Should I move to be by my daughter

My daughter and grandson live just under an hour away and she doesn't want me full stop. I'd pack everything up and move near her in a heartbeat if I could. We've just sold our house but I can't take any interest in looking at somewhere to buy because all I want is to be near her and my beautiful grandson. The pain of not being in his life is indescribable. We look after two of my husbands grandsons and I love them madly. But they're not mine. I'd do it.

I too feel that 16 miles is nothing, unless neither of you drive of course.
Every Monday I used to drop my son at school, drive 50 miles to my uncle’s house, do his washing and housework, have lunch with him (I took it with me) then drive the 50 miles home in time to pick up my son. Only once did I have to phone a friend to collect son because of an accident. When he died I really missed him but also missed my drive through beautiful countryside every week.
My sister travelled a similar distance every week to visit our Mum.

When I have to make a decision, for a purchase or an action, I always go by the notion “If in doubt, don’t!” It rarely lets me down.
You obviously have serious doubts about moving, so don’t bother weighing up the pros and cons. Follow your gut feeling. You can always reconsider later on.
I feel that your daughter isn’t making enough effort to visit you, though I don’t know her circumstances. I used to travel 20 miles every week to visit my mother. It involved 2 bus journeys, often with a long wait for the second one, and hauling small children and all their paraphernalia with me. It was hard work, but I did it because I thought that it was worth it.

16 miles is no distance, your daughter could at least come over once a week to see you, if she doesn’t bother now I don’t think moving nearer will make any difference as she is obviously not one to make any effort.

I gave my son £60000 as a deposit for a house six years ago, with the expectation of living in the converted garage. He and his partner have now reneged on that agreement. I now have to live in a studio flat with communal facilities, when I had been looking forward to independence, being able to potter in the garden and help out when needed.
Consequently my finances are not good and I am isolated from my son.
So think carefully about your decision...

I might have a different view to others. I was a DD with a mum 16 miles away. When she was younger and fit it was fine. As she got older and needed more help it became very difficult. Living in a city it was at least half and hour there, then sort out what was needed, then drive back. Trying to work full time and manage her needs was having a big impact on my life. She moved to live 5 mins away and the relief is wonderful. I can nip down and back in 10 mins. If she needs milk or bread or had lost something it’s so easy to sort. She was very elderly when she moved and it was a major upheaval for her which caused a lot of tears. I’d say do it while you’re young enough to manage it both physically and emotionally. Good luck whatever you decide

I'd be wary of moving if I were you, in case your family moved away. Moving is expensive, could you perhaps spend the money you're saving on minicabs to get you to her house? Or go and stay sometimes?

I tend to agree with others who say stay put. Where do you live? What are the facilities? You say your daughter lives in a village, what is there for you besides your daughter?

You dont give your age sparkling, nor say if grand-children are involved, or if there are any health issues. I dont think it would be worth the upheaval to move just 16 miles and leave your current life on the off chance your daughter would visit more regularly. Have you expressed a wish for more visits from your daughter, or are you hoping she might take on some caring as you get older? None of these things are certain even if she was ten minutes away. It could be that she is not happy with taking on a caring role and is using the distance as an excuse, however, if you were nearer she still might not want to do any caring. Its not for every one, and its not a given nowdays that we can expect family to look after us when we are older.

My mum (85) lives almost 3 hours away from me and pre Covid I visited roughly every three weeks, weekly when my Dad was terminally ill. She doesn’t want to move closer as she has her own life. However as her life becomes more centred on her home, due to not being able to drive and walk as far as she gets older, I think she may change her mind. In a way I hope she does as I am also getting older and find the long journey very tiring. BUT this isn’t 16 miles! That is nothing! I used to do that every day to get to the school I taught in. It is strange that your daughter thinks this is too far. I guess it’s what we are used to... I hope you stay out if you are happy there and that your daughter gets more used to the miles!

Sparkling, I would stay put If I were you. I moved away from my friends of thirty years standing. It was a big mistake,as I missed my friends so much as we used to meet up on a regular basis,for meals outings etc. I made new friends but it was not the same, they would talk about people I did not know, and I always felt left out, as if I was not part of the group. Anyway I moved back to my friends and I couldn't be happier.

If 16 miles (which is nothing) is too far for your daughter to visit why do you think you ll see any more of her if you move closer
This isn’t meant to be nasty, but your daughter doesn’t seem to be making a huge effort, surely once a week (even on a bus if she doesn’t have transport) would suit you both do you in your heart think she would make more effort if she was on your doorstep
Only you can decide but you asked for advice and I d agree with others who said stay put A move at our age is huge often falls through or is sprinkled with problems unless you really really can’t wait to move I wouldn’t

Could be its just not the right time and you need to stay where you are until things become clearer. That doesnt mean you wont move...It just means you buy yourself some time in making such a big decision. Maybe it would be good to clarify that your daughter is sure that she wont be moving house anytime in the foreseable future and also get a better idea of how available she would be to see you more, if you did move

Stay put!!!
I used to drive 172 miles every other week to see my mother and do her shopping etc.
Sixteen miles is nothing and if visiting is rare now, nothing will change if you move.
It sounds like you’re happy where you are, so don’t gamble that away!! Be selfish. If she wants to see you, 16 miles is nothing.
Good luck!

For a column I write for our local (senior community) paper, I once took a survey on why people had decided to move here. The overwhelming answer was "To be nearer to my children."
However, people weren't talking about 16 miles, which is practically right next door, to my way of thinking. Many people, including my husband and myself, moved thousands of miles,
You've got lots of good advice here. Stay put, at least for now.

Sparkling, I think a lot depends on how strong your relationship is and are there any grandchildren? Would you see that much of your GD if you moved closer. Does she work full time and has she got a lot going on in her life. You don’t want to uproot yourself and then regret it. Just make sure it’s something you would want for yourself and not for convenience for your daughter.

Sorry I meant D not GD

Stay where you are. I moved to help my disabled daughter when she got pregnant as she said she wouldn’t be able to cope. I ended up being an unpaid nanny and cleaner. She even used to send me shopping and I had to keep asking her husband to put the shopping bill money into my account. When she said to me...”I’m going to the gym, make sure you wash the conservatory floor and get the shoe marks off H has left on from his shoes” it was the final straw. I’d put up with a lot if arrogant remarks from her but this was the final straw. I didn’t even get weekends off, she’d ring me to look after the children (she’d had another by then) as they wanted to go out! Not saying your daughter would do that but at least you won’t be left in a strange town away from friends etc. as I was!

I agree with most on here. I could drive 16 miles to my nearest Asda and think nothing of it. Have you considered letting your house, on a properly contracted, short term let, for six months and renting where your daughter lives? Then you'd know whether or not it would suit you to sell up and move.

My DD lived about half an hour away and we managed to see her and the GC at least once a week. Three years we fancied a move so went closer to her (about 10 mins away) but the main thing is that I love the town we are in. We do see more of the family and it's been great during lockdown as we either cycle over to see them as part of our exercise and we've been able to help out with childcare. I think in many ways it's more to do with your relationship than the distance but it does have advantages being so close

Don't move if you have a lovely community that you value. 16 miles is a healthy distance from family lol

Yes, take your time. Are there grandchildren? It's common for daughters to want you closeby. I agree 16 miles is fairly close already. Gosh, in a city 30 miles is close. Do you own a property? If so, there are taxes, selling costs etc. I would just offer to visit her more often. Start with that. See how it goes.

I’d stay put if I were you. An elderly couple of neighbours that lived in London all of their lives, moved to my city on the Welsh border to be near their only son who had moved to Wales with his family. They knew absolutely nobody here and their son visited them once maybe twice a year until they both passed away. The next door neighbour did far more for them than their absent son ever did. If you are happy in your village stay put. I’ll bet my late neighbours wished they’d stayed near all of their friends.

I'd stay put too. We are about 16 miles from my son, partner and grandchild, who we look after one day a week. I think it is the ideal distance, near enough to easily see each other and help each other out but far enough away that we are not in each other's pockets.

Can’t thank you enough for your responses. I know my d could see me more than a few times a year, I cannot drop in, she doesn’t like that, if I ask her over she’s busy. 16 miles isn’t too far for me but they am rarely asked. Really that niggle is telling me not to. I dread telling her I’m staying put, she does like her own way, 16 miles is nothing in a car, we both drive. Seeing your answers has put it in perspective, I was just being foolish.