What would you think if you received this?

Don't forget she'll be hormonal & more emotional than usual depending on what kind of birth experience she's had etc..
She probably feels safer than saying it in a message rather than face to face or over the phone, because for one thing, she'd probably get interrupted with protests like "but I'm your mother, it's OUR first grandchild, what about meeee" and then she'd feel unable to get her points across in a calm & measured way so she that knows she's being understood, burst into tears and give in.

I wouldn't have a problem. These are difficult times and a lot of people are totally ignoring the pandemic. These rules are quite sensible. I would have phoned my daughter to discuss and been fully supportive. I'm guessing that the parents were expecting to be overwhelmed with well meaning visits.

perhaps it's me - I've got lost somewhere along this pregnancy.

Think I'd be more upset that my daughter couldn't and wouldn't commicate face to face with me. Was she worried about her reaction?

OPs sister hasn't mentioned about her daughter at all and wanting to help her just wanting to see the baby. Which is sad really and maybe explains why they have asked everyone for the 2 weeks.

My DS and one of my DDs told us, gently, when our first two DGS were expected, that they wouldn’t be having any visitors at all for at least a week after their babies were born, to give them quiet time together to bond with them. We totally accepted this as the new way of thinking. It didn’t happen. Come the days the babies were born we were asked to visit in hospital straightaway, they were longing for us to meet, and this was the case for their other babies as well. Sometimes the imagined ideal doesn’t seem that good in reality.

My other DD had her first baby last April, and we couldn’t meet properly for weeks, let alone hold him or help out. We’d to view him from across the road, only when they had a justifiable reason for being in the area (remember those days?). It was awful for all of us.

I read it that the mum wanted them to pop in after the birth so she could 'take a peek' at the baby. Have I got that wrong?

2old4this

Awaiting the next instalment in 9 weeks time!

Hithere you have misread the post - this is incorrect:

Asking a woman who just gave birth to stop on the way home from the hospital on your sister's home so she can see the baby - holy entitlement

The baby is not due for another eight weeks, they must have just gone for a checkup.
Not unreasonable to want them to pop in on their way past, surely?
All the daughter had to say if she didn't want to/couldn't was "Sorry, Mum, we're in a bit of a rush today and we'll see you soon, Covid permitting".

It's sad, I think, when relationships are reduced to almost business transactions, with the children being the commodity.

Absolutely fine especially in the current situation. I think your sister is setting herself up for a lot of conflict if she is like this before the birth! When you bring baby home for the first time you just want to get home!

Brilliant MissA

MissAdventure

Like for like - and see how they like it!

grandMattie

I would certainly be taken aback, but… their baby their rules.

Perhaps a bit later, when they want babysitters, you could give them a taste of their own medicine by giving them a list of your needs and wants, saying that you are old and a cold etc., are dangerous for old people as their immune system no longer functions as well as when you were young?

GrandMattie

and GrannyLaine
There's nothing much wrong with their "rules" per se but there's plenty wrong with the patronising tone, silly hearts and the means of communication. That final black heart is telling.

I agree - nothing wrong with the rules especially with Covid around, but this is her mother and presumably her husband's mother too!. A phone call to all the prospective grandparents would have been much better.

As much as I miss our ES and only GC when I read things like this, I'm glad to be out of it.

I think I'd write a carefully and tactfully worded charter of my own.
Please don't wake me at a ridiculous hour because your baby has a rash.
Never, ever interrupt my nights out with complaints that your baby can't sleep.
If, (only after being invited) you feel tired, please don't fall asleep on my couch and expect me to take over the childcare.
Please do not spoil my carefully planned night of debauchery because you have an invitation to go out, and you need a babysitter.
Please always wash your hands after touching your child, as I do not like baby dribble on my paintwork.

Summerlove

2old4this

This is in fact my niece writing to her mother, my sister.
My sister spoke to daughter inviting them to stop off on the way back from hospital so that she could meet baby, she was told firmly no, they would not call in, despite my sisters house being en route home. Even if they just stopped the car so that my sister could have a peek. No. She then received this message, and sister phoned daughter again to say 'but I'm your mum......" only to be told that the other grandma didn't have a problem, the answer is still No! I'm deeply annoyed with my niece. The baby is due in 8 weeks

With this back story I now understand the email. (Though it’s not my preference). Your sister sounds unable to hear the word no.

I’m not sure why you are annoyed with your niece though. Sounds like she tried to explain and was hitting a brick wall.

I agree. From the update, it sounds as though OP's sister was told no over the phone (or in person) and had a hard time accepting it. I understand the need for a note now.

I would never ask a woman who just gave birth to stop by because "it's on the way home".

I do think the parents could accommodate the grandparents for a few hours after they go home, before hunkering down, but that is not what this couple have chosen to do for whatever reason.

highlanddreams

I totally get it especially with this covid situation, they may not have said it in a subtle way but take it in & give them some space, they need it, they only get this time once, grandparents you've had your time with your first baby so let them have theirs.
When I had my first child nobody asked, they just piled in all day every day without calling first and played pass the parcel with my baby waking him up from a nap so they could coo in his little face and bounce him up and down etc If I said anything my MIL would stand near the pram and fake cough loudly so he would stir and she would dive straight in and grab him out to play with like a dolly. I was expected to make teas, coffees and snacks all day long and then have it all to clean up when they'd finally gone home .It was exhausting and really spoiled my experience. If I went out, everyone wanted to push my pram never realising that I would actually like to do it myself sometimes! My MIL jumped in on all the firsts, first nappies, first teddy bear, first doll, first shoes etc she just wouldn't back off. She insisted on making cot and pram sheets but despite having both cot pram stored at her house, she made them too small and I had to go and buy some last minute,
Try and be more understanding of their needs it's their first baby, it's not all about you, so say ok & tell them you're ready to help with whatever they need help with and not to be afraid to ask.

This made me so sad...and angry, and testament to why grandparents really need to back off and stop harassing their grownup children.

When I gave birth to my first baby, mid eighties, I had a pregnancy book which came free with a pack.

Very simple and easy to follow. One paragraph I distinctly remember, is the one on ‘ Arriving home’. It advised new parents not to have visitors, but if you really had to...no making them cups of tea etc.

Of course, in those days, you were in hospital a week for your first, so any visitors got to see the baby there. By the time other babies came, you were hopefully on a roller.

What’s with the black heart? I thought that denoted a child death?

One of my dc took this stance but for six weeks. I didn’t question it, their baby, their rules, but it was ironic that when ds phoned to tell us the news his first words after were ‘He’s so beautiful, I wish that you could see him!’ I held my tongue.
When their second was born, we were asked to go and help out.

I just think there are far too many touchy grandmas around today ready to take offence at the most trivial thing and wanting to get far too involved with their grandchildren

Lets go back to the days when most people didn't have phones, couldn't afford to travel and relied on letters and telegrams.My sister was 18 months old before even her father saw her (wartime).

Neither set of grandparents saw my youngest sister until she was nearly 3 months old. We then lived 250 miles from them and none of us had cars and one off unplanned journeys were unaffordable - and my father was an army officer, so not poor.

I have found the best way to be close to grandchildren and their parents is to back off and let them make the running - and that applies from birth, if not before.

Well I’m not a gran but I hope I wouldn’t be so intrusive as to ask them to pop in on the way back from hospital. Back in the day when my son was born both GMs visited in hospital within a day but that was in hospital and these are different times. I suspect your sister’s rather needy sounding pleading raised a red flag. She does need to understand that they need their own time together with the baby and I hope she won’t be one of these GMs who are constantly inviting themselves, desperate to see what is after all someone else’s baby, not theirs. Nevertheless I think they could have communicated in a more personal way. I’m not criticising their rules but unfortunately if you take away the hearts it reads rather like a business email. Maybe they are young people trying to get their message across but not experienced in getting it quite right.

What complete and utter rubbish. I’d leave them to it. They’ll soon be in contact when they need something.

GrannyLaine

There's nothing much wrong with their "rules" per se but there's plenty wrong with the patronising tone, silly hearts and the means of communication. That final black heart is telling.

My thoughts too.

Plus I think that the grandparents, as parents of the parents, deserve more than a generic email message. It might be another generation along before the new parents realize/understand this, though.

One of my own sons and his wife also wanted a little alone time with their first baby, but were able to communicate this in a much more sensitive way.

I totally get it especially with this covid situation, they may not have said it in a subtle way but take it in & give them some space, they need it, they only get this time once, grandparents you've had your time with your first baby so let them have theirs.
When I had my first child nobody asked, they just piled in all day every day without calling first and played pass the parcel with my baby waking him up from a nap so they could coo in his little face and bounce him up and down etc If I said anything my MIL would stand near the pram and fake cough loudly so he would stir and she would dive straight in and grab him out to play with like a dolly. I was expected to make teas, coffees and snacks all day long and then have it all to clean up when they'd finally gone home .It was exhausting and really spoiled my experience. If I went out, everyone wanted to push my pram never realising that I would actually like to do it myself sometimes! My MIL jumped in on all the firsts, first nappies, first teddy bear, first doll, first shoes etc she just wouldn't back off. She insisted on making cot and pram sheets but despite having both cot pram stored at her house, she made them too small and I had to go and buy some last minute,
Try and be more understanding of their needs it's their first baby, it's not all about you, so say ok & tell them you're ready to help with whatever they need help with and not to be afraid to ask.

My first thought was that this is all totally reasonable, but for someone so close, it would have been better delivered personally, as part of a conversation.
However, I agree with those who say that the update gives us more context, and honestly (because we can be on here) I think your sister unreasonable.
If that is how she reacts when having a conversation, I am not surprised that a very clear email was sent.

I would have hated, as a new mum to have been required to call by someone's house - and neither my mum or MiL would have expected it. Your niece sensibly realises that she may be in discomfort, if not pain, with an unpredictable new baby; she doesn't want to add in a 'complication'.

We don't know, but now have a glimpse of the relationship. I suspect your niece is anxious not to be overwhelmed. I don't know, but I wonder if your sister hadn't pushed so hard, but graciously accepted the initial request, then she might not find the lines being drawn so firmly.

Because I'm a 'pleaser' I might have said 'OK' to calling in, then rung to say 'didn't call round, not feeling up to it'. However, I applaud your niece for being clear!

PS: What would your mother have expected of you and your sister - where you supposed to dance to her tune? I would have thought any woman who has given birth would realise that she want to get back to home comfort with her baby asap.