Grandparents don't help or make effort

I haven’t read all the responses, but this is interesting Kzzharr. Usually..when young mums come on here, it’s the opposite problem. So too much interference. Especially from the in laws.

I see it from both sides, well three really, because my own MIL was awful, and it eventually led to estrangement. I have two sons, two daughters. It is widely known that girls tend to gravitate towards their own mums, though not always. I’ve also got two DILs. It’s fair to say I am much more careful around them.

You may find the ‘ treading on eggshells’ thread quite helpful. It may be your MIL senses you just want her because your own mum isn’t available. I admit I have felt a bit used in that way too, but the upshot is, I get to spend time with my grandchildren.

We do get weary, and this may come across as disinterest. The best thing to do..is just talk to her. It may be she doesn’t want to impose. She won’t find doing that with her daughter’s child a problem.

Congratulations by the way, and enjoy. Get yourself into a good routine, and stick to it. For example, shower when the baby is asleep.

All the best?

I certinly didn't think of having grandchildren when I had my own children.

There are not just two types of grandparent - there are a myriad.

Those who interfere and upset their DC and DCIL, those who are scared to offer help for fear of being accused of interfering, who are very busy with their own lives, those who feel obliged to look after DGC to help out parents struggling financially, those who can't bear the thought of DGC being taken away from them etc etc.

Some are still working and/or have their own elderly parents to care for. Or just feel that now they are retired they want freedom t enjoy their lives without offering the commitment to help being up the next generation

Like pebbles on beach- all different.

To help bringing up the next generation

I have my GC to stay too Lucca, in fact they've had sleepovers 3 times this week alone, including last night. But it's on my terms. If I thought that there was any sense of "duty or expectation" about it, except in an emergency, I wouldn't do it. Boundaries are good.

My youngest DGC asked to come for a couple of sleepovers recently 'to look after me and keep me company'

Well imo it`s who bothers with the baby that matters,not who doesn`t Kzzharr.

Chewbacca

^I don't understand why people have children if in the future they don't want to make the most^ of their children's children.

What an odd thing to say Kzzharr. When you decided to have your child, did you sit down and make the determined decision that you were having your child so that you could look after grandchildren in the future? Nope, didn't think so. As several other posters have said, your in law's aren't obliged to look after or interact with your children at all. If they do, it's a gift, not a right. We have our own lives to live, we've raised our own children, now it's your turn. Be grateful if you do get help and interaction but you can't demand it. You sound rather entitled.

I found this odd too. Having babies was for us. What would happen in thirty years time wasn’t on our agenda. Some grandparents are just parents again, others have no interest at all. I like to think we’re somewhere in the middle. I’d hate to think there was more expected of me. I’m not into overnight stays, love seeing them, but also now just enjoy time with my husband.
OP, I think you and your husband need to talk to them if it’s such an issue for you, but you may find yourself regretting it in a few years, when they develop so much interest, they’re actually interfering.
Enjoy your baby, and congratulations.

Kzzharr

grannyactivist

In addition to parenting my own children and being a granny several times over I also used to teach parenting classes, so when my lovely daughter-in-law gave birth I made a deliberate decision to take a back seat so as not to risk undermining or overwhelming her. I also didn’t want to risk usurping the other granny’s role.

A couple of months after baby was born my son called me and asked why I wasn’t as involved with their baby as they’d anticipated. As soon as I gave my explanation I was invited to ‘get stuck in’ and have done so ever since. In fact the ‘baby’ is now almost 3 and is fast asleep upstairs right now. ?

It may be that your grandparents are simply waiting to be asked to take a more active role too

Ahh that's so lovely! I have asked them to go for walks and pop round (both ours and theirs) but they're always so busy. When they've been round they also don't really interact with him and just want him to sit and play quietly without having to do much. It's difficult bringing up a baby pretty much alone in a pandemic with zero support network. I have other mum friends but they all have their families to help and are busy with their own lives and babies which is totally fair enough. To be honest, I've done the hardest year of my life pretty much alone, so I'm sure I'll be fine ?

Kzzhrr

Whereabouts in the UK do you live? may be time to start finding some Mum and Baby/Toddler Groups to give you someone to talk to? My daughter had the same issue - her father isn't really interested at all and comes maybe twice a year, whereas I am there at least twice a week, but can't do much per se as disabled but at least she has someone to talk to! My youngest DGD barely left the house from when she was born until recently because of the pandemic! My daughter doesn't drive yet and it is very isolating not being able to go places and do things .... x

Chewbacca

I have my GC to stay too Lucca, in fact they've had sleepovers 3 times this week alone, including last night. But it's on my terms. If I thought that there was any sense of "duty or expectation" about it, except in an emergency, I wouldn't do it. Boundaries are good.

Also on my terms . I offer.

Kzzhrr. Bad luck being called entitled ! I don’t see it like that, I see it as you struggling a bit with anxiety and feeling upset at an apparent lack of interest in your baby.
Definitely you should chat about it to your partner and decide together what to do. Meanwhile it’s a good plan to find some patent and child groups locally to interact with.

Pity you don't live near me Kzzhrr, I'd LOVE more grandchildren (think the one I have is the only one I'm getting). I'd happily be a surrogate granny. And you sound lovely.

Oh to have a baby GC again. The loveliest time!

Wow! What an awful thing to say about being entitled. Such a good job there are a lot of lovely people on this thread who can see my perspective.
Of course I haven't had a baby so that he can be looked after by others but for them to show ANY interest would nice. For me, I've had a baby because my partner and I very much wanted a little human that we can watch grow and help navigate through life and he brings us lots of joy! When he's older, whether he chooses to have children or not will be up to him but I'll be there no matter what and offer any help or services. Family is so important to me but maybe that's not the same to all and there definitely seems to be a mentality of 'get on with it' which to me is fine if that's what you want to do but seems strange to me. Just my opinion though.
I grew up far away from both sets of grandparents who definitely took more interest in their other grandchildren and remember missing them a lot. Considering his grandparents live 10 minutes away, I don't want him to feel the same. We have plenty of baby groups and friends with babies but it's absolutely not the same as family is it. Luckily my mum is happy to do the 8 hour round trip to come and see him.
When I go back to work, it would actually be every now and again, he's going to nursery and my partner and I are both reducing our hours. I will take him for one day but my partner would have probably taken him there the odd morning. You really shouldn't assume people's situations because everyone's different.

Like I've said in all my other posts, I am in no way expecting them to commit to regular babysitting. I have asked for help, made it clear he would like to see them, asked them round, been round, sent photos and videos suggested outings and had the bare minimum back, if that. I guess I'll just leave them to it.

He was meant to be *we would like to see them there. OHs other sister is pregnant so I guess we will see how that pans out.

You can't choose your family so it's a great job I've got so many fab friends with babies around me!

GagaJo

Pity you don't live near me Kzzhrr, I'd LOVE more grandchildren (think the one I have is the only one I'm getting). I'd happily be a surrogate granny. And you sound lovely.

Oh to have a baby GC again. The loveliest time!

Aww that's so lovely to say!! Thank you xxx

And thank you for all the lovely supportive comments on here, really means a lot.

I'm glad most people can see my point of view and that I'm not entitled at all, just wanting my child to feel like he's loved and supported by all family members.
I am shocked in how many people think favouritism is normal and would urge you to think about this as it will be very damaging to your children and their families.

I've very much got the impression that some grandparents are just a bit weird and not into their kids and grandchildren and clearly have favourites.

Just because some grandparents don't want to be overly involved with their grandchildren, it doesn't make them weird. You've said yourself that they've got their own interests and activities that existed before your child came along. You say that they're involved in the lives of their other grandchildren; is it that you're jealous of those relationships? If that's the real problem here, you need to speak to them or your husband about it.

Chewbacca

^I've very much got the impression that some grandparents are just a bit weird and not into^ their kids and grandchildren and clearly have favourites.

Just because some grandparents don't want to be overly involved with their grandchildren, it doesn't make them weird. You've said yourself that they've got their own interests and activities that existed before your child came along. You say that they're involved in the lives of their other grandchildren; is it that you're jealous of those relationships? If that's the real problem here, you need to speak to them or your husband about it.

Jesus, you are relentless aren't you and actually really mean. Your poor kids and grandkids.

Of course there's a level of jealousy when they spend all their time with their other grandchild, that is a totally normal emotion. You have added nothing constructive to this conversation and all you've done is be rude to a new mum. Well done ?

Now I'm off to have a nice Sunday, I suggest you go do the same.

Speak to your husband Kzzharr he's in the best position to liaise with your in-laws and try to fulfil your expectations. No need to worry for my GC but thanks anyway!

Kzzharr

It's interesting that you say it's been a difficult year for you with Covid because I'd been talking to a relative who is a fairly new granny and what an awful year it has been all round. She had only seen her new DGC once because of lockdowns, which caused sadness, and she described these babies as "the Covid generation" because of the lack of interaction so many have had with family and friends.

Perhaps that is another consideration that your parents-in-law have, either getting or passing on the virus to a vulnerable baby.

To be honest, I've done the hardest year of my life pretty much alone, so I'm sure I'll be fine ?

I can sympathise as when I had DC1 I was alone much of the time; DH was working overseas, my own DP were a couple of hundred miles away, MIL had a full-time job, an elderly DP too so I had to get on with it and looking back, I was anxious.

At least there was the baby clinic in those days (although that probably increased anxiety levels!) and friends I could meet with their young DC.

We were right across the other side of the world with no relatives when we had our 3 rd and 4 th babies. I used to look with envy at young mums out with their mums. It was many years before we saw our parents again and by that time the children were at primary school and pretty self sufficient. We are all different and what is normal for some grandparents is not for others. I see some of my grandchildren quite regularly but others not so much, especially now. I love to see them, it does my heart good but I don’t depend on it, we have our own lives now and so do they.

I hear you, Kzharr. At first my response was that you had a MiL, who as paternal GM, was timid about overstepping the mark. (I know that feeling.)
Subsequent posts about your MiL have altered my opinion. Were his sisters competitive with your DH when he lived at home? Is this more deep-rooted?
Above all in my opinion, your MiL should be scrupulously fair with her children and DGC. There should be no room for favouritism. She should be equally interested/disinterested in each and every one of them.
My advice is to explain how you feel to your DH then to his sister/s about their perception of MiL as a GP. You may learn a lot and deservedly receive some explanation.
I think you’re very calm, reasoned and in no way being entitled. You sound lovely and I’m not in the least surprised by the offer from Gagajo.
Would your DH speak to his mother and find a solution? If things don’t improve, could you move to be nearer your mum?

then talk to his sisters

I hope you manage to get something sorted out. Bad feeling might eventually cause problems between you and your DH.
Like Callistemon I lived 100 miles from parents and 300 miles away from in-laws and my husband worked away all week.
I was determined to be close to my DGC but because of work, they lived 260 and 320 miles away.
Then one DD moved about 5 miles away and suddenly we were childminding 5 days a week. Now I wonder how my other DC felt and what they said about me.

PurpleStar said:

'Us good parents and GP will never understand the ones who just don't bother'

and it reminded me of my daughter-in-law's parents - who drive her mad with their constant visits, interference and offers of help. She's so polite that they don't realise they're making pests of themselves!

She's glad I usually 'don't bother' except for occasional (invited) visits.

The way I see it, I brought up my four and I'm done 'parenting' so have my own life now. I'll look after their kids sometimes (not often) or in a crisis, but reluctantly - and that's enough for me!