Have paternal grans always been less involved with their grandchildren than maternal grans?

*Having a child is now rightly seen as a medical event, so the mother and child need to heal and rest.
Their needs become primary and everybody else's wants do not matter*

A bit precious……..

Yes lucca, I am very precious

My mother died when my older child was a baby so my children only had a paternal grandmother, who they saw every week.
I am a paternal grandmother and see the children much more often than their maternal grandmother. I am retired and she is still working. My son is separated so the children come here when he has them.

Not the same thing, because it was almost 50 years ago, but I had an incredibly close relationship with my paternal grandparents and only a very limited, remote one with my maternal grandparents.

I'm the maternal GM now and am closer even to my GS than I was with my GM. But his father's GP don't know about him so there is only me. Just as well I'm devoted!

Lucca

*Having a child is now rightly seen as a medical event, so the mother and child need to heal and rest.
Their needs become primary and everybody else's wants do not matter*

A bit precious……..

Why is that considered precious Lucca?

I’d say the situation today is no different from previous times - depends on family and circumstances.

I only had a relationship with paternal GM as maternal one was dead. My own children probably had a better relationship with their paternal grandparents, despite seeing them less often, as my parents were older and less able.

From what I can see, my own GC have good relationships with their paternal grandparents. At the moment, due to circumstances, I can provide more practical help.

In larger families it’s not only grandparents who may be involved - uncles and aunts on both sides may play a role in helping out when needed and having a relationship with their nieces and nephews.

As others have said, families are different and one can’t generalise.

MissAdventure

It's different for every family, because every family is different.

Absolutely.

But if I had to generalise, I would say that because most of the time it’s the mother who does the most childcare it’s likely that she will spend more time with her own parents.

If the father was doing most of the childcare he’d probably see more of his parents.

I’m not a granny, so observing from a distance, I find this “my share” of little person quite disturbing.

freedomfromthepast

Lucca

*Having a child is now rightly seen as a medical event, so the mother and child need to heal and rest.
Their needs become primary and everybody else's wants do not matter*

A bit precious……..

Why is that considered precious Lucca?

This was me then...35 years ago. So nothing new, applicable to most people I should think.

After my DIL had an emergency section and was quite unwell with an infected wound, it was DH and I, whom she asked for support with the new baby.
My son was dealing with major stress in his business and we were happy to support them. It helped us to build a very strong bond with our darling granddaughter.

Her own parents, although living close to her, were too busy running about after their other, very demanding daughter.
I know she really wanted her mum, but I just kept my thoughts about her uncaring mother to myself. She was upset enough. She doesn't know the half of it and I will never tell her, nor my son. They are still her parents and she loves them, regardless of their selfish behaviour.

We also ended up doing the bulk of childcare, when she returned to work. My own MIL (my mother's neighbour) had so many grandchildren, that her input was minimal, it was my mum who helped out whenever I was ill and that was a frequent occurrence.

Having a child is now rightly seen as a medical event, so the mother and child need to heal and rest.

There is nothing new in this. It has always been like that. That is why women were kept in bed for a fortnight after the event and didn't leave the house. Many cultures have rituals and behaviour patterns that are intended to just that.

OK, we do it differently now. our way is just another new set of rituals ot be added to the rest.

I remeber my mother telling me, after I had my first child, that I couldn't leave the house before my baby had been christened. Thank goodness he was christened very quickly!

DiscoDancer1975

freedomfromthepast

Lucca

*Having a child is now rightly seen as a medical event, so the mother and child need to heal and rest.
Their needs become primary and everybody else's wants do not matter*

A bit precious……..

Why is that considered precious Lucca?

This was me then...35 years ago. So nothing new, applicable to most people I should think.

Sorry I just think it’s a bit OTT! Ignore me.

My own mum used to come up and do things like the ironing or bring us up food we would go shopping together and then she would collect my DD from school when I returned to work , but we would visit my in laws for tea usually on a Sunday, so if you want to be involved suggest things that you are able to do, e.g if you need me to do ??? I am available xxx days. Don't make a fuss but remind them every so often. I am sure they will take you up on the offer.

My mother died before our baby was born, the paternal grandparents showed no interest being too wrapped up in my DH's demanding younger sister.
I vowed I would make up for it 100 times over with my own DGC from our daughter and that no one else would get a look in!
Slightly different yes, with our sons.

*1st baby

Hithere

No, it is not true.
Several things have to be taken into account - all generally speaking and of course not every family works this way

1. The education in the west generally promotes more closeness with daughters than sons, therefore when they grow up, the sons dont call for mom as often as daughters

2. Adults now are much more independent than previous generations, getting the information needed from docs, internet, peers, etc., not relying on the family elders

3. Families now do think "accepting help" isn't choice and can say no

4. Past relationship with parents will lead the relationship when kids come - not where the dna comes from (paternal or maternal side)

5. Women now reject the concept of social secretary, so the paternal side gets left behind if the son does not take care of that.

6. The concept of family has also changed. Core family is protected and grandparents are extended
Family events such as weddings, birth of children, where to live, etc.- are private for input only in the core family

7. Having a child is now rightly seen as a medical event, so the mother and child need to heal and rest.
Their needs become primary and everybody else's wants do not matter.

I think Hithere sums it up pretty well.

My mum is close with my brother's children, and although my SIL is lovely, I think a lot of their closeness is my brother facilitating the relationship, as it should be.

Three sons later and two sons with children I quickly accepted the role of paternal grandmother. It did upset me with first grandchild but now with four I just get on with it. I do feel I’ve missed out on a lot but hey ho were all still speaking and I quite like the fact I’ve got time for myself now.

I think to some extent it is true.
My DS has 2 children. My DIL has her father in one part of the country and her mother in another and never the Twain shall meet.
We see them as often as we can but they live 200 miles away.
When we do see them we have fun and the DGC are lovely with us.
I don’t compare how often we all see them.
I agree that the more people who love them the better.

Lucca

Actually, there is a substantial amount of psychological work that a mother has to do with her new baby. Reva Rubin summarized this work years ago.

A failure to properly bond and connect with the new baby can lead to or worsen PND/PNA.

I don’t think they necessarily are.
Much will depend on geographical location, obviously but also the age and health levels of both Grans, and whether they are still working or retired, but also bearing in mind that the relationship between mothers and daughters can often be fraught.

So while there will no doubt be any amount of anecdotal evidence based on personal experience , I just don’t think you can generalise in the way the thread title does.

As a paternal GM I had 4 tense years of grand parenting before DIL decided that life with Mum ,who wld provide childcare, but on the other side of the world , was a better option.
Appreciate any time you have with your GC as it is so precious.

It very much depends on those involved. Mr. S's parents were very much involved with our boys, my mum not so much as she wasn't really interested.

Peasblossom I do not think that is right which grand parent is closest or sees most of a grandchild depends on many other things before who does the childcare comes in, proximity, age and health of grandparents, relations between new parent and their parents and inlaws, whether grandparents work or not, whether there are other children and grandchildren are around or are even whether they are interested in their grandchildren or not.

I think it definitely tends to be that way but it isn't always. I'm very close to my GS, he lives with me so obviously he sees more of me than his other grandmother. With my other GC they definitely see more of their maternal grandmothers and they were more involved from the word go one due to geography mainly and one just because that's how it has worked out.

Historically speaking, children were reckoned as belonging to their father's blood-line and family, so formerly you might have expected the paternal grand-parents to be the important ones.

However, in the days when people normally lived in the same street or village all their lives, there may not have been much difference in when grandparents visited or how often they did so.

But here we have to remember that a young couple who took over a family farm often had the one set of grandparents living with them.

Even in my childhood in the 1950s there were families that had grandparents living with them, or in one family I knew well two widowed grandmothers.

My mother did not get on particularly well with Daddy's mother, so we saw less of her and Grandpa than of my maternal grandmother, who having a long way to come spent a month with us every summer. Daddy's parents came for short visits once or twice a year.