Adult daughter with mental health problems

Thank you do much for these kind comments. DD knows she can come home whenever she wants, amd that we would support her in finding a different route, but she is adamant (so far) that university is right for her even though she is unhappy there. It helps me know that we're not alone in what we're going through.

Really feel for you. All my 3 had mental health problems during school. My eldest was diagnosed with ADHD in her 40s having been treated for depression for much of her life. She has lost not one but 2 fiancé's, one during Covid and another this year. She has lived back home with me for several years. She works ( not in a chosen career, she has a degree and MA in art) and has good friends thankfully. All I can do is be supportive but I'm getting on in years now!
I suspect my son is autistic. He's also an artist and took a long time to launch, but he pretty much got headhunted by a team of inventors. He's very happily married to someone very similar!
My youngest was quite a troubled teen, school avoidance,and with body dismorphia. She really blossomed when at the local college and became a brilliant nurse,now has a very senior job in public health and has a wonderful husband,children and home.She's amazing but 20 years ago I could never have predicted it. They lost their dad to cancer when the youngest was 3. So, not any easy time for us.
Hopefully OPs daughter will find some kindred spirits that 'get' her. She's still very young , it's not easy for her but she sounds hard working and determined. All the best to her and her family x

My son is autistic and was very unhappy until he accepted he couldn’t be like everyone else. Since then he stays in his room playing video games. He’s 35. Some autistic people aren’t suited to society and that’s the way it is. Don’t pressure her to conform for a start. My son isn’t contributing to society but he’s also not in tears every night saying he wants to die.

I’m sorry, you and your daughter are going through this. My own adult daughter was diagnosed with autism just before heading off to university. There was very little support there and she really struggled in all the ways you describe your own daughter struggling. I suspect that even if your daughter was prepared to be professionally assessed, things might not change much. My DD did eventually complete her degree but it was touch and go sometimes and she did not really enjoy her time there.

She was home for a year during Covid and then back to university to do a PhD which she has just finished. She made a very good friend during her PhD (they were in the same lab) and the two of them have since become a couple. The turning point for her was this friendship and that, combined with more maturity (she’s now 27), has made her into a happier, more confident person, though still with many anxieties. Previous posters have given good advice and as long as you support your daughter now as much as she will allow and in any way she needs, things should hopefully get better.

Be there for her and encourage her to feel able to talk to you if she wants is the best advice. Pushing her to seek professional help is perhaps counterproductive but there should be a student advisory service that looks after student welfare so perhaps she could be persuaded to talk to them if she has not already done so. Re assure her on the job front. Students leave university with massive debts and no jobs as she must have read. Let her know she can return to live with you after uni, which is quite common these days, until she finds something she is happy with.

I agree with Basgetti. My eighteen year old granddaughter ( diagnosed as autistic at three) is much happier not being sociable. She doesn’t make the effort to engage with others and finds it intrusive if people ask her questions in a friendly way. She says it is an effort to make conversation and her hobbies are all very solitary but she prefers it that way.

Is this her second year?
Maybe she might like to put university on hold and take a year out?
Or would she feel better living at home and changing university?

Or does she just need to struggle a bit and "offload" now and then?

Sorry for you all though.

Do you know that she is unhappy or is that an assumption? Some people just aren’t sociable and are happy in their own company.

Maybe she would prefer to take a different route to university? It’s not for everyone. Maybe she’d like to have a job and leave home when she’s older?

I think I struggled to launch a bit - though launch I did as my mother didn't really give us a choice. She had a policy that as soon as we walked out the school gates on our last day of school, we were expected to take care of ourselves (though we were allowed to live at home with no rent if studying). OK, maybe I struggled more than 'a bit'. Thankfully I met my now husband around that time, so someone helped me. I think we probably finished raising each other!

I think your daughter needs to take one day at a time. Do what she is comfortable with socially (messages from society about what we 'should' be doing can be difficult, especially at that age where you might not be so confident being different). Getting a job and managing it are issues for the future.

The main thing I felt difficult is that, while we were expected to get a job and look after ourselves, we had never been told how to do this. I was 17, just starting university, and had no real world skills. Could your daughter be struggling with these sorts of adjustments? I was quite distressed for a while and had no idea how to meet expectations or where to start. Maybe just these little things are what your daughter needs help with right now? It can feel like such a big transition.

If she is autistic, she'll also be developmentally a bit younger.

No easy answers but your daughter is very fortunate to have parents who are caring and want to help.

Thank you both for those kind words. It helps to hear them.

There is a saying -- You are only as happy as your saddest child.
That said, it's important to help when you are able, listen, and know when to stand down. Standing down is a military term, not a parenting term - for good reason! Parents don't like the idea that they cannot fix something, no matter if the AC is 19, 29 or 39.
But we cannot fix all things. In the big picture, I think you have to wait it out. If your daughter needs help, eventually, hopefully, she will seek it. But it could take her ten years.
I have no magic advice for how to be happy while your AC is miserable. It's hard. No doubt.
Please hang in there. Take it day by day.

Ive no words of wisdom I'm afraid but I really do sympathise. We are very worried about one of my adult sons who is suffering from serious mental health problems. It's always on my mind. I don't know the answer to how you can be happy if your child is not. When I do feel happy about something, and I have lots to be happy about, I feel guilty somehow. I send all my best wishes that things will improve for you and your daughter.

I'm very sorry to hear what your daughter and your family are going through. I have three grown-up children myself, and I think one of the hardest parts of being a parent is accepting that you can't always make things better for them, no matter how much you want to. At 19, your daughter still has so much time to find her feet, even if things seem rather hopeless at the moment. I wouldn't necessarily see her future as bleak just because she's struggling now. The fact that she's managing university despite her anxiety is something in itself. Perhaps rather than trying to persuade her to seek professional help, you could start by simply listening to what she feels she needs, without putting too much pressure on her. And please don't forget to look after yourselves as well. Watching someone you love struggle can be absolutely exhausting.