Bereavement is discovering who your true friends are!

Do you not think that in life some people think they are the star player and expect everyone else to be the supporting cast. Your friend can't be supportive because she doesn't know how as it's not in her nature to be. All her good works etc puts her in the star role not in the support role that it appears to be on the surface.

So sorry for your loss.

Strange lady....do you need her in your life?

My condolences dragonfly .

I think many GNs have experienced bereavement and I suspect we could write a book about the crass and insensitive things people say. In my case when my DH died a "friend" who seemed to think we were wealthy (I wish) told me that I could now do whatever I wanted because the money was all mine(!), no longer being invited to parties (DH was the life and soul of any party) but being rung whenever someone was having a party and being asked if guests park in my drive. The offers of help which are never followed through - I could go on (and I did!)

It's the idea people have that you "get over it" How can you get over losing someone who has been a huge part of your life

At least on GN we know people will be sympathetic and supportive

Some people who hate the platitudes that are said when someone dies would rather say nothing than just churn out the same meaningless words that are repeated endlessly.

Some people are just truly thoughtless and totally unaware of others feelings ...

On the subject of putting words into someone’s mouth (“merciful release”, “good innings”, “getting over it”, etc) a friend who also lost her DH sent me this.
Food for thought.

“Please do not ask
If I am now recovering
Or if I see the light
At the tunnel's end.
Nor speak about relief - or burdens lifted.
And, worst of all, new starts.
Please, please don't ask
If I am getting through -
Have come to terms
Or find my life
Is back on track.
Of course I live each day to each
And gladly smile
My coping, to 'prepare a face
To meet the faces that you meet'.
What else is there to do?
In any case, you would not want to know
The daily loss that lasts eternally
Just, please don't ask”

A hug, a smile, a or a a “you’ve been in my thoughts” is all it needs.

So sad that some people, whether Christian or not, do not know how to empathise with someone who has been bereaved.

How can you ever be 'over it'?

to those who have lost a loved one.

I'm very sorry for your loss. People can be very thoughtless and unfortunately their reaction stays with you. When my son died ( as a child) all my friends were wonderful in emotional and practical ways except one. I heard nothing for on her at all and he died 6 months after being diagnosed with cancer. He died in the middle of December . She rang me up for the first time to ask did I want to go to her New Years Eve party. I absolutely blasted her down the phone and she was a friend no longer. Another friend of a friend met me in the street 3 months later and did stop to speak to me saying ( with her own small son at her side) " oh I expect you are over it by now" That one left me speechless! People can be crass and unthinking but most are kind whether Christian or not. I am and always make sure I speak to or contact a bereaved person as I hope it does help them in a small way.

Please don’t be too harsh on anyone’s way of dealing with death.
Every individual is different and e@ch time can bring about a different reaction.
I’m quite certain no single person wants to cause hurt to anyone in particular a friend.
Remember you may be hurting but in fact it’s not about you entirely, death causes pain in many ways that aren’t always obvious. And we dont really know what is happening in the life of others.

I am sad for you, dragonfly. Loss seems to bring out the best, and the worst in people.
We don't handle death very well in this country, do we.
As with paddyann, I experienced people crossing the road to avoid me when DS died. Staff in my village shop, who had asked almost daily about his wellbeing, heard of his death on the day and never mentioned his name again.
Almost worse are those who flinch at the mention of the name, in the years ahead....because we might be upsetting ourselves, and heaven forbid that they may have to face an emotion. Deleting loved ones from memory is apparently the way forward!

I have no wise insights to offer, only the observation that it is often the most surprising people who reveal themselves as true friends in these situations.
And perhaps an echo of other posters..... that some of the most "christian" souls on this earth may never attend church.

Dragonfly. Sorry for your loss. I know a lot of lovely people some church going others that don't. I had a neighbour who crossed the road just after my husband's funeral as if I was invisible and it hurt so much, but that said so much about her. I would never want to be that person. We all experience someone we love dying and it's not easy accepting and that we are thankful for what we shared with that person. ?

Luckygirl I was raised catholic and we firmly believed in offering condolences to the bereaved ,I've never known a catholic who believed otherwise .

dragonfly46 Condolences

Reading some of these post makes me feel sad for anyone who is bereaved and ignored or have had their sadness belittled.

to anyone in that situation, I know it won't change anything and thank goodness you have each been strong enough to endure those times.

Maw - I simply cannot believe that anyone would be so crass as to say that. Words fail me.

I suppose some catholics do not see the need for condolences as they sincerely believe that the person who has died is in a better place - I remember one born-again who would virtually congratulate someone when a loved one died. Extraordinary. Even if you hold a firm belief like this, the sadness of the bereaved should be respected.

I have accepted it is how some cope with another’s grief, as if it is contagious

I well remember people crossing the road or diving into shops to avoid speaking to me when I lost my daughter .Its very difficult to see but understandable I think.Its not easy to find the right words in sad circumstances and some would rather say nothing than say the wrong thing.I'm sure they do sympathise but cant express how they feel.
Its got nothing to do with their faith..or lack of .Its just how some people are .

I echo what Grandma70 and Cornergran have just said.

It is many years ago now that my DH died young. I know that people crossed the street, crossed me off invitation lists for social events where he and I had been regulars.

And the crass people who used inappropriate humour. I recall saying to someone: "I've recently lost my husband." I know it's a euphemism but the context left no doubt I meant that he'd died. "Well that was very careless of you." was his idiotic response.

Faith is irrelevant here. Some people are simply socially inept.

I'm sorry for your loss dragonfly and equally sorry that your neighbour and friend has been so insensitive, whatever the reason may be.

Saying “I’m so sorry” is enough for people you don’t know very well. Hugs can be a bit much. It depends on the person. I didn’t like it.

When my husband died young many years ago I had young children. What I needed more than anything was practical help. A couple of friends were very good at that. My neighbours, who I didn’t know very well, said nothing. Later on they said “We didn’t want to intrude”. They meant well. In fact everybody means well, even if it feels wrong to you, so it’s best to remember that and not criticise too much.

Being Christian or not makes no difference in my experience.

Me too granyactivist

for you dragonfly46 and big (((hugs)))

dragonfly46 you are right that going to church does not make you a Christian and neither is it a form of 'fire insurance' that will save you. Good works are not sufficient on their own to save you. It is faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and His redeeming blood that saves and good works should naturally flow from that faith.
You will also know that we are told not to let our left hand know what our right hand is doing. See Matt 6:1-4 . It is a strange fact that some people only seem to live for the adulation and praise of others in this life and don't know that this life is just a foretaste of what is to come which is ultimately very sad for them.

I also recognise the sort of 'piety' that you describe dragonfly and it saddens me

Me too grannyactivist

I am a Christian and like everyone else I have my 'off' days when perhaps I don't live up to my own ideals, but I also recognise the sort of 'piety' that you describe dragonfly and it saddens me.
As Christians we are encouraged to; 'clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience'. I'm always sorry when people are hurt because we fail to demonstrate the essence of what we've been taught.