I feel a Burden

I can only echo what others have said please continue with the therapy if you can, twice will not have been nearly enough please don’t underestimate what a change and a loss like this can do to you Therapy will help you grieve in a positive way You owe it to your son to try and help yourself through this very different and difficult stage in life
Do take care of yourself and give that lovely son a big cuddle for being so kind and caring

I am very sorry for your sad loss .

Of course ,you aren't a burden to your son .
You brought him up and he loves you .

Therapy is a great idea and maybe join some new distracting activities and meet other ladies ,who are also grieving .

Theodora from what you have said on other threads, your husband died quite recently.

I think you have an urealistic expectation of how long the grieving period can be, especially after a long and happy marriage, and you are trying to second guess how long people expect your recovery will take. You are also assuming that they will expext a quick recovery. Actually I very much doubt if that is what they are thinking, what they want is for you to concentrate on yourself and how you feel, instead of worrying about others.

I suspect, also, that you have always been the kind of person who rallys round and helps other people, always a giver and that you are now finding it very difficult to be a taker.

So, I am with others, go back to therapy and instead of doing it thinking how soon you can stop doing it and cease being a burden, try and think about how long you will need it to come to terms with your grief.

You were obvious a good and loving mother, with a son that appreciates it, which means, knowing how much you have done for him in your life, he is glad to have a chance to show that by helping you when you are dragged down with grief.

The best thing you can do is accept everything he offers and use it to your best advantage, istead of thinking how soon can you discard it.

This the point when you need to take rather than give, accept that a loss like yours takes a long time to recover from, even partially and willingly accept all the help you are offered. Take little steps, and slowly and you will bit by bit recover. Expect to be back to normal next week and your unrealistic hopes will make life more difficult for everyone.

TheodoraP sorry for your loss . It can't be easy. Your son is obviously close and he cares about you. You aren't a burden, he loves you and he hates seeing you sad and lonely. Have you thought about some kind of bereavement group (I assume there are such things) or W.I. type of group? Easy for me to say, I suppose, as I've still got my husband - but I had a stroke last year and have felt a burden to him and my sons. x

Were the counselling sessions close together and all a bit much?
Maybe going fortnightly would give you time to process your thoughts before the next session. Someone I know found that beneficial.

Sorry exdancer but that made me smile. Sort of thing that would happen to me.

Having just said that, I was sent to the pain clinic and was assigned to a man i took an instant dislike to (dunno why, just did) so I asked to see someone else.
I was sent to a different hospital and got the same man.

Is your son paying for your therapy, or is it through the NHS?
I think you know you've only just scratched the surface of what can be done to help you, so why are you cutting it short?
Do you perhaps not feel comfortable with your therapist or is there some other reason you don't want to see him any more? I know I'd feel uncomfortable discussing my feelings with a stranger, and there are some 'faux' sympathetic people who are really irritating with their way of making you feel guilty for being wretched.
You can ask for another therapist if this one doesn't sort out your feelings and help you feel more relaxed and positive.

It must be such a difficult time. If your son, he sounds lovely, wants to help then let him. It probably helps him too.
I knew someone who was a bereavement counsellor. Her husband was killed in an accident so she got first hand experience of the process. She found it uncanny in a strange way but felt that the help that she had been giving to the bereaved was very valid.

TheodoraP it will be 3 years in May since I lost my DH. I was lucky as I was able to access counselling through work. It was a huge, huge help to me. I had 6 sessions. So as others have said do go back to it if you can.
I totally get what you say about being a burden. I have felt that on and off over the last couple of years, but I know it not to be true. Bereavement knocks us for 6 at every level and my confidence in particular, but this is improving all the time. My heart goes out to you and please know you will start to heal, but in your own time .

I'm so sorry for your loss TheodoraP. Your son sounds wonderful. I can't help from personal experience but from my mother who was married to my dad for 59 years but lived for almost 20 after his death. One of the things she said was that she never realised when she was grieving how unlike her real self she was. So perhaps your son is worried because he still sees how grief is affecting you and that is why he wants you to continue therapy. But it is of course entirely up to you. As far as a burden goes I don't imagine he sees you as that at all. I'm pleased I had the years I did helping my mum and the adult friendship we had. If you do want to repay him is there some sort of gift you could give him and his family? Perhaps a special treat or day out. I'm sure he won't expect it, but it could be something to show you appreciate him and his wife, who must be an exceptional DIL.

I'm sure carrying on with the therapy will help your son, even if you feel it's not for you right now.

My thoughts are though, that the initial numbness wears off, and it is then that the proper grieving starts, so you too, will benefit from it then.

You can follow the therapy your son has arranged for you, because it will make him feel better.

Please continue with therapy and give yourself the time you need for grieving

I am so sorry for your loss

I think I understand where you are coming from. I am currently doing chemotherapy for terminal cancer. My 2 sons are being wonderfully helpful, one regularly driving 3 hours round trip to come to oncology appointments with me, plus lots of other things. The other one came over from Sydney to spend nearly three weeks with me.

I too feel guilty about it and keep saying I’m sorry when they get upset which they do when saying goodbye. But I know they want to help. I’m sure your son is the same, but I do feel he would appreciate you continuing with the therapy ?

I had counselling with someone at the gp surgery first, and it helped me to separate and parcel up my 'appropriate guilt'. My husband died on our front lawn and for months I wondered if I could have saved him if I'd been home. The person that stopped to ring the ambulance hadn't tried CPR at all. It was only months later when I researched the difference between cardiac arrest and a heart attack, they have striking survival differences.

If you were able to speak freely to the person, do go back when you feel a bit stronger. They will help you find some coping strategies that will help you get through this. Good luck.

Let him help you - helping you does not mean you are a burden. My 3 DDs helped me lots since I have been widowed - they say they do it because they love me and because it is a way of repaying all that I have done (and still do) for them.

Accepting help with a good grace is always hard for people who have been independent; but as long as you are not needy and grumbling when he cannot help (which I am sure you do not), then it is a choice he has made, and it may be that it also makes him feel good!

I hope you will be able to return to the counsellor when you feel ready. It is such a massive life change and very hard indeed; so I send you my sympathy.

Very vert grateful for all of your comments that have made me feel so much better. Thank you so much

You are not a burden your son clearly loves you and wants to help. You are both grieving, it’s very early and the sad loss of your dh needs time.
Take it a day at a time, two sessions is probably not enough but the therapists appears to have helped you so consider going back when you feel the time is right.
Grief is the price of love, take it slowly, seek support from friends as well as from your son. He has his responsibilities too but you have that in mind.
Don’t worry, don’t rush, things will get better and in time all will be well.

I'm so sorry for your loss I can only imagine how such a bereavement is affecting you and wold just echo what others have said about the possibility of continuing with the therapy for the time being. Your son sounds an admirable and caring man. Don't feel a burden possibly this is his way of repaying you for being a good mother to him. When my late mother became widowed and asked for my help with certain issues such as downsizing, I did a lot of leg work for her and she sometimes said "I feel a burden to you" my reply was "don't you've always been a great mum to me, now is my chance to help you when you most need it"

I remember your name from a previous thread you bravely started about certain symptoms you were experiencing and that opened up a chance for some of us to say "have those too, thought it was just me!" so thank you for that and possibly those symptoms in your case are related to the stress of your bereavement.

I wish you all the best and I think you will find much support from those on GN who have been through what you are going through now.

Firstly, I am so sorry for your loss ?. I agree with other comments, two sessions of therapy are not nearly enough and it is important to acknowledge that you have lost your husband and your son has lost his father and perhaps helping you as much as he has is his way of coping with that loss.

Sending you both support and warm wishes to help you through the difficult times ahead.

Your son sounds a lovely man. You found two sessions of therapy helpful. Maybe you need a break to process those before picking up sessions again. When your 2nd session ended, did you commit to the next one? In my experience as a therapist and receiving therapy, 5 sessions is often optimum. Bereavement is something generally believed to be something with us for a couple of years as we integrate our loss into our lives and hearts/. Look after yourself

Hi TheodoraP.

I'm very lucky in that my mum and dad are still around. Whenever I offer to do something for them, the response is usually "oh you shouldn't have to do that" or "we don't want to impose". What they don't see is that I am happy to be able to do things for them. It makes me feel good to help them out.

I'm going to guess your son is more than happy to be there for you right now and that he doesn't feel you are a burden at all. He probably wants you to be happy and is trying to do his best to make that happen.

Have a chat with your son and tell him how you feel. I hope you can sort something out

Tell your son that you have changed your mind and that you will continue to see the therapist. You may not want to but it will help to lessen your son’s concerns about you. He has lost a parent, has a new baby and is caring for you. He sounds like a wonderful man. Can you discuss your feelings with the members of your bereavement group? ?

Perhaps tell your son that you will give the therapist another go .. if you or he ascertain that you aren’t managing as well as you had hoped. Best wishes