DIL is hurt According to my Son

that's the spirit. maybe ask their forgiveness by saying you are used to being a mother, but only beginning to get the hang of being a MIL.

Clearly the reason matters to my DIl and she feels hurt by it and since my dil’s feelings matter to me I am going to get her something as well and apologize and moving forward gift it to both of them

Spot on welbeck I can't add anything to that.

Ok so I am going to FaceTime both my son and DIl tonight and apologize for any misunderstanding and be sure to gift together moving forward. I hate that I hurt my DIl and don’t want to make it look like I’m acknowledging all my son’s hard work and not here or like my son is the only one who matters and not her

OP, you sound like you are trying to win an arguement, looking for a gotcha ! moment, rather than accepting the fact that you have upset DIL and your son.
you have to eat humble pie, and show your respect for them by accepting their feelings, as reported by them, and apologising.
basically, a change of attitude is needed.
this is esp imp as you may well have another 2 DILs yet.
learn as you go.
good luck.

rafichagran

I agree with the OP,if she wants to treat her son she can do so. I treat my daughter and son sometimes and not their partners, and the partners would not expect it.
What is it these days with people being hurt about things like that, the wife is looking to be offended. It's tiresome and time consuming having to think things through before doing something nice in case it offends.
I am lucky my adult son and daughter have partners who are grown ups.
I don't overthink and neither do they, we just get on with it, works for us and there is no angst or stress. Do not apologise OP, you have no reason too.

I was thinking more along your lines as well originally but I can see other PPs points of specifically telling my son to just spend it on himself is hurtful to his wife and basically can come across even though I didn’t mean it to as your wife doesn’t matter don’t spend it on her.

I also don’t want it to come across as I am treating my son like an infant or a little boy. Yes my son works hard and my DIl has to make her own sacrifices as well on top of it.

At the same time my relationship with my own child is always going to be different than the relationship with my DIl. Doesn’t mean I don’t love my DIL just that I want to treat my child sometimes.

I always had a great and inclusive relationship with my DIl and now she is being cold and frosty to me and since we have always been close should I reach out to her? I’m hurt by her lack of communication. If she ends up reaching out to me saying she is hurt what should i say?

What is your son and or DIl expressed hurt over that? Also I’m sure you don’t always exclude your DIl I’m sure at least I hope you would include her sometimes. I always include my son’s wife I just wanted to do something for just him one time.

I do find it telling you say that you specifically mention when you gift your son you purposely gift him something that isn’t cash so only he uses it. I actually find that a little off putting to your DIl. Is it really that bad if your DIl benefits as well? Is there a history between you and your DIl? Plus your son helping you out in sure is cutting into their time as a married couple surely she should be appreciated for her part in it as well and not overlooked

I would go out for lunch with just my daughter but if giving a cheque it would be for them as a couple. I certainly would not have specified that it was just for your son, they must be wondering why you did that.

What’s your reason for not opening up your family tradition to your son’s so? Not saying you should but maybe I can use that explanation for my dil

So you think I have the right to gift just to my son and not together as a married unit even though it’s money? How should I address that to my DIL since my son confirmed she is hurt by that and wonders why she wasn’t included as his wife and as my DIL? And my DIl is acting hurt as well?

What’s your reason for not treating your DIL as well? If your son is helping you out and taking time away from his marriage doesn’t she deserve a little something from her MiL as well?

What if your found out your DIl was hurt by this? Would you acknowledge her as well?

I agree, on a personal level, raficha, but the OP is dealing with what she sees as an actual problem because her world hasn't worked like that. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I do not want to cling to my son and I always buy the new football shirt of his team every August as a Chistmas present, they are expensive, and I don't include my sons partner, she is pleased I do it as it is a family tradition.
I don't see alot of my son as I am South and he is way up North,we don't text everyday either. We have no problems about what we give to each other.
I also treat them as grown ups and individuals not as a unit. It does not matter why this Mother gave the check for her son only, she has that right and the reason is hers.

I wonder if the son thought his wife was deliberately being excluded? He could, after all, just have paid the cheque into a bank account, spent it on his wife and himself, and said it was a gift from his mum if wife asked him about it.

I frequently buy my son gifts, as he does a great deal for me. I don't buy his wife something to keep things equal. The reason I buy something I know he wants avoids cash or cheques disappearing into the household budget. I certainly don't think I still own him, not sure I ever did but it demonstrates how much I appreciate him.

Why reward an adult for doing something that is sometimes expected of them?

We all have to work hard and long hours - it is part of life

Why a check?
It is a weird reward as if the couple may not have enough money he can spend on himself without his wife's approval, a very suspicious reward based on the couple's financial situation?

I agree with the comments from pp about the impact of those work hours on the dil

Have you ever sent your dil a cheque to say how much you appreciate the way she works hard? I can see why she felt hurt. Maybe she, too, thought you both had a great relationship and now realises that you don't think of her in the same way as you do your son. I agree with an earlier poster. Apologise unreservedly. I wouldn't ask her if she wanted to go out for lunch or something. It might look as if you felt you ought to include her in something.

Perhaps you meant you and your long term boyfriend? If so apologies but I read it as I said.

I think that mothers treating their sons without including their spouses shows that they are trying to cling on to a relationship which has changed on marriage. Trying to keep a part of them. Cabbie having a meal with her son is very different to sending your son a cheque for you to spend on just yourself dear. You have excluded your daughter in law from the special treat you feel your son alone deserves and treated him as a little boy who should have a reward from Mummy. Stop considering that you still own him or you will be on the road to estrangement.

I agree with the OP,if she wants to treat her son she can do so. I treat my daughter and son sometimes and not their partners, and the partners would not expect it.
What is it these days with people being hurt about things like that, the wife is looking to be offended. It's tiresome and time consuming having to think things through before doing something nice in case it offends.
I am lucky my adult son and daughter have partners who are grown ups.
I don't overthink and neither do they, we just get on with it, works for us and there is no angst or stress. Do not apologise OP, you have no reason too.

In short, learn from your mistake.

What you did clearly was wrong on this occasion because it offended your dil even if you didn't mean it to.

Stop thinking about "your rights" with regard to your son. That's obviously, given the result this time, going to cause problems. Wouldn't you rather avoid that?

It doesn't matter whether dil is 'right' or 'wrong' on this. What matters is that she felt excluded. Whether she should have felt excluded is beside the point.

So, yes, treat them as a unit.

They ARE a unit. Stop treating him individually. If you want to get him something, give it to them both. Giving his wife a gift is also giving him a gift in the sense that it makes the woman he loves happy?

What do you mean by my DIl isn’t my long term bf? I never said she was…

I see everyone’s point that I should treat them equally and that my son is married. I will apologize to both my son and DIl and say I had no malicious intent with the check just wanting to do something nice for my son and then offer to treat my DIl to lunch or dinner one day soon if she would like to do that. I don’t want to ruin the great relationship I have with my DIL

So you agree it’s ok to just give my son a check just for him once in a while? Or to do things just for him as an individual? I don’t always have to treat them like a unit?

Or do you do something special for your DIL too? And treat them equal and believe that if you do for your son you should do for your DIL?