One way friendships advise please

Yesterday , I was just returning from my big shop having had literally no sleep the night before as my father is unwell again .

I longed for some tea , pain killers and the sofa .
My heart sank - there was my totally engrossed friend crossing the road to talk at me .

Predictably , she launched into the usual non stop conversation about herself - almost word for word from her occasional texts .

I must have said three times I really can't stop -my father will need my attention and it fell on deaf ears .

A final promise of a catch up ( now into the into a year ) and she finally left .
I don't want to meet up .
It's not enjoyable .
Soon the birthday hints will begin .

I blame myself for allowing this hopeless relationship drag on for three years ....

I have realised I no longer have any friends as such, but I have long term friends living at a distance, though we rarely meet up. When we do, there is no gap, we pick up easily from where we left off. I have acquaintances, mainly from local choirs, but we scarcely socialise, and recently I haven’t felt I had anyone apart from family, who are all busy working, that I can call upon in times of need. It is hard to get beyond the acquaintance stage, especially when other commitments mean it tends to be spur of the moment that works best.

March1, you say some people don't want to form friendships and are happier alone. I'm just like that, but, in addition (or maybe because) I really don't know how to be friends.

In a set situation, like work, study, community projects etc. I love the company and being friends seems easy. I'm happy to meet for a chat as well, often talking to other dog walkers or neighbours.

However, here at home, I'm reluctant to invite people - as it's my little sanctuary. I'm a terrible host, don't know what to do, say, cook or provide - just lost really.

Family and my one long-term friend just visit and I feel comfortable with them. I can be my real, awkward, unreliable self and that's enough.

Therefore, I tend to reject invitations to other's homes - as I don't want to return the favour. I'll suggest going out instead.

I don't tend to contact people, either, not wanting to impose or bother them. I wish there was a place I could go, just drop in when it suits me, when I'm feeling sociable.

My friend often pops into her local pub for lunch, on her own. I wish I had the confidence to do that.

Sara1954

Dottygran
Similar situation, we met at college, became close friends, shared flats, I was her bridesmaid, we are godmothers to each others children.
The years go by. We live about thirty miles apart, I regularly visit with my children, and I regularly arrange weekends together as families.
About ten years ago she seemed to withdraw a bit, I persisted, then a situation arose where they went into rented accommodation while their house was being finished, and she said she would let me know when they got into their new home.
Never heard another word. I now feel, looking back, that if I hadn’t kept persisting the friendship wouldn’t have survived past college.
I could find her, it wouldn’t be difficult, but I’m done.

Similar to me. I had a friend from abroad at uni and I was always inviting her home etc and she became my child's godmother. She then married up and her husband was in a high position and she started to move around in the higher echalons and became quite snobbish. After 35 years I felt she looked down on me as she became very twee and had all sorts of soirees at home etc. I could not be bothered anymore with all her inconsequential small talk. She had changed. Great not having to worry whether she approves of me or not anymore.

Dottygran
Similar situation, we met at college, became close friends, shared flats, I was her bridesmaid, we are godmothers to each others children.
The years go by. We live about thirty miles apart, I regularly visit with my children, and I regularly arrange weekends together as families.
About ten years ago she seemed to withdraw a bit, I persisted, then a situation arose where they went into rented accommodation while their house was being finished, and she said she would let me know when they got into their new home.
Never heard another word. I now feel, looking back, that if I hadn’t kept persisting the friendship wouldn’t have survived past college.
I could find her, it wouldn’t be difficult, but I’m done.

I met one of my friends when our children were at nursery together and often feel that I put in most of the effort with our relationship. She rarely responds straight away to texts, it can be days, and rarely answers her phone but will eventually call me back or text. She often cancels arrangements too. However I am mindful that she suffers with anxiety which at times over the years has been so bad that she just can’t bring herself to leave the house and I think it’s easier for her to say she doesn’t feel well eg migraine rather than admit she just can’t face going to a crowded cafe or restaurant. When we do meet up we always chat for hours and put the world to rights. I enjoy her company and I know from cards and letters that she has sent me over the years that she appreciates my friendship and admits that sometimes she is, in her words, “ a rubbish friend “. It’s not always obvious why friendships seem to be one sided, but it is kind to give the benefit of the doubt and if you are getting something out of the friendship then it is worth it.

Honest not hotness der !

I only have a very few close friends, they are open, hotness two way friendships. Several years ago I cut a “friend” out of my life after decades of “one way friendships” Let the friendship go as not a true friend

I have gradually lost contact with quite a few friends since moving. I found it was me doing all the contacting. Now it's birthday and Christmas cards only,it still bothers me.
I have found more friendship and friendly advice on Gransnet than I have ever had with Mussolini my neighbour I now just keep clear. The big joke is she does not like us touching her wall which has a seat in it and the seat is on our side. It is thick with Ivy which she hints for DH to clear I just smile and go with the flow. If YOU have to work at it or put all the effort in is it a friendship worth preserving?

Friends are the people who are not family but are the ones you want to share good news with, and sometimes sad news. They make you feel better for having spoken to them.
It does not matter how often you meet up. If you have a true friendship it will last.

Sometimes friends however a short or longtime you e known them are the people that you KNOW you can depend on, call on and will be there when you call. You may get along famously with someone that you really enjoy the company of……but would you call them or they you ?

I don't expect to get back exactly what I put in to a friendship as everyone is different or has times of stress and struggle

A good friendship can take more distance or less available time

However if it were on every level and a friend gave me 0 thought or effort consistently, I don't think we would be friends

All friendships and relationships operat on a 2 way communication and if you don’t get back what you feel you put it it will gradually wane. True friendships are precious, to the people that reciprocate. I’ve had chronic illness foe 35 years and it has been a struggle at times to maintain some friendships, but I am so glad I managed as I find now, they are all people I know I can count on if I need their help. I’ve just been able to see 2 friends after 16 years!! Despite living near, I just have not been well enough. It was wonderful to meet again, on a strict time scale. Texts have kept my world alive. I wish you well with your decision.

Sometimes people are lazy and they get in the habit of waiting for you - the more proactive person - to make the call
If things feel good when you're together maybe you can carry on like that.
But if there's any other problem step firmly away and concentrate on something better.

I had a very good friend, who I'd know since starting school.
As a teenager, we each had our own circle of friends. She was the sociable type, I was the shy type and didn't have a lot of friends. My friends bullied me at school so I became quite solitary, which I'm totally fine with now in my 60s. For decades Me and my friend would see each other once or twice a year but it was always as though we met regularly. Last year, I lost my friend and I miss her terribly. Having said that, I wouldn't have changed her for the world.

Not that much of a friend,Iv stopped seeing a friend as it was all one way

Friends usually come into your life either for a reason, a season or a lifetime. It should be fairly easy to work out who's who. It is just realising it that seems to be a problem sometimes.

Blood is thicker than water as they say. I have a few close friends and many friendly acquaintances but family are the ones I trust and rely on the most.

I would be interested to hear what everyones definition of friendship is.

I have never had a lot of friends, moved house and job over the years, now retired and frankly elderly, at church, meet several people, but are they friends? what should I expect from a friend, indeed what should I give as a friend.?

When I was 5 years old, in the 1950s, I started primary school and made friends with a girl. We became best friends and went to the same secondary school. She became pregnant at 16 years of age and married. Before I married I went around to see her every couple of weeks. As time moved on I rang her and visited her. When I married she never phoned or came around. Eventually when my two grew up I rang her and made arrangements to go and visit. Every so often I did this until I began to realise she never phoned me and has never visited. I stopped phoning waiting for a call from her which never came. I sent her a Christmas card and said this would be my last card to her. She sent me a frantic letter for my phone number and said she would phone but never has. Thats the end a 68 year friendship. Sad but thats the way it is.

Oops spelling - sympathise !

I sympathesise with you .
I know exactly how you feel .
It happens .
Has something happened which is the last straw ?

After about six plus months :
I'm finally fed up with one of my friends .

I'm tired of texts from her containing a long list of health complaints ( mouth ulcers ) and how busy she is .

Frankly , she isn't as busy as I am .

Not once has she asked me about my considerable health problems - a kidney infection and a fall then gastric flu ,which has left me with severe IBS .

She's let me down over going out .
She's become rude . She sometimes avoids me .
She lies .
She received my Christmas present with bad grace .

And it seems to me that I only hear from her when she wants to sell me something then sends me a text about not hearing from me .

Mobile phones don't lie. I looked at six unanswered texts from me .

I look back on the times that I've gone over to her house with Get Well cards and presents only to find that she's out or not receptive .

Finally, she's noticed that I've cooled off -money owed has been returned and I've been asked directly why I'm not ordering something .

I wish her well for the future and I'm avoiding a row - but I'm giving her the heave ho .

It's very upsetting when you feel that you've invested a lot in a friendship and really cared about someone .

I went through three years of nonsense with another friend for three years .

And it's not happening again .

Please do as I'm doing - walk away and concentrate on friends , who deserve your attention .

I've let two friendships go recently, there's no point of it being one way.

Georgesgran raised the first question following your post… in which way is it one-sided for you? Are you being pursued or the other way? That was not made clear in your original post.

If it’s someone you don’t have any chemistry with or have no interest in but they are persistent, I’d say just politely say you are not available or do not have time to chat over and over again. I think she’ll get the message.

I do know there are people who are starving for friendship. It makes me sad. But you do have to feel a real connection with someone to make it work.

Some people, and I'm one, don't want to form friendships. I don't want to meet up for a meal or arrange a coffee and chat. I'm happier on my own doing my own thing when it suits me. I'm not selfish. I don't think everyone is the same. I put people off gently and kindly, but it's almost as if they won't take no for an answer!