Need a rant

Its true that the "old" expectations were that families turn up as a "whole", but I do think it has changed, and maybe for the better. Just think of years of Christmas posts saying how the in laws were/are "this and that" and people forcing situations upon themselves..

After reading the posts again I'm thinking, its a dodgy road to possibly make DD feel she has to "choose".

I don't "naturally" get on with DiL. We sort of dont 'get' each other. It makes neither of us happy to force situations especially atm as DS and family are totally full on busy with very disabled daughter and both full time just for a year or so.

So next time I go up its when DiL is away part of the time.

I would love it if we got one early well, as in gaining a daughter, but better to accept things as they are, time may change things if i tread gently.

Surely you enquire about your SiL in a general way?
Just do that in passing and enjoy time with your DD and GDC .

Having thought about this I think you perhaps aren't fully acknowledging the traumas of last year with his own family...

Support your daughter as they are as team now and she will not want to have to choose between her husband and you. Show empathy but don't interfere. If you are close to your daughter and she trusts you are not "out to get him" you could maybe ask her what you can do to support her in order to support him
It seems that he has a lot going on.

Have you mentioned Christmas? I would expect they will want to do that without you so please try not to push your way in there.
Good luck

Sometimes you just don’t click with people and their company is hard work. I doubt you’v e done anything particular, just are different people and he’d prefer to spend his time elsewhere.

Our son’s girlfriend has recently lost her mum abroad. She struggles to spend Christmas with us as she feels guilty enjoying herself. I understand.

I wouldn't mention it. My husband would cheerfully avoid all family gatherings. Some people aren't very sociable. I'm sure he doesn't mean to be rude.

He is a grown adult - he can make choices. I would not feel it is my place to interfere with those. Would you rather he came as a duty and was visibly not enjoying himself? Please enjoy the presence of your DD and GC.

I agree with tickingbird it's obviously causing you some concern Nana56 so talk to your daughter. No need to be confrontational just say you miss seeing your son in law and hope nothing has upset him. It may be the case as others have said that he prefers some time to himself. Nothing wrong with that we are not all social animals.

I always find it really strange when people don’t ask about things. In my opinion it’s rather rude. If I suddenly stopped going to my in laws when I was married I’d expect them to notice and ask why? It’s only natural to ask if you’ve upset someone. It doesn’t have to cause any unpleasantness. How will you ever know if you don’t ask?

A lot of us were brought up to have “happy family time all together”, so I understand your feeling upset. Just keep offering invitations to include all of them. Don’t show you’re upset or say anything if SIL dips out - it is upto him. His loss I’d say. Enjoy time with DD and children. You could casually ask what is sil doing today? Having a break? Doing Jobs? Going for a run? Maybe daughter expects some “me “ time too, away from children & family? Seems quite common nowadays- time on with the children /time off!??

OP

You also ranted about this same issue last July 2021

Why not accept the situation

You seem to have a good relationship with your dd - why isnt that enough?

OP

Please do not mention it to your dd

Her husband is not rude at all - an invitation is not summons

He may have plans for something else, other item more urgent, etc

It doesn't mean at all you have done something to offend him

Enjoy your time with your dd and gc!

My sons in law are often "busy" with something it seems - but actually I know it's nice to feel you can "duck out of things" if you want to so I'm happy that they do show that they care in other ways.

My middle daughter and child came over today for a simple lunch and short visit. Her husband stayed at home. He was apparently "fixing things". It's likely that he was fixing things (the back gate, the front door lock and some shflves in the garage are things i know are on the list) and it's easier to do D.I.Y jobs when you haven't got children "helping". Their daughter (age 3) loves to help and needs to talk through whatever she's helping with! 😂

Try not to read too much into it.

If you are sure It's a problem I'd pick my time and say something like "I've really missed seeing x over the last few months - I do hope he's OK and not having a stressful time at work? " or I've maybe upset him accidentally" - or similar.
Stress is exhausting. He may just be wrung out? Life can be rough.

💐

Apparently younger son in law isn’t keen on family gatherings and could never understand why DD looked forward to seeing everyone. He has a perfect excuse now as they are renovating their house. It’s actual more relaxing when he declines!

Some people just don’t want to do certain things so they stay away. I wouldn’t go into the whys and wherefores, I wouldn’t even take it personally either, sometimes I don’t want to go places, I don’t actually think it’s offensive or rude! Maybe he just likes a bit of time to himself, there could be several reasons that he doesn’t want to go, and maybe it’s not personal to you at all, nothing worse than being told well maybe you should go it could look bad if he really doesn’t want to go

One of our son in laws was an only child and really enjoys family gatherings. The other is also an only child and almost always comes up with an excuse. My daughter sometimes looks a bit sad when her siblings are with their partners but no point in stirring things up.

There are so many reasons this could be happening and most of them may not be to do with you at all...

It's disappointing but try not to worry you have done anything wrong

I would not say anything. For whatever reason, he does not want to come. It could cause unpleasantness if you ask your daughter.

I am not a very sociable person, some family members accept that and do not invite me to events. Others really annoy me when I decline an invitation and they insist on a good reason as to why I don't want to attend.

It is upsetting, but I'd not confront DD with it, I'd say it would be most likely to come out when she's relaxed and ready to confide...have a lovely time with them Nana56

...after all there are some nice things having your DD to yourself too

....and don't assume its something you've done, many mysterious things happen in in law situations, best not to second guess xx

I think I understand it. Nana56 has invited her daughter and son for Sunday lunch. Her daughter is coming with her children, but her husband may not, as he seems to avoid Nana56 and her husband, for a reason they’re not aware of. She doesn’t want to ask her daughter why he avoids them, as this might upset her.

I would just ask her Nana56, then hopefully the situation can be resolved.

explain - not complain!!

I would just enjoy having your DD and the GC with you and let the rest wash by you. It is probably uncomfortable for her so I would not make it more so by asking her to complain.

One of my SILs often ducks out of family meals - I don't think it is any big deal - he just does not do family events very much. Not his scene. He can usually find some DIY that needs doing instead!

He is probably glad to have a couple of hours to himself.. Don’t ask your daughter. It may cause some upset

Oops. Daughter is coming but without her husband.
He used to come with her but over the last few years he's not.
Don't know why and reluctant to ask daughter as don't want to cause upset

I think you need to ask your daughter if he is avoiding you and if so, why. I agree it’s not a comfortable subject to raise over a family lunch, perhaps you could phone her..