Grandparents don't help or make effort

I agree with everyone who says it's their loss. My DC once asked if 'nanny' loved her other grandchild (her DD'd)more than her as she made it obvious that her DD's children were far more important. She never offered help with anything, not even the washing up, but would come and stay for 2 or 3 weeks at a time. When her DD had a child she was hands on with everything.

I am so sorry you feel you are not being supported and if i was your mother in law I would be there in a flash. I unfortunately have the opposite situation from you. If i wish to see my only grandchild I have to visit him at his house. Even though I get on really well with my DIL she never visits on her own with baby and her choice of baby sitters is her mum or brother. I have offered help, i have phoned - i never visit without asking and i ask what my GS eats etc so as to keep to his routine. I think some MIL dont realise how lucky they are to be wanted and not feel they are on the outside looking in. I hope your MIL changes as she will be missing out on so much xx

I was sorry to read this, I haven’t read all the responses but what I have read has shocked me. I completely understand why you are upset that these grandparents can be so detached. It’s not you that needs professional help, you are obviously warm and caring, it’s their attitude that’s questionable. We’re grandparents in-law, and live a good few miles away but are as hands on as possible with our grandchildren, why wouldn’t you be?

I didn't have to be asked! My DIL has her parents a 5 minute car ride away but I was working in London. However, I didn't take any holidays as such...when I had leave (very generous 6 weeks per year) I would drive up to the north and help out. My DIL's mother was dependant on her for care, so I felt duty bound to go and give support whenever I could. I would take my first grand-child out in the pram for long walks so my DIL could get some rest or a bit of space for herself. I had another 2 grand-children and would spend as much time as my job would allow to spend time with them and give parents support. When my last grand-child was born, and after several chats with my son & DIL, I decided to leave my job and relocate so I could be the secondary carer for my little grand-daughter. I got part-time work and when I wasn't working I was minding my little grand-daughter. When my DIL returned to work after M/L, I carried on spending as much time looking after my grand-daughter as I could. This would often entail being with her from 7am until sometimes late at night (helping out with tea times, bathing ad infinitum). I never felt as though I was interfering but that my help and support were necessary and invaluable. Distance should be no object in my opinion because there are ways around this.

When son and daughter in law had first baby I was determined to never visit unless asked and when there, to be useful, not sit about having to be waited on. Because that was the problem with my mother in law..when my children were babies..

I agree tidyskatemum.

Everyone is different and it does sound like you’ve tried to include them but doesn’t sound like they want to be.

Have you tried becoming closer to the sister in law for play dates etc?

You’ve obviously had a rough year as both my daughter and DiL have both having had babies. DiL lives close and we have gd one day a week plus visits at weekends which has bought us all closer together. Daughter lives 1.5 hours away but see couple times month and FaceTime most days.

They both now know all they have to do is ask and if we can we’ll help.

You need to talk to your husband about how you feel, it’s hard for new dads too as I don’t think they have the natural bond that mothers have with newborns. Which is frustrating for you mums. If you can try to see your friends more and get out and about.

I would stop worrying about your sons relationship with them, just carry on being good mum and he’ll always know you love him!

Oh, families are inexplicable sometimes. I was very much alone bringing up.my babies - my mum had died and my MiL at that time was an alcoholic ( fortunately living far away). My second husband has been a wonderful step father and grandfather/step grandfather, never seriously complaining about his responsibilities and we have spent a lot of time helping out in all sorts of ways. BUT we have a lot of projects ourselves and I can quite understand that energy is limited when people get past a certain age and very young children can just be too much. Have you thought of make my a regular arrangement, say once a fortnight, to have your in - laws over for a meal? Don't worry if they aren't cooing over the new family member - maybe not baby oriented. Just their presence will ensure some kind of connection when your baby gets older and more interesting for them. Good luck!

I would love to be near my daughter and my 9 month old grandson but they live the other side of the world. I relish all the photos videos and WhatsApp calls I get. Even though I have not met him in person my heart melts every time I see him. I worry sometimes that I will not have the bond with him that I would have liked but my daughter is great at keeping the online contact between us.
I am sorry your MIL does not want to be close to her grandson but that is up to her. Enjoy the visits with your own mum and your time with your baby before you go back to work.

As an Inlaw to all my grandkids. I can see there side. You don’t say what your relationship is like with them before baby was born. I live away from my grandkids at present. I wouldn’t just drop in on them. They always know when visiting them. Just remember the world doesn’t involve just round you. Also I only had last grandchild in nov only got to meet her a month ago due to covid. I also have get on different with both my daughter inlaws. One as always included me with grandkids and the other didn’t. Bet it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to guess which one I get on with the most and it’s not for lack of trying with the other. So what is yours like.

CleoPanda

Gosh the OP really doesn’t like anything that doesn’t thoroughly support everything she says!!
If she’s actually wanting to hear other peoples opinions and thoughts she has to accept there will be conflicting ideas - preferably without having a go at them - as she has several times throughout this thread - even swearing at one poster!
I’d better not give my opinion or risk a verbal attack!

Swearing at one poster ?? Do you mean when she started with “Jesus..”. I don’t blame her, she was being got at and called entitled.
She’s gone now, quite rightly, as everything useful or not useful has been said.

Our whole family have always been the just drop in anytime people but our DIL couldn't accept this. We always ring our son first who always says pop over. DIL is more welcoming as previously used to take herself upstairs for a nap.
Perhaps they are waiting for an invite as that's their culture. Maybe an open invite to visit at a set time every week would help or perhaps for lunch on a weekend.
Worth trying All the best xx

I agree with you OP, I find it strange too. I'm a Grandma to my sons child but I couldn't be any closer and always offer to help out whenever I can, Both my husband and myself also work but its my family ! I feel its totally wrong to have favourites and only spend time with one grandchild and not bother with the other and those of you who feel its ok maybe don't come from a very loving family or are self absorbed. I get it that not all adults love children but then I wonder, why have children then, Grandchildren are an extension of your children so why wouldn't you want to see them ? I feel if your baby and the niece are close in age then it maybe better getting closer to your SIL as you will have more in common with her and be part of the family that way. Good luck

I really don't see why grandparents are demonised for not being overjoyed to have grandchildren.
Recently it seems to be the big thing to dote on one's grandchildren. But there are those that, once they've had their own children, wash their hands of childcare.
I see no problem with not being a hands-on grandparent.

I would love to be your Grandmother to your baby, I would love to help and assist with your baby.
I have a Grandaughter age 8 years who I really enjoy spending time with but my daughter falls out with me regularly and uses my Grandaughter like a Pawn not letting me see her or take her on outings etc.
I am really upset and angry I have not seen her for 3 x weeks now and it is school holidays I have booked for her to go horse riding at the end of August with my 10 year old foster son who also misses her coming to play etc...
You can adopt me if you like I adore babies......

Oh my lovely ,This is so sad to hear .I have 8 Grandchildren I love them to bits I enjoy having them when I can.
I had the same issues as you are having don't worry about it .They grandchildren won't be young for ever and they will see who the careing Grandparents are.Trust me your better of with out a granny or grandad who are not intrested(mine didn't like being called nan either So that's my answer right there).
Just worry about you your husband and your bubba. These part time grandparents really isn't worth the greif let them get on with it ..Leave them to work on their lives
Good luck x

It really is important to communicate - there’s a lot of second guessing here - my advice is to say directly to your in-laws that you’re looking for a good relationship between them and your son and more to the point between your son and his cousin who they seem to be minding a lot. Suggest how this can be achieved - be clear - maybe they take him one morning a week to a baby music group and on another morning they take your sister-inlaw’s baby to something similar and you go with them so both babies get the experience - I would be proactive and not leave it because that’s how it works because it doesn’t have to be the way you describe and st the end of the day it’s the children who are important going forward so you. Wes to create a relationship between the cousins - they’ll be glad of each other when their grandparents and parents aren’t around any longer .

I look after two of my grandchildren three days/week during the summer holidays. Another two spent the first week with us on holiday in Scotland and they're coming up for the last week of the holidays. Can't think of ever not being able to spend quality time with any of them. I've been looking after them for the last six years. So blessed. Grandparents can definitely enhance a child's life and vice versa.

As cousins, they see each other every six weeks or so

We're currently playing in our "den" and inking and stamping patterns. Three year olds!!! Lol

I think a lot of paternal grandparents feel that their DIL resents interest or offers of help from them. I know of many who feel that the young mother's parents are monopolising the grandchild.

Invite your MIL for a cup of tea or coffee one day, and then ask her if she or they have time to help out occasionally with the child.

Explain that you would really love your baby to have a good relationship with all the grandparents

If you mentioned it, I missed it, but I got the impression that your child is a boy - some grandparents these days seem greatly to prefer little girls - which I don't understand, but I suspect they are shy about offering to help you, where they quite naturally help their own daughter.

Could the problem be that your sister-in-law is less than thrilled by all this help and that your MIL is afraid of putting a foot wrong with you?

Why don’t you just sit down with a brew and tell them how your feeling. You never know there may not even know. We grandparents not mind readers. When I visit my grandkids the parents go out at lunchtime stay in a hotel and come back following day. Because I don’t live local that’s mine time to babysit and have time alone with grandkids. Due to covid a lot of us haven’t had time with grandkids and are trying to make it up. My youngest granddaughter was born nov. I’d love to just pick her up for nanna hugs. But I didn’t because I didn’t want to upset the daughter inlaw. I waited until she asked me. I asked if could take for a walk. I said go out for nice meal etc my son all for it. My daughter inlaw said no. Her mum and sister do it all the time. I understand she knows them. I’m the mum inlaw I’m a mum a nanna and an ex child minder. My granddaughter from my sons first wife. Let me take her for a week at time etc and still does. My other daughter inlaw she lets me. Take grandson and step grandson. My step grandson grandparents are interested in him.

I think in-laws can’t do right for doing wrong…would you be on here complaining they interfere too much, if they were much more involved?…Daughters and Mothers usually have a much closer relationship than In-laws do, so maybe that’s why they feel more comfortable/seem more interested in their daughter’s child…I lived very far away from my folks when I had my son and, ridiculously, I always felt my Mother-in-Law who lived close by, was criticising me somehow when she tried to get involved with the baby. I was young and foolish and ready to take offence…are you sure that’s not where you are too?

That is such a shame, perhaps invite your MIL out for lunch or a walk and have a chat to her. It may be that they are frightened that you want them to look after your child if you wanted to go back to work, so you could reasure her that this is not the case.
I am in the opposite position, I would love to see and help with my grandchildren but I was never wanted or asked until one of sons was forced to leave home and came to stay with and his 2 children come every 2 weeks for 3 days and I love that and do what I can to make them happy.
My other 2 DIL want nothing to do with me and do not send photos or anything, they only contact if they want money,
My husband recently passed away and they did not even bother with me then and I have never done anything to them.

Maybe they are just waiting to be asked or invited round?
As you are their daughter in law, they may not feel comfortable on just landing on your doorstep without first being invited !
Speak to your OH and see what he thinks and maybe get him involved.
There does seem to be an assumption that grandparents will automatically be there to help - it could be, as I said or they might believe that you are coping fine on your own.
It is difficult, I know with your first child and nice to have help at hand. I had to struggle through on my own with my son - my MiL and SiL that were just round the corner both worked full time, my own mum was across the other side of the world! I found out that my other SiL had offered to come round and help with things like ironing etc but my husband told her that I was fine and didn't need the help - after she had had to listen to him whingeing that a shirt he wanted to wear hadn't been ironed for him!

Yes of course you would like some help and interest. You are a new mother and we all remember what that was like! I am a grandmother of 4 grandchildren and mother to 3 daughters. I have always been involved with the babies and am on rota's for care/school pickup'occasional sleepovers etc. This is, I've realised, because i am the most trusted, closest female my daughters know. They do not know their mothers in law enough to say what they'd like or not like for their children or that they'd understand their worries. Your mother in law is aware you are not their daughter and may think anything may be considered interfering or thinking they know better.

Mothers of sons are terrified of doing something wrong, not saying the right thing, looking overbearing, interfering, etc etc.

Just ask if mother in law would like to go a walk with you and baby. Let her push pram. You are doing nothing wrong this is just mother in law being cautious. Not replying to photo's is probably due to her not knowing how. Many people are not social media competent. My middle daughters mother in law didn't even reply to my daughter messaging she had Covid!

Try a very slow approach and if there's still no response you've made an attempt.

Your husband will not understand or even register there's anything amiss.

Very best wishes.

My in-laws were exactly the same. Showered nephews and nieces with affection but had literally zero interest in our children. It is what it is. Parents aren't supposed to have favourites, but apparently grandparents certainly can.

Some grandparents are really not interested - they have done their child rearing bit and don’t want to start all over again. That doesn’t make them weird. We’re all different. And the mother in law might favour her daughter above her son, who knows? Perhaps the daughter just turns up at Mum’s without being asked, having been a daughter myself that would seem quite natural. I certainly favoured my mum over my mother in law. I’m very glad I haven’t got grandchildren. I’ve got my life and I really don’t want to be bothered with babies. That doesn’t make me a bad person. Most grandparents dote on their grandchildren, my maternal grandparents did (my paternal grandmother was quite the opposite) and so did my parents. I haven’t inherited that gene beyond doting on my son who like everyone’s baby was the best in the world. I didn’t have him in the expectation of having grandchildren and though I got plenty of help from my mother and mother in law it wasn’t something I expected. It was my and my husband’s choice to have a baby, so up to us to look after him and juggle everything in my view. I could certainly find time to have a shower without getting someone to babysit as OP seemed to need.