When you got married did you save escape money ?

Havers! I had my running away money 50+ years ago. Check the Nancy Mitford books in which they are mentioned. Give women some credit!

Control over a spouse also involves financial suppression - whether you’ve worked or not.

My advice to all women is to start your own nest egg and keep quiet about it. If you ever have to exit the marriage in order to protect yourself (and your children) you have the means to do that. No one ever goes into a marriage thinking this could ever happen to them - but after working in the hospital with trauma families, you’d be surprised. The scale of abuse was an eye opener.

Back in our time, 40 or 50 yrs ago, this was all rather unthinkable. It has become a different world.

This week, I think it was yesterday, Money Box R4 devoted it programme to financial abuse within a domestic setting. Well worth a listen.

Gundy most of us worked anyway. Work is nothing new to us.

Yes I had a 'slush fund' and I would recommend it. After six years together my partner took to drinking heavily, his behaviours changed for the worse as a result, although I had no immediate intention of leaving him I instinctively felt that I should keep something back 'just in case', I opened a savings account at my bank with some money I'd made from selling some shares then over the next few years I added something to it each month, when his mental health declined to the point that he started assaulting me I was able to leave with enough money to tide me over until I'd relocated and found a job.

I've had a bank account in my name since I was a child, I would never entertain a joint account, my ex partner was an alcoholic and a spend thrift who was continually in debt so I wouldn't have had a penny to my name if he'd known about my nest egg.

To @Tizliz...god knows I worked at it for long enough but I reached a point where the emotional and physical abuse was destroying me.

No. But here’s what I think is more important than that (learning experience) - if your marriage dissolves, it may force you to go out and find WORK.

That in itself will give you the foundation, knowledge, experience going forward in your life. Perhaps you would return to previous career, or continue working in something while married.

Work will be your salvation.

There are instances of single mothers who struggle and fall into economic disparities. You cannot rely on parents or family members to bail you out. There are some very sad situations. I’m always troubled by them.

NanKate

JoyBloggs what a good memory you have 23 October 1971 was a special day for us both and our DHs. As you say ‘Early Days’ 😀

NanKate Sadly my memory is a bit like the curate's egg... 'good in parts'! 1971 is in a good part... not sure about yesterday though!

Doodledog

I think the idea of a running away fund was from the days when fewer women had jobs that would support them, men had to guarantee their loans and mortgages even if they did, and if a woman had no job of their own she had no access to money unless someone else provided it. Even if a couple had a joint account, if only one person funded it they could transfer money out and start being paid into a separate account.

It made perfect sense for women in that position to have at least three months' rent stashed away so that if she really had to leave she could buy herself a bit of time to get back on her feet. How many women stayed in marriages that made them miserable (or worse, were violent) because they had no alternative? A decent husband would understand, and wouldn't want his wife to be there because she couldn't afford not to be.

Yes, marriage should be worked at - but that should come from both sides. If it's ok to think that a women has to make it work because she can't get out of it, why shouldn't a man have to make it work because he knows she can?

My great grandmother left her husband, would have been late 19th century or maybe just into the 20th century. I think she was quite clever, she got a job working for the police, it came with a house, and she was sort of cook come housemother to accommodation for young police officers. As granny said there was no chance of trouble from her father as there were always numerous police men in the building nextdoor and they weren't going to stand for great granny being upset.

I suppose her escape fund was learning to be a very good cook who was much loved by the young men she looked after.

Lovetopaint037

When we got married 64 years ago we didn’t have money left over with the exception of £10 in premium bonds as we saved up to get married in them. We didn’t win anything and we have always kept those bonds out of sentimentality although still waiting for a win from them. No thought of having money to run away with.

I've just checked mine and I've won £50. Not exactly life changing but it's made my day. I think I might splash out and get my hair done, it really needs a cut.

Hope next month might be your month.

I don't think I'd have got married if I felt I needed escape money. I did divorce my first husband even without an escape fund.

I agree Doodledog with your description of what life was like for ‘some’ women in times gone by.

When we got married 64 years ago we didn’t have money left over with the exception of £10 in premium bonds as we saved up to get married in them. We didn’t win anything and we have always kept those bonds out of sentimentality although still waiting for a win from them. No thought of having money to run away with.

I was very happily married to mr I for 40 years, we bought our first house together 2 years before we married - that was the seal, the agreement to our life long relationship. I never felt the need for an escape fund, never felt our relationship was wobbling. I was also well qualified by then and could support myself/our children if need be
I knew within 2 weeks of my first marriage that I’d made a huge mistake. I wish I’d started my escape fund then rather than 10 years later

I think the idea of a running away fund was from the days when fewer women had jobs that would support them, men had to guarantee their loans and mortgages even if they did, and if a woman had no job of their own she had no access to money unless someone else provided it. Even if a couple had a joint account, if only one person funded it they could transfer money out and start being paid into a separate account.

It made perfect sense for women in that position to have at least three months' rent stashed away so that if she really had to leave she could buy herself a bit of time to get back on her feet. How many women stayed in marriages that made them miserable (or worse, were violent) because they had no alternative? A decent husband would understand, and wouldn't want his wife to be there because she couldn't afford not to be.

Yes, marriage should be worked at - but that should come from both sides. If it's ok to think that a women has to make it work because she can't get out of it, why shouldn't a man have to make it work because he knows she can?

It was DH that needed the escape fund. He had a job that involved a lot of travelling to remote parts of the world.

From Day 1 I ran the whole family 'business' and had the financial side at my finger tips. I could have drained all our finances and been off with a toy boy with 10 minutes notice.

I was also educated to degree level, had worked in my career for over 7 years before I stopped work to have children so could walk out, with or without children, and get a job with a salary that would support us.

I have no idea what DH used his slush account for, nor any desire to know.

I might add we are really close without being joined at the hip.

I have never considered my personal account to be an escape fund I have no desire to escape.

It is my slush fund I can buy DH gifts without him knowing the price, I can buy myself items as and when needed (OK wanted)

Well at least you can read!

🙂 World expert, me.
Especially on things I know nothing about.

Thank you MissAdventure. I'm glad you get it!

But there's people here who have been married for years, too.

It's like asking "Do you go out planning to crap yourself"?
when someone takes spare knickers.

This thread has shown that having or not having a fund has made no difference whatsoever.

Aveline

Grams2five have you actually read all the posts?

Yes. I’d never suggest someone getting married have their own money set aside to make it easier to leave their marriage. To plan for your marriage to end at the start of it. The idea makes me wonder why then get married ? We’ve had joint accounts from day one and will until it ends. Having it not easy to leave forced myself and my own husband to work thru the bumpy years. And I’m so glad for it

NanKate

JoyBloggs what a good memory you have 23 October 1971 was a special day for us both and our DHs. As you say ‘Early Days’ 😀

Jings, you’re practically still on honeymoon!

When we married, I had a current account, and the Bodach had a savings account, so they both became joint, and stayed that way. I never felt the need to have a secret account.
My friend’s husband used to say he wished he had a magic ‘ Family Allowance Book’, as if he ever commented on anything she had bought she would say she bought it with the Family Allowance!
I had our first credit card (Access, which I was sent without asking in the early 70s), then I got another much later, and the Bodach was added as a second card holder, though he would never have dreamt of using it!
He was very much a ‘ cash in hand’ person, and did have a wee stash, from which I often borrowed the odd fiver.

I kept my own bank account open when we married and we then had a joint bank account.
Never occurred to me to close my own account and I'm jolly glad I didn't, despite a happy ongoing marriage.

In short, no. If I wanted out, no man would stop me!