Grandparents don't help or make effort

I have my GC to stay too Lucca, in fact they've had sleepovers 3 times this week alone, including last night. But it's on my terms. If I thought that there was any sense of "duty or expectation" about it, except in an emergency, I wouldn't do it. Boundaries are good.

To help bringing up the next generation

I certinly didn't think of having grandchildren when I had my own children.

There are not just two types of grandparent - there are a myriad.

Those who interfere and upset their DC and DCIL, those who are scared to offer help for fear of being accused of interfering, who are very busy with their own lives, those who feel obliged to look after DGC to help out parents struggling financially, those who can't bear the thought of DGC being taken away from them etc etc.

Some are still working and/or have their own elderly parents to care for. Or just feel that now they are retired they want freedom t enjoy their lives without offering the commitment to help being up the next generation

Like pebbles on beach- all different.

I haven’t read all the responses, but this is interesting Kzzharr. Usually..when young mums come on here, it’s the opposite problem. So too much interference. Especially from the in laws.

I see it from both sides, well three really, because my own MIL was awful, and it eventually led to estrangement. I have two sons, two daughters. It is widely known that girls tend to gravitate towards their own mums, though not always. I’ve also got two DILs. It’s fair to say I am much more careful around them.

You may find the ‘ treading on eggshells’ thread quite helpful. It may be your MIL senses you just want her because your own mum isn’t available. I admit I have felt a bit used in that way too, but the upshot is, I get to spend time with my grandchildren.

We do get weary, and this may come across as disinterest. The best thing to do..is just talk to her. It may be she doesn’t want to impose. She won’t find doing that with her daughter’s child a problem.

Congratulations by the way, and enjoy. Get yourself into a good routine, and stick to it. For example, shower when the baby is asleep.

All the best?

She is just wanting a bit of interest shown !

I have grandchildren to stay because I love it but I also have “a life” by the way,

It isn't about 'giving' or 'doing'. It's about love.

Precisely. So if the grandparents don't have to give or do anything, how have you extrapolated that they don't love their grandchild? They could just be too involved in the life that they've built up for themselves now that their own children have flown the nest. Maybe the fact that they've already been sounded out for child minding duties "now and then" is something that they don't want to encourage. Not all of us want babies thrust on us to look after on a regular basis; we have fulfilling lives of our own without that. If Kzzharr has one set of GPs who want to be fully immersed in the hands on granny mode, that's fine; leave the other set alone to live their lives as they like.

GagaJo

anna7

Kzzharr is not asking the grandparents to look after her child. As I read her posts she just hoped that they might be interested in their grandchild and is disappointed that they are not. That sounds very reasonable to me and not in the least entitled.

Exactly Anna. It isn't about 'giving' or 'doing'. It's about love.

Agreed, that’s what I said too!

Agree with purple star too.

So sorry Kzzharr, I'm 64 and an older Mum, neither of my kids have children yet. I am truly sorry they can't be the grandparents you want them to be.

kzzharr, I mean this in the nicest way, but once you’ve gone back to work I don’t see how your MiL could be looking after the baby ‘now and then’?
Surely it’d have to be a regular commitment, otherwise presumably you’d need to find emergency childcare elsewhere, which could easily be a problem.

This was one thing I asked dd, when undertaking to do a day a week with a then 9 month old - what if I was ill? Or for some other reason (e.g. a broken arm) meant I couldn’t do it? Was she confident of being able to find alternative care?

anna7

Kzzharr is not asking the grandparents to look after her child. As I read her posts she just hoped that they might be interested in their grandchild and is disappointed that they are not. That sounds very reasonable to me and not in the least entitled.

Exactly Anna. It isn't about 'giving' or 'doing'. It's about love.

Kzzharr is not asking the grandparents to look after her child. As I read her posts she just hoped that they might be interested in their grandchild and is disappointed that they are not. That sounds very reasonable to me and not in the least entitled.

Kzzharr,I am so saddened by alot of responses,sometimes I feel its an age thing.The older generation and there" back in my day we just got on with it" kind of attitude.I really empathise with you.I can't imagine having a new baby during the pandemic,with very little support. It is their loss! Some people just seem to be like that,though we can't understand it.Sad for them and all the bonding,and precious times they're missing out on.It sounds like you've tried.I know it hurts,I've been there but some people are stubborn and stuck in their ways,just thinking of themselves.
All the best to you and your little family

I agree, Chewbacca.

Chewbacca

^I don't understand why people have children if in the future they don't want to make the most^ of their children's children.

What an odd thing to say Kzzharr. When you decided to have your child, did you sit down and make the determined decision that you were having your child so that you could look after grandchildren in the future? Nope, didn't think so. As several other posters have said, your in law's aren't obliged to look after or interact with your children at all. If they do, it's a gift, not a right. We have our own lives to live, we've raised our own children, now it's your turn. Be grateful if you do get help and interaction but you can't demand it. You sound rather entitled.

I don't think she sounds entitled at all. She hoped the grandparents would love their grandchild is all. As anyone would.

Poor little baby. But as least he's got one loving granny.

I don't understand why people have children if in the future they don't want to make the most of their children's children.

What an odd thing to say Kzzharr. When you decided to have your child, did you sit down and make the determined decision that you were having your child so that you could look after grandchildren in the future? Nope, didn't think so. As several other posters have said, your in law's aren't obliged to look after or interact with your children at all. If they do, it's a gift, not a right. We have our own lives to live, we've raised our own children, now it's your turn. Be grateful if you do get help and interaction but you can't demand it. You sound rather entitled.

Hi everyone! Lots of useful and then also really unhelpful comments on here, there are clearly two types on grandparents. The ones who are lovely and caring and want to see the little ones grow up and the ones who see it as a chore.

I don't understand why people have children if in the future they don't want to make the most of their children's children.
I have invited them round, we've been put for walks (during lockdown) I asked if she wanted to push the pram but she didn't.
I send regular photos and updates but she reads the messages and then doesn't reply. In fact, once she replied a couple of weeks later and then asked me to do go to the shop for her. As if I didn't have enough on my plate. My partner is constantly doing things for them, muchore than the daughters do as I think he is seeking approval but there is a clear preference. We asked whether she'd like to look after baby when I go back to work, maybe a morning every now and then but she politely declined (which is absolutely fine)
They are probably waiting for baby to get older when he's more 'fun' however by then, he won't have that special bond with them that he has with my parents. Like a few people have said, it's their loss isn't it.

Callistemon

Witzend

Maybe they’ve been reading MN and seeing all the many vociferous complaints about MiLs/PiLs, calling round too much, wanting to be too involved, too often offering to help.

Yes, can't do right for doing wrong

I couldn't agree more. We see so many posts on Gransnet from DiLs complaining about their MiL for one reason or another. Of course, some of the complaints are not without reason, but sometimes they can be quite spiteful and, not surprisingly, the MiL can be left feeling very hurt. When we read these complaints, it's not surprising that some Mils will feel a little apprehensive about offering help, and they will hold back for fear of overstepping the mark.

Quite often, we see posts from MiLs who feel left out, as their DiL doesn't want them visiting, or helping out at all. We are all fully aware that most daughters will gravitate towards their own mother and for that reason some of us will wait to be asked if any help is needed. It can be very upsetting if you offer to help out, but then realise that your DiL doesn't want any help from you. For this reason, some MiLs will think they are doing the right thing by not offering, as they don't want to be seen as interfering.

Now, we have the OPs scenario of a DiL feeling hurt that her MiL isn't offering any help/support/visiting/etc. As Witzend said, maybe she's been reading some of the posts from complaining DiLs, and has decided to wait until she's asked.

KzzharrIf you say your husband's family are close, and he said he thought his mum would be very excited about your baby, I can only imagine that she doesn't want to be that 'interfering MiL'. I can understand that you feel hurt and left out when you see your MiL spending so much time with her own daughter and her baby, but this is what most daughters seem to want, or at least it's what we MiLs are constantly being told. You can't necessarily blame your MiL for not automatically giving you the help and support you were hoping for. I do hope you can see this from the point of view of some MiLs ...

My advice going forward would be to continue visiting your MiL, and invite her to you, keep the relationship going. And I'd definitely speak to your DH about the way you feel. If he is close to his mum, it should be easy for him to say to her that you could really do with a bit of help now and then, as they are the only support network you have close by, even if it's just for the odd half an hour or so, just so you could have a bit of a break. I hope it all works out for you.

Witzend

Maybe they’ve been reading MN and seeing all the many vociferous complaints about MiLs/PiLs, calling round too much, wanting to be too involved, too often offering to help.

Yes, can't do right for doing wrong

I agree it must be awful not to have local GP support. Based on my experience a long time ago, could it be gender based? My in laws esp MiL had no interest in my sons but when DD was born, she was showered with clothes and infant jewellery . MiL even made the 250 mile trip to visit for the first time ever in 14 years. ?

Kzzarr, so sorry to read you've been having such a difficult time, and feeling so unsupported by your in-laws especially during lockdown.
It can feel very isolating to be on your own with a baby, especially when you're a new Mum.
If I were you, I would discuss the situation with DH and see what he thinks about it. It does seem very imbalanced how they behave with your baby and their DD's child, but I suppose it's their decision and nothing you can do about it.
I hope you can find some social outlet for yourself and your little one, playgroups can be great or libraries sometimes run groups for new Mums.
Sending you hugs and try not to let it get you down.

I expect their daughter just goes round with the baby and visits, probably has never asked to visit just turns up. You reckon they expect you to do the same, perhaps they fear they maybe interfering. They will almost certainly wait for an invitation to visit, this comes up on Gransnet and grans are usually encouraged not to visit uninvited. I think it is true that as the years go by some people do worry about dealing with small children and feel they have done their bit, others of course the complete opposite.

Reading through this thread… I’m a bit surprised at the number of “miserable “ comments !OP as far as I could see was not demanding her in-laws look after her child , just show some interest !
The “ive brought up my children and expect my children to look after theirs” oh dear so mealy mouthed. I look after my grandchildren when I can and love it (it’s not my whole life by the way) it keeps me young ! Just had them for a week in my own. Exhausted but it was fun

I finished raising children many years ago. I expect my children to take care of their children.

I did not help with my grandchildren as that would have been interfering with another household. I would have helped if I dad been asked to do so.

I have come across quite a few who say they have done their child rearing and don’t want to do any more now they are older and I was wondering if these grandparents have that view. One woman I used to know would never babysit because she simply didn’t want to. She said , ‘ I have done my time and now it’s time for me.’