How will you cope

Nanna58 In the same place as you are now coming up to 5 years. Goodness knows how I will feel and cope as my fun-loving,chatty and kindly man has disappeared.

Hmmm, i don't think you can give a black n white answer to this, we wont pissibly know until it occurs. Without coming across as heartless, I have to say life goes on, just taking a day at a time is all anyone can do.

I know 1 thing I have taken on board, that is to make sure I have all the i's dotted and t's crossed regarding bills/outgoings. I learned that from my neighbour whose husband did literally every mortal thing regarding bills, insurance, car, blah, blah and when he died suddenly, she told me she was at her wits end with it all, had no idea where to start, had to get a friend of hers in on the whole problem ( lucky he had been a bank manager ) and THAT was while she was in utter grief and loss, a terrible time for her, so THAT is my practical problem sorted, I wont be able to do a thing about the loss of my husband and to be honest I dare not give it space in my mind, too upsetting.

TheodoraP, you ask:

'How do you think you will cope?'

- but that thinking bears no resemblance to the harsh reality. Grief is individual, there is no preparation, no rehearsal, no idea of how we'll feel or exist. We may feel struck down, traumatised, transported to a hostile, alien planet - yet we do cope (in a way) we adapt, we recover, we carry on.

One thing I realised - and remember - is that we are so much stronger than we ever knew!

merlotgran

You just have to get on with it!

What other option is there?

Indeed - there is nothing else you can do. You just get on with life one day at a time.

DH and I had been together for 58 years and the last five years of his life he had been my carer.
He had his illness for four years but his death was sudden and unexpected when it happened.
As a nurse I expected to be able to cope with illness and death but I was not prepared for how utterly devastated I would feel.
I am sure DH would have coped much better than I do but another part of me thinks he would have removed himself from the situation.

It's so very cruel. I'm so very sorry for all of you who are experiencing this huge loss of your husband's and partners.
????
I know, when its our turn, whoever is left will be bereft but I actually find it terrifying.

I may be very wrong but I imagine I will feel as if he died long ago. Every day due to Alzheimer’s the man I married slips away, leaving behind a confused, unhappy and bewildered person. He hates what he is becoming, so maybe I’ll just be able to be glad the slide stops. Certainly I shall cope practically as I’ve done everything for a while now.

You cope because there’s no alternative. Life will never be the same but you have to make the best of it. You sink or swim but you are never truly happy again. I chose to swim, eventually, but in a duck like manner - paddling furiously underneath while appearing reasonably calm on the surface. After 10 years I still can’t quite believe it.
Maw’s definition covers the feeling of loss succinctly

From my point of view it’s not the physical absence, the empty house, any of us can cope with that.
Nor is it someone to put up shelves or unscrew stiff jars- I was usually better than Paw at that.
It’s losing the one person who knows you better than you know yourself, with whom you have shared the most precious moments and memories of your life. Someone who “gets” you, someone with whom you can be as frank and honest as if you were talking to yourself.
Someone who loves and values you more than anybody else in the world and go who you are their most important person. Your own person to hug
Skip the ads, fast forward to the song, Ava Gardner expresses it beautifully.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=JCsYSS6ddT4&vidve=5727&autoplay=1

Fiorentina xx

1summer ?.

I was my husband's carer 24/7. He sadly died suddenly last November. Its very difficult to adapt initially, when you've cared for them for so long, buy you'll get there.

Annsixty
I sympathise with you completely. My DH died two years past last Christmas after being disabled for a long time from severe heart disease. His increasingly poor circulation eventually affected his brain causing dementia, I saw him go from a mentally alert and interested in everything man to an immobile forgetful and poor memory affected.I too feel it was a blessing he passed just before Covid and the first lockdown because if I had died before him he would have to go into a care home with no visitors allowed and that thought is unbearable. I have learned to cope since his death, but the house is still full of his memory.
Florentina I am so sorry for your loss.Especially since it was so quick, nothing can prepare you for that.

My past is a mixture of *Isummer’ and SueDonim. Thankfully my DH was able to take early retirement 10 years before his illness - then once diagnosed there were a further 5 years of good times and bad, before the final prognosis.
As others say - you’ve just got to get on with things. Some are urgent, some you can take your time over. It’s not a situation you can ever really plan for, even if you know how things will end.
It’s the empty house syndrome that seems hard to get used to and no-one to respond to a daft comment.

My husband last week was given 4-6 weeks to live. He has been having treatment for Leukaemia for the last 9 months and we thought he was doing really well. Unfortunately it has crossed what they call the blood/brain cell barrier and accelerating at speed. We are taking a day at a time, seeing family and doing normal things like today a walk in the park and a coffee in the sunshine. But my heart is breaking. We have been married for 39 years and he is my soul mate. In the night I selfishly think how will I cope can I go on alone. But I am sure I will, We have loving children and a grandchild who will help.

annsixty lovely to 'see' you

And everyone who is feeling lonely

MawtheMerrier

All I can say is that there are no rehearsals for losing your life’s partner.
Yes you can cope but nothing prepares you for the reality.

MawtheMerrier

We can't really understand unless it happens

I've coped a lot on my own too, M0nica but I can't say I like it. Weekends were the worst.
It's having no-one to chat to; there was the dog, then children and a dog, then another dog and I was more mobile too. But I don't want another dog, it wouldn't be fair.

DH is quite resourceful and is extending his cookery repertoire with my help (which means showing him then leaving him to it). He'd be fine, I think.

I will cope, I always do. I do not say that in any boastful manner, but through my life; long weeks in hospital far from home as a child, boarding school, being married to someone who was in the offshore oil industry as a marine surveyor, almost from the start when HSE was minimal, ditto construction methods and journeys from supply boat to platform was by bosun's chair, not helicopter. Periods away from home frequent and uncertain and in foreign countries, no-one would want to be visiting, through several 'I do not want to worry you, Monica, but..... phone calls, includng being trapped under water in a mini-sub for 24 hours. I have managed, I didn't have a choice. It will be the same if he predeceases me.

But I am worried about what will happen to DH if I go first. He is not as resilient as he is.

DD and I have hatched a plan and we are keeping a constant eye on a particular road in her town, which is freehold owned houses and flats, but within some kind of charitable trust. All this dates back to the 1930s

When my ex-husband dies, I will not rejoice, but I will feel sadness and regret, about the pain we caused each other. Above all, I will feel sorry for our AC, who, at the end of the day, are losing their father.
The tears will be shed in bucket-loads by his present wife, the one he left me for.

I did leave an abusive violent husband and manage well on my own, in fact I’m very happy now.

I feel sorry for you ladies who have lost husbands after genuinely happy marriages and in fact I envy the fact that you have had such a marriage.

However when my ex husband dies I will rejoice and be very relieved .

annsixty Your words are wise.

fiorentina Well done for all you have achieved so far in your "new reality" and so sorry for your sudden loss. And AGAA4 is right - take time when you need it, look after yourself

I'm waiting to see a post from someone who has a very difficult relationship with partner and might be relieved if they died. There are regular posts here from those who have demanding, controlling partners (usually husbands) and advice from others is often to leave/separate. Some have explained that their circumstances make this difficult, so someone like this might have a different attitude to death of an abusive partner.

For those of you already walking such a difficult path.

My Dh has worked away from home for much of our married life so I know I’d manage the day-to-day stuff, that won’t phase me. Dealing with spiders myself would be a challenge but the biggest thing would be no longer having anyone with which to do nothing. That presence in the house, the person who knows and understands me and puts up with me anyway.

I’d KBO, though, because what’s the alternative?