I feel a Burden

Sorry for your loss and the pain you are feeling. As others have said, go back to therapy as two sessions isn't enough. Also did you join the local bereavement group your son found for you? If you attend both of those it will help your son as he will know that you are doing your best to find a way forward. Be kind to yourself, grief is awful and takes as long as it takes. [Flowers]

I lost my husband in September 2019, I haven’t had any bereavement support although it was available through the funeral director and the hospice. I think I didn’t feel I needed it because I had had some counselling during my husband’s long (9) year cancer. That helped me to get back to work for a few years and was excellent. As for my girls, they are both amazing but I guess I took the approach of being their mum and they had lost their most precious dad. I sometimes had to bite my tongue especially as one said “well you can get a new partner, I can’t get a new dad” thoughtless rather than mean. My girls always do nice things for me but what has really helped is my grandson, who was a few months old when DH died. He cuddles like no one else and has made my life worth living with his funny ways. It’s heartbreaking that he won’t know his grandad but I’m doing my best to be a good nana for him. It helps my daughter that I can look after him and has really kept me from diving off the deep end of despair. I can’t tell you much about the first two years though, I don’t think I have any real memories of it. Do what you need to do to help you, but cuddling a baby is the best thing ever. I don’t think grief ever really goes but you have to find a way to live with it.

What can you do?

Go back to the therapist & bereavement support services.

You had two sessions & found that useful.
Why stop that process when the benefits are tangible & this type of therapy is limited to a few sessions.

I challenge you to continue the therapy to explore why you describe yourself & your understandable feelings of bereavement as being a burden.
If you hold onto this negative view of yourself & your experience then you run the risk of this becoming self-fulfilling, thereby shortchanging yourself, & dare I say your son & his family.

Your son is trying to help you live independently & well
The suggestions to get involved with U3A & other ventures are very good & well worth following up.

You son has stepped up & done plenty for you. & he now needs to focus on himself & growing family. It will be helpful for him to know & see that you are building your life after your loss - hardly a burden?

OP you can change therapist if you prefer? Perhaps try a woman therapist?

Grief is an awful thing, I lost my father last week, suddenly, and am wading through it myself.

Best wishes to you.

Dear Theodora, I too am very sorry for your loss.

First I would like to say, please do remember that your son loves you, otherwise he would not be helping as much right now, and I imagine he loved his father too. So he too is bereaved and helping you is no doubt helping him as well.

Next, be honest with your son and daughter in law and if you haven't already done so, tell them that your feel you are becoming a burden to them, and that really he should have more time to spend with his wife and new child.

By saying this, you will, I hope, prevent either of them from giving in to a sneaking feeling that you are a burden. Right now, they probably do not feel this, but the thought may have occcured to one or other of them who has valiently pushed it away, as they love you and know what you are going through.

Not having experience of therapy, I cannot say whether you are right or wrong in discontinueing it, but others who know more about it than I, feel you should perhaps continue a little longer.

This depends, of course, on why you made decision not to go on with the therapy. You said the therapist had helped, and saying as you did "I made the decision to stop seeing the therapist" sounds to me as if you yourself were in two minds about what was best.

It is not my business, but would you prefer another therapist, or is therapy too expensive? Whatever the reason, perhaps you should mention it to your son.

I hope this helps.

I think we all dread feeling that we are a burden to others, but there is nothing wrong with accepting help when it is offered, unless we use the help as an excuse for not doing things ourselves.

This is clearly not the case with you. In your place, I would ring and have a chat with my daughter-in-law about whether she or they feel you are imposing on them, or not. But as your bereavement is so recent it is only natural that you feel lost and need help.

Lucca ?

Why did you only go twice? Not long enough at all. Visit your son and DIL and help them, that in turn will help you.

What a marvellous attitude, love that you are so positive, what a tonic too read your post

Theodora I can't really add much to the good advice already given on here, but wanted to say that you clearly have a wonderful son, a new grandchild to love, and I hope that in time you will begin to heal. My closest and oldest friend lost her husband very suddenly three years ago and her grief was almost frightening - but she has made a new life, and told me that she feels so much better now. We are all different in how we cope, so I wish you well and hope so much that you find a new way. xx

Continue until the therapists says the course has ended. This is a new phase in your life. Your late husband would want the best for you just like your son does. It's true isn't it "this too will pass".

I was told that it is best to wait 6 months before beginning therapy for the loss of a person we loved.
hat gives you a chance to process without any pressure.
Then you might well be ready to jump in with the therapist and find it is even more helpful.
You can prebook the sessions if that helps your son to see your intentions.

To pick up on a small point quietly made above.

Your son has lost his father whilst he is father to a young & growing family. The chain of continuity has been broken.

I assume that his suggestions for you approach a therapist & local bereavement services may reflect his own experience. He needs to grieve for himself & there is only so much that he can do for you before it comes at a cost to him.

Is it that you have a sense that he is running out of steam with you, that you know him well enough to sense that he is loosing patience ? Is that where & how you feel like you may be a burden?

We each of us grieve in our own way, in our own time & at our own pace. We assume that those we know & love well experience & process grief as we do, but this is not so. From that mismatch or schism come so many hurt feelings, unspoken words & long standing misunderstandings.

Your loving son is grieving as he can. I note that you speak of how loving he is & now you realise how much he does do for you, but you have not spoken of how he is in himself & how he is with his bereavement.

So much of your future is now in your hands, & you have the joy & warmth of growing grandchildren to brighten your life.

Take, or rather grab, the offers to support you through your bereavement & put away the ‘get-out/give-up’ notion of being a burden.

Yes do let your son help as much as he can - we all like to feel we can make a difference to those we love in these circumstances.
Thirty years ago, after nearly fifty years of happy marriage, my father died very suddenly and unexpectedly of a heart attack. My mother (who had a long term limiting illness and increasing physical disability) ridiculed all our efforts to support her, refusing to continue with bereavement counselling, throwing away the very low level short term anti depressants her known and trusted GP had prescribed, and failing to respond to many offers of social contact/visits from friends and family. It was really hard to know how best to support her.
You are a mother and grandmother, not a burden.Do let your lovely family do what they can for you, and join whatever interest groups are out there which appeal and have members of a similar age and situation to yourself

I am not a widow, but a dear friend is. She lost her husband 8 years ago and saw a therapist afterwards. Like you, she stopped the sessions far too soon. The result of that decision was only more suffering for her and her family.

Take all the help on offer. As everyone says here, your son sounds like a really lovely man. Help him by helping yourself.

It sounds trite, but my dear friend was actually helped by getting a small, fluffy, cute little dog. I recently heard her laugh normally for the first time in years because the dog is giving her something to get up for and care for.

I wish you all the very best.

From my own experience of widowhood, I take a different view. I think there are people who for the very best and loving reasons want you to grieve in a certain way. The love you, they worry about you, feel responsible and want you to be "fixed"
but grief is messy....not fixable, certainly not quickly fixable. And, while some help can help, the only person who can get you through it...who can decide what through it even looks like...is you.
So can I suggest that you do yourself a bit of a "how am I" inventory? Right now what do your best and worst days look like? How well are you eating/sleeping/caring for yourself? if you have a pet are you looking after it? You needn't tell anybody the results but its useful to have some idea of how things are with you if you are finding it difficult to be personally objective.
I would have poked myself in the arm with sharp pencils rather than have gone to a grief counsellor, joined a widows choir, had a good cry or been constantly visited and texted. i think if you feel you have had enough counselling then you probab....ly have. I do think that maybe just maybe you need to be a bit more lovingly firm with your son...be doing something when he wants to visit...leave a gap before answering his texts. Make him feel that you are getting on with life in your own way and that he can feel confident to pull back a bit....do a bit of loving realtionship reshaping. If you feel and model being grieving and widowed but still independent MUM then he should feel he doesn't need to be so supportive and (dare I say it) invasive. I think your insight about feeling a burden is significant...not because your son resents you but because you feel your independence and agency slipping away. I hope this helps

"join whatever interest groups are out there which appeal and have members of a similar age and situation to yourself "

Join the local widows klatsch? Hell no. My age and marital status have never defined me and never will.

I’m
So sorry for your loss.
I’m glad your son is so lovely and caring. You mentioned you’d only seen the therapist twice, did you feel like perhaps they weren’t the right fit for you? Don’t be afraid to see another one if that’s the case.
I also wondered if you had any hobbies or interests or friends you Couid meet socially.
I’m sure if your son knew you were meeting a friend for lunch etc that’d put his mind at rest and would be lovely for you. X

So sorry for your loss. Like others here I would advise seeing the therapist for a longer time.
Grief is like a wave ; it will ebb and flow. Look after yourself, try to keep to a routine and set your self small achievable goals. Try to get fresh air each day and try to eat well.
Of course your life has changed irretrievably but other doors will open and it will be a different life but hopefully not worse.
You have a lovely caring son. Take care

TheodoraP. I am so sorry for your loss. I am unsure when your lost your husband. When I trained as a CRUSE councillor we were told that people needed time before they came to see someone. Everyone is different and I hope you have better days and take care. Go by what feels right for you.

I lost my husband of 50 year on 01/02/2021. I was OK really but I got a lot of support from an online bereavement group, mine was on Facebook Yellow Heart to Remember as he died from CPVOD=19. From there I found another group.
The Good Grief Trust hhtps://www/thegoodgrieftrust.org/ They have local meeting and even Good Grief Cafes in some areas if you dont want to carry on with Therapy maybe this would give you someone to talk to about it. Also your local Authority may have Bereavement Counselling which is group therapy.

I also feel that you should carry on seeing the therapist. You need someone to talk to and it sounds as though your son would be happy to know that you have someone else to speak to when he is busy with his wife and new baby.
The therapist is a professional who has known many bereaved people and can offer you advice and coping mechanisms that your son may not know. You may also have things to say that you might not feel able to say to your son.

TheodoraP - First of all, let me offer my sympathies to you. I know it will be tough for you and the tendency to want to have your son supporting you is perfectly normal. However, I am a psychotherapist and a specialist bereavement counsellor with a large practice that includes both NHS-funded clients and private clients - and I can tell you that two sessions is nowhere near enough to help you work through your loss and your new identity. In my hospice, and hospital, we have a 12-session model which aims to help the client reconfigure their world after loss. Maybe the two sessions you've had have focused just on the death and the aftermath but there's a lot more to your life than that and this is what needs to be addressed.
If you want to feel less of a burden to your son, show him that you want to be self-sufficient and continue with the therapy, perhaps with a different therapist as well as your bereavement group. Your son will want to know that you can socialise and have other people to lean on apart from him but he needs concrete proof of that so your actions are important. He has a wife and child to consider as you rightly acknowledge but he will feel dutiful towards you if you can't give him evidence that you have someone else to lean on as well as him. Good luck with this.

You found the therapist helpful. Keep going. You will have your own thoughts on stopping but two sessions doesn't seem enough. Your son too will be grieving and will maybe be torn between your needs and his family. Is there any way you can become involved in his family,perhaps as a distraction in the interim and possible lessen his burden too. If your feeling of being a burden goes on a visit to the Dr may help in case you are depressed. You are not being a burden, you are grieving.

I am so sorry to hear your distress .. Bereavement can shake us to our core and uncover so many emotions . Loosing a partner is so hard .
I am also a therapist and I would say two sessions after a major bereavement is not nearly enough … I’m sure they did help but in my opinion you probably need something more long term to support you and work through your feelings . Your son while supporting you has a lot of other demands on his life with his family and a new baby , also he has lost his father and maybe dealing with his own feelings of loss too .
If seeing a therapist is what your son wants you to do I’m wondering why you stopped after only two sessions ?
It might make your son feel less burdened if you got some ongoing support from a therapist rather than just depending on him for that support .
Just a few thoughts .

I can only echo what kim19 said.... continuing to see this therapist will take a weight off your sons shoulders, he is a lovely caring son and he will be so concerned for you but at the same time, yes he has a family that he will also be concerned about and then ofcourse in amongst all this, there is HIM.... your son who will feel pulled in everything direction there is, so yes, you could start seeing the therapist again which is helpful to both you and your son.

I am so very, very sorry it has come to this.

I wish you all the very best take each day at a time.