Have paternal grans always been less involved with their grandchildren than maternal grans?

I'm only more involved with my daughter's children as they live 5 mins walk from me, so I see them many times a week. My son's 2 yr old son I see weekly and I would say I'm more involved in his life than his other nan. My Mil I was very close to so I suppose I turned to her as much as my own mum. I think it depends on who our son's partners are. I've been very lucky with both my Dil's and my Mil. I do find it easier to give childcare advice to my daughter though , that I do feel is very different.

My MIL was always a star grandparent, my mother far from it. I could call on MIL for anything from the moment they were born, and I always enjoyed her company anyway, but I wouldn't have trusted my mother at all.

In our family, the paternal granny has actively pushed us away, she has been unkind about us to our grandchildren, it’s been very, very upsetting. In my view, it shouldn’t be a competition but she is determined to be the ‘best nanny’ and delights in her (our!) grandchildren saying this at shared family occasions.

Nannan2 says ‘ I’m the paternal gran to my eldest sons kids obviously, but I'm his kids favourite nan, I'm also the favourite gran of 2 of my DD's kids- You don't get to be their favourite one for nothing!’.

But in my experience, I’m very much afraid that manipulation and cunning can be very helpful in creating a ‘favourite one’ too.

I have been saddened by the games playing of the ‘other’ granny, and it may be that she doesn’t realise what she’s doing. And if she does realise, I hope she will tire of her games. ?

I suspect it has a lot to do with the relationship before the grandchildren are born as well. An adult child who rarely visited/contacted their parent before, won’t necessarily suddenly do so once they have a baby of their own.
I know my dil used to often phone her mother for a chat when she was on her way home from work. She used to pop round to see her mother most weeks for an hour or so. She did this independently of my son, often when he was at work. It stood to reason that there already close relationship continued after the birth of my grandson.
My son didn’t visit me once a month, despite being a similar distance, and I don’t think he’s ever phoned me. These were his choices (I’m aware I could have phoned him etc, I’m not complaining). He didn’t ‘involve’ me in his life prior to my grandson been born, and I think he’s invited me to visit once since.

As I’ve said I’m very fortunate that dil and I are close, and she includes me. But that relationship was already established. I spoke to her far more than my own son, long before my dgs was born.

My experience is that NO! I'm not allowed now to see any of my GC after mother has a hissy fit! Her mother remarked when my DS fell ill with a migraine at our house when I'd invited them and her lot to a celebration meal when 1st GS was 3 weeks old "he's not the one who's had 18 stitches is he darling?" Crass rude and in my eyes , worthy of a punch in the face but I digress........ I have 4 first hand experience of friends/neighbours who have suffered the same fate of banishment purely for the misfortune to be daddy's Mum!

??????️??

It was made clear to me right from the start that DIL’s family had priority. We only saw the baby in the hospital because we were there anyway visiting someone. For various reasons I was desperate to see my son holding a baby of his own: I didn’t want to stay. We’d been told that we weren’t to visit their home for several days which I was fine with. But when I dropped something off (that had been requested by them) I wasn’t even invited in as DIL’s family were all sat in the living room. It still hurts.

Cafe you sound very sensible that's exactly how I look at it I'm A paternal grandparent

Ps my DS partner's mother also banned her 1st GS dad's family , giving him their surname banning him from visiting and misusing her considerable influence with local services to maintain her exclusive control. The boys now in teens lives in Spain with new family and probably hasn't a clue who his dear dad and other family are? So very cruel and sad.

My honest answer based on what I read is the maternal mum is also interested in daughter and MIL is all about baby.

That's the biggest noticable difference see people talk about

The maternal mum has known her daughter for longer.
My daughter was my friend before she had children - we got on well.
Having a baby is quite a personal thing, so it makes sense to share it with someone you've known for 20 odd years as opposed to 2 or 3.

CafeAuLait

I didn't want my mother around and didn't need her help postpartum when my babies were born. She was welcome to visit though, as was MIL. I was quite capable.

The main difference in my MIL and mother's involvement with my children was that my mother was also interested in being involved with me. My mother also called and asked if she could come visit and had suggestions like, let's take the kids to the zoo together. My mother invited me to visit her at her home. My MIL never did any of those things which led to less involvement.

I did take the initiative thinking my MIL would like to be more involved, and invited her to have a regular visit monthly. She came the first month. Then she didn't. I thought it was going to be a standing arrangement but wasn't going to chase her each month. She either took me up on it or didn't. So that never happened.

I'm not interested in working out what is fair and making things even. I'm more interested in a natural relationship. I'm not going to count. If it worked out that I had a closer relationship with my MIL in the end, that's just how it would have happened.

I think yes, a more natural relationship does exist with your own mother, most of the time. That is why your son should organise time with his family. This is not on the DIL.

You wrote: "isn't the son also worthy of his family's support at this momentous time?" Well, of course. If he wants it. Though his role is really to support his wife as she establishes nursing and recovers physically from the birth. You can support him in how to do that best. A lot of the time my impression is that the MIL isn't so much interested in supporting her son as she is in having access to the baby. My MIL should feel free to come over and support her son. Me and baby will go catch a nap while she does that, after a quick catch up to say hello, of course.

It is certainly the case for me that I see far less on my grandson than my DIL's family
I find that hard as I am a widow and they have a large family
Problem is of course, if I make a scene it will not help me

My honest answer based on what I read is the maternal mum is also interested in daughter and MIL is all about baby

Mother in law is all about the baby??!! A sweeping generalisation right there. I'm a paternal grandmother and like many others, I'm not that comfortable with tiny babies; I'm better when they're a little older. I'm also able to recognise that if my DIL, as the main caregiver, isn't feeling happy and supported, that impacts on the whole family and so she was, and remains, my main concern. If DIL is happy; everyone is happy.

I can't stand babies!
Toddlers are fractionally better, 20 year olds the best.

I said before that we we’re twins MissA!?

Chewbacca

I didn't make a generalisation.

I gave my honest answer based on what I have seen others give as reasons.

Others will have different experiences.

Triplets then MissA and German!

I think paternal grandparents can have a close relationship with their in-laws and grandchildren. It depends on the r/ship with their dil I think

"But in my experience, I’m very much afraid that manipulation and cunning can be very helpful in creating a ‘favourite one’ too."

Well said, BazingaGranny, this is my experience, as well.
My attitude has always been that I don't want to play the game of favourites, but still I find one of my co-grans' behaviour to be thoughtless at best and sometimes the bragging has been very hurtful.
This is more to do with the personalities involved than anything inherent in the relationship.

Not the case for me, I've been trusted and involved from the beginning.

Excellent Chewbacca! I always wanted a sibling, now I have two!!!

Perfect response!!!!

I find that my daughters really include me in. My son however, his wife wants him and the children all to herself. My daughters don't necessarily enjoy a close bond with their MILS but they are very inclusive. They understand that grandchildren are part of a bigger network that benefits them all. The DIL however would rather keep them all to themselves. Very tough pill to swallow. Not much you can do.

VioletSky

My honest answer based on what I read is the maternal mum is also interested in daughter and MIL is all about baby.

That's the biggest noticable difference see people talk about

Maybe the MIL is interested in the father and baby.

Totally.