“You don’t just lose someone once”

I remember, when training in bereavement counselling, we had to remember some item we had lost, to illustrate that very point. Being long ago, before mobile phones, I chose my diary/address book, so, of course there have, even now, been many times when I’ve remembered that exercise, and missed that address book.
I have also found out that it does indeed apply to losing people too, as the grief can appear any time.

I think you are strong Whiff. Very strong.

Kate1949 I never thought I was strong even though my husband always told me I was and how proud he was with everything I had to cope with.

But after he died I had to be strong for everyone else. It was only years later I realised my husband was right . We are stronger than we think because we fight everyday to keep going . Whatever life throws at us we keep going . Those who husband or partner has died we lose half of ourselves well that's how I feel and haven't been whole since my husband took his last breath. My present and future died with him . And making a new present and future is hard ,especially the more years you have been a couple . I hate being classed as single as to me I am still married and still Mrs .

You go from being us to you . I talk about my husband and hate when I have to say late as he was never late for anything in his life ,apart from his funeral. The funeral ahead of us over ran at the crem I looked at the kids and said dad would hate this and we laughed . Which sounds awful but we didn't want to cry at his funeral we had an unspoken pact . It's a good job because of the amount of people who came and to say thank you to. My husband would have thought it was funny as we had Mr Blue Sky by ELO to leave the crem and it was pouring with rain . We had non religious service and the funeral director read the eulogy,no flowers or wake . We did ask if people wanted to give a donation we got just over £5,000 which we took to the cancer ward that threated him but it was for treats for patients. If someone want a bottle of spirit,chocolates ,fan etc then the money was to be used for that .

All who write on the bereavement threads are strong as it takes courage to write how you really feel and know you are not alone feeling the way you do. Saying things you can't to family or close friends . But I have found if I don't write down how I feel then the things just whirl in my mind . That's why I ramble so much 😁

Whiff. 'Behind every strong person is a story that gave them no choice'. Oh how true. I've never understood the word 'strong' in relation to people. People have called me 'strong' or said 'I don't know how you coped with this or that'. What choice did I have?

lafergar for me to cope with my grief and health problems I always find a positive from a negative.. It's how my life works and been doing it since I was in my teens . It's how I coped being bullied at high school . And how I have coped when my health got worse when I was 29 and them later when my husband died. And all who I have looked after since .

I was born disabled and I have found mixing with other disabled people they to find a positive from a negative can be something like a pretty flower or cloud anything really. I would hate to live a negative life . But my way works for me. It's how I have gotten thought the last 21 years without my husband. I am not a wow is me person . Bone crushing grief still overwhelms me at times but I don't fight it and let the tears flow and if I have a rant at my husband I always see him with his stupid grin as if to say feel better now and I do.

There are many griefs I have found not just grieving for the dead, estrangement is a living grief , when dementia killed my mom before her body died I grieved for her then, grief over loss of health your own or someone you love ,grief for a much loved pet no matter what sort of animal it is , grief for loss a way of life especially if you have money worries. Bet people can think of other things .

This isn't anything I haven't said before on this forum or other ones . And I know I repeat myself as I forget things I have said but I never lie simple fact I would remember it. I treat people how I want to be treated . I can be nasty if I want but to me it's a waste of energy. Even if I have to complain about anything I do it nicely as the person you speak isn't usually the person who has caused the problem in the first place . Especially if it to do with large companies.

Everyone has a way to cope which is unique to them doesn't matter what it is as long as it helps them .

I don't think we can control our grief, perhaps learn to live along side it.

The cult of relentless positivity is not always helpful.

“The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
Moves on: nor all thy Piety nor Wit
Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,
Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it.”

I am so sorry that I lost my temper with Caleo on here. It was unkind and unmannerly and I have felt heartsick about it since.

I read this yesterday. Have posted it on another thread as well as it applies there as well.

'Behind every strong person is a story that gave them no choice '

I think it applies you everyone who has had someone die especially if a child ,spouse or partner.

I don’t believe that grief goes away, but the space it takes in my life lessens as I grow and I fill my life differently. I will not be diminished by or defined by grief. DH would hate that.

“I suppose some personalities cope better than others with bereavement and loss. I'd rather be a personality that can feel lifelong if need be. I can also limit my grieving so I don't neglect other activities, but I would not want to be unable to grieve.”

I am truly struggling to get my head around this and it’s making me so angry that I have to say this. Are you saying that some people who appear to be coping with their grief are not, like you, going to feel that loss for their entire lives? It’s not an either/or - either you carry that grief around with you like an albatross round your neck (unless you have “other activities” when you can “limit” it) or you are an unfeeling automaton who is “unable to grieve”? Grieving is not an emotion you can “limit” or control no matter how well you appear to be dealing with it, and I think I deal with it very well - until it kicks the legs out from under me and leaves me howling on the floor, and I know it will do that for the rest of my life, but I have to live my life - for myself and for others. You can’t compartmentalise it! I don’t think there is anyone who has posted on here who will not grieve a partner or a husband or a family member for the rest of their lives, no matter what you suppose to be their “personality”. I’m sorry but I think your post is crass.

Rosieand her Maw, you are right!

I suppose some personalities cope better than others with bereavement and loss. I'd rather be a personality that can feel lifleong if need be. I can also limit my grieving so I don't neglect other activities, but I would not want to be unable to grieve.

Cabbie21

It helps me to look at the positives of my situation, rather than dwell on the negatives.

DH is no longer in pain or struggling with his many health issues.
My adult children are now much closer to me and very supportive and helpful.
My house is now much easier for me to live in.
I have more choices in my life.

It doesn’t mean that I don’t miss him or am not suddenly overcome with grief, often unexpectedly, but it makes moving forward possible in a positive way, most days. I hope this helps.

Same here, I don`t like negative, energy-sucking thoughts

My husband would not have coped well as a widower, so I am glad he went first and that it was sudden and doing a sport that he loved. Yes, life is very different now but coping with this different life is a lovely and fitting memorial and he would have been glad

You never really get over the death of a loved one.
I was staying in a lovely country inn over the weekend and had my evening meal there. I looked around and everyone else was a couple. The chair opposite me was empty. Yes the sadness does come back over and over again
It is many years now since DH died and although I have accepted my situation and am contented now I still have my moments.
I know other widows who still become tearful if their first DH is mentioned even after years and they are happily remarried

Cabbie I could have written your post - especially the last paragraph.

It helps me to look at the positives of my situation, rather than dwell on the negatives.

DH is no longer in pain or struggling with his many health issues.
My adult children are now much closer to me and very supportive and helpful.
My house is now much easier for me to live in.
I have more choices in my life.

It doesn’t mean that I don’t miss him or am not suddenly overcome with grief, often unexpectedly, but it makes moving forward possible in a positive way, most days. I hope this helps.

Lovely poem Rosie and the one off Greyduster, when I read them I cry because it sums it up.
I have lost a lot of people whilst they were young, my mother when I was 30 and she in her fifties, I think of her all the time so much I should have said to her. However, losing your husband, your sole mate, you lose half yourself, it was like sleepwalking through first few years. He knew he was everything to me and until his last breath told me to be happy and travel so I did, he was and is always in my heart. Further heartbreak when my beloved daughter estranged me.
We have a great capacity for carrying on and others have it far worse and always been grateful we had that time with each other, some never do.

GrannySomerset

So sadly true; my sense of loss increases rather than decreases and I am bereft.

I am so sorry and sending you virtual hugs.

Thank you all you lovely ladies you have made me realise I am not alone.
It also made me think is grief is so painful as we loved them so much and it is a price we have to pay. I think in some respects we are lucky. Take care.

So many sad stories of loss on here. My heart goes out to you all.

I’ve had a cry this morning remembering 19 years ago today which was my niece’s wedding and the last time I was together with both my dear sisters.

Our middle sister died five months later aged 54. Eldest sister lived ten more years but was poorly for six of those years. She died the year after my DH, I miss them all so much and this poem certainly strikes a chord.💔

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I already had a little cry this morning, but felt comforted finding this post today. I reflected that I was very fortunate to have my lovely sister in my life for almost 79 years.

They will be forever in our hearts.

Thank you Rosieandhermaw.

Dear friends, your life stories touch me deeply. Yes, I know loss, too. With all my heart and soul I send love and healing to you.

Donna Ashworth wrote this poemsl, she has a website.

Lovely poem and such deep heartfelt responses.
Two days after the funeral of my partner of 33 years we went into the first lockdown. We had a dog and I was lucky to be able to get out and walk her, upon one of these walks I came across a wall of graffiti which read
' let me die first or I will die twice'.
It was as if somebody had written my life on a big slab of concrete and it still generates the gut wrenching feeling of loss and pain.
Five years on my mind is still like a motorway of events. The pain and loss actually increases for me and I miss him more than ever.
I have an envy of people who are able to move on and I know its stupid of me not being able to process my grief but the emptiness isn't something one can always share and I believe the majority of people do not want to be around someone who can't so one puts on an act until in the loneliness of ones own company.
Thank you for pubishing this and for the people sharing their thoughts.