My daughter has split up with her husband

Lots of empathy and good advice, but I just want to say, DO NOT give up your job. You need it now and in the future, for all the reasons there are.
It's good that you have the support of your DH in this sad situation. You are both going to have your work cut out.

I have just come back from our local shop and the manageress who I know very well has told me about her adult daughter who has just spoken to her father after 17 years. He left his wife for another woman and the daughter was heartbroken.

The daughter has suffered badly with her mental health which was all due to him leaving and she has had counselling for a long time. She only went to see him because a family member had died and he needed to know.

Often kids put on a brave face and pretend they are unaffected but at some point it usually surfaces. Parents always tell their kids they are still loved and nothing will change but they underestimate how it will affect them. I have seen it time and time again and read enough autobiographies where people say it messed them up big time but they are only able to talk about it as adults.

I do think though that the younger the kids are is probably least likely to affect them.

Just crack on .....she will pick herself up...
Make a new life.....just keep on doing what you're doing

Please be reassured that, in time, she’ll work things out and things will improve.

Do what you can in terms of support, but not at the expense of your health or your job.

She’s very brave to have left, I did not, things could have been very different for myself and my children if I’d been brave and strong enough to leave my DH!

Things have been fine with us for years and years now, but the hurt of betrayal never completely leaves, trust never stays 100%.

Having seen the same with my DD they were together 19 years and have 2 sons the eldest was 15 at the time he took it very badly and still doesn't speak to his dad the youngest has a good relationship with his dad it was awful to see my DD going through such heartbreak but just be there as a sounding wall a lot of the time help in anyway you can practically in time things will calm down and your DD and GC like mine will come out the other side

It is clear that your DD has been lied to and deceived throughout their five year marriage which must be devastating. She is wise to leave the marriage while the children are still tiny.

You are clearly doing the right thing in offering all the support you can but it must be very tiring and traumatic for you and your DH to be in the thick of it.

I was in a situation similar to this many years ago and all I can say is try to discourage your DD if she decides to go back and try again. Not that you can stop her if she that is what decides.

Things will get better and calmer one way or another in the long run even if that seems an impossible dream at the moment. I still feel that I have to be careful not to share my feelings about my GCs' dad with them.

I can relate to Marzipan’s post. The same thing happened to my little grandson. Now, aged 20, you couldn’t wish for a more grounded and self-confident young man. Please don’t worry, OP, with your support all will be well.

Not all children accept their parents splitting up so well. My SIL told my brother she didn’t love him any more and that there was nobody else involved. He moved out because he wanted the 3 kids to stay in their home. They were 5, 10 and 12.

Of course she had lied and had someone else move in after a few weeks! The 12 year old was terribly affected, developed a serious eating disorder and from then until she left home at 18 was never in the same room or spoke to her Mum’s new man. Imagine living in the same house as a man you detest!
They spent a couple of nights a week with their Dad. As Adults all 3 have hangups about their childhood.

It’s painful, isn’t it summerskies? So much easier when our adult children were little and had little problems. We found our way through by listening and waiting to be told what our adult child needed. 9 years on all is calm and settled, a new, happier, life gradually evolved for them both.

I can't advise but I can tell you what it was like for me. My son's relationship broke up when my grandson was two and the little chap went between his dad's and mum's houses three times a week with his tiny backpack on. It almost broke my heart and at times I felt overwhelmed. I looked after him endlessly during the days his dad was working and consequently we're very close.

He's 16 now and has continued to inhabit two worlds (his mum is hippy-ish, his dad more of a businessman) all this time, enjoying the variety. He doesn't know any other way. He's a lovely, wise, grounded teenager. Anyway, that may not console you now because the future is a long way off, but believe me I do know how you feel. 🥀

When his mum asked him the other day what he remembered about his childhood we thought he would mention his two lives, as he is very honest and open, but he said, 'Nana's metal tape measure that used to zip back in really quickly like a snake.' 😂

It is so hard ... my parents went through all this twice with my 2 siblings. I do not think you can do any more than you already are. Good luck with it all.

Opinions.

I’m sorry you’re in this position, all you can do is be there for her and it’s sounds like you are. It is devastating for parents of an AC going through this, but keep your options to yourself.
No matter what she says, do not give your opinion, nod and say ‘yes dear’.
There will be more rocky days ahead, sorting the houses, shared parental responsibilities, money issues, so just listen, give practical help where possible.
Try to be her rock. Sending you my best wishes.

I should have said '5 year marriage' not message