When should a Gran speak out about bad treatment of their son/daughter.

I am sorry you are so worried.

Your daughter-in-law may be the nasty little gold-digger you imply, but there again she may not. Not knowing any of you, I cannot say.

Points to consider:
Your son was quite old enough to make up his own mind when he met this woman, when he married her, and when he agreed to her using a donor to become pregnant.
This leads me to believe he loves her, or did so previously.

Your daughter-in-law is apparently terminally ill with lung cancer, so cut her some slack.

Unless you can be nice to her, stay as far away from her as possible.

I too have a daughter-in-law whom I do not care much for, but my son loves her, so my opinion that she is using him I keep very decidedly to myself. It would only cause a rift between him and us as his father, who shares my opinion of the young woman if we were plainspoken here.

The only thing you can reasonably do, is to ask your son whether he us legally the boy's father, either by adoption, or as he would be here because the child was born whilst his mother and your son were married.

You are presumably in the U.S. Canada, or Australia, as you are talking money in dollars, so I have no idea what the law says where you are.

Here in Denmark, a child born to a married woman is legally the offspring of her husband, unless he states categorically that he cannot have fathered the child and wins a paternity suit within one calendar year of the baby's birth. Consenting to the use of a sperm donor would do away with the need for a paternity suit, as his consent would be seen as readiness to accept the resulting child as his.

For the child's sake, your son should get legal advice regarding his standing as the father of the boy. before the boy's mother dies.

None of the rest of the sad tale you have related is any business of yours, dear lady. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but no good has ever come of meddling between man and wife.

I’m so sorry to hear of your troubles, but it’s so messy, you really don’t want to make things worse.

It’s hard, but I would stand well back.

So sorry to hear of your DIL’s diagnosis too. I do hope your grandson is ok.

Btw, 100k us dollars per year, unless they live in a low col area, it is not that much money.

Bibbity

Exactly, he was forced to be with her, procreate with her, indulge her life style.... he never had a choice from the moment he met her (sarcasm on)

So from the moment of meeting her your son has just been a limp spectator in his own life?

Completely agree Jaylou and Lizbethann. Thoughtful, and caring comments from you both.
borntostew - I’m wondering if time alone will be your guide. Give this situation time. Not really helpful I know, support, and advise if asked. Good luck, and try NOT to stew?

Jaylou, I agree with you. Monica sounds horribly uncaring and aggressive. Espee and Welbeck are not far behind. Borntostew is not intervening. She is worried sick about the son she loves and is asking for our advice. Of course it is her business. It is the future of her son and her grandson that she is concerned about. How many of us parents do not worry and want to help when those we love the most are hurting. And how many of us do not feel intense anger at those who we feel are responsible for that hurt.
It really is no wonder that some members of this group having asked for help, disappear and are never heard from again.
As my mum always said " if you can't say anything nice, say nothing"

I'm sorry to read your post Borntosew this is obviously very difficult for you.
Your son is an adult and all you can do is be there to support him and let him know you are there for him.
Your daughter-in-law is very poorly and the worry of her lung cancer may be affecting how she deals with things.
All you can do is offer your son your support, talk to him, be there for him.
I hope things settle down and you start to feel better.
Take care

Surely a middle-aged man can sort his own problems.

I think some of the responses here are a bit harsh. Borntosew has not intervened in the past, and actually said no to intervening when directly asked.
The 2 sentences that I find the harshest are
"I find your hostility to your DiL from day 1, very worrying and wonder whether your interference contributed to the following problems"
and
"As I said, he is a big boy now and should be able to rely on his mother not interfering with his personal life. He must find it embarrassing and demeaning."
Both from the same person.

I think intervene is the wrong word on this thread.
If your son comes to you and asks for help and guidance, then it is fine to help. But just keep loving and supporting him as you have in the past.

Me too Oopsadaisy she’s on at this very moment to entertain me after work

Allsorts - in most surrogate situations, the father is the biological father (provides sperm), but the mother usually not. Probably doesn't make any difference in this situation, which seems to be in US where laws are different anyway.

Borntosew Tell your son to get himself a good solicitor (if you want to research ask divorced friends who they used and give him a list). Then step back and let them get on with it. The social media stuff is irrelevant. She will have to compromise everyone does in divorces. They will have to go to mediation because there is a child involved. His friends will stay his friends and support him, if some people choose to take her side that's up to them. Just assure him he will get through it. And no one comes out of a divorce with everything they think they will.

You can’t do anything about it, however you can print off the pages where she is slandering him. You never know when they might be useful. (Just tuck them away for now and don’t tell your son about it. Let him start to sort it out.)

Thank you Judge Judy (my secret vice) .

it's not for you to intervene.
he's not a child.

You cannot intervene here - your son, as an adult, made his choices

Should a gran speak out at anytime? Simple answer is no. It is not your business.

Your son is a very thoroughly an adult. How he lives his life, his decision to marry and all that follows is the result of his adult decisions, and that includes his response to his marriage break-up.

There is nothing you can do or ought to do. It is up to your son to respond - or not.

Your son is clearly in his mid-late 40s. When are you going to cut the apron strings? I find your hostility to your DiL from day 1, very worrying and wonder whether your interference contributed to the following problems.

As I said, he is a big boy now and should be able to rely on his mother not interfering with his personal life. He must find it embarrassing and demeaning.

Your son is not biologically the father and am I right in thinking unless he legally adopted him at birth he has no control. So what happens to the child if she dies! Where dies he legally stand?
She sounds mentally unstable plus physically ill. Would your son be agreeable to you meeting with her to calm things down, everything is roller coasting. If he doesn’t agree then I’m afraid you have to do nothing. Posting on pages, do you mean Facebook? I don't look at those things I think they are horrible. Sure the people she is posting to, know the sort if person she is, but isn’t there now legislation that you cannot put derogatory things out there, if so I would put in a complaint to the site organisers, it’s libellous.
Sorry you’re going through this, it’s your sons nightmare and that hurts you, as mothers we can do little I’m afraid.