Talking to my 12 year old DGD about being autistic

I think when talking to her if the word weird comes up ask her if she likes thinking she’s weird ( using her word) some kids do rejoice in being ‘different’ and it could be that she’s picked up on the word in a positive way, however it could be the reverse so then if she says ‘of course not Nan it’s what the others call me,’ then without using the word autism I d bring into the conversation famous people who have been considered ‘weird’ particularly anyone not too ancient so she can see that she can be famous or successful
When my granddaughter was diagnosed with dyslexia we talked about all the famous people with dyslexia She was afforded help at school but refused it all point blank as she didn’t want to be different to others She’s worked it out for herself and is now successfully studying psychology and criminology at Uni

However I do agree with others that the mum sweeping it under the carpet isn’t helping at all at 12 she will know very clearly that she’s ‘different’ what she does need to know is that ‘different’ can be fantastic

Do you think your DD and SIL need some counselling to help them come to terms with the diagnosis? they seem to be brushing it under the carpet a bit. Ask them if they are ok with you speaking to your DGD about her therapy sessions and what she does there and her feelings about it. The conversation can progress from that. Yes she is different but that isn't necessarily a bad thing. We are all different in our own way .

Is your DGD still having sessions with a therapist? Because if so I would have imagined that would be the person to discuss the diagnosis with her. I also wonder about the school setting is she receiving extra support and are meetings being held to support her? If so at some point she may want to attend those meetings and her opinion will be asked. It woud seem sensible for someone to explain things to her asap.

VioletSky - I think your last paragraph says it all. I work in a centre for children with additional support needs, many of whom are on the autistic spectrum. I think it's important to let them know that being autistic doesn't mean there's anything 'wrong' with them, and I think what you've said there sums it up well.

I’m a nana to 5- two of the 3 boys have a diagnosis of autism. The youngest was diagnosed when he was 2 (now 6) the other not until this year, he is 11. The experience with them both has been very different as they have both presented in very different ways.
The elder one has grown up with some understanding about autism having lived through the experience of having a younger brother who was very young when he received his diagnosis. Like your GD he experiences difficulties with social interactions and recognises in himself that he is not quite like his peers.
My daughter made choice to talk about what was happening from the outset, so my experience is not the same as yours. All I can offer is that there are a number of organisations who support families to work through all the questions and emotions that can be brought up. They can help grandparents as well as parents to talk things through. There is also some very good literature out there to support your with her understanding once your D is ready to talk to her.
I hope you and your family can find the support you need

My youngest daughter is around the same age.

She knows she is autistic, I also work in education and have done courses.

I dont know if knowing she is autistic makes any difference to my daughter, she gets very little intervention at school and she chooses not to tell her friends which causes issues but thats her choice to make.

Maybe I will ask her and get back to you

But personally I thought it was something she should know in order to love and accept herself. She isnt neurotypical, she may face issues that others don't and she is amazing

I completely agree Aveline perhaps you could talk to your daughter Starrynight and offer to help with this difficult conversation she needs to have with your granddaughter.
I'm sure there are support groups out there with families who have been in this situation, their advice would be helpful too.

Well what a shame. Poor girl. My research into the life experiences of females with autism was very revealing. Every single one of the women I interviewed for it said they wished they'd known earlier as it would have saved them from thinking they were were mad or weird. They were all diagnosed as adults and had post diagnostic counselling to help them come to terms with their diagnosis. Virtually all of them were happy to be diagnosed and a key feeling was one of relief.

Your daughter is clearly experienced in this situation and it really has to be up to your gd parents to discuss and manage.
You can still support your gd by saying the sort if things you mention.
We are in a similar situation, the elephant is in the room but never mentioned. In this case an adult but possibly a child the same age as your gd.
This does run in families so there may be others in the family also affected, it’s difficult. Just let her know she is loved and valued.

I think your daughter is doing your granddaughter a disservice here. She needs to be given her diagnosis and have it explained to her. She knows she is different to other girls, and I wonder if she is being name called at school. This would explain her notice on her bedroom door.
My granddaughter is 15 now and was diagnosed with high functioning autism at 13. We are waiting an assessment for her as she suspects that she may also have ADD.
My granddaughter was pleased to have her diagnosis as it helped her to understand herself better. She now also can explain to others that her brain is wired differently and she doesn't always think the same way as them.

My grandson is autistic. His mother, my daughter, has explained this, and given him books to read, I don’t know the names of these books, but if you ‘Google’ them I am sure you will find them. Also get in touch with the National Autistic Society. Make sure the secondary school knows of the diagnosis, junior school pass on info, but not all s. schools pass this to all teachers.
When I comment on something my grandson has done, or usually not done, he says”Well G’ma you know what I’m like!” Pretty cool I think!
Good luck.

Thanks - I wish she had just known naturally at the time of testing, like your GS. . But she was getting a lot of OT therapy so I guess it wasn't obvious that the autism testing was happening.

My 8 year old GS recently had the same diagnosis. He knows that he is autistic as his parents have told him in order to explain why he has had various visits to educational and psychological specialists. They tell him that autism means that he thinks about things in a different way to other people, but this is also the reason that he has brilliant ideas and is good at various school subjects. They always stress that it also means that it makes him the special person that they love. I hope you find a solution.