Mum won’t bathe…

My mum really struggled with bathing as she got older. A bath nurse came to help het, but then that got cut back and she just had to manage with a strip wash. She remained friends with her bath nurse, and actually asked her to cone and help her get bathed for my dad’s funeral, but the lady just gave her a good wash instead, as she was just too frail. She was 92.
I guess the OP’s mum is too embarrassed to ask for help or doesn’t want anyone to see her naked. Tricky one.

My mum hated the help, found it so humiliating, and painful too. She hated being so old and dependent, and as said, was totally aware, there was nothing wrong with her brain. She hated being fed too. She was 94 when she turn to the wall and said, don't you dare touch me to the staff, and when I was not there.

As much as it HURTS US, we have no right to impose and force.

I grew up in the 50s and 60 s and a weekly bath ( with water shared by more than one) was very normal. Most houses didn’t even have a bathroom and in some cases just one cold tap in the scullery. I remember it well.

bytheway. I made sure my mom washed everyday but she lived with me she had dementia.

I know of someone who had a family member with Alzheimer's in a home and he refused to shower. But one day a visitor had showered in Old Spice and this triggered a memory for him. So the family brought him bottles of Old Spice after that he showered everyday.

Is there a smell your mom loves something that would trigger a memory from when she was younger? If not take in different scented soaps or shower gels and it might spark a memory for her and she may want to use it. It's just an idea.

My mom loved the smell of roses and lavender so made sure to use them washing here. She also loved vanilla so had vanilla air fresher in her bedroom as it reminded her of when she could bake cakes. 4711 perfume reminded her of her mom .

When I was a kid in the 1950s we had a bath in the tin bath which hung on the backyard wall and a daily strip wash. That was it. Most girls I went to school with were in the same position. Only "posh" people had a bathroom.

You cannot force people to self care if they have capacity and cant be bothered. Ive been tempted to shave all my hair off and just wear a wig because I often cant be bothered with it being down to my waist.

MIL lived with us for the last few years of her life. she didn't have dementia but she was a very private person. In her late 90's it was clear she was struggling to keep herself clean so I tactfully suggested getting someone in to help her have a shower once a week (I knew she wouldn't let me help her). She was extremely reluctant but I invited a recommended helper in to have coffee with her. They were soon chatting away and MIL agreed to have her help. It worked really well and when MIL was in the last few weeks of her life, she came in to help and did the odd night for us. Perhaps the softer approach might work?

Fleurpepper

Primrose53

Fleurpepper

My mum refused to shower, and did NOT have dementia. She was quite clear about her wishes, and said forcing her was akin to abuse, physical and psychological.

Just proves everybody is different.

In my case I knew my Mum would always want to look her best as she had always been like that and I didn’t want dementia robbing her of feeling nice and clean.

It is not easy. My mother was very beautiful, always very well dressed, classy but cool. Hugely intelligent, bright, positive.

But she hated her last few years, legs not working and blind, and wanted out. Not wanting to wash was part of her 'last rebellion'. Very different if someone has dementia or Alzheimers. You can't force someone who has all her head to do something against her wishes. She did have a shower with her carer once a week, and that was that. She was a heavy smoker all her life, and her sense of smell was gone anyhow.

I don't think as daughters we can impose or transpose how we think our mum's would always want to...

At Mum’s care home they did a care plan which included how they would like their final time to be.

It sounds a bit morbid but was actually such a good idea and Mum had exactly the passing she wanted. The Senior Careworker who did it with Mum and I explained that even though Mum was well now and could make decisions, there would be a time when she might not. They therefore recorded her wishes now, filed it away and she need not think of it again.

Mum said she did not want to go to hospital, she wanted me with her, she wanted her favourite music to be playing gently and she wanted to wear clean nighties, have clean sheets, be tucked up warmly, have her hair just so and wear Elizabeth Arden Sunflower perfume!! She got all that and I will be forever grateful and I didn’t have to impose anything on her.

In the UK Primrose? Did she have an assisted death, of did she just decide today was the day, and switched off?

It's quite common for people to say how they want to die while they are still able, fleurpepper. It isn't related to assisted dying.

I took Primrose's post as meaning that the care home talked to their inmates about the unavoidable fact that sooner or later they were going to die, and noted how they would like their final days to be, details such as who would be there when it became inevitable, what medication they would accept and what treatments they didn't want, whether they wanted intravenous feeding or to be left without food, what they would like there surroundings to be, and so on. I didn't immediately think of assisted dying, as Fleurpepper did.

Their, not there.

kittylester

It's quite common for people to say how they want to die while they are still able, fleurpepper. It isn't related to assisted dying.

In the UK, people don't really have the choice, unfortunately. They can say, and hope, but no more. It certainly was for my mother.

This doesn't sound like depression, it sounds like the sort of apathy which often accompanies some forms of dementia. It is a change in her behaviour and conversations with the doctor and other relatives have not succeeded in embarrassing her into it. It's probably worth looking into seeing whether she can attend a day centre on a weekly basis, where they could shower her. Also worth looking on Alzheimer's Society help pages. I appreciate how difficult this must be for you.

Bear in mind her age. My dad was the same but didn't have dementia. He was 90. He was always neat and clean before so I think it might be an age thing.

Would she be all right with having a wash every day? When I was struggling to dry myself after a shower, I started to just have a complete wash every day and that worked. I found getting dried after a shower was so much hard work and I couldn't manage it but a wash is much simpler.

When my ‘dementing’ husband reached this stage I knew it was time for a home…perhaps not so bad when living alone ( apart from health hazard of course) but not to be tolerated by partners! Lack of personal hygiene is a dead give away that she’s letting go! Social workers need involvement now.
I am also worried about a friend who hasn’t bathed or showered for 20 months since her husband died.( he helped her I think) now her son is in denial about it , as is she!!
Even when I pointed out to both that it couldn’t possibly be happening!
When family refuse to acknowledge problem …I just don’t know if it’s my place to inform ‘older persons team’ ! Any advice would be welcome. Sorry…not trying to hijack this thread but problem sounded similar .

She’s not becoming lazy, it’s part of her condition. I’ve experienced it with two relatives, both who had always taken great care of themselves before the dementia. Has she got a bath or a wet room. If she’s got a bath, is it possible to change it to a wet room. She may feel safer and they’re far less hassle than a bath, so she might be more inclined to use it.

Queen Elizabeth 1 is said to have had a bath once a year whether she needed it or no.

My 90 y.o. husband in hospital, told the staff that they were overdoing the washing thing as they had washed those parts the previous day. His skin reacts badly to water and he finds the itching sometimes caused intolerable....... he much prefers to leave his skin alone and does not smell

My first husband was like that after his vascular dementia properly kicked in. He smelt awful. He did maintain his interest in getting out up to the end so the only way I could persuade him to have a shower was to take him out to the pub (where he was much, much better behaved than at home.)

Very common with dementia! My formerly very fastidious mother also ‘couldn’t be bothered’ - I used to visit often, usually staying the night, and would face tears and tantrums if I tried to insist.

A sister who lived a lot further away (and so visited a lot less often) was able to be much tougher, though - ‘You need a shower - you smell!’ (She did) and just ignored the tears and tantrums.
Once my mother eventually moved into her excellent dementia-only care home, she was always clean, with nice clean hair. All the residents were the same - how they managed it I don’t know!

I might add that one of the first signs of dementia in my FiL, was that he often hadn’t bothered to shave and was wearing dirty jumpers - both unheard of before.

And my mum hated the bossy ones, hated them- and rebelled. Who do they think they are- forcing me to do this or the other? Why have I lost the power to make my own choices.

And I agree with her- why should the very elderly be forced, by bossy staff?

A daily shower is not needed, unless you get very dirty or sweaty, like digging holes in roads. The "experts" (see NHS web site), recommend one all over wash (shower/bath) once a week, as excessive washing robs the skin of its natural oils. You do need to wash face, neck, armpits, between the legs and feet every day, but not the rest of you.
Knickers, sock, stockings, vests, Tshirts need changing every day. Bras, blouses and dresses every 2 to 3 days. Trousers, jumpers, cardigans and skirts every 5 to 7 days.
Do not overwash, it is bad for you and the environment, a waste of time, energy and resources.

Try making it a regular treat, go to visit, tell her you've brought some lovely bubble bath, run the bath and tell her it's ready for a lovely soak, put on her favourite music and make sure flat is warm. Try to do.this early morning so it's a normal.time to have a bath when she is getting up, help her choose her clothes for the day and promise her a lovely cuppa afterwards, might just do.the trick. Other than that would she allow outside agency care staff to bathe her, sometimes people with dementia have respect for what they see as authority my mum loved 'the girls' who came to bathe her every morning.

On the wet wipes , they are nicer to use if placed on a radiator for a few minutes. If not in a packet use a plastic bag. Winter isn’t a good season to be stripping off , so that could also be a reason.

The adult wipes are used in palliative care when patient can't be moved. The wipes are large, about the size of a guest hand towel and seem effective. A shower may seem easier, actually surprised a setting where your DM lives has baths. Sensitive cajoling required but you may not win. An independent contact may have more influence.