Billy No Mates….Me

Thank you everyone, some lovely comments and reasonings to take on board. I am going to crack on and go with the flow, my diary is filling nicely with the classes I have booked and it will be nice to just have a bit of social interaction with new people.

Oh Katey, that’s so hard, I know that some people say that they don’t know what to say! But surely you contact either by phone or a note or nice card, after all they are your friends. I’m sending you a big virtual hug,

My advice, would be to ask for support. Pick up the phone and say I’m having a tough time and I wonder if we could schedule regular calls and occasional visits. You are such a dear friend it would rally my spirits. Hopefully they will be flattered and you are telling them what you need support wise. Sending my thoughts this way, you have been through the wringer and I hope things improve soon. ?

You always find out your true friends when you are in trouble or need help & support yourself . My lovely hubby collapsed & died in front of myself & son in law a few years ago. I had already being diagnosed with skin cancer at that time (may I add not life threatening) had 3 surgeries, other things happened aswell ... I can count on one hand the people who bothered about me, 6 months later 2 good friends did it across me. People tell me, people don't know what to say ... my reply ... load of rubbish even if only say hello ... you could send a text or even phone, just asking how they are & something in general & go from there, you are then breaking the ice, hopefully they will answer, if not to me they aren't friends at all ... try to get some support from groups who will understand & hopefully you will make new friends ... I go to places on my own hard the first time, made a couple of new friends ... hope you will soon be feeling much better ... try to think positive hard I know ... all the best & get well very soon ... God bless

avitorl

I'm sorry for what has happened but your new Groups will hopefully be good for you.
Pre Covid I was the organiser for a group of "friends".I now know that,apart from 1 of the group,I was of little significance in their lives .I am the only one living alone ,without family,and they didn't even email to see how I was coping.I have no wish to see them again.

One of my groups is like that too. I only go because I enjoy the activity. I think if you are single or widowed you don't really count any more. They even decided to ditch our annual lunch and go for coffee instead. The reason was that we would all be making dinner later for hubby apart from me. I think they thought I didnt make dinner too.

I'm sorry for what has happened but your new Groups will hopefully be good for you.
Pre Covid I was the organiser for a group of "friends".I now know that,apart from 1 of the group,I was of little significance in their lives .I am the only one living alone ,without family,and they didn't even email to see how I was coping.I have no wish to see them again.

Good for you, Kk. Your chosen courses sound like a pretty perfect antidote. Well done ??

I feel for you and it must hurt not having your friends call you. If I can give some insight into shoe on the other foot, it might put things in perspective.
A couple of years ago a friend died after a short illness. I wanted to be supportive to his wife, as I had been to both of them during his illness. The hardest part was picking up the phone...the obvious question is to ask how they are, which seemed such a naff thing to ask.
It would've been easier to do nothing, but I couldn't do that, so instead when I called, I'd tell her I'd been thinking about her, and conversation evolved.
It was hard at first but got better, and both of us are closer than ever.
I hope your recovery is successful and I hope things improve with your friends. Good luck

??? So sorry to hear that you’re feeling let down Katey. Post mastectomy is a tough time isn’t it. You seem to be doing all the right things; especially joining the wellbeing & art courses. I agree with those who think that some people just can’t think of what to say. I’ve found that quite a few grans on Gransnet have had similar experiences to yours & can truly understand how you are feeling. Their support is a huge comfort & counts a great deal. Sending you love & very best wishes for your continued recovery & carefree days to come ?

Good for you KatieKrunch. The courses sound like a great
idea.

KateyKrunch I do think people avoid contact because they don't know what to say. OH emailed a good friend recently to suggest meeting up, we used to see this couple regularly, then moved out of the area so contact was much less and we haven't seen them since before the pandemic. He emailed back to say his wife has stage 4 cancer. I bought a nice card but tbh spent a week mulling over what to say. I'm still not sure I wrote the right words but I hope she knows they came from a good place! I don't think most people are deliberately unkind or unfeeling, just a bit useless at dealing with difficult stuff. I hope your treatment goes well and you enjoy the classes. I have found my art classes so absorbing, the time just flies.

I’ve found mostly great support from friends and family, ( although I don’t have huge circle of friends )since my terminal diagnosis. I like the more matter of fact approach of “how’s the chemo going?” “ you’re looking good, well done for getting out and about”. Plus so many practical offers of lifts etc rather than the sad face “ how ARE you?”
Best of luck for your recovery Katey

I think the best advice I got when my friend had cancer was 'look at the person, not the illness'. When I gave her a hairbrush/mirror set in the hospice - I know! - we both had a good laugh at what a daft gift it was.

When my daughter was diagnosed with cancer, most of my friends phoned regularly for updates. Two or three, good friends,
I didn’t hear from until I met up with them . They said we don’t like to keep phoning - it must drive you mad, saying the same thing over and over. But please know we are thinking of you all.

KateyKrunch sorry your friends have let you down. I hope you recover well. x Someone I thought was a friend let me down in the same way, last year. I'd been a very good friend to her when she'd had cancer, but she didn't reciprocate.

I agree with MawtheMerrier.

Thankyou all for your very sensible messages. I have just come back from a Hospital appointment. I am not going to stress or try to understand the lack of contact and I am going to get on with getting on! I have just booked onto a 4 week Art course and a 4 week Wellbeing Course, so nicely filling my diary up with activities, I may even make some new friends lol. ? for you all, Katey x

That's a bit mean kircubbin . One of our very small badminton club had to drop out but she still comes on all the socials.

You should be selfish now think about yourself getting better. People do have different ways of dealing with situations. Don't concern yourself with others now as you are the important one.
I hope you have a complete recovery and wish you well. It's been said earlier you are in good company here you are not alone.

Katey? wouldn’t hurt to send a card or pick op up the phone to you, but people can be very selfish, they are not true friends. I worked for Breast friends charity, ,there will be one by you, when you feel more up for it go along and join them, they will welcome you.
Kirkcubbin the same thing happened to me with my group, I can’t tell you how many fivers I have given to collections with them, I won’t be going again, what’s the point if it’s not a two way thing, I began to think I had upset them, but know I haven’t and I realise it was me doing the organising and collections. all the time. No more..

That must hurt Kircubbin. Hard to understand people sometimes.

People are like this even if you are not ill.I had to give up one of my activity groups recently. I have been friends with the ladies for over 20 years and none of them have contacted me since.

So pleased that you are having a good recovery from your mastectomy, is there a support group that you can get involved with?
Friends can be hopeless. I’ve so learned of situational friendships and that real friends are the two or three if you are lucky….. it’s. when we are faced with serious situations that we sadly have to learn these lessons.
? from me too

I joined a cancer facebook group when DH was diagnosed and I found it was helpful. People on here have been really supportive, before and since he died.
Most friends in RL have been great but he had a lot of friends and colleagues and hardly any have been near. I had an avalanche of condolence cards but then nothing.
However I realise it works both ways and when I am up to it, I phone people such as his siblings and cousins and we meet for lunch or a coffee.
One cousin is coming from America next month to stay with me.
Kitty I hope your DD makes an excellent recovery and KateyK please post on here whenever you want.

I think this sorts out who are really friends. After my DH died some who I thought of as friends didn't get in touch.

The ones who overcame the difficulty of contacting me are true friends. It isn't easy knowing what to say to someone who is seriously ill or bereaved but if you care you will do it.

There is lots of support for people going through cancer and groups you can attend when you feel a bit better. When I had my cancer diagnosis I was surprised how much help is available and a way to make new friends.

When my husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer I finally realised that some people I thought were friends were not. I am still pleasant when I see them but never again will I consider them as friends.
Just concentrate on getting well. We are here for you whenever you want someone to communicate with. ?