I feel I have to look out for my son's ex

DHs exfiancee of 60 years ago sent another long letter this week, funny as I'd just posted about it on here. I honestly think it would have been so much kinder to let her get over it and move on. I don't think MIL did her any favours.

Why don't you arrange a Christmas meet-up somewhere neutral. I don't think you're aware of how much your surgery will impact on your life - that should be your priority now.

Before she met your son what did she do?

Also it should be your son who is the focus for you.

You should give her the space to move on- some people are used to being on their own at Christmas.

It broke my heart when my son was overseas and told me he spent Christmas day with no heating and a cold tin of soup but you know? He survived and so will she- but putting others before your own serious needs can be the wroing priority.

Have a chat to her, aask what she will be doing for Christmas, and say you would be happy to see her, but as you will be recovering from the operation, you don't feel up to cooking.

She may suggest either that you go to her, or that she comes to you and brings the meal with her, or cooks it at yours.

Obviously, it may be awkward if you expect your son to pop in, so make sure with them both whether that is all right, or not.

If it isn't scheduled their visits so they don't clash.

Thank you for your kind wishes.

She's fortunate to have someone so kind and loving in her life Elless. Best of luck with your operation .

I agree Astitchintime a childish way to behave.

Just sending best wishes for your shoulder op.
Accept all help including from ex-DiL.

I had a shoulder replacement some years ago and it is almost certain that at Christmas you may still be in a sling, certainly not lifting much and doing physio. Please don’t load yourself with anything else.
We kept in touch for a while with the ex of a close relative but it became a very difficult situation and we had to let it go. I still feel bad sometimes but life does move on. You need to concentrate on yourself at present and enjoy new GC

This is a slightly tricky situation.
If you enjoy her company then invite her .
But be careful -
In the past I've gone out of my way to help lonely people .
I spent most of my Friday with a friend and I felt exhausted .
I feel very sorry for her .
But on Saturday I felt completely wiped out so much so that I couldn't do anything in the house .
It's hard to cut people out of your life if you are a kind person .

Thank you all for your input, I am a worrier and it breaks my heart to imagine her on her own all day. My op has now been brought forward to this Thursday (27th) so I think I am going to have to play it by ear nearer the time.

My son and his partner were very young when they had a child but then split up. Her parents lived abroad and I felt like I should keep involved with her (and obviously I wanted to keep in touch with my grandson). I made a real effort to be involved in her life, although initially things were difficult as they both found new partners. 35 years later we are still friends and I have always been a part of my grandsons life.

I must be a very selfish person. If I was having a shoulder replacement, then I'm afraid very little else that was going on in other people's lives would touch me. I would be concentrating solely on my operation, my recovery and returning back to a healthier, easier life, when I would have the headspace to bother about people not directly family. It's a huge operation.

Grran

The world is a different place now, with such fluid relationships. If it’s ok with your son I would invite her for part of the day eg afternoon and tea.
I have a SIL who has kept in touch with her ex inlaws for decades.

My late MIL stayed in touch with DHs ex fiancée for decades. When MIL died this nutty woman started contacting us with her fantasies about how her and DH had been married many times before in history. It would have been so much healthier for her to have moved on. Sixty years on and we still hear from her. It's sad but also a nuisance when yet another ten page rambling letter arrives

It will not go well in the long run if you treat her as a daughter, especially when your DS meets someone else. The idea of inviting her for Christmas is OTT. She is an adult who can look after herself. My advice would be to remain friendly but slowly distance yourself a bit.

The world is a different place now, with such fluid relationships. If it’s ok with your son I would invite her for part of the day eg afternoon and tea.
I have a SIL who has kept in touch with her ex inlaws for decades.

I agree with the consensus that your DS needs to be the one to make the decision, but you could explain that you feel that she may be alone if not.
While she is not in regular contact with her family, perhaps make sure they know about the split.
Do treat it as a one-off though, because it will be very awkward if DS has a new OH going forward - he may be OK with it for one event.

I see no reason why you wouldn't ask her if you get along. If she and your son have broken up amicably why would he expect you to fall out with her.

My son and his wife split after 35 yrs married. My ex daughter in law still visits each week and help with my housework now I'm unable to do some things. I pay her as it helps her too.

My son has since passed away but she is my grandsons mother and grandmother to my great grandchildren..so much easier when were also friends.

Good luck with your shoulder replacement. I had both replacements over 20 yrs ago. Still serve me well.

4allweknow

1. Why do you have so much on your plate with a new grandchild?
2. Full shoulder replacement in a couple of weeks. Do you have any idea what the recovery will be like? Think I'd be cancelling Christmas less there were a fair number of volunteers doing all the work never mind. Will DSs ex be a useful addition for the day, if not, afraid no invitation.

Totally agree! You will be the one needing some support so don't over offer, plenty of time to catch up once the festivities are over.

Astitchintime

I lost all my in-law family, and ALL of our mutual friends. My ex threatened me with “they’re MY friends so stay away and stop contacting them” . Rather a childish way to behave and I soon realised that they weren’t genuine friends anyway so I was better off without them, had they really cared they’d have contacted me……and didn’t.

Check 8n with her occasionally but best not to try to be a family replacement, you have enough to contend with surely.

Yes because they were his friends. People need to move on.

It's Christmas, you like her, she likes you (and seems to value you) and your son is mature about it. Surely that's what Christmas is all about? Of course, you need to keep the boundaries. Insist on whatever help you need (which may be quite a lot) and make it clear when guests need to go - as you will be recovering from the op. It seems to me to come down to BOUNDARIES! Good luck and I hope your Christmas is warm and enjoyable.

I lost all my in-law family, and ALL of our mutual friends. My ex threatened me with “they’re MY friends so stay away and stop contacting them” . Rather a childish way to behave and I soon realised that they weren’t genuine friends anyway so I was better off without them, had they really cared they’d have contacted me……and didn’t.

Check 8n with her occasionally but best not to try to be a family replacement, you have enough to contend with surely.

Be straight forward, if she and your son split amicably it may be ok with him. ask him, and say to her if you could come that would be lovely as I will need help after my op. Then there is another year to pass before next xmas and things will have changed a lot.

My input. lol. Just be kind to yourself if not inviting for dinner maybe meet for a yummy tea and cake. Best wishes for your op

1. Why do you have so much on your plate with a new grandchild?
2. Full shoulder replacement in a couple of weeks. Do you have any idea what the recovery will be like? Think I'd be cancelling Christmas less there were a fair number of volunteers doing all the work never mind. Will DSs ex be a useful addition for the day, if not, afraid no invitation.

I think I would do the same. It is so kind of you to look after her. Couples don't go into relationships other than they love each other and these things happens. X

My son has been very mature about it and said he doesn't mind her coming for dinner but that was before my operation was brought forward. I do love her but she tends to have no concept of time and I know if she comes she will stay all day. My son always has plans with his friends, he would come for a few hours, have dinner and then go to meet his friends. We are about half an hours drive away.