Really struggling after loosing my DH

Thanks again for all your kind wishes and especially to Whiff. You have obviously been through so much at a much younger age and you have taken the time to really express how you were able to cope. I am so grateful to everyone who is taking the time to share their own thoughts it really is helping us me so much. My very very best wishes to you all.

sankev what people don't realise when the other half of you dies. It hurts emotionally but also physically. It's like walking through treacle one step forward and pulled 2 back . I say the first 10 years is early grief. For you 3 months is very short . You are not only having to cope with your grief but all the paperwork that comes with death. In an instant you go from being a couple to being single . All the decisions fall on you . Yes you can ask family and friends for advice but at the end of the day it's down to you .

I slept cuddling a toy snowman for 8 months my husband won at the GP surgery raffle then he won a big hamper at the cancer ward one . He said finally I get lucky but am dieing .

I know how hard it is to face having a wash ,brushing your teeth and hair you think why bother . But you have to force yourself to do it . My husband was a wiseman and made me keep a series of promises. But couldn't do the main one until I moved here 6.5 years ago and that's live the best life you can . Only took me 15 years to do that and live my life to the full now.

Just do what needs to be done . Turn a blind eye to housework . But make sure you eat and drink . You may lose weight I call it grief weight lost . I lost 3 stones but put it back on . Mom lost 3 st when dad died but didn't put it back on . But I was widowed at 45 mom 80.

I will have been widowed 22 years in February the length of time we where married . But together 29 years.

I still hate the empty side of the bed. In the early years I could tell if I had a bad night as I woke on his side of the bed. Getting and staying asleep was hard and it wasn't until I moved here I slept.

Some people will disappear from your life that's when you find out who your true friends and family are . Some people may be cruel and say things like are you better as if being a widow is an illness . Some women will get act as if you are after their husbands. All things that happened to me .

But we are the lucky ones we found the other half of overselves and they us . The only person who knew the real you and you them . I am lonely but not because I live alone but I am lonely for my husband. I like living on my own . But I had the children at home for 2 years after their dad died before they left . I wanted them to go they had to live their own lives .

The moment my husband took his last breath our home became just a house . It wasn't until I moved I got a home again .

I talk to my husband everyday but I have shouted ,swore at him and blamed him for dieing which I know sounds awful but it's what I need. I then see him with that stupid grin on his face as if to say feel better now and I do. If you want to scream ,shout hit a pillow do it .

I know the pain of crying so much your eyes sting and your chest hurts but we all do it . Everyone goes through the stages of grief at different times and when the rage and anger comes don't fight it . After all these years the rage and anger over my husband dieing keeps me going everyday.

And before anyone says let go . No we all use what we need to live with this bone crushing grief . My grief gets worse as the years go by but you learn to cope but it can take months or years .

sankev do what feels right to you talk to your husband out loud . You say writing down your thoughts helps you and that's good ..I wrote a poem about grief but it got lost in my move but I didn't need it anymore . If your husband wore something that smelt shower fresh , after shave etc perhaps a smelly will help you . My husband didn't wear anything that smelt but his pillows smelt of him for months and I had a coat in the wardrobe that smelt of him in plastic which I kept until I moved . But hadn't need to smell it fir years so was a surprise it was growing mould . Hopefully that has made you smile .

That's another thing if things made you smile or laugh don't fight it . You need it . When I can't do things like open a lid etc I think what would my husband do .

Grief is not for sissies. It's hard but without love we wouldn't grieve . I am so glad I was loved and loved in return and gladly pay the price for that love . My knight in slightly tarnished armour that not matter how ill I got or my disability got worse nothing ever phased him . My one and only true love . Christmas was his favourite time of the year so I made a pact with myself I could be sad and cry on Christmas eve but never Christmas day and I have stuck to it.

You have a lot of firsts to come but I found seconds etc are just as bad .

Do what feels right for you and if you want to be alone tell people . But know you are not alone . 🌹

You will get through it sankev, there will come a day when the pain shifts a little and grief seems a bit easier to deal with.

Very good advice about keeping occupied with a new craft, work was my salvation in a way as it took up my head but I remember driving home, alone & private in my car, and screaming, raging at the loss of him, letting out the emotions we naturally feel we have to keep from other's so we don't give them more distress.

And writing down my grief really helped me too as you have discovered.

As all posters say, it takes time and we all deal with it in different ways.

God bless you and your lovely family especially at this most emotive time of year

I am so sorry for your loss sankev and can't begin to imagine what you're going through but just wanted to send you my love x

Such good advice and kindness. Try and eat easy meals. Porridge, banana on toast, beans and cheese on toast. Easy and warming.
Be kind to yourself as you would be to a friend. The plans for quilting sound such a good idea. Hands kept busy.

Christmas will come and go. Take it day by day. There must be many on Gransnet who are in a similar position and will be comforted by the replies to your post Sankev.

It's so recent for you sankev.
5 years for me. You never get over the loss but you do get used to it.

The early days were the worst when I kept expecting him to walk in the door and he didn't.

I do cry, I'm crying now, but I have got on with my life.

My friends and gransnet have helped me.

Speak to an empathetic doctor about grief counselling.

Sending ❤️

Agreed 👍💯

I’m so sorry for your loss. What you’re feeling is a very normal response to deep grief, especially so soon after losing your husband. You are not weak or failing you are grieving.
My advice is to be very gentle with yourself. Lower expectations, rest when you can, and allow yourself quiet time without guilt. Accept help from others, even if you don’t feel like engaging. Try not to force yourself to “feel better” healing comes slowly. You don’t have to carry this alone, and this pain will not always feel this heavy. 🤍

Karmalady seems to be a very sensible lady and I have definitely taken on board her suggestions. I actually wrote a short list last night as suggested and listened to the radio in bed! I’ve always wanted to do quilting and so today I’m going to do some research and perhaps try my hand at that. After beginning this post I found just writing down my thoughts helped and I now have note book beside me and I’m using that to get my thoughts out of my head if that makes sense! Many thanks for your kind wishes.

I agree with Karmalady, at night think of just one thing to accomplish the next day. If you enjoy music turn the radio on at night, try radio 3 unwind or perhaps you need voices so radio 5 or an audiobook. You will get through this bit, thinking of you and wishing you all the best.

Having not been through the same, I don’t have anything helpful to add, so I’m just sending my most heartfelt sympathy and 💐xx.

Such good advice from those who have lost their love ones.

Sending you a hug and flowers. 💐

I have found all the replies so heartening so thank you all so much for taking the time to reply. I’m actually sobbing as I read the comments but they are all very much appreciated. Sometimes I find just writing this post is quite cathartic. My family are brilliant. They are hurting too and all are going through the motions again for my younger grandchildren but obviously not the same type of pain as loosing my lovely husband of 40 years. My lovely sister has been my biggest confidant but unfortunately she is retiring to the sea side after Christmas which is 3 hours away. Obviously she will still be on the end of the phone but I will miss her terribly. Again thank you all. It has helped and some good advice.

I’m so sorry for your loss. Please don’t expect too much of yourself. Let your grief take you where it will for now and try to find enjoyment in small things, and in your family because they are grieving too. You will bring each other through this awful time together. At the moment, there will seem no way forward, but eventually you’ll begin to see chances to reshape your life. It won’t be a life without him, just a different life with him because he will always be a part of you.
I lost my husband nearly four years ago and I miss him every single day, but the grief is no longer raw - you become reconciled to it and learn to deal with it differently. Be kind to yourself - and please eat, even if just little and often.

I am so sorry that you are having such a miserable struggle with your grief. You are lucky to have a caring family but I am sure it does not make your grief less painful. Perhaps it would help if you could let the adult members of your family see a little bit of whats going on behind your brave face.

Christmas might be a bit of an ordeal for you this year but just hang on to the fact that your DH would not want you to be so unhappy.

Things do get easier, one step at a time. Heres a virtual Christmas hug from me. ( )

Long and happy life, not ‘if’!

Wonderful post from Karmalady. Even five years after the death of my adored husband, I found it a comfort, so thank you.
Sankev, I truly do know how you feel. People will tell you that you will get over it, and to some extent, you will. One day at a time, things will ease. You will never be, or feel, the same again, but the secret is to make the best you can out of the life you now have, even if it’s not what you wanted or planned. The way I look at it is, I will never again be truly happy, certainly nowhere near as happy as before, but I have a life and I must make the most of it. That’s what my husband would want for me. I am grateful that, unlike some, we had a long and happy if together, clocking up nearly 60 years together. I was very blessed.

Christmas could have been very difficult but I bought myself a present to myself, which I knew would keep me busy all through that first winter. A spinning wheel kit and it did take me months to build, so satisfying and Christmas came and went and so did my birthday and I use that wheel, still and that was ten years ago

Take your time. Grief is different for everyone and the best you can do is take it one day at a time. Remember every journey begins with a single step and yours is a painful one at the moment but it will get easier believe me.
Christmas is the hardest time to be dealing with sorrow so remember it’s your grief so it’s your strength that will get you through it no matter how long it takes.
Set yourself some milestones that have nothing to do with your past life like making changes to your garden if you one or joining a group activity. Even some new clothes as spring approaches could be cheering.
Sending you a virtual hug and best wishes.

Sankev please consider some bereavement counselling you will be able to talk about your lovely man as much as you want with someone trained to listened and accept your grief as a normal part of loss
I do wish you gentle healing it will take longer than a few months you will never be complete again but life will be worth living and you will heal
🤗

First: eat properly, I put everything in my rice cooker, at once rice, veg and fish on top. No way could I be bothered with proper cooking but eating properly is so important, especially right now OP

Second: make a short list before you go to bed, some things that you need to do eg some paperwork, dusting, washing. Just something to get up for in the morning

It helped that my little dgc asked questions, the questions that older people hush and of course I answered them. It took a few things out of my head by doing this

I spent time listening to very calming music, mantras by Snatam Kaur. It stopped me over thinking and allowed me to just gaze out of the window

I knew I had started healing when the pounding of my heart in my ears stopped, cortisol the stress hormone was reducing and that gave me hope

I took myself out for short walks by trees and absorbed the healing energies

Little by little I healed myself, always knowing that this is what my DH would have wanted

My DH died very suddenly, while cycling and a policeman came to tell me.

There are many stages to go through, I was very busy doing probate etc but once that was over, I needed to find some older widows to ask if it gets better. I found them on a bus ride and they said that we learn to live with it

My final stage came when I felt able to move to my own home to make my own nest and to be positive with my own life

That's awful for you, and I'm so sorry you are going through this. Just before Christmas is about the worst time and it's no wonder you are feeling so much grief right now.

Your family will help you to get through the worst of it all.

Don't try to 'enjoy yourself ' just because if the time of year. Be very kind to yourself.

Sending love to you. xx

Oh my love , I'm so sorry for your loss . This grief you're feeling is normal and especially heightened because of Christmas . Talk about him to your friends and family , talk to him as you go about your day . 3 months is no time to get over your loved one . Keep busy and look for the joy . Remember the joy and let those tears out . It will get easier in time but it's too soon to expect to just bounce back . I send you prayers and a huge hug . Bless you .

I haven’t been through what you’re going through but at this time of the year it will feel even more raw. Could you perhaps speak to your doctor even if it was just to get you something to help you to sleep? I am so sorry for your loss.