Am I selfish/bad for wanting to enjoy my new year’s weekend instead of running errands for my mom?

Hi
I just want to point out a few more things. About the pjs. I know my mom well. She’s a shopaholic and likes to go to the mall a lot and has my dad driving her a lot. So the pjs were not something she nedded ASAP, like she didn’t had any.

I know things will get worst as my mother ages since she can’t drive but I’m also trying to be a good daughter and help. However, some of her requests sometimes don’t seem reasonable to me. BEFORE my dad got covid he was working one day and mom wanted food from a place that is 10 min walking distance from her house. I ended up going to pick her food. I think if she didn’t want to bother anyone she could’ve walked. She’s not disabled or too old.

I suggested a service where you can go to places for just $1.00 in a mini van that comes to your house. This is a new service in our area. My mom was indifferent and still uses me and dad for her errands.

As far as me going out, it’s not like I abandoned my parents. I went to the grocery store and the pharmacy before going out to eat with my friend. Please don’t assume things about me if you don’t know me well. I just have a hard time saying no sometimes and maybe it’s making me a little resentful, especially when my mom acts like she’s helpless. She is now, but she wasn’t before dad got sick

Calistemon

I'm going to try to stop saying it now ?

But it is its correct name!

The Mall is that nice tree lined road with Buck House at one end.
The other , pronounced Mawl, is an American invention.
#justmyopinion

You are not being selfish, I think your Mom is though by asking you to get pyjamas from the mall. Just tell her that you are not comfortable going there and she can choose her own clothes when she is safe to go out. Food and essentials only. Good luck.

The OP definitely American "Dennys" is a diner, well known for their breakfasts.

Ructions

Reductions!

You can order pyjamas on the internet. For me it would always have been what my mother needed first otherwise there would have been reductions. I probably wouldn't enjoy going out knowing my parents needed help. I don't really understand the me something. That's just me and prob not appropriate for everyone.

Derbyshire Lass, what a good post!

I too feel that some posters are a bit harsh and judgemental. Of course we would all say that, because it is our parent, we would rush to the aid of our parents. However, that is not always possible.
In addition, the mother is neither ill, nor disabled, according to the poster.

We don't really know all the circumstances and if you had a mother like mine, no matter how much planning ahead I did there always something that she would demand I go for Now.
For example, once I was very ill, in bed with a chest infection, when my mother phoned to demand that I drive to the next town go get her some pin head oatmeal for her porridge. Nothing else would do. What a fuss she made, when I said I was too unwell to get out of bed.

Someone called the poster selfish, I think that could apply to her mother too.

Browneyes.

These medical emergencies with families do crop up from time to time and clearly you were caught off guard and didn't have time to plan ahead.

For example, when she asked you for gloves and sanitizer's you could have asked her for a list for groceries. You could have explained to her how busy and stretched you were and agreed a schedule of shopping say twice a week.

You could also have stocked up her fridge and freezer with a few ready meals in case she became unwell too. It's all about thinking ahead. Not easy when someone suddenly gets sick and then it's usually all hands on deck until systems can be put in place but maybe something to bear in mind for next time,

On the surface the request for pyjamas might sound silly but maybe she was panicking thinking new pjs might be needed if she got sick and needed to go into hospital.

I think perhaps you need to see this episode as to what might be required in the future and make plans and set up some systems in readiness, especially, if as you say, your mum seems to be losing her independence and is starting to lean on you.

This episode has given you a foretaste of what might lie ahead as your parents get older and more frail.

It's doubtful your mum will learn to drive now but she could learn how to do online shopping, especially if you help her set up the accounts.

Have you considered what might happen when your father is unable to drive. How suitable is their accommodation, will they be able to age in situ, do they live close enough to amenities.

I am not suggesting you need to personally become their care giver but rather you may need to oversee their care and ensure that they get into the habit of keeping enough food and meds on hand, just in case,

I am 70 and live alone. I am in good health and fully mobile but I do keep plenty of food and any necessary over the counter comfort meds in case I get unwell or the weather is inclement.

If you can put good systems in place now it will make their lives easier and it will give you peace of mind knowing they are more organised if one or even both of them gets sick again. Doing it sooner rather than later might mean they can retain their independence for longer.

And no I don't think a night off was unreasonable.

Browneyes87

You have some posters on your side.

LA traffic is pretty horrific and we know driving in the US is sadly a necessity.
If your mother chooses not to learn to drive, she must make her own arrangements instead of what she is doing now.

The older your mom gets, the worse this will become.
You are doing the right thing on differentiating needs vs wants.

Hi again,
I didn’t had time to read all the comments but I read some. I think I didn’t explain myself. I did not go out “partying” on new year’s as some of you pointed out. I went out for dinner at Dennys with a close friend. We’re both fully vaccinated and I haven’t done anything fun or gone out much because of the pandemic but I really needed this. I have been stuck at home for too long.
I also never said I would not help my parents. What I said is that I didn’t want to go to the mall as my mom pointed out because it was not a necessity. My mom relies a lot on me and my dad for errands because she doesn’t drive.

One time I pointed out to my mom that there’s a new service in our area where you can go to places in a mini van instead of taking the bus and it’s only 1 dollar. What did she do? She ignored my advice and just prefers for me and my dad to be available for her instead of trying to make an effort herself. It’s been like this even before dad got covid.

Right now I’ve been doing things for them but I think my mom should consider that I already have a lot on my plate. I have been offering my help but sometimes I wish she could just say: “don’t worry, I’m fine”. But lately she just prefers people to do things for her. My dad is not the same way though. He rarely asks anything. By the way, my mon is not disabled or ill. She’s in her early 60s.

I don’t think I was mean for wanting to go out on new years instead of being stuck at home as I always am. I wouldn’t tell people to not go out and stop living life because I got sick.

Yes you appear utterly self centred to me. Your poor mum.

I think some here are being harsh. OP offered her house to mum, did shopping twice, but felt guilty saying no to unnecessary purchases and is getting the short shift from mum.

It sounds that she is caring, and perhaps mum can push too hard sometimes. If you let mum know you can do her shopping 2 or 3 times a week and are available for phone calls to ward off loneliness, then you are being a good daughter in my eyes.

What we haven't heard is how far away OP lives from parents, if she works and if she has children and her own family to look after as well.

I believe Browneyes87 said in a previous post that she lived in Los Angeles.

I'm going to try to stop saying it now ?

But it is its correct name!

Sorry!
You are the first person I have come across who says that.
We generally refer to it as the Shopping Centre or even just the Centre.

Aveline

Al the insight or knowledge we need is conveyed in the language the OP uses.
Makes a change from onesies I suppose.

Perhaps Mom may want her to go to the Mall (pronounced Mawl) and buy some onesies.
PJs can be so uncomfortable.
Vans as well?

paddyann54

Are you selfish ? Yes ,I believe you are .I cant imagine leaving a sick man and an elderly woman to fend for themselves in the current circumstances...or any circumstances to be honest .I certainly couldn't have done it .Like most on here I juggled businesses,home children with looking after my Mum ,I dont regret a minute of the time I spent with her right until her last breath

Well said, paddyann

MayBeMaw

Summerlove

Why are we assuming OP is in America?

As far as I can tell, their isolation period is 5 days, not 10.

Why?
Because she uses words like “Mom”, “neighbor” “New years”and “the mall”.
Yes I know we have shopping centres/malls in the U.K. but if you are headed to the Trafford Centre , Brent Cross or Bluewater, do you say you are going to “the mall” ?

I shall say this only once ☺
Yes, we call our nearest one The Mall
I shall desist immediately!!

Al the insight or knowledge we need is conveyed in the language the OP uses.
Makes a change from onesies I suppose.

????hopping mothers

We are all wasting our breath - and time ???

And I bet if the op's leg fell off, they would expect her to hop....
Best not to bet anything without any insight or knowledge.

OP has been there for their parents

"Yesterday my mom asked me to get some basic things for her like gloves, and sanitizers, etc. I went after work and delivered it at her door. Today she asked if I could get milk when I go to the grocery store and I said okay. The thing is that she also said: “I also needed to pick up a pair of pijamas at the mall but I can’t go out”. Okay that part is NOT an emergency and I want to enjoy my long weekend because I’ve been busy lately and haven’t had time for myself. My mom likes buying random stuff at the mall all the time and now wants me to sacrifice my time to go get something that is not urgent at the mall."

OP said those are not an emergency - aka can wait

OP is already helping her parents, wondering if she is yabu for not being at their beck and call

What is going to happen if her father can no longer drive her mother everywhere?
I bet her mother expects her to become her driver.

My mistake-it was favors not neighbors
But whatever, well said paddyann I am amazed at the number of people who think the mum is making unreasonable demands, surely any of us would have done the shopping and dropped it off at the door for poorly/isolating parents? Probably collecting their laundry and dropping off a casserole or two at the same time!
OP comes across as a petulant teenager who clearly resents anything coming between her and her social life.