Should I move to be by my daughter

I tend to agree with others who say stay put. Where do you live? What are the facilities? You say your daughter lives in a village, what is there for you besides your daughter?

I'd be wary of moving if I were you, in case your family moved away. Moving is expensive, could you perhaps spend the money you're saving on minicabs to get you to her house? Or go and stay sometimes?

I might have a different view to others. I was a DD with a mum 16 miles away. When she was younger and fit it was fine. As she got older and needed more help it became very difficult. Living in a city it was at least half and hour there, then sort out what was needed, then drive back. Trying to work full time and manage her needs was having a big impact on my life. She moved to live 5 mins away and the relief is wonderful. I can nip down and back in 10 mins. If she needs milk or bread or had lost something it’s so easy to sort. She was very elderly when she moved and it was a major upheaval for her which caused a lot of tears. I’d say do it while you’re young enough to manage it both physically and emotionally. Good luck whatever you decide

I gave my son £60000 as a deposit for a house six years ago, with the expectation of living in the converted garage. He and his partner have now reneged on that agreement. I now have to live in a studio flat with communal facilities, when I had been looking forward to independence, being able to potter in the garden and help out when needed.
Consequently my finances are not good and I am isolated from my son.
So think carefully about your decision...

16 miles is no distance, your daughter could at least come over once a week to see you, if she doesn’t bother now I don’t think moving nearer will make any difference as she is obviously not one to make any effort.

When I have to make a decision, for a purchase or an action, I always go by the notion “If in doubt, don’t!” It rarely lets me down.
You obviously have serious doubts about moving, so don’t bother weighing up the pros and cons. Follow your gut feeling. You can always reconsider later on.
I feel that your daughter isn’t making enough effort to visit you, though I don’t know her circumstances. I used to travel 20 miles every week to visit my mother. It involved 2 bus journeys, often with a long wait for the second one, and hauling small children and all their paraphernalia with me. It was hard work, but I did it because I thought that it was worth it.

I too feel that 16 miles is nothing, unless neither of you drive of course.
Every Monday I used to drop my son at school, drive 50 miles to my uncle’s house, do his washing and housework, have lunch with him (I took it with me) then drive the 50 miles home in time to pick up my son. Only once did I have to phone a friend to collect son because of an accident. When he died I really missed him but also missed my drive through beautiful countryside every week.
My sister travelled a similar distance every week to visit our Mum.

My daughter and grandson live just under an hour away and she doesn't want me full stop. I'd pack everything up and move near her in a heartbeat if I could. We've just sold our house but I can't take any interest in looking at somewhere to buy because all I want is to be near her and my beautiful grandson. The pain of not being in his life is indescribable. We look after two of my husbands grandsons and I love them madly. But they're not mine. I'd do it.

I totally agree with Lesley60. We moved when I retired but had spent several years before that thinking about it and becoming acquainted with the area. We have never looked back. I remember my mom telling me that if you're going to do it, then do so when you've still got the energy to go out and make new friends. As Lesley60 said nothing compares with having family close - if you get on with them.

Don't move if you're happy where you are. I live about 35 minutes from my daughter and grandchildren. We call in on one another fairly regularly or meet half way (pre covid) if we want to enjoy a Sunday lunch out as a family. If I'm not busy, I often go over to pick the children up from school, usually as a surprise which they love. Sixteen miles is no distance at all.

I think I would stay put. Over the last two years I have had many changes to my life , widowed, a very dear friend killed in an RTA and my mother dying . Both my AC lived within 20 minutes away and they are an amazing support during this difficult time .Now my DD and family have moved to Norfolk . My DS and family are still here nearby and though they are very busy are helpful and wonderful . My DD and family are in a small village with no public transport or amenities. School 2.5 miles away ( really not my scene) . They want me to move to them and have offered to have an annexe built . But to me it would be my idea of hell ! I don’t drive and I would be dependent on them. I miss them and it is lonely but I will visit and they will visit me . I have good friends and I am healthy .When I become frail I may reconsider but doubt it TBH . Think long and hard before moving .

I think the answer to your dilemma lies in transport issues, Sparkling.
Does your daughter drive? 16 miles would be difficult on a bus! Who would you like to live nearer? Your daughter or the friends in your neighbourhood? If you drive and move nearer your daughter, you could still meet up with your current circle of friends but you would be able to see your daughter more often.

People say that 16 miles is nothing but, as a pp said, it does depend on circumstances. If your daughter is a working mum then 16 miles is a consideration, but if she could walk round and see you on spec for a cuppa, or even just a five minute chat, then it would be so much easier. I would definitely try it and see. Nothing is forever. If she moves then you could too!
I moved 4 (four!) miles to the village my son and daughter live in. I see my daughter everyday. My son rings me every week and occasionally pops round - he lives four doors away ? ( but he was there immediately when I called for help with what turned out to be a brain haemorrhage and saved my life ?)
Take a chance - it could be your next great adventure ?

You don't mention any other children, so is your daughter your only child (are there are others you could rely on as you get older). What's your relationships like now (like a few others on here, I was concerned by the "I know she won’t be pleased if I decide to stay" - do you feel pushed into this? Is this her idea and not yours?) I would pay attention to the Niggle you mention (that's your gut instinct/second brain trying to tell you something). Sorry but 16 miles is nothing if someone is prepared to prioritise you (is she?) I used to work for a charity for elderly people and often visited people who were lonely - there were a few who had moved to be nearer/see more of family but they didn't see them anymore than they had done when they lived much further away. One lady in particular became very depressed at losing her friends, particularly in the church she'd gone to for 30 years, to sit alone in her retirement apartment. (She was lucky to be allowed to visit for Sunday lunch once a month). If it was me, I would listen to the niggle; and I would see what I would need to put in place where I lived now in order to be cared for as I got older.

Hmm, I’ve re-thought this one. I still think that 16 miles is no distance for your daughter to travel if she wants to see more of you, but perhaps she is thinking ahead to when you may need her assistance. My own parents-in-law made a similar move to be near us when they approached their eighties. They now live a 5 minute walk away and we visit them very often.

I’m assuming your daughter has no need of you for childcare?

I don’t think 16 miles is to far away tbh. I lived 400 miles away and moved to be nearer my daughter and grandchildren, who have now grown up and all moved away. I would say that if you are happy where you are then you should stay there. Sometimes a network of friends is better than family. Good luck with your decision.

Like Lesley60 We have just moved to be nearer our daughter. It's the best thing we ever did. We downsized, live in the country , great neighbours ( looking forward to lockdown being loosened) and see grandson frequently. And we were 40mins away before.
Depends if you love where you live , I didn't.

My advice would be no! I moved a couple of hundred miles to support my family but left so many friends and memories. I have a great relationship now with my two granddaughters so in a way worth it, but no, I wouldn’t do it again! Xx good luck!

It is impossible to comment because your circumstances are likely to be very individual! 16 miles may be impossible if it involved fast roads and (like me) cataracts developing. When I was very ill we nearly moved to my daughter’s village, less than 16 difficult miles away. An hour and a half round trip too far for a working mum and too far for us to ask her to pop in. We were tempted by prospect of helping after school (illness would not have prevented that) and by a village with no hills and an excellent GP etc. The house buy fell through, Covid came, and now I am a lot better we are now not looking to move there, but move somewhere disability friendly in our locality (but a hilly area so a hard one). What changed was the balance of needs - we would be tripping over their lives now we are out and about again, whereas before worrying about us was wearing her down. However, should either of us sharply deteriorate we may review! So, Solomon’s judgment required and I don’t think any of us can advise you!

I think I am in a minority here, but I would go.

DON'T

There’s a reason she’s not visiting. We don’t know why. 16 miles is no distance. Stay where you are.

I am interested in this thread because I am in the same situation. I have recently had poor health and even when I needed surgery 2 weeks ago and called from the hospital no one came. (Daughter) I am home recovering alone and this experience has taught me something. I know before I got sick I would drive to their community everyday to care for my granddaughter but it does not work both ways. Sometimes you have to look at it from a different angle. Does your daughter go other places that are more than 16 miles? Mine does and I see the pictures but they do not come. They said if I moved there they would see me more often. I now doubt that due to my circumstances right now and having no visits or help. Your situation could be much different than mine but....do you know if she drives that distance to do other things? If so that tells you a lot.

My son lives 10,000 miles away from me - 16 miles is a cock stride in the scheme of things.

Stay put. I done this, from London to Kent. My daughter is now moving back to London as she has met a new man and is getting married. Also her children are growing up and they move on, so no I would say stay put and enjoy the visits.