Grandchildren

It is hard on both sides, I think the focus with regard to visiting grandparents has changed for many families. Everyone is so busy with work, kids clubs, sports, parties etc. Sometimes a bit too busy to fit visits in I’m afraid. I know many of us do school runs and babysitting duties now and that sometimes takes the place of ‘visits.

Many of us grew up with the weekend ritual of visiting grandparents (if they lived close enough of course) I used to love going for tea on a Sunday afternoon at my DGP’s but this doesn’t seem to happen so much now, life is very different and much faster paced.
I think the enforced separation we all had during Covid has had a big impact & things haven’t always returned to how they were before with regards to visiting people. .

If I were in your situation I’d try & stop worrying about it, enjoy your time with your DH, go out and do your own thing. Try to accept the situation & look forward to seeing them all every four weeks and just make their visits as pleasant as you can, you can’t do much more than that really.

Instead of getting worked up about something which is quite common - the son's parents seeing less of the grandchildren, when you do see them, make sure everybody has a good time. As the children get older, they will become more keen to see you and may start asking to see you themselves. The mother's parents won't seem so exciting because they see them so much! Just grit your teeth and smile.

Marge195 - feel so sorry for you - really hope you come to a solution, having counselling is a good step forward as it will help you with your acceptance, but honestly I do feel you have lots to give and your grandchildren are missing out.

It sounds a bit harsh to say you’re unreasonable because you’d like to see more of your grandkids, but I do think you’re setting your expectations a bit too high. Try not to dwell on what others seem to have. I know grans on social media whose daughters (usually) never seem to get a minute to themselves with their family, because Granny is always there! My DGC live a long way away, and near to ‘other granny’, I’ve just had to get used to it. I have to say, though, my DS does make sure we speak to the GC regularly on FaceTime, and he talks to them about us. This obviously wouldn’t be the case if they lived nearby.

In practical terms, maybe they’re just disorganised like many young families. I’d definitely speak to my son along the lines of ‘It would be lovely if …’ rather than complaining. I don’t think our DCs can possibly understand our bond with our grandchildren - it’s a very hard thing to describe. I always believed that children had a right to know their grandchildren - both sets - and did everything I could to allow that to happen.

MissAdventure

To me, it totally negates the idea that someone is so upset about it, when they then talk about not seeing their grandchildren at all.

This totally. What would you gain, what would your DS and his partner and your DGC gain from you doing this?

A 1 year old is hard work on its own. Add a 5 year old schoolchild and both parents working, and there is little free time for socialising. I'm sure that you feel resentful that DIL's parents see more of the GC, but you must just accept the way things are, and enjoy your monthly visits. Complaining and questioning could make them less eager to involve you.
In 3 day's time I must leave behind my 2 year old GS and 5 year old GD in Australia, and head back to England. I treasure the 3 months I've spent with them. Heaven knows when, or if, I will visit them again. Even internet contact is difficult because of the time difference and their busy lives. Their other GPs live just down the road, but I don't envy the fact that they have constant access.
With luck, as your GC become older, there will be a little more free time for you to enjoy with them.

It’s unfortunate but a fact of life as a paternal grandparent. It is upsetting and you do
Feel left out. My advice is to text weekly asking if you can do anything to help, or text saying was just thinking about you all, hope your having a lovely day, I’m here if you want a hand or your free for a quick visit. Make the visits nice and keep
Them short. Say I’d love to see you all more but I know how busy it gets, I’m always here though if I can do anything. They may take you up on it. No matter how upsetting it is, don’t cut ties as upset will turn into heartache, you’ll wish you hadn’t. Make a life that you can enjoy, as you’ll be happier and able to cope Better. So basically instead of cut ties and telling them how you feel, try to involve yourself in other ways. It is very hard. Anyone on here saying how awful you are saying that, has never been in this situation and will not know how upsetting it actually is. You hold no cards, so don’t make bad choices as you’ll regret it. Good luck and there are lots of posts about similar, your not alone in how you feel x

Please don't cut ties, I know the situation is difficult and I hope you can sort this out. A grandparents relationship with their grandchildren is precious and special. I haven't seen my grandchildren for 18 months and it's heartbreaking.

My 2 grandchildren ( 3 & 6) live with my son and wife in Japan!
I have seen them twice since they were born pre pandemic. Since then we keep contact on FB Messenger, almost daily with my son wh keeps me informed of ther progress and outings, etc, on occasions with the children themselves, which is often difficult due to time difference, and two children trying to outdo each other for attention! I’m not well enough to travel out there ( and couldn’t yet anyway due to restrictions, his brother has wanted to get out for ages) and they can’t just all travel over here! Money, time and currently travel restrictions,
I am content with the situation I can’t do anything about…I have my own life and business here, and at 76 am in poor health. My son has just left a very well paid job and is now doing a boot camp in another field of work.
My ex remarried some 22 years ago and is constantly complaining of lack of contact and basically due to his general judgemental mode actually drove them away to live in Japan as far away from him as they could get just before the first child was born - he has many many times said “ he is no son of mine”,” I will disown you” etc, etc, whilst at the same time complaining that they have little contact…..
So - enjoy what time you have with the grandchildren, even if it seems too small to you. If you give, without ‘wanting’ - they, and your son will be so much more likely to WANT to do more with you… keep complaining and they may move away or similar… !
Do what others have said- basically get a life without them, the more content you will are in yourselves, the more likely the grandchildren and parents will WANT to see you.
With this current attitude you will lose them completely…!

They are THEIR children and have the right to allow or disallow whomsoever they choose to see them.

Sorry, you won't like this but it's the truth, I did it with my meddling mother.

Cmpne
I don’t think people are being judgmental, I think most of us can see this can only end in a bad way if she persists with this attitude.
Only trying to avert trouble.

I think you are feeling a bit low after having Covid - not surprisingly- lots of brilliant advice - some a little harsh perhaps. I know my own children saw more of my parents than they did my husband’s parents - and I think some of my grandchildren probably see more of my daughter in laws parents. I probably see one lot (ages 12,10,8,6) about once a month- sometimes less depending on what they are doing. The older ones (15,13) perhaps a bit less now that they are at secondary school - but they have phones now so I may text them now and again - they text me too -We keep ourselves busy - I help to run a number of U3A groups - see friends for lunch- go for walks- go on holidays- my husband swims and plays golf - these are just some suggestions- but it is important to still have a life of your own once the birds have flown - good luck - let us know how you get on. ??

If you sever all ties with them you can guarantee you will never see them. You do not have rights when you are grandparents and I would advise not to fall out with the parent if you want to see them at all.

Being a grandparent is a by-product of your adult child's decision to become a parent, so step back and offer advice/assistance/ input when and if it is required and let them raise their children how they as parents want to which may or may not include you.

I find it hard to know whether you are being unreasonable or not, as you haven't given much information.

Most young couples with two children are busy. I assume both work, so the week is taken up with work, fetching and bringing the children to day-care and school, shopping, cooking etc. etc.

Are you sure that what you see as "every excuse under the sun" on your son's part is not seen from his point of view very good reasons for not being able to invite you or accept your invitations more often?

I see a possible explanation in the fact that you found it necessary to tell us that your son is not married to his children's mother - does the couple feel you are critical of this? If so, in their place, I too would limit the time spent with you.

My parents were critical of my choice of husband - this did not make me overjoyed to see them, I can tell you.

Frankly, if you want the situation to improve, you do nothing right now, except possibly invite them less often, or listen properly to what your son is saying to you.

If you stop having contact now, I am much afraid you will find there is no road back.

Our children just don’t love us as much as we love them. It’s life. Also as the paternal grandparents, you won’t be first in line. Her parents come first, then you. If they have a dog, you may even come after the dog.
I think that you just have to grit your teeth and don’t dwell on the situation as life is extremely short. There is so much to enjoy yourself in life when you are safe and secure and in reasonable physical condition. . You are torturing yourself . It’s most likely than not your DIl doesn’t like you much, for absolutely no reason. If your son won’t stick up for you, there is not much you can do.
Book a cruise, join U3A, or The Rotary, that will keep you busy and stop you focusing on not seeing enough of your GC.
You have my utmost sympathy as life isn’t fair, so

I had 2 sets of grandparents, both lived the same distance away. One set insisted on seeing us all the time, being involved in everything, expecting to be invited regularly to the detriment of what my parents wanted to do with us, but it was just easier to go along with it because the sulking was awful, the other set of grandparents came to see us when invited or invited us over for specific reasons. We never missed a party or sleepover or had to detour to see the second set ..... Guess which we saw more of as we grew up. The ones who accepted we as a family were busy, and enjoyed the time we spent together, not the ones who were "needly".

You know that you are there in the background if and when they need you, let them love you for that rather than resent you for being pushy.

Could you message and just ask about their day rather than "when will we see you"? I set up a WhatsApp family group which has made a huge difference ... People can pop a quick pic on so you are still involved and can see how the grandchildren are, the decision to phone/ visit is a tough one after a busy week!

Once a month is perfectly reasonable. Enjoy the time when you see them. Make use of your time with your own interests. Don't be clingy.

I dont think it is the amount of love that parent- AC have for each other is different

There are many ways to show the love - and how it is perceived on the other end

For example: parents may think an AC loves them if they call 2x/week, spends Sundays as a family, go on vacation every year...

For the AC - calling his/her parents is 2x month, one Sunday a month, a yearly weekend is enough

It doesnt mean AC love their parents less than parents love their AC, their wants for relationship are different

As a child we never went anywhere without my maternal grandparents, we even went on holiday together. If we popped out without them, we weren’t to tell them!
Must have driven my poor dad mad.

YANBU! Anyone with an iota of kindness would make a bit more of an effort to include you. Actually being married does have bearing on this because it promises a more stable relationship and, therefore, more chance that you will be able to see your grandchildren in the future. If the partner decides your son is not for her, then what? She moves on with tons of support from her parents, and you and your son may be left in the lurch. It's quite possible if she's unreasonable toward you that she's putting pressure on your son to keep you out of the picture. I feel for you, though I have not experienced this. I wish there were a way you could speak to your son, but it doesn't sound like she lets him out of her eyesight. Honestly, I've been surprised at some of the really unkind remarks you have received here on GN. Perhaps go to a bit more counseling and pray. Of course, you should have other hobbies and interests, but no amount of painting or gardening is going to replace the love of a grandchild. You have my sympathy.

"She moves on with tons of support from her parents, and you and your son may be left in the lurch."

No, they are his kids too and it is his right to be part of their lives too - custody order

Generally speaking (with agreement with the other parent of the kids, of course)

It all depends on how high in the sons' priority lists lay - the need to foster parental grandparent /gc relationship

most people want to see more of there grandchildren, but sometimes life gets in the way, i have two gc, i is my sons and the other is spending more time with his dad as it is the summer holidays here, my son keeps saying sorry for not seeing me and taking me out but he is working extra hours covering peoples holidays, my dil is taking care of her sisters twins so she can continue to work, they are all the same age and prefer to be together than seeing gran. what about trying face time or zoom, you could offer to babysit and let them have time to themselves, do you get on with the childrens mum? please don't demand or cut off contact...you will loose out, maybe gently ask your son if there is a problem. good luck.

Do they know how much you want to see the DGC?
Just saying because I have been reading this thread and it's all about standing back and being satisfied but perhaps, just perhaps, they don't want to impose on you?
Have you brought up your son to be cautious and not to expect too much?
I don't see my DC or DGC very often. I am excited to be having my DS & family who live in NZ to stay for several weeks this summer. I have not seen my DGS for over 4 years but we speak on video calls.
I take a great interest in their lives and they know I love them. It's going to be especially strange because DH died 18 months ago so there won't be his joyful presence.

Incidentally mine don't see the other DGP much either
Gone are the days when extended families all lived in the same street.