Have paternal grans always been less involved with their grandchildren than maternal grans?

My situation seems to be diff to most .My son had a relationship with new gf.she never met us tho live nearby she became pregnant not having met us not showing signs of wanting to we did keep suggesting it. She didn't move in with my son at all as preferred being at her mum's she's 31 btw . When in Labour my son was able be there but her mum was there also and at the c section . Then top it all she returned to her mum's house after leaving hospital as wanted her mother . We hadn't seen our grandchild and she had to be badgered by my son to come back to his as we were visiting. My heart broke for my son he had his own house and was on paternity leave to help her after the birth .her first words were on coming to bring baby to his were. Oh I just wanted another week !! We were allowed to hold our grandson .And she has moved in over a year now. We don't get too involved as I am still feeling like the outsider tbh. My son was deprived of seeing his newborn child all that first week and even now she goes off to her.mum's to stay sometimes five days to a week anytime she feels the need. We back off because she will do what wants and take a the child with her we see him with my son and go to the park together but she stays home we are doting grandparents. And have two with my daughter and hubby who we see regularly. And love . Unfortunately we can't get involved with my sons two the same his previous relationship he had a boy.who is 10 now. He lives with his mother. So it's not always the grandparents fault. Things are done very differently nowadays. Being a old fashioned traditional parent. I expected to have a relationship with my sons gf.before children came along. We like her but her bond with her mother causes a lot of problems my son knows he can't compete any argument she runs to her mother. We tend to distance ourselves as seems the best way. Sadly.

Yes a lot depends on how close D-in-L is to her own mum too i guess, and how close you and your son are- like was said, each family is different!

This has made me think about family dynamics.. 2 of my my paternal grandchildren have me and my partner (grumps), my ex husband and his next wife, they also have their maternal grandmother and her husband and finally, the 4th set of grandparents - maternal grandpa and his partner. Then there's 2 x GreatGMums and 2 x GreatGDads! On the paternal side and despite living a half an hour drive away, I have had the most contact and provided the most support for the family and as a result, have a very close relationship with my GC.

You're so right on this one missAdventure- plus it depends on the gran too! I'm the paternal gran to my eldest sons kids obviously, but I'm his kids favourite nan, I'm also the favourite gran of 2 of my DD's kids- (& my D-in-L even calls me mum like my son) so you see, its largely down to personality & attitude, especially of the granny!You don't get to be their favourite one for nothing! ?

My son-in-laws mother only wants to see her son and not my daughter or the grandchildren.

My daughter is going through this at the moment my little darling great grandson has just been born, my daughter is the paternal grandmother and the new mother only wants her mother there so my daughter feels pushed out.
I didn’t want anyone helping me I didn’t feel the need
I always secretly wanted a son, but at times like this I’m so pleased I had girls.

I think it’s true in most cases.

LSadly, due to distance and Covid we haven’t met our new DGD and she’s 6 months old already.
We last saw our DGS (other son’s family) in 2017. I think even if we lived within a couple of miles of DGD, we wouldn’t have the same access to her as the other grandparents as DIL is very close to her mum and chats on the phone to her almost daily as well as regular visits and sleep overs.
DIL has been with DS for 13 years and she hasn’t once agreed to stay with us at Christmas as her mum would complain if she didn’t have her 2 adult children on Christmas Day and she won’t upset her mum. The ritual is that the two adult children visit her dad on Boxing Day since the parents got divorced.
DS has visited us on his own on previous Christmases (twice?).
Now they have a new baby, I can’t see him wanting to leave her at Christmas (and I wouldn’t want him to) so it looks like we won’t spend any Christmas with the grandchildren for the foreseeable. We have also invited the other son to visit but it’s looking unlikely especially with Covid numbers increasing.

We have busy lives and so do our adult kids and when you live a plane ride away, it’s never going to be easy. However, I’d rather they be happy and independent than need constant support from us so it’s not that bad really.

Yes it’s a woman thing at the end of the day. If the mother has a reasonably close relationship with her mother it is her she will turn to , not her husbands mother to whom she is often competitive. If you are the fathers mother you have to bide your time and jnderstand. My DIL even had her parents present at the birth and formerly told me I wasn’t invited! ‘sorry’ as if! I am a widow and they are my only grandchildren and I have felt sorry for myself at times but on the whole I am really pleased that her parents are fully involved.

It basically comes down to the relationship between DiL and her MiL.
If they are on good terms, there is no reason why the husband's parents will not be involved as much as her own.
There seems to be quite a few grandparents on here that seem to assume that they can treat their grandchildren as their own children as if they are a possession instead of seeing themselves as back up and support to parents as and when needed.

does it not have a lot to do with the ' you lose your son ,when he gets a wife, but a daughters for life' if the relationship is good, then a daughter is closer to her mum, more than MIL.
it seems obvious that the mum would be seen more and be closer.

Both my s-in-l and d-in-l don’t really get on with their parents so when my DD had her son she was always at our house with him likewise our DS prefers to be at our house to with his 3 which I really love and Sunday dinner for 10 quite regularly is the norm.

Historically speaking, children were reckoned as belonging to their father's blood-line and family, so formerly you might have expected the paternal grand-parents to be the important ones.

However, in the days when people normally lived in the same street or village all their lives, there may not have been much difference in when grandparents visited or how often they did so.

But here we have to remember that a young couple who took over a family farm often had the one set of grandparents living with them.

Even in my childhood in the 1950s there were families that had grandparents living with them, or in one family I knew well two widowed grandmothers.

My mother did not get on particularly well with Daddy's mother, so we saw less of her and Grandpa than of my maternal grandmother, who having a long way to come spent a month with us every summer. Daddy's parents came for short visits once or twice a year.

I think it definitely tends to be that way but it isn't always. I'm very close to my GS, he lives with me so obviously he sees more of me than his other grandmother. With my other GC they definitely see more of their maternal grandmothers and they were more involved from the word go one due to geography mainly and one just because that's how it has worked out.

Peasblossom I do not think that is right which grand parent is closest or sees most of a grandchild depends on many other things before who does the childcare comes in, proximity, age and health of grandparents, relations between new parent and their parents and inlaws, whether grandparents work or not, whether there are other children and grandchildren are around or are even whether they are interested in their grandchildren or not.

It very much depends on those involved. Mr. S's parents were very much involved with our boys, my mum not so much as she wasn't really interested.

As a paternal GM I had 4 tense years of grand parenting before DIL decided that life with Mum ,who wld provide childcare, but on the other side of the world , was a better option.
Appreciate any time you have with your GC as it is so precious.

I don’t think they necessarily are.
Much will depend on geographical location, obviously but also the age and health levels of both Grans, and whether they are still working or retired, but also bearing in mind that the relationship between mothers and daughters can often be fraught.

So while there will no doubt be any amount of anecdotal evidence based on personal experience , I just don’t think you can generalise in the way the thread title does.

Lucca

Actually, there is a substantial amount of psychological work that a mother has to do with her new baby. Reva Rubin summarized this work years ago.

A failure to properly bond and connect with the new baby can lead to or worsen PND/PNA.

I think to some extent it is true.
My DS has 2 children. My DIL has her father in one part of the country and her mother in another and never the Twain shall meet.
We see them as often as we can but they live 200 miles away.
When we do see them we have fun and the DGC are lovely with us.
I don’t compare how often we all see them.
I agree that the more people who love them the better.

Three sons later and two sons with children I quickly accepted the role of paternal grandmother. It did upset me with first grandchild but now with four I just get on with it. I do feel I’ve missed out on a lot but hey ho were all still speaking and I quite like the fact I’ve got time for myself now.

Hithere

No, it is not true.
Several things have to be taken into account - all generally speaking and of course not every family works this way

1. The education in the west generally promotes more closeness with daughters than sons, therefore when they grow up, the sons dont call for mom as often as daughters

2. Adults now are much more independent than previous generations, getting the information needed from docs, internet, peers, etc., not relying on the family elders

3. Families now do think "accepting help" isn't choice and can say no

4. Past relationship with parents will lead the relationship when kids come - not where the dna comes from (paternal or maternal side)

5. Women now reject the concept of social secretary, so the paternal side gets left behind if the son does not take care of that.

6. The concept of family has also changed. Core family is protected and grandparents are extended
Family events such as weddings, birth of children, where to live, etc.- are private for input only in the core family

7. Having a child is now rightly seen as a medical event, so the mother and child need to heal and rest.
Their needs become primary and everybody else's wants do not matter.

I think Hithere sums it up pretty well.

My mum is close with my brother's children, and although my SIL is lovely, I think a lot of their closeness is my brother facilitating the relationship, as it should be.

*1st baby

My mother died before our baby was born, the paternal grandparents showed no interest being too wrapped up in my DH's demanding younger sister.
I vowed I would make up for it 100 times over with my own DGC from our daughter and that no one else would get a look in!
Slightly different yes, with our sons.

My own mum used to come up and do things like the ironing or bring us up food we would go shopping together and then she would collect my DD from school when I returned to work , but we would visit my in laws for tea usually on a Sunday, so if you want to be involved suggest things that you are able to do, e.g if you need me to do ??? I am available xxx days. Don't make a fuss but remind them every so often. I am sure they will take you up on the offer.

DiscoDancer1975

freedomfromthepast

Lucca

*Having a child is now rightly seen as a medical event, so the mother and child need to heal and rest.
Their needs become primary and everybody else's wants do not matter*

A bit precious……..

Why is that considered precious Lucca?

This was me then...35 years ago. So nothing new, applicable to most people I should think.

Sorry I just think it’s a bit OTT! Ignore me.