Relationship advice needed please

I had a friend whose son was married to a french woman, she was very close to her family and has now moved back to France with the grandchildren.. In your position I would concentrate on having a harmonious relationship with your DIL and DS.. then maybe you might also be invited to France, and especially if they ever moved over there, you would still be invited.

To the poster, there is little you can do, keep busy and exoect nothing. I would issue invitations them, perhaps asking if they'd would like to one to lunch ppppat a time convenient for them, 'askwe are lways pleased to help out in anyway, just ask and leave it at that.
Aven, so sorry you don't get to see your family. Not a nice situation. I can think of little you can do, just make a better life for yourself as you deserve it.
I wish certain poster were not so caustic in their replies, it can cause hurt and offence.
Ll

Lauren59

silverlining48

Ignore thread police newnana.
Post away.
I am maternal gran with similar situation so understand how upsetting this can be.

Thank you for posting what I was thinking. It doesn’t take much effort to be kind or be silent!

... quite!

The OP is looking for advice which, of course, can vary but I'd imagine she didn't expect an interrogation!

NewNana2

Cool your heels - 4 months in is a very short time to establish a completely different way of life as parents.

Just give them some space for a while. When they return home from wherever they've been, be ready to leave almost immediately - your understanding will be appreciated and eventually when the new baby 'novelty' has worn off I'm sure they will be more accommodating.

Tilly8 I agree, it’s the existing relationships that inform contact between family members once babies arrive.
It’s positive to see sons being named as involved - usually these threads result in daughters in law being seen as responsible if paternal grandparents feel ‘left out’

No, Tilly. It is always good to hear another point of view. I have to admit that I didn’t want mothers and/ or MILs around me much when I had very small babies. Best solution was to emigrate ! 😄

Iam64

The point I was trying to make is that in this thread son’s are being particularly slated as the ones responsible for lack of contact - this isn’t always the case.
Also as others have mentioned relationships have to be cared for and tended long before GC arrive.
Sorry if this point of view has upset anybody.

You are very lucky Tilly8

The baby is 4 months. 4 months. Not 4 years old, not even 2 or 3 years old. 4 months old and already there is an expectation to take everyone else’s needs and wants into consideration as this young family is trying to navigate their new life. Reading all of these comments from other self-centered “older” women about how you need to sit them down and talk to them about your feelings is a bit disheartening. Do any of you realize or care that maybe right now this young mum is in a vulnerable place being postpartum? That she doesn’t need extra pressure to split her baby like some Old Testament story? Were you not also once young mums? How would any of you have felt if while adjusting to this new life you had someone whinging about you seeing your own family? 4 months old and we have monitoring and comparing of how much time a new young mum spends with her own mother. This emotional neediness needs to be curbed when others are going through transitional phases in life. Our children need and deserve the space to grow into their new roles as parents. They aren’t thoughtless just because your emotional needs aren’t their priority during these early parenting days. Self-reflect here. If the dog sitting is too much, say no. But please don’t make a big deal about DIL spending time with her family. Remember that the baby is 4 months. 4 months.

I thought that this was a site where people could get advice, speak to ‘friends’ , feel sad, mad or even bad. How unkind some gransnetters are! Anyway, I agree with those who are saying … Tell them. It’s the best way and let us know how you get on. There are some nice people on here who will always listen .

I think you’ll find it happens a lot that daughters tend to see their parents more. Perhaps they don’t jell the same with in-laws. I found this with my in-laws.

1) Two and a half hours is a jaunt! You can’t just casually have frequent lunches, contact with your son, DIL and Baby. These trips need to be planned ahead.
2) First Baby… new mothers will always want their own mother’s first for help, reassurance.
3) Try this when dog sitting - when they come to retrieve dog, negotiate in a nice way that you get to see the Baby at that time, long enough to hold and cuddle…1/2 to one hr before they take off.
4) Take a picture with Baby and put it in a frame so you can see it every day.
4.5) Maybe for first birthday there will be a party for all to get together. 😃
5) Don’t fret too much. In time things will work out. If by one year things have not changed, talk to your son. It’s good to let your honest feelings be shared. Son has got his mind elsewhere these days if you don’t speak up. This isn’t a competition with other grandparents.
Good luck!
USA Gundy

the other side of the coin
What point are you trying to make?

After reading these threads I feel we are very fortunate with our son, daughter and in laws. But we have always been close well before GC. In fact they both had trouble conceiving so we thought we would never have any grandchildren. We now have a two year old (son’s) and a 7 month old (daughter’s). We have all always met up regularly for meals and days out and have at least one holiday a year all together. Just this afternoon daughter text to ask if we were open for coffee. Son saw the text on the family WhatsApp and decided to come over and join us. Both brought their children 😁. I am very grateful and appreciate that they make this effort to see us as both work full time with demanding jobs. I feel for GP’s struggling to see their GC but just felt I should show the other side of the coin.

Thank you for the laugh Hithere.

I was wondering if your DIL is on maternity leave and so is taking advantage of that to visit her parents more often? If so things may change when she goes back to work. Try not to be jealous of the other GPs, you may think it doesn't show, but it does.

When people have a 4 month old they are exhausted,
recovering from all the changes,especially as people have children later they are more set in their ways.Just stick with it things will probably change as the little one gets nearer a year old,then if they have another they will be delighted with the help.

Sasta

Thank you for your compulsion

silverlining48

Ignore thread police newnana.
Post away.
I am maternal gran with similar situation so understand how upsetting this can be.

Thank you for posting what I was thinking. It doesn’t take much effort to be kind or be silent!

I'm going through this with my 3 sons. My grandchildren spend a lot more time with dils family as they live a bit closer (20mins compared to our 45mins). They stay over regularly but we have never had them. I am a retired childcare worker but that doesn't seem to count. I love all my family very much and have helped all my boys out when they got into money troubles when they were young. Every now and then I have a good cry, but I don't want to say anything as my eldest son stopped speaking to me when I pointed out we never got our grandchildren to stay over. It's been 7 years and I haven't seen his children, so I don't want to loose contact with the rest of my sons and families.
Thanks for listening, it's so good to get this out of my system. X

Hithere

May I ask why yet you open another qith same concerns?

What has changed since opened past threads?

I feel compelled to note Hithere, that your comments are, in the main rather unhelpful, and often acerbic. I don’t imagine you intend to be unkind, but that’s how it appears, to me at least. So what if the OP has posted a similar question already? She clearly hasn’t found a resolution yet and is asking for more support; if it irritates you, you could just ignore it.

OK, this is most definitely NOT meant as serious advice - As I read through the posts what sprang to mind was how much I’d like to send a birthday/ Xmas card to their dog which clearly stated “Happy Xxxx to my darling grandchild” Yes, you shouldn’t do it but it would certainly get the message over! OP you genuinely have my sympathy. I would be very hurt in your position. 🥰

Not necessarily
I have an amazing relationship with my DiL
In fact my DS and DIL have just moved with my GS to be closer to me and not to her own parents. I guess I’m very fortunate!

The reality is that the mother of the child is usually much closer to her own mother and the son's family can get a bit sidelined. The new mother of a baby is definitely in the driving seat in the early times. It's been mentioned lots of times here and I have also seen it in life. The father can get a bit sidelined for a while as the new mum tries to get to grips with her new situation with the baby. Both new parents will be sleep deprived and exhausted!

The baby is still young and the mother is probably still a bit overprotective and nervous and it's natural for her to see her own mother as her support... they have known each other all their lives.... you are a fairly new person in her life, no matter how nice and helpful you are.

But don't despair, the novelty and initial anxiety will wear off and she will ease up in time. A toddler is hard, hard work and you may come into your own later on... when they will be delighted with any and all help offered.

Try not to be hurt or angry as this will be felt by all concerned. Just keep on trying to get some space in the situation and say you'd like more contact if possible, and be cheerful when with them.

And equally you have rights here and can take charge of the situation with the dog. If you don't want to look after it, say so. Don't feel put upon and then resentful.

Having expectations of others that they can't fulfil only makes us unhappy!

It's a challenging new situation for you all and yes, not easy for you. It will get better!

Unless you tell them how you are feeling nothing will ever change.

In your position I would certainly not be available every time they need a dog sitter, let them suffer the inconvenience of having to research and book kennels - sounds harsh, I know but whilst ever you keep stepping up they will always walk over you.

Make a point of talking to them and explain how they make you feel by planning such detailed visits to France but nothing for you. They are not mind readers, they're simply inconsiderate individuals. Time you took control of your life

I have sisters who said they did not want to have children. They live hundreds of miles away and often rang up with their words of wisdom how to be a parent. I was often astounded by their knowledge based on nothing what so ever to do with the concept of family. Beside our parents and their siblings they didn’t have in-laws either as they chose single lives

Having chosen a child free life does not obviate the ability to see that a "family" situation with both parents working and juggling jobs/life admin and young DCs can be a pretty fraught lifestyle without extra social demands from distant relatives.