I’m on the other side of this

You’re going the right way to cause one humongous rift between you and your mother in law.
2 more English sayings for you to ponder.
A still tongue makes a wise head.
Least said, soonest mended.
For more detail of the above, use your search engine.

I didn’t understand your last comment.
It is a well known saying in the UK probably coined by older women who realise that whilst they still have a close relationship with their adult daughters, especially once they themselves become mothers, it is not quite the same with their sons once they marry.
As someone who is recently widowed, both my son and my son-in- law have stepped up their contact with me, offering help and practical support.

I am sad that you feel aggrieved by your mother-in-law’s behaviour. Honestly, life is too short to harbour grievances, especially over money. You are coming across as not just surprised and upset by an action and words you don’t fully understand but wanting to make more trouble over it. It really isn’t worth it.

Also I find the saying a son is a son until he takes a wife a very sexist saying why isn’t it applied to both sons and daughters? It must have been started by a very bitter DIl that her son started putting his wife before her as he should.

welbeck

it is a well known saying, of ancient origin, at least in britain.
your son's a son until he takes him a wife, but
your daughter's your daughter all of her life.
it just reflects observed reality.
i think it normally applies to the relationship with the mother and her grown son/daughter.

I don’t get what it means though? Like the implications behind it? And how does my particular post apply to the expression?

it is a well known saying, of ancient origin, at least in britain.
your son's a son until he takes him a wife, but
your daughter's your daughter all of her life.
it just reflects observed reality.
i think it normally applies to the relationship with the mother and her grown son/daughter.

Allsorts

I can understand family rifts more now after being on here, thank goodness I've had a lovely one, me and nh filmgoer in find, I respect boundaries and Knut she tajes rigidity, fine with that.. Poster has and had a good relationship with mil for years, yet this one thing, she couldn't bring herself to mention it to mil, how come? It's smacks to me of looking for a problem that isnt there. She's Dil, he's her son,it's a one off. Think the saying a son is yours until get takes a wife very true in many cases. Isn't there enough troubles in life to worry about than a mom making a generous, one off gesture to her son. Some mil can be dragons.

This “one off gesture” was given just to him and with strings attached and the gift was given with strings and my husband was told in a round about way to not spend it on me his own wife for crying out loud! My MIL could have treated my husband without excluding me. She chose the exclusionary route. She could have presented the check to my husband and said a number of other things that weren’t exclusionary in nature such as, “hey son take this money for a date night for you and your wife.” Or, “put it towards a vacation for you and your wife.”

And yes when I just clarified with my husband he said his mom told him to use it purely for himself. Again she could have treated her son and given fun money without excluding his own wife.

We both contribute in different ways to the house hold so it definitely reads as if he is deserving of a little fun money because he works hard where as I’m overlooked and like my contributions aren’t seen as important. Why is he deserving and I’m not? Doesn’t my hard work and contributions matter as well?

Also what do you mean by a son is a son until he takes a wife. Sounds like an expression made up by a bitter mother who can’t except her son is grown and has a family of her own and that his wife now comes first and that he isn’t a little boy anymore.

I never heard the expression before though so can you please clarify what it means?

Allsorts

I can understand family rifts more now after being on here, thank goodness I've had a lovely one, me and nh filmgoer in find, I respect boundaries and Knut she tajes rigidity, fine with that.. Poster has and had a good relationship with mil for years, yet this one thing, she couldn't bring herself to mention it to mil, how come? It's smacks to me of looking for a problem that isnt there. She's Dil, he's her son,it's a one off. Think the saying a son is yours until get takes a wife very true in many cases. Isn't there enough troubles in life to worry about than a mom making a generous, one off gesture to her son. Some mil can be dragons.

I’m not trying to be rude or snarky in the least but I couldn’t understand half the words in your post. All I could really make out is that a son is a son until he takes a wife do you mind clarifying what you mean by that? And the rest of your post. It could be a language barrier but I just want to make sure I’m understand you correctly.

Far to much drama over a tiny little thing. For all you know, she may intend to give you money to yourself sometime in the future. She sounds a kind lady.

No, not jealous, childish or petulant. She just comes across as someone upset. We’re all inclined to be a little paranoid or irrational when something upsetting happens. It might seem to others that the cause is a trivial one, but it just catches us at the wrong moment.

Another typo, should read me and my dil, not me and mh film goer.

I can understand family rifts more now after being on here, thank goodness I've had a lovely one, me and nh filmgoer in find, I respect boundaries and Knut she tajes rigidity, fine with that.. Poster has and had a good relationship with mil for years, yet this one thing, she couldn't bring herself to mention it to mil, how come? It's smacks to me of looking for a problem that isnt there. She's Dil, he's her son,it's a one off. Think the saying a son is yours until get takes a wife very true in many cases. Isn't there enough troubles in life to worry about than a mom making a generous, one off gesture to her son. Some mil can be dragons.

I think it’s all down to the relationship between husband and wife. As long as he tells her about the gift, and they maybe have a bit of a laugh about his mother spoiling him, and treating him as if he’s about eight, then nothing else needs doing.
I do know that it’s irritating though.

and petulant

You’re not answering the question. We don’t know what was said to your husband when the gift was given, nor why the gift was given, but you don’t come across as someone who has a great relationship with her mother in law when you make so much fuss about so little. You come across as jealous and childish.

luckycharmsaregreat12

Oopsadaisy1

Maybe your DH told his Mum that he really wanted something but that he didn’t feel the money could be spared from your joint account?
I would ask your MIL.

I mean my husband isn’t the type of guy to complain about me behind my back and discuss our personal finances. If he felt like he couldn’t spend money from our own account and he couldn’t discuss that with his own wife and instead ran to his mother with personal marital issues isn’t that a much bigger marital problem or at least a sign of it in and of itself?

You know what Mothers are like, it could have been a passing remark about a James Bond film ‘ well Mum I’d love to go out and buy a jet ski too, but you know I couldn’t afford it’ and off she goes and gives him some money. Meanwhile he’s wondering what it was that he said that would be the reason for the gift.
I think you are reading far too much into it.

Germanshepherdsmum

We have yet to hear what she said, as opposed to your interpretation of what she said. $250 is not a lot of money, given that you are both working full time. What a lot of fuss you’re making - you seem to want to make trouble and are acting like a jealous child.

Wait weren’t you one of the posters in the other post who said it was out of line for the MIL to exclude her DIL? Now when someone is on the other side it’s all of a sudden wrong for them to have feelings about it??

You do seem to be digging a hole for yourself. Let it go. It is not worth the fall out.

We have yet to hear what she said, as opposed to your interpretation of what she said. $250 is not a lot of money, given that you are both working full time. What a lot of fuss you’re making - you seem to want to make trouble and are acting like a jealous child.

Cabbie21

My late husband’s mother often gave him money. I thought nothing of it. She can give her money to whoever she likes. No need to take offence or make an issue out of it.

I have been pondering this since the previous poster.
I think this may be a case of different traditions in different families or maybe it’s a generational thing. As I recall, my grandparents on both sides were each more generous to their own offspring than to their SiLs and DiLs. My parents perpetuated this approach and I think my husband did too.

Mind you, when you have steps and unmarried partners in the mix it gets complicated.

Right she can give money to whoever she likes but it’s not necessary to essentially say not to spend it on your wife or how to spend the money. Once it’s given as a gift it’s up to the receiver to determine how to spend it otherwise that means it’s a gift with strings which is not really a gift at all.

My late husband’s mother often gave him money. I thought nothing of it. She can give her money to whoever she likes. No need to take offence or make an issue out of it.

I have been pondering this since the previous poster.
I think this may be a case of different traditions in different families or maybe it’s a generational thing. As I recall, my grandparents on both sides were each more generous to their own offspring than to their SiLs and DiLs. My parents perpetuated this approach and I think my husband did too.

Mind you, when you have steps and unmarried partners in the mix it gets complicated.

You do seem to be wanting to make this a huge issue with your m.i.l. luckycharmsaregreat. Maybe you should be asking yourself why you feel the need to fall out with your her when all you have to do is tell her calmly and politely how you feel,.

So now we've gone from having a beloved MIL to whom you're close, sometimes go out to lunch, phone about once a week and have a relationship with her independent of your husband’s relationship to the monetary gift being because you don't deserve it, she sees you as less than, she gave the money in secret (did your husband actually tell you that?) and she's undermining our marriage. That's some dramatic shift change! And all before you've actually had a conversation with her! Wouldn't it be interesting if she was just waiting for your next 1:1 meet up to surprise you with your $250 secret gift and before she got the chance to give it to you, you'd blasted her out for undermining your marriage!

It’s very annoying, I completely get that, but as long as your husband has told you about it, and isn’t actually sneaking off to buy himself a season ticket to his football team, or a set of golf clubs, I’d be inclined to let it go
My mother in law was massively annoying in this way, but was generally a good person, she did care about us all, she just cared for him a little bit extra.

I mean my husband isn’t the type of guy to complain about me behind my back and discuss our personal finances.

Why are you jumping to the conclusion that your husband was complaining about you behind your back? Do you usually suffer from paranoia? Maybe it wasn't like that at all. Maybe, whilst they were out, your husband saw something he liked and casually mentioned that he liked it but wouldn't buy it and his mum thought that she'd like him to have it. Maybe there was no malice or spite behind this at all which, considering that you've already confirmed you've enjoyed a very good relationship with her so far, seems likely. Sheesh! Just talk to the woman and listen to what she has to say!

It’s amazing how I’m the one who wants to make trouble yet my mil is the one coming in between my spouse and I between just gifting him money. She had to know that would upset me.