Help for daughter with depression?

Thank you so much, everyone. There are some extremely helpful ideas on here which I intend to follow up. I am beginning to realise none of this is my daughter's fault. The brain is so complex and we are all wired differently. It's so sad when someone young and bright feels this way. As a mother, it breaks my heart. However yesterday daughter did agree to talk to someone so that's a step forward. Thank you all again..

You incorrectly think counsellors charge too much unfortunately- they are part of the mental health care community and qualified professionals

Skydancer

I am sad to read that the situation has not changed in a year (there is previous background in this board)

It has to be your daughter who has to look for help, you can only guide her.
Going other primary physician is the first step

This does sound difficult for you, Skydancer. I sympathise. In my city there is a counselling centre where counsellors volunteer and you can give a donation according to income. I think trainee and new counsellors get experience there. If there is something like that near you, that might help. Ours is called the [Name of city] Counselling Centre.

Like Nannee49, I have heard that there seems to be a link between inflammation in the body and depression. I believe a good diet can help with that (fresh, unprocessed food and lots of vegetables and fruit).

Professor Tim Spector and others think, based on research, that diet affects the microorganisms that live in our digestive systems, which affect inflammation in the body, which affects whether we are depressed (among other things). He recommends, besides fresh, unprocessed food, eating as many different types of fruit and veg each week as possible (preferably 30 types a week), along with olive oil and foods that contain polyphenols, such as good-quality dark chocolate and berries. Also fermented foods such as kefir and kombucha. He says these foods nourish beneficial microorganisms in our bodies. But ultra-processed foods nourish harmful microorganisms.

If your daughter was willing to adapt her diet, that might help. Tim Spector’s books, like Spoon Fed, are available inexpensively on Kindle, and videos featuring him are on YouTube. If you liked his ideas, maybe you could send her a link or buy her a book.

Has she tried exercise? Jogging used to really help me when I was depressed.

Something that has really helped my self-worth (since becoming a Christian) is my Christian world view and relationship with God. I know other people have found the same. I would recommend your daughter to look into Christianity for herself, if she hasn’t already. Alpha courses are generally good and people usually enjoy them. They usually involve a meal, then a short talk, then discussions in small groups. When I have gone to or helped on these courses there has been a friendly, supportive atmosphere in the small groups which your daughter might like. There is no pressure involved.

Depression is a hormonal imbalance ,she cant help it ,she's not causing it herself.It may or may not be linked to her lack of a partner but if she needs medication to set her right all the talking to in the world from a mother who seed her as "difficult" wont help.
Maybe get some leaflets from your GP and send them to her so she can see for herself its not something SHE'S doing thats at the core of her mental health issues ,its spmething lacking in her that needs replaced .Sending my very best wishes to her and her wee girl ,the past two years wont hav ehelped either of them ,lets hope its a better years ahead for all who suffer woth their mental health

Adult children do not dump their feelings on their mothers,
they do what they have from childhood, they turn to their mothers, regardless of age there always remains - the child within,

Does no one whose mother has died ever think ‘I wish Mum
was here’ when they have troubles ?

Good point there lemsip, mother’s can become the place adult children dump the feelings they’re struggling to manage

Try contacting www.mind.org.uk/
they are very supportive...have a look.

an hour on the phone with your daughter is too long, half an hour is enough......otherwise you go over and over the same issues.........she may well be quite different when not on the phone to you. She just offloads to you. I feel for you.

Most properly qualified therapists charge over £50 an hour. They are qualified tradespeople. Nhs services usually start with cbt which may be helpful with specific anxiety but not in many other situations

OP you know the relationship between you is not ‘healthy’. Please don’t feel blamed by posters, that won’t help at all. Your daughter needs professional help. Can you find a more stable period, or relatively more peaceful time to talk through with her, what options there are.
Has she been prescribed anti depressants - sometimes they help people move into therapy

Wise words as always Anniebach.
In my own struggles with my daughter, I have found a kind of help to me, to help me cope to help her and the repercussions on my granddaughter, by accessing the most up to date research into mental health and the view that there is always a physical root cause of illnessness of the brain.
Skydancer, it may be that your daughter is overwhelmed by inflammation with her eczema as a possible indicator.
I've mentioned before on another thread the work of Dr. Daniel Amen, a psychiatrist who uses the technology of actually being able to look at the brain and it's physical changes to determine cause and treatment of brain ill health. To me, this research, backed by scientific data, is a glimmer of light in the hopeless dark of mental illness.
Just as we're now coming to accept that such conditions as type2 diabetes can be prevented and put into remission with changes in lifestyle and diet, it seems it's possible to do the same with brain dysfunction.
I can't do a link but, if you feel this info might help you cope, his work is easily googled.
And as the wonderful, wise Anniebach has said to me in the past, you are not alone

‘Walking on eggshells is not a sign of a healthy relationship ‘

Please ignore this comment, your daughter needs to see her
GP and there may be counselling available with your local
MIND, the charges are less than private counsellors .

You are meeting your daughter’s needs as a mother, you listen to her, you are trying to get professional help for her, x

www.nhs.uk/mental-health/talking-therapies-medicine-treatments/talking-therapies-and-counselling/nhs-talking-therapies/

Would this help your daughter Skydancer ?

Counsellors should be registered and £50 ph is not particularly high for that type of service, locally to me it is £60 a session. But if you have not got that amount of money to spare it is too much.
GPs do make referrals for counselling but if your DD won't ask it is hard to see what is to be done.

We persuaded our daughter to go to Counselling (MrOops took her and we paid) it was only after a few weeks that she agreed to go to her GP, by then she was suicidal.
This was over 20 years ago and I wish I could say that all is well, but she is still unwell and is on pills, she has tried so many times to come off of them, but she goes downhill very quickly. She is the sweetest girl( I should say lady now) and it breaks my heart to see her suffering.

I feel your pain. I’m in the same situation with my daughter. We walk on eggshells as she can erupt if you say something, sge misconstrues. If you gently say that was not your intention, your patronising. All shouted at us, in front of her 6 year old. We do everything, from dog care, to daily washing, child care, but the fury and tears are relentless. And exhausting for us. I think what I’m trying to say is, they need medical intervention. But if they disagree, we are all stuck. I feel so sad for the children, who will be affected by witnessing it, but there is not a lot we can do, but try our best, despite the relentless upset. But it’s not easy. Ive never felt so sad. Sending hope.

Try to get her to get a GP appointment, there is little you can do except for listen to her, but she really needs to speak to her GP.

Your daughter's gp wouldn't talk to you but they would listen if you rang with your concerns or sent a letter.

If your daughter needs help that is something she needs to decide for herself. So you might find it more productive to look into how you can better support her.

Maybe it would be best for you to get advice on how to talk to your daughter. If this has been something you have noticed since birth, how do you communicate when she is upset? Are you meeting her needs as a mum?

Walking on eggshells is not a sign of a healthy relationship between the two of you. Something is going wrong in your communication.

There is a lot of information online that is free to read about a parents role in bringing up resilient children

There are also means tested counselling services out there. I remember when my sessions were weekly I paid £10 as that is what I could afford so when they were fortnightly I paid £20. This was a Christian, voluntary counselling service and I was seen by a retired therapist which was amazing.

I really hope things get better for you both

That all sounds very difficult. Has your daughter seen a doctor, do you know? That’s really the starting point but of course as you understand, she doesn’t need to tell you anything about her medical consultations.

Does she have a friend who could gently suggest she gets some help?