My sister's husband is dying of cancer

Talk about happy memories. Photo albums work. Also get a Spotify list up of music he likes.

From the little I know.. being there and holding hand or whatever gesture is appropriate.. a hug if possible I think canadiangran got it right. It’s to show you care and you will miss him and that you are very sad that he is going. How you convey that is in the hands of the gods. Good luck. Perhaps thank him for all he has given to your life. Show respect and love the best you can. See it as an honour that you can say goodbye and not just go to his funeral. It’s very very hard. You are right to be fearful it’s the most awesome thing we can do.

I hope you cope ok. I visited my sisters husband several times before he passes. On the last occasion he obviously senced the end was very near. He made a point of saying it was my sister he was worrying about. I assured him she was a strong lady, and between us, we would make sure she was OK.
It seemed to settle him. Other than that we talked about other friends who were visiting reminiscing a couple of funny, happy events. He tired easily so not a long visit

"What are the things that matter to you now? Is there anything I can help with?"

Some top class advice from Other Posters about on how to handle this
very sad situation.

My thoughts are with you.

💗💐🙏
Xxx

If appropriate, you could mention shared memories, special events you enjoyed together. You could talk of his place in your family, things for which he will be missed, and that you will do your best to be a support to his wife. You could ask him if there is anything you can do for him now or after his death. But really just being there is enough.

So sorry to hear this. I for one have no words just sending you my love.

My best friend knows she may not be here very much longer The doctors have told her there’s no more treatment and she told them she agrees and doesn’t want any more.
So the nest time she is taken into hospital she will simply go for a comfortable and peaceful death
We still have great laughs she has a wicked sense of humour and we even laugh about some of the ‘medical matters’
She’s a tonic and very much braver than me

How can anyone ever know 'what is right' without asking?
Say hi X how are you doing? And what shall we talk about today? You'll be guided.
I hope all goes well

I know it is awkward. When I visited my brother in law in the days before his death, I just said how sorry I was that he was going through this. Then we had a general chat about nothing in particular, but when I left I gave him a kiss, told him I loved him. He knew what I meant without actually saying goodbye.

It really does depend on your relationship with him. If you have the chance, and if he is willing to hear it, let him know how important he is to you.

I hope it all went as well as it could do last night x

When my brother was in this situation a couple of years ago, I made him a cup of coffee and just let him say what he wanted to say. It was a very sad but special half an hour for both of us.

My sister's husband (both long gone) did not want any visitors and I found this very difficult to accept. Your BiL is accepting visits, treat like any other visit, speak of sunjects you know would be of interest eg how his football team is doing, what you have been up to, just normal events. He may well have his own agenda for your visit, you really just need to let him know you are there and see how he reacts. So sad.

I recently went to visit a friend who is now under palliative care. We hadn't seen each other for years and I was a bit apprehensive.

I needn't have been. She was as I remember her (though a lot thinner) and I acted as I normally do. We swapped horror stories over chemo. It was her husband who was close to tears.

It was a lovely visit and I'm so glad I saw her. She lives quite a distance from me, but I hope to see her again in the future.

How did your visit go, Lemonjelly?

I think it is one of those situations where you go along with whatever the person wants to talk about. When my mother was dying, she went into what I call "magical thinking" and would make future plans with one and all. We fantasised about holidays, seeing family and others, we had laughs, and also tears.

We did also have the opportunity as mumofmadboys expresses above, to say our goodbyes. She knew she was dying. She was still indulging in day-dreaming and having fun, up until the very end.

I sat with a friend recently close to death. She was very upfront about it. I told her how much I would miss her and we both cried together. It was a moving, unforgettable moment.

Lemonjelly you don't have to say anything just seeing him will be enough . Treat him as you always have not as a dieing man but somehow you care very much about and love .

My husband cut people out of our life when he was terminal because they treated him as different. We always knew he wouldn't live 5 years after the cancer was removed and skin graft. As far as everyone was concerned he was going to be fine . Only me and our children knew differently. In his words he didn't want to be treated as a dead man walking . I watched my husband dieing for 3 years but he had to die . He died 4 days after his 47th birthday in agony unable to breath on full oxygen. I had to tell him to stop and we would be ok . But there is never an okay.

Just be lead by what your brother in law needs . He may ask you to look after your sister if he does only promise if you really mean it.
My husband was a a wiseman and gave me a list of promises to keep I have kept everyone for 22 years.

Your brother in law may want to say goodbye and not want to see you again . Don't take it as a reject he knows how much you care and it's his way of saying goodbye.

I know you posted yesterday if anything I have said is correct know he will only want to spare you from hurting more .

My husband was given 5 weeks at the end but he didn't have 5 weeks he died 3 days later instead.

By going you can't mess up. See him as you always have, your sister's husband, he's still the same person.

A friends husband just wanted to be ‘normal’. He talked about the same things he always had. He sent his wife, my friend, out with me for a walk and just chatted with Mr C as energy allowed. When his eyes closed Mr C sat with him, they picked up where they left off as he regained a little strength. As others have said, be guided by your brother in law and don’t be afraid to ask if he’d like you to leave if he seems exhausted. He’s still the person you have always known, trust your instinct and you’ll find a way.

My f-i-L was worried about how his wife would cope, he said, "I've had my life, I don't mind going" but he wanted to be reassured that his nearest & dearest would be supported with the practical things that he'd always done.

Everyone's different, but he might find it reassuring (if the conversation is stilted) if you gave him assurances about how close you are to your sister & you'll always be there for her.
or a beloved pet or garden - reassure him as far as you're able that others will continue caring when he can't.

It’s all so sad.

If he’s had other family members during the day he’ll be exhausted.

My husband liked the hospice at home man who came and just watched football with him.

Don’t feel you have to stay very long. We found it a bit amusing in an odd sort of way that people overstayed because they didn’t know how to make an exit.

Just say " I want to help you all but I just don't know how"

and wait to see how he responds. Take your lead from him.
You don't have to talk, it's fine to just sit quiet together.

You managing to go there is good support to both of them.
You can be honest and say 'I have no words, just want to be with you.'
Good suggestions upthread.
You won't mess up.

Be as ordinary, as normal as possible, be led by him and if he wants to talk about his death listen and stay with the conversation, if he’s avoiding it and talking about everyday happenings go with that. He may want to ask you to look after his wife or do this or that for him, reassure him you will, he may want comfort or he may just want to feel normal for a few more days Give him your strength whichever way it’s needed