Cultural issues within Mum in law & Daughter in law

"she wants her children to eat healthily and not hear any negative speak. "

Can you give us examples of that

There is nothing wrong with that statement, per se

They need to move asap.
Where does your son stand here?

why are they living in your house.
that's a recipe for disaster.
do you need to give them notice to quit.
do they pay rent.
you need to get your house back to being yours.
good luck.

It’s the classic case of 2 women in the same kitchen, only rarely does it work for long, as they are going to move out soon tolerate her ways as best you can. I’ve has some of it, in the end I moved out - permanently

I would like some examples of what the problem is with food and language here is too please

This is your home and you are well within your rights to give your family a time you need them to move out by.

But I think you need to work on this relationship starting now or once they move out the gulf will get wider

All sorts of alarm bells here. How long have they been living with you 'temporarily' - and why, mainly. How did this come about?

If there is any chance of improving things there needs to be honest and respectful dialogue to sort out your "differences". Your DIL wanting her children to eat healthily is entirely reasonable! Why did that cause a problem? Your DiL not wanting the children to hear "negative speak"! What does that refer to? "Telling off?" "Criticism?" As you mention her wish, I assume whatever it means you regard it negatively? Why does she say you are nice one minute and nasty the next? Is that a reasonable interpretation of your behaviour? Is it because you have got upset at the problems, which is understandable?

It is entirely reasonable to give them a time scale for moving out. But I suggest you set a scene for building bridges as well. I suggest you sit down and analyse honestly for your self why you have reached this point with your DiL. Ask and answer some questions to yourself including answering the questions I asked above. Also, What does your son think of all this? What does your DiL do that makes you feel she wants to organise you? Is it that or is she unhappy about what you do with the children? The food? The way you speak to them?

None of the above is meant as criticism or making assumptions about you or your DiL atall. You dont have to answer questions on GN if you dont want to but to yourself, will hopefully help to find a way forward.

Madgran, your last sentence is a lovely way of putting it

Give her what she wants. Decide when you and your DH want to eat and reserve the kitchen for those times. Leave her to shop for, cook and feed her children at different times. When she is cooking leave the kitchen.
If negative speak is admonishing the children, whenever one misbehaves call her to deal with them.
Make your self a sanctuary somewhere in the house which only you and your DH can enter. Retire there when she gets too much.

I don't see where the cultural issue comes in here, as a Japanese daughter-in-law will still have been brought up to respect her husband's mother and not say the kind of things your DIL has.

So forget her Japanese background.

If she refuses to speak to you, there is little chance of a frank discussion of what in her eyes you did wrong.

I would try to have a conversation with her and your son, preferably without the children around, and say frankly that you are sorry if you offended or hurt your DIL, but you felt that she was trying to run your household for you, which is not something you are prepared to put up with.

On the other hand she does have the right to give her children what she considers healthy food - if she pays for it, but she cannot demand that you have added expenditure to cater for her children ( if this was the issue, which I do not know)

"Negative speak" is not English, so a definition is necessary. If like many modern parents she is opposed to children being told off there is a difficultly, because you like me and most of our generation prefer well-brought up children.

I am sadly afraid you cannot build bridges, but start by saying you are at a loss to know what really has gone wrong, but you are sorry that this very uncomfortable situation has arisen, and you would like to mend it.

At least you and she can probably agree that this has been the worst experience either of you have ever known. It sounds like a nightmare.

Stand fast on your decision that they need to move out, but emphasise that you would like the issues between you and her sorted out before they do leave.

I would say you and your daughter in law and son need to examine your relationship within the home together. Avoiding speaking to you because of a disagreement for over six months is childish and very discourteous, and both of them need reminding firmly that you are doing them a favour by housing them for an indefinite period of time.

The onus is on them to compromise, but you all need to listen to each other and see how you can improve your joint relationship before they leave.

Try to concentrate on when they have gone, how lovely that is going to be and never invite them to stay again.

I think the bottom line here is setting a end-date to this arrangement. It is your house and you shouldn’t be so uncomfortable in it. The details outside of when they will be on their feet to house themselves don’t matter much.

From what you’ve posted neither of you are being unreasonable here. You are not wrong for not wanting to completely change who you are and how you live.

She is not wrong for wanting her children to eat healthy (hopefully she is providing their meals) and not hear “negative” talk, whatever it entails. And no, not telling children off doesn’t mean they aren’t “well brought up”. People parent differently, and those who think their own ways are superior are usually the parents unaware of their own parental failures. Don’t analyze how she is bringing up her children. She is also not wrong for not wanting to force conversations and relationships with you. She is absolutely obligated to be polite. We only need to be respectful to one another.

I’m willing to wager your relationship will improve exponentially when your son and his family get their own place. Multi-generational households are not for everyone. You need and deserve to have peace and comfort in your own home. They deserve the same. Sit down with your son and DIL. Let them know you love them, but they must look to a realistic end to this arrangement. Hang in there! Things will improve if you keep love at the forefront of your mind and heart. And do not feel guilty! Families go through these things when they live on top of each other.

Glorianny

Give her what she wants. Decide when you and your DH want to eat and reserve the kitchen for those times. Leave her to shop for, cook and feed her children at different times. When she is cooking leave the kitchen.
If negative speak is admonishing the children, whenever one misbehaves call her to deal with them.
Make your self a sanctuary somewhere in the house which only you and your DH can enter. Retire there when she gets too much.

Sounds good to me 👍🏻

Brilliant advice from glorianny

If you have different opinions on how to do things in certain areas regarding the children, give her space to parent her way and remove yourself from those situations

Tell yourself that younger generations do things differently and while you believe your style of parenting had good outcomes, there are lots of styles of parenting and many work well even if we don't understand them

I was thinking the same thing grandtante that this doesn't appear to have anything to do with cultural difference.

Great advice Glorianny.