Have paternal grans always been less involved with their grandchildren than maternal grans?

my elder 3 gc only see their PGM xmas birthdays she used to stay quite often and my Dd gets sling well with her but she bothers more with her own Dds kids, my 2nd Dd has a little one now and seems to follow the same pattern my Gs actually cries when he sees his other nan as he doesn't know her she never bothers with him unless they take him there, her Dd has a son snd she has him all the time but has never offered to have our shared Gs

I agree with Madgran77 and Nansnet
I suspect that age of child/grandchild plays a big part too. I used to feel the same about my ds as I do now about my gs. As he’s grown-up our relationship has evolved to a less emotional one. I expect my relationship with my gs to do the same as he grows.

Madgran77

I think it is a different connection rather than more connected

Absolutely agree! I love the bones of my (adult) children, but it's a different connection (love) for my grandchildren. I could squeeze them to death, I love them so much! Is that bad?!

I think it is a different connection rather than more connected

Not for me.
My daughter was the absolute apple of my eye.

Did anyone see this interesting article? Thoughts?
www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2021/nov/17/grandmothers-may-be-more-connected-to-grandchildren-than-to-own-offspring

Hemgranot

My MIL was present at the birth. Can’t really get more involved that that ?
She asked when it became clear that my mum would not be able to travel due to my father’s poor health.

I wouldn't even let my mother in the room when I had a home birth let alone my MIL. I told the midwife if my mother came in I was leaving. She believed me and when my mother appeared at the door she was sent away very quickly.

Mind you I only had my husband there because of pressure to let him be involved. I wanted to be left alone to get on with it.

Forgot to add....now that we are grandparents ourselves ( and have been for ages) we live close to them, and so do the other sets of grandparents.We see then more or less equally, but which ones the grandchildren favour is anyones guess.

My MIL was present at the birth. Can’t really get more involved that that ?
She asked when it became clear that my mum would not be able to travel due to my father’s poor health.

We are maternal grandparents and look after our 3yr old grandson while my daughter and son in law go to work. Our grandson's other grandparents have 4 older grandchildren and basically say they done their bit so usually see him sometimes an hr or so during the week, but not always, and sometimes on a Sunday. This all depends on how they are feeling, if they are under the weather or what other busy things they're doing. It upsets their (only) son and my daughter as they think our grandson is missing out. I just say they are missing out and he has all the love he needs from us, extended family and friends. I think it's how you are, you sound as if you want to help and be involved. Keep trying, it's worth it

It certainly has in my family
I used to spend every day with my maternal Nan and grandad and see my paternal gran once a week for a couple of hours
When my own children were born I was overseas but when I came back to U.K. I was visiting my mum and dad when ever I could mum came to stay to babysit and came to be around for my third baby and I spent part of every summer with them
I loved my mother in law but didn’t see a great deal of her and she had a lot more grandkids and a busy life ( my parents only had my kids)
Fast forward my children all moved away, one came back one settled a short plane ride away and son went to NZ so I really don’t have much to do with my grandkids there and they have a Nan and grandad around the corner from them I play a big role in the ones that live nearby and a fairly big role in the ones just over the sea as their paternal grandparents live away too
It’s life and seems to be the natural way for us anyway as I say many times a day it is what it is

I think most moms want their own mom first, it’s only natural. Not so in my case. Where I live it’s always the girls mother that’s with the family. Mil takes a back seat, funny really as most of them have boys.

"I understand that postpartum many new mom's want their own mom around."

I think that is a fair assumption, and quite natural for a new mum to want, and feel comfortable, having her own mother to help in those early days after having a baby. And it's quite natural for a paternal GM to feel a bit left out in those early days, but most of us do understand, and probably did the same ourselves.

"But if a MIL is also willing to help then isn't the son also worthy of his family's support at this momentous time?"

Of course the son is also worthy of his family's support, it is also a momentous occasion for the DS of the paternal in-laws. It is, however, a different kind of help/support, that is required by the new mum, who probably feels more comfortable with her own mother. There is no reason why the paternal in-laws can't/shouldn't support their own son, and quite understandable that they would want to share in the joy of a new GCs arrival. It is a sad fact, however, as seen in some posts, that some DiLs would prefer to exclude her partners parents. It may all depend on the kind of relationship they already have, or simply on the type of person they are.

"And what about ongoing involvement?"

If the family all get along together then there is no reason why there shouldn't be ongoing involvement with both sets of grandparents. Everyone needs to respect each others feelings, and not overstep the mark, or be deliberately selfish by excluding either set of GPs.

"It seems rare that things ever even out with both grans. Is this a historical bias or a recent one?"

I don't think it's historical, or bias, it's simply down to a number of factors, such as the kind of relationship you already have with your in-laws, distance involved, and whether or not GPs are still working, or retired. Many factors dictate the kind of involvement, and how much involvement, GPs have with their AC and GC.

This thread just illustrates how different every family is.

Maybe expectations are related to how much contact we had with our own grandparents?

My paternal ones were long gone before I was born. We occasionally visited my mum's parents but they never came to our house, probably because they didn't drive and it was easier for us to go there.

There was no childcare or babysitting involved, just family meals and chats. We saw more of aunts, uncles, cousins etc. than grandparents.

I have 2 daughters and 1 son. All have children. Eldest daughter has one child. The paternal GP’s took over from day one even though we lived 20 minutes drive away. I didn’t fight it. I’m not very close to this GD.

My son has 2 children and I have not felt excluded at all by my DiL. The problem is that they left the U.K. when the children were 1 and 3 and came back at the beginning of this year (now 10 and 7) and it’s been hard for all the GP’s to re-establish relationships. Family more spread out.

Younger daughter lives in the same town as us with her family and her in-laws living in town too and there is simply no competitive grand parenting at all. We all see lots of these GC and are immensely close to them. As I see it, they can’t have too many people who love them.

When I had my children in the 70s we lived very close to both sets of grandparents and saw them equally.
All 3 of my offspring have children of their own . I moved in with my DD and SIL and DGD so I have been very close to her . My youngest DS has 2 children but as he is divorced and his DD and DS live with their mother a hundred miles away, I don’t see much of them .
My older DS also has a DS and a DD . When the children were born I wasn’t really allowed to have much to do with the babies . He visited once a week or so with his wife and children but that was it . On the other hand her mother was allowed to babysit and to mind them while the parents worked. I didn’t particularly want to mind the children so wasn’t bothered by this , but my DD was miffed on my behalf .
About 4 years ago DIL mother got breast cancer and died not long after so I needed to take on the child care that she had been doing . It’s so sad for DIL, her dad moved away to live with another woman so he’s been no help to her . All she has to help is one sister and DS and us .
DGD is in year 5 now so in less than two years my days of school runs should be over .

I loved all my grandparents but my paternal grandmother was my absolute world, I was lucky to have her into my 30s and even then she was the person I confided in for absolutely everything. Nothing shocked her and she always had the best advice, my daughter has her name now and I speak about my grandma often to her.

I think it’s just circumstances as to whether people are closer to either set of parents. Growing up I saw both sets weekly, my daughter probably sees my FIL and my parents pretty equally too. My MIL died when my daughter was 14 months, but if she hadn’t, we’d probably see her more as my parents live 4 hours away and I got on really well with her.

As a mother of a daughter , I am very grateful of her mil . I live nearly 300 miles from my daughter and especially during the pandemic have been unable to visit / stay.
Mil lives about a 10 minute walk and happily will babysit , do school pick ups when necessary.

Not among people I knew then, nor my parents. I was born in 1943.

I lived near both sets of grandparents ( I think it was the norm
Monica) at least in the 40’s and 50’s.
I was much closer to my paternal grandparents.

So much of this thread is based on the assumption that grandparents live near their children and grandchildren.

From personal experience only, this is relatively rare. I never did, neither did my children and for most of my contemporaries, the regular 50 mile plus journey to grandparents, boths sides was the norm. Even my parents, born during WW1, between them had only one grandparent living locally.

Talking to my children, few of their friends have grandparents near by. They are fortunate that one grandparent does live near, but we live 200 miles away.

My parents are older, disabled and many hundreds of miles away, so although they care a great deal they’re just not able to be involved.
My husband’s parents are just a couple of hundred miles away, younger and as involved as much as they possibly can be.

When I had mine children I still wanted to see my mum and she wanted to see me - just as we had before the babies came along. Because I had the children most of the time when she and I were together they were there too.

My MIL was probably annoyed, but I felt it was unreasonable for it to be expected that I should curtail the relationship I had with my own mum, which had always been the same, because it resulted in an imbalance of time for the GP with the children.