Letter to my deceased father was opened in coffin

My condolences too.

My first instinct would be to confront her, but, on reflection, as others have said, you are so much better than her. Just walk away, refuse to discuss it and leave her to think that she has failed in her plan to upset you.

Your job now is to look after yourself and allow yourself to grieve without interference from your mother.

Caleo

I suspect your estranged mother is very sad that she is estranged, and does not know how to be friends again. So she acted in the only way she was able. Nobody made her do what she did, so she must have wanted to express her loneliness.

Sorry but NO. It was a private letter from a daughter to her father, and she had NO right whatsoever to read it.

So sorry about the loss of your father- I would be very upset that she had read the letter, and not sure what I would do.

A very strange thing for her to do and tremendously upsetting for you to read your private thoughts yo your dear dad. I would keep quiet about it if you possibly can. If you mention it to her you will probably get so upset that you won't be able to say what you really feel and then you might regret it. Perhaps a while down the line you could write out your feelings and post them to her if that puts an end to it for you?

Caleo

I suspect your estranged mother is very sad that she is estranged, and does not know how to be friends again. So she acted in the only way she was able. Nobody made her do what she did, so she must have wanted to express her loneliness.

That’s a rather charitable take. Imo she’s just a nasty, nosy piece of work.

Sorry for your loss, FP60.
Opening the letter was unkind. Telling your daughter she had done so was unkind.
Go with the advice on here and try to forget it. 💐💐

I am stunned by the depth of insensitivity which would not only prompt someone to do that, but then to also tell your Daughter that she has done it. Totally poisonous, as it appears that this was all an attempt to inflict pain on you at a time when you were at your most vulnerable. I'm not surprised that you are estranged from this odious creature, and strongly recommend that you remain so.. totally. Don't respond, as that's what she's hoping for, and advise your Daughter not to disclose what she has told you. Focus on the happy memories of your Dad, and close the door on her once and for all.

Quokka I agree totally with you

So sorry for your loss. I don’t think it wise to say anything.

Instead why not put your angst into writing - , get it all out there, then take it to a quiet spot and set fire to it.

I’m so sorry to read about the letter. Can you discreetly ask the funeral home if they know whether it was possible for someone to open a letter placed in the coffin. Perhaps it didn’t in fact happen and was only said to cause upset? and to cause a reaction.

So sorry for your loss but Like others suggest don't give her the satisfaction of a confrontation. Hard as it will be just let it go. She will be the one who is simmering if she planned to upset you with her actions.

FlowerPower60

Thank you so much for speedy reply.
I too am stunned....she told my daughter on day of funeral that she had read it. And of course daughter couldn't say anything at that point,but she was upset too.
My mother really is the gift that keeps on giving.
Here I am a grandmother myself having to deal with the death of a much loved father who went through so much. And a mother that never ceases to shock.

She told your daughter because she knew your daughter would tell you.

I agree with others on here. Don't give her the satisfaction of responding. She'll be waiting for it. Let her wait in vain.

So sorry about the loss of your father.

So sorry to for the loss of your father. Your mother was definitely out of order to read that letter. Whether your father had died or not that letter was not addressed to her! Nobody under any circumstances should open a letter addressed to someone else. Your mother has done this to cause you distress, I suggest you do not rise to the occasion - that is rewarding her behaviour. She is waiting for your response, don't give her one. Remember your father with love , maintain your relationship with your daughter . Ignore your mother, what she has done is unforgivable!

I suspect your estranged mother is very sad that she is estranged, and does not know how to be friends again. So she acted in the only way she was able. Nobody made her do what she did, so she must have wanted to express her loneliness.

So sorry about your father. Just think now you can walk away and hold your head high. You don’t have to see her if you don’t want to. Keep focused on the life you have and the people who love you. Take care and move on you owe this to yourself.

My sincere condolences for the loss of your father FlowerPower.

I wouldn't say anything then she'll never know that she's upset you. She wanted you to know which is why she told your D so I would put it behind me; she's to be pitied.

Your estranged mother must be suffering in her own way to act so discourteously. It was bad what she did as it was hurtful to you. But neither you nor your estranged mother can do anything that harms or benefits your late father.

If you can rise above the insult to you try to do so and forgive her.

So sorry about your father.
I agree with all who have said don't mention it. She's probably waiting for some response so don't respond.
Your dad knows what you said and what is in your heart. Remember him and forget her.

If she actually did that she is well out of order, but also showing her insecurity with regards to you. Someone that unboundaried needs to be avoided IMO. Just protect what you have with your daughter.... that's really precious.. as are your memories of your Dad..

Thanks to every one of you for the support show. Much appreciated

I am sorry for your loss but agree with not saying anything

So sorry for your loss FP60. Your Dad has read your letter, I’m sure. He know how you feel.

Let it go - you have enough to deal with. I am so sorry you have lost your father. Your mother was of course completely out of order, but that does not mean you have to follow this up - it will only make you sad and add to your troubles. Your precious message to your father still stands - nothing can take that away.

How do you know your mother actually opened it and read it? I’m surprised the Funeral Parlour would have allowed this. Whatever she is saying it to spite you. Very good advice from Violet Sky, who sadly has a lot of experience of estrangement.

Condolences on the loss of your father. Whatever their age it is a sad time. Try and remember the good times you had. He is on your side.

Sincere condolences FP60. No wonder you’re angry and hurt. I agree with the advice here, silence towards your mother is the correct way to respond

Good advice on this thread - I too would say nothing. Your letter has been read and your poor daughter told in order to cause even more upset at this awful time. Your silence on the subject is the best way to show that you are indifferent to anything that this unkind person can do - silence means that she cannot even be sure you know about it.
I am sorry for the loss of your Father - be kind to yourself and remember that he loved you and would not want you to be unhappy for too long. x