Grandparents don't help or make effort

My own two grandchildren suffer this from their other grandparents. I have spoken to both of them (they aren’t together) about how hurtful their attitude is towards their son’s children versus their daughter’s children. One of them I’d forever boasting about her grandchildren on Facebook, but she doesn’t mean our little ones,just her daughter’s children. It’s beyond cruel. I tell my daughter it’s their loss.

I haven't had time to read all the posts but some people grandparents or not are actually quite nervous around babies. I had a friend whose MIL even having had children herself virtually ignored her first born early on. Once they started sitting up and crawling her MIL was like a changed woman. I take it your niece is older and therefore she feels comfortable with her. Lets hope she comes around soon.

I feel so sorry for you. It’s been tough enough having a first baby but has also been so isolating for young mums during this pandemic. This is really playing on your mind. I haven’t any wise words for you just wanted to wish you all the best, you’re doing a great job under difficult circumstances.

Ive just put a post on about this! I would live to help young mums, live to help look after young babies /children.

I am the opposite of your babies grandparents. I have a small granddaughter but see her very iften despite my almost pleading. Im sure there are others like you who could do with some help. I would live to help someone in your position but how would i go about setting up something. A surrogate nanny is what id like to be. Could your parents come and visit and stay over for few nights now?

I can’t believe the comments of some grandparents on here. I make a 3 hour round trip every week to see my gs as I want to be a part of his life. I love him as an extension of my daughter.
Kzzhrr I think you have just struck unlucky with mil, but how does your husband feel about this situation? You must talk to him about this otherwise resentment will grow. Good luck, I hope you get help with little one.

EMMYPEMMY

What about us willing Grandmothers meeting up with ladies who want Grandmothers to help as they have none close by , we could pair up, I would hate to think young Mums alone out there with no help or advice, we could form a Group
Meet ups at Village Hotel Cheadle
Who is interested?
Let me know I will make all arrangements Ruth

One word: safeguarding.

What about us willing Grandmothers meeting up with ladies who want Grandmothers to help as they have none close by , we could pair up, I would hate to think young Mums alone out there with no help or advice, we could form a Group
Meet ups at Village Hotel Cheadle
Who is interested?
Let me know I will make all arrangements Ruth

I can't say that my MIL was every very enthusiastic about my DC when they were babies but she developed very good relationships with them all as they got a bit older and past the baby/toddler stage and she could chat to them and interact with them more.

I hope your MIL will be like that in the future too; just be patient.

I had 5 children, the first 4 I never had a grandparent nearby. My mother lived 400 mile away and my inlaws were elderly. My exH mum had him at 51.
I never expected or really needed help. I had friends who also didn't expect grandparents to be there.
If you do need help, ask. Being paternal GP they probably don't want to be seen as being pushy.

Our firstborn was one of my parent in laws youngest grandchildren but my own parents’ first grandchild in 1988. They had 7 older grandchildren that they worshipped because of practically living next door to one another. Our baby was never treated the same. It was as though she was half a pound of chopped liver. I was extremely hurt and cried because whatever we did she never matched up to any of the others. My husband used to make excuses for them. It was a good job my parents embraced their grandchild.
Sometimes it will always be this way& no matter how hurtful it appears, nothing will change. I agree that inviting the grandparents round for a meal may include them in the babies life but don’t be surprised if they make excuses.

You don’t sound as if you’re being unreasonable in your expectations at all and some of the comments on here are a bit off IMO. If you’ve got a good relationship with your mum and it’s admirable you want your OH’s parents to be loved and wanted by your child as much as they will love your mum who regularly shows up for them. It does sound as if they are bordering on indifferent to your child which is painful but you can’t do much about so I wouldn’t expect anything from them at all. If you want to have a good relationship with them then you’ll have to make the effort to invite them round for specific occasions and just show them you enjoy their company and are pleased to see them enjoy the company of their other grandchild. In time you may find a closer relationship develops.
Tbh though I find it rather confusing that you say your OH has a good relationship with them. It doesn’t really make sense that yr OH isn’t picking up on this disparity of attention and showing some concern. But if he is genuinely not bothered by the situation it’s probably not worth you worrying about it.

I don't understand why some of today's young mothers need help, it does puzzle me.

Of course, if you have to go back to work then some help would be appreciated but if not, then why?

Perhaps your MIL is just not maternal - it doesn't always come with being a woman. Babies can be rather boring unless they're your own.

Although I must say that my DGC were and are not ever boring, but they are totally exceptional.

MissAdventure

She has a husband, and her own parents, though.
Just that her in laws don't behave how some women seem to think they "should".

Absolutely this! Personally, I'm not too comfortable around babies, they worry me with all that crying and twitching! But once they get to around 12 or 18 months and you can "do stuff" with them and interact, I'm happy enough to spend some time with them. Maybe Kzzhrr's in law's are waiting until the child is a bit older too. You'll never know until you ask though.

Kzzhrr I’m so sorry you have felt this way having a new baby during this past year with Covid has been so isolating . But to feel this lack of interest from your in-laws is very hurtful and disappointing. I’m a MIL of my first grandchild it is a delicate thing for those of us who want to help but don’t want to overstep . But knowing your parents are too far away to help often should be an open door to offer some help for you ! I would get your hubby to ask his parents to come so you two could get out for a few hours. Maybe it would start a little more bonding on their part if they had time alone with your little one,
I bet if he asked they would be willing ?

What exactly did you need help with when your baby was born? If it was a health issue then either GPs could have offered to visit to help. Your in-laws may be people who don't get involved with other's raising of children. Not a GPs immerse themselves in their GCs life. A lot if people do not have family to call upon if they think they could do with help. It's what's called, your child your responsibility. Why is there's so much expectation people will help out with a new baby?

This sounds like the age old problem of communication- or lack thereof! Do speak with your partner about this as he is the obvious link between you and his parents and he perhaps doesn’t even realise how this situation is hurting you.
When I had my first two children, quite close together, I was exhausted yes but so lonely. I had no input in any form from my retired in-laws who lived 5 minutes away and no mother of my own. Looking back, if I had explained to my husband how I felt he could have built a bridge between us - however small.

Sorry, kzzharr, not she.
Apologies.

I think there’s a whole thing going on in this thread, both in the original post and in subsequent discussion, which reads something like this:

1. I have an image in my head of what a good family would be like.
2. Family x do not conform to my image of a good family.
3. Therefore, the members of family x are bad people.

It would be good if we could change the reasoning thus:

1. I have an image in my head of what a good family would be like.
2. Family x have a different image of what a good family looks like.
3. How interesting!

She has a husband, and her own parents, though.
Just that her in laws don't behave how some women seem to think they "should".

Although my children are now 35 and 33 I remember being in exactly the same situation with my in laws. My MIL thought the world of me but was never interested in our children and subsequent freak grandchildren. However if was a different story with her daughter's children who lived a few hours away. After many years and many conversations with then, I had to accept that you cannot make people care sadly. It's been an awful time to have a new baby and it's understandable that you have struggled. I hope things improve soon

I feel so sorry for OP. It's hard enough having a baby but, without support, it's even harder.
I am conscious of being an interfering MiL (I don't always get it right) but my DiL makes it clear that she welcomes support (her mum lives abroad) and I've made it clear that my GC are the apples of my eye. I even retired so that I could help out with the kids.
In this case, I don't actually think a conversation is needed. The OP will have picked up disinterested vibes and my heart goes out to her.
Perhaps, you could befriend an elderly neighbour who'd welcome the role? Lots of people love children and don't always have their own children or grandchildren.
Worth exploring perhaps?

OP says ‘My inlaws however are quite different.

That is the situation, they are not into sending cards and having FaceTime. They live very close anyway. They do not respond to photographs, some people don’t. When they visit they don’t interact with their grandson. They are different.

They are getting on with their own activities, OP and her little boy are incidental, not central, to their lives. Their family history, habits, and expectations are not hers. It’s just that they are different.

I agree eazybee.

Just because the "Op has left the building" doesn't mean that people can't continue to post Lucca.

Everything has been said and suggested umpteen times ! Op has left the building,