Have you lost friends following bereavement?

Ours is slightly different MrOops best mates wife died suddenly last year, the funeral was late Summer and by October he was dating, he is now with a very young girl and we rarely see him, we feel that we lost them both when his wife died.
It’s disconcerting, we are trying to remain friends, but it’s difficult. There a few of us who were close to them both and they all feel the same as us.

aonk A friend's husband died recently. His closest friend made advances to my friend at the funeral.

I have found that my oldest friends (female) have stayed loyal. More recent friends (made through work mainly) have disappeared. The main thing I noticed, though, was that friends who were originally my husband's (his school friends, work friends, etc) just disappeared. Not even a Christmas card.
It's pretty impossible being on your own among lots of couples, so I have had to make efforts to establish a new circle of aquaintances through various hobbies (all single women!) I do miss chatting to men, though!

To add another aspect to the situation. Five years ago one of our oldest friends husband died - we have known her for almost 50 years. My husband and I did everything possible to support her, phone calls, invites and lunches out. After a couple of years she started to make hurtful comments to me - which I ignored for a long time. Then whenever I called it wasn't convenient to speak better to ring her 9pm - which I did next time - then she said it's better if you ring at 11am. We never had long conversations unless she felt the need to talk. Then she stopped sending us Birthday Greetings. I know she has made some new friends and we are very pleased for her. However, I am so sad that the support and years of friendship meant so little. She doesn't have any family at all and we considered ourselves her family. My only thoughts are that we have daughters and grandchildren and it was painful for her - although we didn't really speak much about them to her as she was never interested.

My DH1 died when I was 40 and I’d like to offer another aspect to the situation. In the months afterwards 2 men made “advances” to me. One was a married male colleague with whom I had always been friendly. Worst of all the other was a good friend of DH1, also married and who was best man at our wedding! I found all this very distressing and lost a bit of respect for men. Fortunately that didn’t last long and I’ve been very happily married to DH2 for some time. Needless to say neither of those men are in my life now.

When I was widowed many years ago (I was only forty-one) I was afraid I would lose friends - I had read about the situation - but it didn’t happen. Most of my friends had been part of my life since well before I was married. On the whole we met as individuals, not couples. Husbands weren’t included. There was only one couple, friends of my husband, who were annoyingly persistent! I’m sure they thought they were doing the right thing, but I wished they would leave me alone. They were his friends, not mine.

Most of our friends we have made individually through our hobbies and interests, so most of our friends are personal to one of us and we would expect them to fall away when the person who knew them was no more.

Most of my friends are single, divorced, or widowed and it is a personal friendship that I would not expect to end when my DH died. The few friends we have that we know as couple are longstanding and almost family, one has been widowed and we certainly see her as regularly as ever.

In retirement my mother built a busy social network around her and my DF, who was not entirely socially adept. When she died, the group scooped him up and kept him in the loop. he taught himself to cook, watching Delia, and by the time he died 10 years later, no social occasion was complete without one of his trifles, Victoria sponges or meat loaves.

Dad had been ill a long time and died during Christmas break, while some good friends were away. They never contacted Mum again ever.

oh yes, friends and acquantances do disappear, it is a horrible realisation that we are truly left on our own, as though being widowed was not enough. In -laws also vanished out of sight after a year or so. The only ones who have remained stable in my life are two sisters in aus and my sister up north plus of course my AC and my dgc. I am prepared for a life alone, have many good hobbies and will re-join hobby groups when it feels safe to do so

I am a bit like whiff, have absolutely no interest in any other male relationship, my husband was and is, my one and only. So a friend died and her husband, my husband`s work friend, has been ringing me from time to time, I, as always, have been trying to offer wise comforting words. He wants to meet up so I am now on avoidance, so much easier than making polite conversation over lunch. I can only guess what his wife was saying to him at the end of her life, `she is a good catch, good company, she will look after you`. No thanks, I have accepted being alone and it is not all bad, not at all. Life moved on when I accepted that being alone was now a fact of life

nanasam

Thankfully, DH is still with me but I have a friend and a cousin who lost theirs last year. I usually get in touch with them, which is fine and totally understandable. But I remember one of my mum's friends saying when women lose their husbands the friends seem to disappear and they feel really lonely. Is it because they don't get in touch with others or, like mum's friend said to me she felt other women were worried about her trying to steal their husbands from them!

I'm getting to the time where I'm starting to think of what it might be like and I'm not liking the idea of losing friends, let alone DH.

Has anyone found this is happening to themselves?

Tell me about it. Without exception, all the friends we had here in Melbourne, where the relationship was started by my late DH, have fallen by the wayside. I keep it up with Christmas letters, messages, etc. but bugger all response.

Surely I'm not that horrible?

My widows story briefly. 3 of dh school friends always stayed in touch phone calls either way 1 widowed, 1 divorced and remarried, wives all fine. Lots of fun conversations. H snooker friends of 20 years and wives all socialised. Never heard from. I had 3 very long term friends all live far away, but exchange visits carried on with me. Made a new group of friends via walking group. Joined a club, went away for weekend with singles groups. Several men made moves on me very much surprised me as 67 plus. 2 of the men were married and very much shocked me. Met a lovely man, we got married I was 75, lost several friends, 2 said they were jealous of me. How strange people are. But I am very happy, careful who I now choose as friends.

I was always taught to pay my respects initially and go back in about three months when all the 'sensationalists/do gooders' had faded into the ether. Have found this to be pretty accurate unfortunately.

Fortunately not something that's happened to me when my husband passed away three years ago.

We won't go there on my late husband family though. What a nightmare a few of them turned out to be

Can't remember if I have written about this before so apologies if I am repeating myself. A year after my husband died he made me promise to go on holiday. So I did to York for 4 days. I was in a cafe and ordered some gelato. There was only me and a man at another table. He asked me to join him . To be honest I didn't know what to do I was shocked so just said no thank you. I have always worn my wedding ring and at the time weighted 19st +. He was a man in his 50's and did look ok. Sounds naive not knowing what to do .

Next time something happened was about 5 years ago . I was in the village where I used to live I was at the ATM and a man in his 70's asked me if I could show him what to do. So did and I never saw him coming and he kissed me on the cheek and asked for my phone number. I was so shocked I dashed off and went in the charity shop. And told them what happened. I what I should have done was slap his face and tell him to f off. Again I was still the same weight.

Since then I decided to lose weight and moved house 2 years ago. I have lost 7st. I was in a taxi pre Covid and talking to the driver as usual . He told me he was a widower. I just thought we where having a nice chat. But when I told my daughter about it she said he was chatting me up. I didn't realise.

I know how naive that sounds but I know I'm not ugly but no beauty. And don't look my age . My first and last first date was when I was 16. My husband was my one and only. Also didn't think men my age want women the same age. Got it in my mine they would go for someone lot younger. Not that I want a man in my life.

It all sounds ridiculous writing it down but it's what happened. Luckily I was still friends with couples where I used to live and I suppose because of my size the wife's where ok with there husband's talking to me or giving me a hand not that I needed help with anything often.

Sure, there are opportunist men who think that all woman are fair game or harbour the ridiculous notion that all widows are desperate for sex but that is not a reason for married women to cut bereaved women from established social circles. The many posts here attesting to similar experiences show how common this is.

I do really think there is a much deeper problem concerning how single people are perceived and treated in society and even how single people perceive themselves.

It’s rare for a week to go by on GN without someone enquiring about online dating - I'm just out of a relationship and need to find another kind of thing or asking for advice on unhappy relationships - staying because they fear being alone. There is little to fear about living alone. Certainly, there is a big adjustment after being in a loving or unloving relationship but it does get better. The main ongoing irritant is the stigma that others attach to it and that needs to stop.

* Pammie1* Yes, it was a horrible experience made worse because DH didn't class him as a friend...they didn't have anything in common other than working together and their lives were totally opposite beyond their work hours.

If you had similar experiences within a short time you will completely understand and I'm sorry for you too. Jumping into bed with some jerk while you are still in a 'zombie-state' is not what I would think of as enjoyable? I'm the first to admit that I was in this 'zombie-state' for sometime while trying to come to terms with what had just happened and I think this is normal, even though we might put on a good face on the outside while on the inside, it's the opposite.

Unless someone has lost their spouse they don't truly comprehend what these men are like. I've had women tell me I had 'invited' attention from this type of man, when that's not true at all. By choice, I've never had another relationship and that will never change. I don't need a man in my life!

Hope you are OK?

My neighbour was offered help to arrange her daughters funeral, and the "man" who was helping started telling her how he had always found her very attractive.
He also ended up staying the night (on her sofa) and she found him with just his pants on, spread out on the sofa, hoping she might be overcome with passion, presumably.
I would have told him to F* off!!!

Flexagon

Luckygirl Pound to a penny Mrs Jealous put the kybosh on that. I’ve had twenty years of this nonsense. Nowadays, I register the glaring and the backturning and the grabbing onto partners arms for dear life and just carry on as usual. I wonder how these men were ever allowed out the door to go to work every day. It must be hell being in a such a controlling relationship that one can’t even give a bunch of flowers to a grieving friend without incurring suspicion.

It’s amazing isn’t it? Both the jealous wives who think a bereaved woman is just dying to get her mitts on their old man ( literally old man!) and the sleazy husbands who think a bereaved woman craves their attention ( to put it delicately.)

When it was what would have been our Golden Wedding several months after he died, the man came round with a bunch of flowers for me, which was a kind thought; and I though nothing of it.

If my husband had done that I would have been really proud of him for being so thoughtful ?

Our best man’s wife dropped us (very rudely) when she was widowed! Clearly she had only tolerated us for his sake.

You’ve done nothing wrong at all, by the way.

Not at all. But if he brought the flowers round without his wife knowing I’d be a bit suspicious of him. If she knew then her reaction is wrong.

I don't think he was trying it on - or maybe I am naive. But I am 72 and no great beauty. I thought he was just being kind as I had done a great deal for him and his wife. I still think this.

But I find the idea that she might have misinterpreted this very hard. Heaven knows I have enough to worry about and do not need this.

Am I to speak to no men who have spouses just in case it is misinterpreted? Something else to deal with?

I’ve experienced a loss of friends as well, but at least I’ve found out who my real friends are.

I’m not sure about that one. It seems odd for a man to take some flowers round to a woman’s house on his own. Very occasionally a friend of my husband (now ex) would try it on purely because I’d been friendly towards them, I’d mention it to my husband, thinking he would be annoyed that a friend would do that, but he used to find it amusing. Funny things, men. Their minds work in strange ways sometimes.