Bereavement wipes out everything

Perhaps that's the first tiny bit precious thread of gold?
You may have helped someone

MT62 your emotional support is much appreciated i imagine your tears are very much for your loved ones inspired by emotional overload which i find can and does build up reading the volume of posts brimming with sadness, you may well cry easier now you have opened the floodgates, take care xxx

I'm sure one or two of those tears are for your sister and dad, as well as for Mystyeyes11, even if you don't think they are.
I can cry over anything these days but I never could before....

It’s strange, I am lying here in tears reading your posts. Yet I have barely shed a tear for my dad, or my sister.
I loved the bones of them both but I have this emotional blockage in my chest & just can’t get the tears to flow.
😞🫂

I'm so sorry your family is fractured, Mystyeyes11

The last thing you need

xxxx

Have you heard of kintsugi (I think that's what its called)
Its the art of fixing broken, fragile items by running threads of pure gold into the cracks and breaks.
It then becomes stronger, more unique, and more beautiful as a result.

That will be you, eventually, not now - its too soon, but in who knows what time... i used to sometimes feel that if i stopped grieving it was somehow betraying my girl.
Not exactly betraying, but accepting the unacceptable.

Is that how you feel?
I now realise that the grieving is aways there; it won't go away, ever, but that's something people have to come to terms with for themselves.

The thought of that sounds wonderful but right now i am under storm clouds with people bullying my way of grieving
Turning it into a competition how can 1 family fight this way and why oh why in totally bereftshedding tears like a tree shedsi its leavesfor gods sake he was my husband surely i have some right to how i grieve for the love of my life o loved him for 57 years unconditionally before he passed andd love him still.im worn out with it all we wwre always together why did he not take me on his last journey with him im broke xxx

Mystyeyes11 I think you could have "found your tribe" in the posters on this thread.
They have so much experience and understanding of what you too are very sadly having to live through. Let them support you, trust and believe in what they say.
The sun will shine again for you one day xx

Whiffy's a wonder woman.

Morning Whiff may I say your posts have a way of inspiring me when im really low. Im new to this world of only being a half and most of the time I really struggle with it. I had 57 years with my wonderful man I was very blessed, I have just reached the 18th week of being a half i am distraught cant find how to keep going other than a minute at a time. My heads a muddle my whole body aches like its been clamped in a vice all those weeks since I lost him, im learning the meaning of your expression of bone crushing grief. Your experiences have put your life through the mill and you still find the strength to keep going. At the moment I dont feel i can make 22 weeks let alone 22 years. Sadly my DH passing has caused rifts in the family of which seem unsurmountable, instead of supporting each other they are ripping each other apart, I am glad my DH isnt witnessing all this at this point i didnt just lose my DH but a whole family at a time when we should be holding the ends together. O wish I could summon up the strength to hang onto all these loose ends and pull them back together. Keep posting Whiff as your "rambles," are helping me to try and get a foothold. A big hug to everyone in this quagmire of grief and uncertainty xxxx

As everyone has said grief hurts everyday and it never ends . But as I have said you can't grieve unless you have loved and loved in return . I would rather have this grief daily than never know the love we shared. As we all know married life isn't easy and if you have children it gets harder. But you bring your children up to be adults then let them fly and live their own lives. I still did that as I had to and to be honest had enough on my plate looking after my parents and mother in law. When the children where home I thought I had to be brave for them . They were coping with their grief. I would never say I understood and I know my daughter still misses her dad very much . And she feels responsible for me but like I tell her I can look after myself . From when the children left home to when I moved to live closer to them I had 13 years with no back up. On call 24/7 those who had parents or older relatives you understand when they needed you ,you went no matter the time. My children never know how bad things got and never will.

If those who don't know me my son decided via email 6 years ago 4 days after my birthday to estranged me but not just me but all what is left of our side of the family. Last time I saw his 2 eldest they where 4&2 ,their brother was due in July 2020 don't know his name or date of birth but I wish him happy birthday to the air on his due date I have given him a name as I can't think of him without one.

I am lonely but only for my husband. I found I liked living on my own . At first I thought how will I get through the next 30 years along and it frightened me . But its been 22 years and getting through everyday.

My life was put on hold until I moved here had no life I existed and the house wasn't home my husband was home. Those looking after older relatives or younger ones who need you will understand that. Looking back I don't know how I did it all . But being widowed at 45 younger than many not all on here. I was brought up just to get on with things and you looked after family. I could have estranged my mother in law as I hated that woman for 40 years but I couldn't do that she was family.

I have had mobility problems and constant pain my whole life as I was born disabled. But I was never treated as different. My dad said no such word as can't if I said can not he would give me a look. Said before I grew up with a large extended family and friends . Only when I went to high school I realised I was different and bullied for 5 years.

I vowed I would never be bullied again nor let any children we had be bullied. I told our children if anyone hit,kicked or did anything to them then they do exactly the same to them but harder . And they did.

Grieving and havjng health problems and or mobility problems is hard but there are ways top cope and do what you want. But it takes time especially if you have been married a long time and still counting your grief in hours, days, weeks ,months and early years . I did all that . I hated 1.27pm every Friday for years as that was the time my husband died. Took years to stop clock watching then one Friday I didn't realise I didn't notice the time.

Being disabled from birth meant things where harder but I still did and do to this day things my way . I have never used my disability to stop doing things . My husband saw me not my disability. Also I only found out through having my blood genetically tested that at the age of 63 what I was born with and its a rare hereditary neurological condition. Have visible and invisible disabilities.

But if you have been active and having health and mobility issues later in life is harder especially without the love and support of the other half of yourself. It makes the grief harder.
But I have found disability doesn't mean incapable you have to be inventive and use things in a different way to achieve what you want.

But grieve can and does make you feel you don't or can't do things. But you can't it just takes time. When the other half of you dues I found I was lost and people viewed you differently . But you are the same person under your grief. Especially after the funeral you know who really cares about you as people disappear from your life . Still remember thinking did they only put up with me because of my husband which made me feel worse . Some will understand that feeling.

My husband was a wiseman and knew what I needed to live to live without him and that was a series of promises which I have kept. But we knew he wouldn't live 5 years . I watched him dieing bit by bit everyday once terminal we knew we had months not years. But he had to die there was nothing to help him live. Those who faced saddened death or only knew months or weeks in advanced I have no idea how you cope and wouldn't insult you by saying I understand that. You are in shock plus grief 2 things that shouldn't be mixed together.
As always I ramble on and never know if I make sense . But I would never want anyone to thing they are alone.

No one can walk in your shoes. This has to happen to you for you to realise. There can be good days or bad days where the feelings just rush in and swamp you. Small things can spark it off whether you will it or not. Eventually you can learn to live with it but you never get over it. After my son died the one thing that helped me through was raising money for the charity which supports others with his illness. It gave me permission to take part in the world again and have meaning in my life.

He sounds like a lovely man.
A real gem.

Thankyou i will try it , i am tired beds a luxury these days too much vacant space ot as warm and inviting as it once was when my DH warmed it for me first xxx

Torment the cat for half an hour.
That's the spirit!,
We used to just put a paper bag on the floor and watch him start zooming around the room like a maniac once he'd climbed inside.

I'm sorry today has been such a hard one for you.
Hoping for a little break for you, as you must be exhausted.

I wake crying every morning lasts almost till lunchtime, i try not to cry in the afternoon but get days when the tears just take over. Today was really bad sobbed uncontrollably this afternoon to point i was shaking i text a neighbour for help she stayed with me till i calmed down not been that bad before with shaking. I could try that idea the crying seems to be getting worse. Thankyou for that xxx

Or, you could play with the cat for half an hour.
If the cat isn't keen, just sit and have a cuddle with him/her.
It's very calming, I think even proven to be so.

Can I make a suggestion?
Do you think you might be able to go an hour without crying, or even half an hour?

Is there a tv programme you used to enjoy?

Maybe you could try to sit for thst little amount of time, without crying, and try to watch the programme? (Even if you're not really the slightest bit interested)

Some people schedule in a slot to cry each day, but maybe, for you, a slot where you try not to cry might be easier

Im bewildered. Confused. Tearful muddled nothing is making any sense to me keep thinking hes sat across from me then i look thru the deluge of tears and hes not and i realise he will never ever be sat there again ever and my tears turn to sobbing, wailing mess of emotion. I doubt my tears will ever stop. I dont want this new life there was nothing wrong with the one i had. I just want him back in so lonely without him, i talk to him but no answer comes the firm reply at least the cat does me the courtersy of a weak sounding meow i so want to be with him he was and is my world now all i have is empty space xxx

automatic ......

Doodle

Mystyyes my apologies I’ve just read on another thread that mobility issues prevent you from going out alone. That would curtail a lot of what I’ve said and does make things harder for you.
Are there any day centres near you because sometimes they will collect you and take you there. Do you drive? Can you go somewhere with local busses? I have a friend who uses a wheelchair and she comes to our art class every week. If you can afford a taxi to something local please try it.
X

Unless you have mobility (or other issues) that severely limit your ability to be independent, to go out on your own I appreciate it's impossible to really imagine what it's like. IME it truly impacts on any coping strategies for your grief that other able people might be able to adopt.The world out there is not disability friendly but I guess that's a whole other thread. But suffice it to say that if I had a magic wand, I'd start with the state of the pavements, lack of dropped kerbs and lack of atomic opening doors.

Very good advice Doodle and kindly meant. Grief is debilitating. It’s messy and just plain hard. But (and I say this respectfully) dwelling on thoughts can easily turn into wallowing. I’m not quite 4 months into widowhood. I miss Himself so much it hurts. But one has to try to help oneself. As best as.

Mystyyes my apologies I’ve just read on another thread that mobility issues prevent you from going out alone. That would curtail a lot of what I’ve said and does make things harder for you.
Are there any day centres near you because sometimes they will collect you and take you there. Do you drive? Can you go somewhere with local busses? I have a friend who uses a wheelchair and she comes to our art class every week. If you can afford a taxi to something local please try it.
X

Mystyeyes we do understand. I thought I was going mad after DH died. I would walk round my lounge wailing and sobbing (don’t know what the neighbours thought) . I was scared for myself. No suicidal thoughts because I love my family so much but like you, how can I gon on like this. Is this what is left of my life now. I used to literally shake all the time. I couldn’t hold my hands still. No matter what I was doing I was thinking of DH and I still am.

I’m fortunate in having, what has turned out to be, a very caring friend. We went out one Saturday into our local town. I was so stressed I was pretending I was ok when all the time I was thinking is this my life now. Is this what I’m reduced to. Walking round a miserable town with most of its shops shut. No interest in buying anything because what did I need now. No need of new clothes or shoes. No interest in food. What was I doing here just wondering round. Then I came across a small area sectioned off where a local rescue home was collecting money for retired animals. They had some donkeys there and one came up to me and I stroked it and felt a smile come upon my face. My friend with me said my face lit up for a while just stroking this gentle creature. It was a start.

People said “he wouldn’t want you to be sad” as if that would stop it happening. Think of all the years you’ve had together …but I wanted more.

I didn’t think there was anyone on earth who felt as bad and sad as me. I had no idea how I could go on another day. I (along with many others here) know how you feel.

If I can offer some gentle advice, find something to occupy your days. Even if it’s something you don’t really enjoy you’d be surprised how after a while things can look a bit brighter,
If mornings are worst, go out. Join things. Walking groups, flower arranging, tai chi, art, something, anything where you can meet people and talk. Look for things on the internet. Maybe there’s a talking tables group nearby where people just go who are lonely to chat. Knit and natter groups, even if you don’t knit someone will teach you.

Sorry I’m going on a bit but I do want to help you. The grief will never go. I think of my beloved all day long. He’s in my mind no matter what I’m doing. The tears still come and I’m still so lonely but I have made a lot of friends. It’s not easy but you need to try. Have a go at counselling and don’t dismiss it out of hand. You might find some counselling groups that meet for coffee. Just give it a try and know that there are many here who care. Big hug.

Another day of many tears been awake all night weeping for my DH i dread each minute of the day my tears are never ending just dont stop. I miss him so very much, my DH was so wonderful even breathing hurts im crying constantly feel like i just cant go on without him each day worse than the one before why am i even bothering to get up theres no reason to without him, like so many people on here he was myworld, my life my very reason for being if i could just hold his hand once morehe could show me the way forward. Holding his hand or a hug from him used to make everything right he had a magic touch that put the world to rights. I miss you so much my DH so very much. To all on this journey take care xxxc