped to the floor, never to be retrieved. I am not the same person I was.

It’s not just your loss it’s your families . My grown up daughters still feel how their brothers death affected their lives , and we still miss him on significant dates and family occasions, there is always a gap.

I have made another life but it is not the one I wanted , which was for him to be in it . Time is not the magic healer some people imagine.

MawsRosie

How do I put this gently?
I have no doubts that your intentions are the best and your kind thoughts do not go unappreciated.
But until a person has suffered the loss of someone dear to them, a life partner, a child, particularly an untimely death it is only so many words.
I am not underestimating the loss of a parent - but in many cases that is the natural order of things and one may have siblings or a partner to support them.The aloneness of losing one’s life partner is of a whole different dimension.
Much has been written on bereavement and loss, some of it helpful, some less so.
We are all different and we cannot know how we will react until it happens.
You can’t prepare for bereavement, you can’t rehearse your emotions.
The initial relief that suffering is over may help to dull the sucker punch in the solar plexus, and the waves of grief which wash over your head. But the loss remains.
There is no right way to grieve and while time can help you to cope with the immediate pain, it does not necessarily heal in the way the saying suggests. No, grief does not necessarily eventually fade away.
But thank you for sharing your thoughts.

That is so very true MawsRosie. It's coming up to the 4th anniversary for me and already that extra heaviness that comes with special times has been hanging over me and I dread the actual day when everything gets re-lived over and over again, things I should have said, things I did say, things I should have done and on and on it goes. The loss of a life partner is not something that ever goes away.

Such complete sadness sending virtual hugs to you all.

I think you'll always feel heartbroken and devastated after such a long time together. I really can't imagine what it must be like. Your dear DH would be very proud of you.

Orphaned suddenly at 16 I thought I understood grief, but navigating life without DH after nearly 60 years together is a different world, one which four years down the road is still surprising me. I am still poleaxed by unexpected memories and every day am aware of the gap in my life. None of this is what other people want to share, and I soldier on and hope that somewhere in the ether DH is proud of me.

I feel that people put a time limit on grief - 'she should be over it by now'. Some people are just irreplaceable and life is never the same again. Sometimes I feel as I've died but just going through the motions of living.

Sorry to be all doom and gloom but it really is a comfort to know that other people feel the same way. We all put on a front and it's nice to drop it sometimes.

Coffeedrinkingthinker

As grief is so personal I regret ever mentioning the sea of grief that people hold within.
I really didnt mean to offend you.
But I am clearly different to you all.
And thats O.K.
We are all different in some way .

I wasn't at all offended by your post. Yes, everyone is different.

I've lost my parents, sisters, a sil, and 4 children. I cope, not particularly well, by praying. 'Light at the end of the tunnel' is Heaven, IMO.

Coffeedrinkingthinker

As grief is so personal I regret ever mentioning the sea of grief that people hold within.
I really didnt mean to offend you.
But I am clearly different to you all.
And thats O.K.
We are all different in some way .

You didn’t offend me either and I genuinely thought and still believe you were coming from a place of grief and with an good open heart

barmcake and Sue So sorry. Yes barmcake it leaves you numb. I cry at very little now.

Sorry to hear you're going through this. Personally I've found help lines etc. useless. I know there are group where you can discuss grief openly, maybe this would help. Might sound daft but do you cry? I just can't cry even though I want to.