Granny offers help, then holds it over us

Hello Mama. You and your H need to set up some boundaries.

I think sometimes declining her offer of help is a good start and also having a fixed time scale. So, when you'd finished packing for your trip and she insisted on keeping him, you could have said 'that's good of you to offer but we need to get going now/have an appointment/something planned o bring him back now please'.

When she's pushing for more time, say you something else you have to do. You need your H to be on board with this too, so if he's there it would be better if he says this to his mum so it isn't always coming from you.

You always thank her so try and let her comments about having done you a favour etc wash over you. She's very lucky that you're so accommodating and she sees so much of her GC. I hope that she's aware of how lucky she is, even if she doesn't show it.

I have to admit to feeling a bit sorry for her. She obviously wants to be wanted and an integral part of your toddler’s life but has a funny way of showing it. It is a difficult relationship at the best of times and she is not helping. Just keep on being nice and loving and tell her you do appreciate her help but sometimes it might not be needed at any particular time. We never had any help from any of the childrens’ grandparents because they all lived in the UK and we lived in Australia and sometimes I used to get a bit teary about it. Look at it that way - at least she is there even if she is ‘there’ too much !

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

As she is your husband's mum, it will be better if he is the one to say something to her when she makes an angry comment.

CanadianGran

If she is offering to watch your little one, and you graciously accept the offer, then I wouldn't go over the top with the thank you's. Pick up your little one at the scheduled time, just say 'hope you had a wonderful time.' or something to that effect.

Another thought - maybe the time she watches little one is too long? Perhaps not leave him for the full day, just a few hours? Maybe it is more tiring than she thinks when she offers, and she is tired out by the end of the day.

I also think your DH needs to say something to his mum.

The timing is definitely an issue. The problem is she is always pushing for more time. 1 hour becomes 3. 3 hours becomes 6. For example, she offered to take him to the playground recently so we could pack for a trip. It took us about an hour to pack, after which time we reached out to say thank you, we are all packed, feel free to bring him back. She insisted on keeping him. When she came back, she told us she did us a “huge favor taking him for 3 hours,” almost with an angry edge. We didn’t ask for the help, but it was helpful to us. At the same time, we were clear that we were finished packing and ready for him to come back after only an hour. I don’t know how to bridge that gap.

silverlining48

Mama2020 I read that you 'can really do with her help ' so replied on that basis, but it appears you are already doing everything you can so all I can do is to wish you all well and hope things can be worked out.

Thank you!

Maybe it would help to schedule this time?

Find out what would work for her on a weekly basis then stick to it?

If she then makes noises about it being too much you could say "we will do something else next week and give you a break"

If she makes noises about seeing them more you set a boundary and say that you are very grateful for her help and support and don't want to overburden her.

If you need a babysitting outside that time, then you could offer a small thank you gift because you would be asking for help then.

Maybe with that firm boundary and a schedule she might get the message over time?

Glorianny

Isn't it possible that your real attitude is showing through all the thanks you give her and she has seen it? So she keeps trying to do more so you will appreciate her more and keeps drawing your attention to what she is doing. Perhaps if you limited her childminding to times when you really need her help you would be more grateful and less resentful and she would feel more valued.

That’s an interesting theory worth thinking about. But if we limited her child minding to when we actually needed it, that would probably be no more than 3-4x per year. I’ve seen many posts on here expressing anger when grandmums feel they are only asked when their adult children want something, rather than it also being for the benefit and enjoyment. I was resistant to her pushes for the first year or so, until my son could express himself. He enjoys his time with her and I’m glad he does. As I said, it’s more so that they can spend time together than it for us as parents. And there is certainly a huge piece of her needing to feel needed.

The more I read advice columns and such, the more I think this is a codependency issue. Unfortunately, I don’t think we are in the position to heal that.

If she is offering to watch your little one, and you graciously accept the offer, then I wouldn't go over the top with the thank you's. Pick up your little one at the scheduled time, just say 'hope you had a wonderful time.' or something to that effect.

Another thought - maybe the time she watches little one is too long? Perhaps not leave him for the full day, just a few hours? Maybe it is more tiring than she thinks when she offers, and she is tired out by the end of the day.

I also think your DH needs to say something to his mum.

Mama2020 I read that you 'can really do with her help ' so replied on that basis, but it appears you are already doing everything you can so all I can do is to wish you all well and hope things can be worked out.

silverlining48

If you are benefitting from her caring for your son then tell her how much you appreciate her help. It Could be she doesn't feel valued for the time she gives, which she offers freely, so she needs to ( probably over) remind you because however enjoyable it may be looking after young grandchildren it is a responsibility and tiring as one ages.

Presumably her help saves you paying a lot fir other childcare and you can be confident that she really loves your children.

I see you thank her but perhaps a small gift sometimes or including her in a family outing now and again will stop these remarks.

Telling her that its you doing her the favour is not helpful. I am sure you can sort this out without upset. Hope this helps.

I read the OP as though the MIL is offering - if someone offered to do something for me and then expected constant praise for doing so, Id happily stop accepting.

To suggest that OP plays into this even more is crazy making to me.

Isn't it possible that your real attitude is showing through all the thanks you give her and she has seen it? So she keeps trying to do more so you will appreciate her more and keeps drawing your attention to what she is doing. Perhaps if you limited her childminding to times when you really need her help you would be more grateful and less resentful and she would feel more valued.

Please do not express gratitude when you do not feel it or it's not needed, it is sending the wrong message to mil

Mama2020

silverlining48

If you are benefitting from her caring for your son then tell her how much you appreciate her help. It Could be she doesn't feel valued for the time she gives, which she offers freely, so she needs to ( probably over) remind you because however enjoyable it may be looking after young grandchildren it is a responsibility and tiring as one ages.

Presumably her help saves you paying a lot fir other childcare and you can be confident that she really loves your children.

I see you thank her but perhaps a small gift sometimes or including her in a family outing now and again will stop these remarks.

Telling her that its you doing her the favour is not helpful. I am sure you can sort this out without upset. Hope this helps.

The childcare she is providing is whenever she offers. We wouldn’t be seeking an outside babysitter in about 90% of these instances. She asks to take him for the day, we oblige and thank her. We see her at least weekly and include her in outings (like the zoo) as often as possible. I’m not sure how much more I can do to express gratitude for something she so frequently offers (or outright pushes for). I’ve never told her that I’m doing her a favor, but in many ways, I’m accepting the offer more for her benefit than ours (which I keep to myself because I think that sounds quite rude).

If 90% of the "care" is superfluous say "no thank you, we're occupied".

You are occupied, or would be, having fun with your toddler. The toddler I assume you conceived for yourself not for a GP.

silverlining48

If you are benefitting from her caring for your son then tell her how much you appreciate her help. It Could be she doesn't feel valued for the time she gives, which she offers freely, so she needs to ( probably over) remind you because however enjoyable it may be looking after young grandchildren it is a responsibility and tiring as one ages.

Presumably her help saves you paying a lot fir other childcare and you can be confident that she really loves your children.

I see you thank her but perhaps a small gift sometimes or including her in a family outing now and again will stop these remarks.

Telling her that its you doing her the favour is not helpful. I am sure you can sort this out without upset. Hope this helps.

The childcare she is providing is whenever she offers. We wouldn’t be seeking an outside babysitter in about 90% of these instances. She asks to take him for the day, we oblige and thank her. We see her at least weekly and include her in outings (like the zoo) as often as possible. I’m not sure how much more I can do to express gratitude for something she so frequently offers (or outright pushes for). I’ve never told her that I’m doing her a favor, but in many ways, I’m accepting the offer more for her benefit than ours (which I keep to myself because I think that sounds quite rude).

If you are benefitting from her caring for your son then tell her how much you appreciate her help. It Could be she doesn't feel valued for the time she gives, which she offers freely, so she needs to ( probably over) remind you because however enjoyable it may be looking after young grandchildren it is a responsibility and tiring as one ages.

Presumably her help saves you paying a lot fir other childcare and you can be confident that she really loves your children.

I see you thank her but perhaps a small gift sometimes or including her in a family outing now and again will stop these remarks.

Telling her that its you doing her the favour is not helpful. I am sure you can sort this out without upset. Hope this helps.

My MIL was like this but always let you down or half let you down at the last moment.
Just stop listening to her and make your own plans.

I'd just decline her offers kindly. Evasively.

Eventually (maybe a year) she will cease asking so often.

I am afraid there might not be words that may influence her reaction

I would have your dh tell her that she may have misunderstood, you and your dh do not need her help and these visits are for her benefit

If she doesnt stop pushing for more and the "you owe me attitude", the visits will be reduced or even removed if a second warning is needed.

I wonder if she realises what she is doing? After she has minded him, thank her and get him to thank her, but if she starts on the guilt trip, just gently ask her 'we really appreciate your help, but please don't imply that we have taken advantage of you, it spoils the experience and makes us reluctant to use your help again. I was under the impression that you enjoyed your time with him, you must let us know if that is not the case?' Honesty definitely the best policy. Communication done gently can prevent a host of problems in the future.

Could your DH say something at the time she makes her 'you owe me' comment, rather than when she offers help?

Something like "Mum, we thought you offered because you like having time with DC. Do you want us to do something for you, in return?"

Can your husband maybe have a word with her and tactfully say that you are happy for her to spend time with your son but you are doing it for her benefit not yours.

Personally, I'd continue to be evasive and avoid her self perceived lack of being appreciated.

*shrug off. Please pardon the typo.