What would you think if you received this?

That's your opinion Maw and you are welcome to it. I disagree with you I just think we have a disappointed 1st time Gran who said something clumsily. I dont think there is anything wrong with the Gran just having a look. It would not take much time and it would make her happy.
I am totally fed up with this crap about boundaries, rules, and you must not do this or that.
It would not bother me about not seeing my grandchild for the 1st two weeks, and I would respect my daughter or son if they said this, but not if they sent a round robin text.
I think this woman's daughter is a royal pain in the arse. I am so glad all my family and the people I know are not like this. I honestly had never heard all this nonsense until I started going on forums.
Also there are many cultures in my family and none of this happens. Mother and Father are happy for people to welcome the baby.

They do sound precious and I wouldn't be happy to receive a request worded this way. However, she is still pregnant, baby due between Christmas and New Year and of course, their baby, their rules. I give it 48 hours after the baby is born before she is on the phone to her Mum!

MissAdventure

Actually, I have to retract what I said, because I do know someone who is like it, now I've thought about it.

Actually, I have to retract what I said, because I do know someone who is like it, now I've thought about it.

MissAdventure

I have never met any grandparents like the ones described on these threads.
Most that I know will babysit to help out.
The rest of the time they are busy having an active life which doesn't include even thinking about the children's children constantly.

Who and where are these women? They are always women, too.

my lovely Mil had a AWFUL friend who was like this. She had no children of her own so fixed on me as the baby provider. Every time we met she went on and on about how my Mil was desperate for GC's and how she would LOVE to care for a baby and I'd never have to worry about sitters (we didn't even live near her or Mil, we lived some 70 miles away!). We had plans that didn't involve children (went travelling) so there was no actual problem but I could imagine her being the Mil from Hell.....so yes they do exist. and no this is not a modern construct, this was some 40 years ago.

Drama not frame

If tge mother did ask her dAughter to stop off on her way home I think she is wrong, of course they shouldn’t have been asked that. Perhaps it was that incident that sparked the awful letter. The daughter should have told her mother straight that could they just wait until they felt ready, before they we’re invited, same about the kissing etc. If they don’t like it I would let tgem come round to the idea. I can’t see anyone doing that anyway because surely we always put baby first. I can’t stand other people kissing babies, that would definitely upset me, and definitely not a new born and when there’s Covid about. Why can’t people talk about things instead of making a frame out of it.

I think a lot of the points in the message are reflective of some of the advice being given out today; we were certainly told (with our DC three years ago) that a week or two without visitors would help establish breastfeeding. The COVID related points are, of course, very obviously sensible.

The message doesn’t sound like it was delivered in the best way, but it’s the easiest way of making sure everyone is clear on all points and receive the same message; it certainly prevents some of the early competitive grandparenting which can occur!

Rafchagran anybody who expects a new mum to “pop in on her way home from hospital” is IMO absolutely selfish and entitled. For heavens sake- they’re not on their way home from the supermarket! It’s like these parents and in laws who insist on being in the delivery room - not their business!
It’s not all about Gran.
It’s about the new parents -about both of them, taking their baby to his/her new home , becoming a little family and gran has to know her place - which is not the most important person in the family.
Even if she is disappointed Gran has to zip her lip, be the grown up and be sensitive to a new mum’s hormones and emotions.
I hope that my three daughters, mothers of my 6 lovely grandchildren know that while I would lie down on front of a bus for any of them, I also know when not to barge in asserting my rights “because I am your mother”
No wonder we have so many threads about breakdowns in relationships between grandparents and adult children, about estrangement and also all the moans and rants about feeling left out or accused of interference.
It’s like something out of the mid-19th century! Incredible.

I have never met any grandparents like the ones described on these threads.
Most that I know will babysit to help out.
The rest of the time they are busy having an active life which doesn't include even thinking about the children's children constantly.

Who and where are these women? They are always women, too.

I was discussing this thread with my daughter at lunchtime, she immediately recognised the problem of people who are concerned with setting boundaries for themselves but don't quite get the communication right and fail to see the hurt they cause to those around them. It ends up turning out badly, which seems to be the case here, even though the boundaries themselves are reasonable. It is apparently termed "boundary bullying"

I'm so going to be the opposite sort of grandmother than my children have had. I'm hoping not for a few more years though.

I don't understand how when the grandchildren come along for some it's like it's their own baby, they won't be my babies and I see my role as more supporting my children not focusing on the new baby.

So if supporting my children means two weeks bonding time, getting a vaccine or no kissing that won't be hard.

rafichagran

I dont think the, "Oh, but I am your Mum" is rude and entitled, I think it is someone who is disappointed, who is not perfect, who maybe expressed it badly.
I am lucky I have never experienced all this, and I dont know anyone who has other than on forums.
I have to say though, if my adult son or daughter said no visitors to me, it would not bother me. If they sent that text I would be annoyed that my adult children turned out such disrespectful joyless adults.

rafichgran
Thinks this sums it up pretty well, I don’t think her mum is rude and entitled by what was probably a disappointed first time nan’s knee jerk reaction when she realized she wouldn’t be meeting her new grandchild for a couple of weeks .
I’m also pretty certain she would understand the COVID hand washing and germs situation and wouldn’t want to endanger the baby in anyway, I’m sure she would be only to pleased to be making tea and coffee so her daughter and. Sil could have a rest.
As someone said earlier common sense
The message does seem to have sucked the joy out of what should be a happy occasion.

To be honest, when I had my daughter I didn't give my mum a thought. I was besotted with my baby and all I could think of was getting her home.

I dont think the, "Oh, but I am your Mum" is rude and entitled, I think it is someone who is disappointed, who is not perfect, who maybe expressed it badly.
I am lucky I have never experienced all this, and I dont know anyone who has other than on forums.
I have to say though, if my adult son or daughter said no visitors to me, it would not bother me. If they sent that text I would be annoyed that my adult children turned out such disrespectful joyless adults.

reading some of these replies and attitudes, i can see why it is better to be clear in advance.

rafichagran

Greenlady Cant see the problem with then just stopping so Mum/Grandma can peek. Would I expect them too, no but I know that my son and daughter would love too, however not necessary as I saw my Grandchildren.
I still find all these rules and boundaries bloody ridiculous, and the person who I discussed this with for another opinion said all this was alien to her.
I really feel most people are sensible and do not make a big show off look at me I am pregnant statement via a round Robin text.
I accept I must be lucky as none of my family behave like that, and neither do I know any thank goodness.
It's not sensible it is rude and patronising.

what I see the problem with is being asked and saying no. and getting the "oh but I am your Mum" reaction. I think that is both rude and entitled.

Greenlady Cant see the problem with then just stopping so Mum/Grandma can peek. Would I expect them too, no but I know that my son and daughter would love too, however not necessary as I saw my Grandchildren.
I still find all these rules and boundaries bloody ridiculous, and the person who I discussed this with for another opinion said all this was alien to her.
I really feel most people are sensible and do not make a big show off look at me I am pregnant statement via a round Robin text.
I accept I must be lucky as none of my family behave like that, and neither do I know any thank goodness.
It's not sensible it is rude and patronising.

Oh Ps I suspect that the round robin note was created to send to everyone which leads me to expect that there have been past expectations that some parts of the family have expected preferential treatment!

rafichagran

I feel sad, where is the joy, seems to me it's all about boundaries and rules.
That text was unnecessary, the daughter is so up herself sending that round Robin. As a frend if I recieved it I would laugh and ignore it. As a Mother if I recieved it, my reaction like a poster upthread said it would be ending with off.
I think I am lucky, I honestly know no one like that in real life, I think the whole text was patronising and unnecessary.

and how would your reaction help? Would you have expected the mum to stop on the way home from hospital "so I can see the baby" and would you have pulled the "but I am your Mum" stunt when that was quite reasonably refused?

greenlady102

DiscoDancer1975

I think it’s fair enough, but would have been better if they’d talked to the grandparents, rather than send a message.

If it’s what they want, it has to be respected. When we had our children, everyone saw them, if they could, at first. Then we battened down the hatches for two weeks.

To be honest, at the moment with covid and any number of other viruses going around, I think they’re being wise....but yes, I would not have liked the mode of delivery. Would have accepted the reasoning.

from the drip feed it sounds to me like they thought that they wouldn't be heard and their requests wouldn't have been complied with.

Yes...in the later posts, it became clearer that the young couple had tried to talk to the grandparents, and it had fallen on deaf ears.

Did rather change things didn’t it?

I feel sad, where is the joy, seems to me it's all about boundaries and rules.
That text was unnecessary, the daughter is so up herself sending that round Robin. As a frend if I recieved it I would laugh and ignore it. As a Mother if I recieved it, my reaction like a poster upthread said it would be ending with off.
I think I am lucky, I honestly know no one like that in real life, I think the whole text was patronising and unnecessary.

DiscoDancer1975

I think it’s fair enough, but would have been better if they’d talked to the grandparents, rather than send a message.

If it’s what they want, it has to be respected. When we had our children, everyone saw them, if they could, at first. Then we battened down the hatches for two weeks.

To be honest, at the moment with covid and any number of other viruses going around, I think they’re being wise....but yes, I would not have liked the mode of delivery. Would have accepted the reasoning.

from the drip feed it sounds to me like they thought that they wouldn't be heard and their requests wouldn't have been complied with.

Namsnanny ??

Rise above it darling

Needs must.
I'm floating way up in the stratosphere hollysteers ??